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Joined: Sep 2001
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Originally Posted by distanced
is it still CS if I dont bother to contact him and just wait and see if he will .

You should try to have as much contact with him but don't LB. If you can't it is better not to.

Any updates ?

-rh-


Give your absolute best such that you could look back 10 years from now w/ no regret.

Happily Married to Lady Elina - 04/29/06
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CS .... that has always been my fault and he hates that even before this issue came about. SO I am putting on my gym shoes so to speak to get this CS Attitude out of my reactions.

2 good news I hope:
1. Spoke to jennifer over the weekend and such a comfort to know that all my plans and thoughts were just as MB would suggest - but of course need to work on them to get things on the right track and for him to agree on the 7 promises

2. DNA test came back negative- but you know I didnt jump for joy because I found myself doubting source of sample since it was done with out my presence . BUt just to make go of the R will take it at face value

SO odd that the BS will have to be the one to make so many adjustments to make the M work again while we nurse the WH back to the fold?

WH is now spending a week on a seminar (like a retreat) I hope he will get a ton of advice for him to change his ways ( but still depends on how honest he will be to the person talking to him!) That's ok. this time will give me the needed practice to work on keeping PLan A working and change my dialogues for the better so no LB by the time he gets back to the states

Thank you for the concern


Me BS: 52
WH: 52
Married: 28 years, happily (prior to A admission 11-9-09)
(OC born: april 3,2007 or is it feb 3, 2007)DNA result is negative 3-5-2010
location: bay area
Joined: Sep 2001
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Recovery is hard and long treacherous road. Yes, BS do it because we hope that WS will wake up someday. Would you abandon WS if he has an addiction problem ?.

It is good that DNA test came back negative because he has no excuse to put NC with OW.

Hang in there. Don't expect much from WS and follow Jennifer's instruction.

God Bless.

-rh-


Give your absolute best such that you could look back 10 years from now w/ no regret.

Happily Married to Lady Elina - 04/29/06
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Yes, the irony of it all, I expect this to be difficult and long road but still willing to give it a try. Not necessary because of shame or the like but I do love WH and he never neglected us until this FOG came rolling in and his boat smashed through the reef!
I thank you for your concern and this site which has given me renewed hope and strength. An advice said was: there are others just like you with the same problem, maybe worse....I thought - foolish- no one has it worse than me! But getting on this site shows we are all in the same boat and will recover only with the strength we are willing to put up. So I will put my best foot forward just like when we were dating and hope and pray it will lift the FOG off and maintain NC and all the other promises as advised by Jennifer.
True if he were sick physically, I will not abandon him so I will hang in here and continue to pray for him and all others in this site for recovery and healing which we all need.
Will keep you updated.
May God bless you for all your patience and support!


Me BS: 52
WH: 52
Married: 28 years, happily (prior to A admission 11-9-09)
(OC born: april 3,2007 or is it feb 3, 2007)DNA result is negative 3-5-2010
location: bay area
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 32
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MBers,
May seem to be a poor question but is asking how he intends to terminate her services now that he no longer has obligations (re: negative DNA) be considered LB? I dont ask about A anymore but maybe too fixated on trying to get WH implement NC and agree to it? Unless I am mistaken that is part of the 7 part program presented to me by Jennifer but do I just present that to WH without discussing it further and just assume he will do it? I mentioned that if he is unable to maintain NC then we have a problem.... I must have struck the wrong cord WH gave a sharp tone maybe feeling exasperated too? I could not proceed to talk anymore so I told him I needed to go and closed the phone...

I intend to drive to LA on the weekend and when he found out tells me to take the plane.... To continue the drive is it IB? He was supposed to be here for us to drive down together but he postponed his trip back so I'm making the trip myself...

WH tells me the advice he got for the M to get back was to give me lots of patience and for me to trust him again. and adds but I dont know how much patience I have...
That didn't sound nice....
so I told him NC was important to me for trust to come back and because it just goes back to my old question I asked him... do you want me to be hanging out with an old boyfriend or lover? then its the same concept...
am not sure if he understood me
Do any of you understand me? am I wrong in my position?
I need some help here please?

Do I just stop asking these questions and keep to PLan A even if I feel kindda lost in all these unanswered questions?


Me BS: 52
WH: 52
Married: 28 years, happily (prior to A admission 11-9-09)
(OC born: april 3,2007 or is it feb 3, 2007)DNA result is negative 3-5-2010
location: bay area
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,733
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Many MB-ers shy away from your post b/c you have the Queen of MB advising/coaching you. Seek Jennifer for advice, we are here just posting our take on your situations.

WH is still having A and he will do anything to continue it. Anything you ask him to behave like H will make him acting out. Is it LB'ng ? Yes to WH ... not to H. Yes if you continue to nag on him or the way you ask it. In another word you have no choice to ask NC if your want to protect your M and put protections/monitoring around it.

If you ask and he refused, don't Angry Outburst, don't push it, don't LB. Simply states that you need NC in order to move on, leave it there and get Jennifer coach you for the next steps.

Yes, driving to LA might be an LB - independent Behavior and could be Annoying Habits to your H. Is there any reason why you want to drive to LA and not taking the plane ?.

Quote
WH tells me the advice he got for the M to get back was to give me lots of patience and for me to trust him again. and adds but I dont know how much patience I have...
That didn't sound nice....

No it didn't. It is not H is talking. WH is talking.

Quote
so I told him NC was important to me for trust to come back and because it just goes back to my old question I asked him... do you want me to be hanging out with an old boyfriend or lover? then its the same concept...
am not sure if he understood me
Do any of you understand me? am I wrong in my position?
I need some help here please?

GOOD for you !!!!. I assume you told him not in angry tone or disrespectful but calm and state what you need in order to gain your trust back. You need to protect this M and there is no other way but NC. You need to let him know how he could amends you.

Don't bring it up again unless during M talk or he brings it up. Yes, you need to stop "demanding it". About continuing plan A, you have to follow Jennifer's plan. She probably already described to you under what condition you need to go to plan B.

Hang in there. Plan A is not for everyone.

-rh-


Give your absolute best such that you could look back 10 years from now w/ no regret.

Happily Married to Lady Elina - 04/29/06
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Oh but thank you the reply nevertheless..took the long drive because it helped me think since I was by myself on both ways and I figured I needed to get a copy of the birth certificate to confirm WH was not listed as the father from the start... because WH completed the DNA form and used his last name for OC without hesitation?! and if he is I feel a need to take his name out since DNA proved otherwise?...if he agrees of course or if it even makes an impact on him?

NC request was not with an AO or disrespectful, actually I think I was more frustrated since it was the 2nd time I made the co-relation. And after the first time he did say he understood and would not like me to do it either. Ah, the typical double standard...

Oh yes, Jennifer did give me the guidelines and I'm sorry if it is not right for me to post since it prevents others from responding too...But I do appreciate your responses and look forward to it. Thank you again


Me BS: 52
WH: 52
Married: 28 years, happily (prior to A admission 11-9-09)
(OC born: april 3,2007 or is it feb 3, 2007)DNA result is negative 3-5-2010
location: bay area
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 32
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Where did that once smart guy go?
Honestly, I think this explains some of the foot dragging when it comes to complete honesty about their actions.
They are so embarrassed to have their fullfrontalstupidity on display for the ONE woman (their wife) who they MOST desire to impress .

Our men come to realize that they need us to admire them, but they fear we cannot admire them because of what they have done.



Edited by Pepperband (03/15/10 04:56 PM


Pep,
I so agreee with your description here for HBH ... I think this is how WH feels now and for me to show that admiration is so difficult because this st------y is so not like him. Most difficult is turning a clean page to start all over again but I can't seem to turn the page until definite NC is in place....
Ah, they all have the same symptoms and all so similar...
good to know my WH is not the only one with those signs of st------y...


Me BS: 52
WH: 52
Married: 28 years, happily (prior to A admission 11-9-09)
(OC born: april 3,2007 or is it feb 3, 2007)DNA result is negative 3-5-2010
location: bay area
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,733
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Posts: 5,733
Any updates ?. I hope positive result come from H.

-rh-


Give your absolute best such that you could look back 10 years from now w/ no regret.

Happily Married to Lady Elina - 04/29/06
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Hello Redhat,
It has been a while since I got on board. Trying to figure things out myself without so much outside influence to color my decisions.

I think I am really having trouble with definitions as of now. Is positive result equivalent to knowing the full truth? I found the birth cert identifying him as the father, but WS counters it since DNA (wc he considers very accurate)resulted negative then its of no value.

I left the house after I get fed up with his actions and no sign of implementing NC last April, with constant lying that he was not seeing them. I asked him to contact JH and in his desperation he did . Saw him after a week to try to talk it over and for a while I really thought we were on the beginnings of recovery ie. his new honesty.

But what is affection? While he was unable to reach me nor find me says to OW when it was his birthday it was lonely and wished the OC was with him. I told him it would have been great if he had the strength to tell her he was lonely because I left him then it would have been a great sign for me that he was truly sorry and showed his true love for me.

What is love? As we try to patch things up he continues contact with them (business may be out of my control) but he says he misses them and loves them too.

What is saying thank you for a job done? Is it asking me for my shoe size and if I say it does not give me a good fit he asks OW her shoe size and orders one for her? When I asked him about it says its just a present just as he gets for others - I said the "others" never slept with you - WS defends himself then by saying he cancelled it maybe realizing I will find out about it. Yet I do find out - he asked another party to buy for them back home and gets it delivered to them - with the side remark of "it would be good if I was able to get it for them here, but its made there so I ordered it there".

I may have made a mistake for independent behavior - my moving out - which he hates but it was meant for him to wake up. I guess the other half of the risk is still there... it may not wake him up and now is finding ways to prevent me from getting an assest rightfully mine.

Such a mess and how at times I wish I can turn back time but I cant and I have to live with the reality of who and what he really is.

WS is back to our home country after 6 weeks here and I dont have the hurt I had before when he leaves. More like relief?

I guess I am also lost ....if not, what is this then? Constant hope he will change and try to get back the M he broke?


Me BS: 52
WH: 52
Married: 28 years, happily (prior to A admission 11-9-09)
(OC born: april 3,2007 or is it feb 3, 2007)DNA result is negative 3-5-2010
location: bay area
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