Hi there,
Well here I am in the forum for people who are getting a divorce ouch.
My wh has been gone for 14 months with almost no contact after 25 years of marriage,I had hoped he would miss the life we had, me and his 3 boys, but I guess not, I don't get to write in the recovery forum.
We really did have a great marriage and somehow she was able to break through to him, his 3 time divorces highschool sweetheart.
He threw away everything that meant anything to him and lives with her 40 miles away and doesn't even call me or the kids.
I like so many of you look back and wonder what I could have done differantly and I wonder about the choices I Have made that lead me to a place where he is gone and I am struggling to breath.
I keep praying he misses us and can't find a way to tell us,, but we will be divorced soon and I need a hug

SBE
{{{{{ }}}}}}

Here you go. Take care of yourself. Have you tried any anti depression medication? It is usually temporary and can really help you get through.

I was on them for about 8 months, didn't really help. I miss him so much and I can't make myself stop beleiving what we had was real and he will realize it,,,,, even though I dont think he ever will.
He gave up everything for her and he told my friend he doesn't love her and it isn't what he thought it would be, so why doen't he call me or his boys

I am really sorry what you are forced to go through.
Extreme shame and guilt, I think.

I am sorry you and your kids are being drug through this.

Know this, that relationships that are formed out of adultery do not last. As he is finding out, the euphoria fades and you begin to see the reality. I can't say he will come back, but he will regret losing you and his family.

I will pray for you and your kids.

I don't understand why some people reaslize what they are giving up and some just turn the othere cheek.
My wh was my best friend, great dad great husband, then looking back he started to drift when she started calling, he said his job was getting hard, I tried to talk about it, he said it would get better, don't worry.
IOnce he left it was as if I was some horrible person he was glad to get away from.
He throws money he doesn't have at us, but no time at all for his boys and it's like I was never anything to him.
I am trying to move on with my life, I mean I got the house the kids, everything we have worked for for 25 years except the love and marriage.
I guess I am lucky that he is being nice financially, but that will get him in the end.
I don't want him to regret this because he has no money,.
I can't imagine wanting away so bad that I would walk away from everything and everyone I loved.

I feel so lost and alone, like I don't belong anywhere. Everyone I know is married or involved or young and I don't fit in.
My kids and my family are great and spend alot of time with me, but there is this giant hole he used to fill and I don't know what to do.
WE don't fight we don't talk he is just gone, there is no drama I guess I should be glad for that, but nothing fills that emptyness.
How do you wake up in the morning with hope for the future when the future looks so lonley

Sadly you are going to have to go deep within yourself and find out what you like to do in life, who you are (by yourself) and how precious you are.

Get to know some single women to see how they "wake up in the morning and not be so lonely every day".

You have your kids, why are you so lonely? I know you are sad and that will last a while.

What I am thinking is that deep inside, even during your marriage you were lonely and out of touch with yourself as a single precious woman.

Now you have to backtrack and learn about yourself, your talents, what types of friends you like to be around, etc.

These things will take some time to learn but once you learn them and get rid of your low self esteem and start loving yourself and seeing how precious you are, you will never be lonely again.

Another simple thing to banish lonliness is to volunteer helping someone else. It does not have to be formal volunteer service it can be casual helping of another human being. It gets you out of yourself for a few hours to think of other people (or even precious pets or animals) that need your help.

SBE:

First off, I am very sorry for your situation and I know where you are mentally and emotionally right now. I was there too for a long while after the separation. I believed that my XWW would 'realize' what she had left, and I clung to that belief with all my mental fortitude.

I felt rejected, unworthy, and unloved; and that just heaped on top of my grief/mourning. Divorce takes a huge emotional toll, and the grieving process sucks...but it needs to be done and felt and processed.

However KNOW THIS, under all that grief and feeling lost and alone, you are still the same wonderful person, and probably even a better person through your involvement with MB.

It was very difficult to climb out of that emotional black hole, and what helped me the most was forcing myself to mentally CHANGE MY PERSPECTIVE every day. I started off taking the advice of an alcoholic friend of mine who was battling the addiction, and this person advised me to do at least ONE positive thing each day, and mentally praise yourself for it.

I started off small, and when I would go back to the grieving, I would mentally force myself to try and change my perspective to something happy or positive. It all felt cheesy and fake at first, but just like the MB slogan "feelings follow actions", eventually I started to really feel that happiness myself. I then started to VALUE myself again, and realized that my life can be posititve because of ME.

Divorce still sucks and I still wonder what would have happened if I 'would, shoulda, coulda..." from time to time, but the bottom line is that we are each responsible for our own happiness, and I am hoping that YOU WON'T ALLOW your WH's choices to affect your happiness going forward.

Thanks,

LoBoy

As way of introduction, let me say that I completely understand how you are feeling. I've 'been there, done that' as they say. I hope that it helps a bit for you to know you aren't alone in where you are and how you feel right now.

I don't know your whole story, but from your most recent posts, I can relate in so many ways. You may feel lost, but honey you are most certainly NOT alone!

What I really want to tell you is this - As hard as it is right now, the BEST thing for you to do is finish up what I call the 'pity party' you are having for yourself. Don't take that negatively, please!

I have had my own share of pity parties for myself. They are sometimes needed to get all of that negative feeling out of you! The goal is to not STAY in that mode for any longer than you feel is absolutely necessary. It is very empowering to pick up yourself, dust yourself off and ask yourself, "What am I going to do TODAY to celebrate the GODDESS inside of me?"

There IS a GODDESS inside of you, trust me! You just need to bring her back to the surface.

About this -

Question - Why do you CARE if he regrets it? I'm thinking that what you are really saying is that you hope that he doesn't end up blaming YOU when he runs out of money. Because you still care for him. You still can see your H where only a wayward currently resides. I did this same thing for a LONG LONG time. Everything I did was tempered with how he would FEEL or THINK about ME in the long run.

Take it from me, true healing can not happen for you until you find a way to let that go. It's a process. It's a bit different for everyone, but necessary for your own personal recovery. I had wonderful support from people on these boards that helped me through the darkest times. Post here and you will find the same support!

THAT is what I want you encourage you to focus on - personal recovery. That is (along with my kids needing me) what got me out of bed, kept me focused, and gave me hope for the future.




The truth is this isn't really about YOU. For him, it's about him. From the day he chose to start down the path of having his affair, it was all about HIM.

Even if he has seen what a mistake he made, some WSs can not admit to have been so wrong. It is GUILT that keeps him throwing money at you and your kids. It's guilt and shame that may be keeping him from seeing you. I hope that you have been able to realize that you can not control or worry about him. What he does, how he feels, is up to him now.

What YOU need to do is focus on YOU. You have your kids that need you and that obviously keeps a Mom going. Beyond that,though you are a woman who can and will find strenth inside of herself that she may not realize she has.

I started with making a list of everything that was GOOD in my life and that was GOOD about ME. Along with that, I made commitments to myself to do things for ME. It could be something as simple as taking a long bubble bath or giving myself a manicure. Something, anything that will give you pleasure.

So, tell me about yourself. Without even seeing you, I can tell that you have beautiful brown eyes - which makes you VERY Special! I know, because I have brown eyes and can speak first hand to how fabulous we are!

Time to fill up the hole with what is called YOUR LIFE. It's not easy or quick, but you can do it!

WEll first off thank you all for your support.
I feel blessed to have people to talk to who have been there and understand, I am surrounded ny people who say things like, get over it he is never coming back, and you will find someone better.
I really can't imagine at this stage ever trusting my heart to another man.
This is the secoind time he cheated and yes I lost part of myself the first time.
But he and I grew so much closer and I thought we had made it, it was 10 years ago.
I believe he won't let himself come back because he is stubborn and stupid and at this point my family including his kids say no way is he getting near you ever.
The hardest part is seeing what this has done to my boys.
I am 50 my boys are 23,21 and 17 and they are all suffering in there own way.
The one hurting the most of course is the youngest who was actually 15 when his da d left, he just turned 17. He is angry and mean and refuses to talk to me or a professinal about it.
I can honestly say they don't want him anymore. he blew it.

So someone tell me please how he looks in the mirror and see a man who used to have a family and a home and now lives in a 1 room apartment with a preditor who has done this more than once.
She lived in another state when she started calling and quickly left her husband and kids there to pursue my H who feel for it hook line and sinker.
There is nothing in this world that would make me walk away from my kids.NOTHING

Eyes:

And the answer is, ta da, you ain't her. Aren't you glad.


Husband is an addict. He is addicted to the endorphins that affairs produce. His addiction means more to him than his kids, his self respect and his life. He is like any other druggie or drunk. It is what it is.

And his actions have screwed up youngest. Kids are resilient though. He will come out of it sooner or later. When I talk to my own teenager, less frequently these days, I tell him about emotional tools that are much like the tools he uses to work on cars. Except emotional tools are the ones used to work on our heads. Over and over and over I keep the same message and he is finally starting to get it.

Larry

Not always. Not everyone.

I believe The Leopard is beyond redemption. That is the primary reason I have chosen to let her go. She is nearing 50 and shows no sign of "coming out of it."

But then, she's been on this track since she was a teenager. That's why I call her The Leopard -- she can't change her spots.

Well yesterday was Easter and after work (yes I had to work) I picked up my boys and went to have dinner at mymoms house.
Everyone was there, my sister niece, ect... we had lot of fun and food and after dinner I was sitting in the living room with the kids and I noticed the digital picture frame my wh got my mom for Christmas a few years ago.
In my house I put away all pictures of him and us together and I sat there unable to pull myself away from the sceen as pictures of our life came one after the other.
WE looked happy, he looked happy, I looked alot heavier than I do now but it was like yesterday and it broke my heart all over again.
I was really happyn yesterday untill I saw those pictures and then I spent the rest of the night wondering why he doesn't miss me like I miss him and again how the hell do you walk away from your kids

I'm sorry you are going through this and feel for you. Try not to be consumed with false hope that he will one day be back. Come right out and ask him, and if not, try to find ways to help you move on. Hang in there and you'll get through this.