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I am new to the group but I'm very happy I found this forum to help me work through some of my thoughts.

My H and I are college sweethearts. We decided to marry young but I think we both knew we were making a commitment to each other. My husband decided to attend MED school after graduating from college. I worked and supported both of us during his education along with attention post graduate school as well. After my H finished school we moved for him to complete his residency program. During the 3rd year in residency my H thought he was the BIG CHEESE. His ego got the best of him. He decided to step outside of our marriage with someone who is TOTALLY different from him. My husband has traditionally been very conservative. This is not someone he would take to meet his parents or to a dinner with peers. After I found out about the 2-3 month affair he called it quits and we moved on with our lives. He also learned from her that she was also married but her husband was not a US citizen yet. We went to counseling and we were well on our way. We moved to another city and my H finished his program and is now working FT.

Well, our lives changed forever 2/2009. The individual tried contacting my H through his father's professional office. She told H that he was the father of her child 2 year old child. In the interim, my H and I have tried to start a family of our own. I have had 4 miscarriages over the last 3 years. The first one happened right before the affair started and then I had one several months after the affair. When I think back in time the OW and I were pregnant at the same time. I miscarried one month before she had her child. It is a SICK thing to think about. My husband and I had been trying again prior to him being notified of this situation. The SAD thing is that my husband did not tell me when OW originally contacted him. He was hoping it was not true and would keep this a secret because he did not want ot HURT me again. So, he went down and met w/ OW and the child to take a DNA test. I'm thinking he is at work and he is on the road driving to meet her 2-3 hours away. He came home at his normal time so I thought nothing of it. He had been speaking with her on and off from Feb 2010 - March 2010. This type of situation is beyond his scope. Keep in mind my H comes from a parents that have been married for 32 years so this was not in his plan.

My H and I decided to visit my parents who live in the same area where he did his residency. My main office is out of the same area so I thought it was great for my H to come along. He was supposed to be studying for an oral exam and I was working. Well, I find out later that he was visiting with OC and OW on several different days. All of a sudden all of the OC's issues and needs became my H's problem. This individual started asking for money and my husband gave OC money and she also wanted him to buy a bed and car seat for OC. My husband opened an ACCT thinking he would hide this from me until after his test. Finally he decided to breakdown and tell me and this is when the above information came out because I asked him. In addition, my husband also admitted to being intimate (touching/no intercourse) with this individual. For the life of me I cannot understand why if you were happy in your marriage.

Since finding out OW and I have had some phone conversations. She has been rude and disrespectful. She told me that she and her child would make me feel important. She also said I was selfish and that is why I had miscarriages. I see straight through this situation. I believe this individual had a master plan. She is now out on disability and has no plans of working because my husband CS check will be more than what she has EVER made in her life. I cannot have any contact with OC or OW. It would never work. OW actually apologized on speaker phone to me while my H was listening but what she did not say is that she tried to sleep with H again while visiting. How can you ever TRUST someone like this. I don't deserve any of this. I have been SOOOOOOO GOOD to my H.

OW recently hired an ATTY and we have also hired one. I think regardless if she is married we need to move on with our lives and NO CONTACT is the right way to go. My husband is comfortable if she is married and her H wants to be the father of this kid. He has been with OC from day one. In fact, OC has his last name.....go figure.

It is a crazy situation and it is amazing that my H slept with someone he did to really know and now it is going to cost him for the next 18 years. My life is forever altered by this experience. I know life is not over and we will go on to have our own children. I NEVER want my children to deal with this or have anyting to do with OC or OW. I CAN never accept this person in my FAMILY. She is TOXIC. She told me my husband is NAIVE....something is not right with this picture. **By the way...this is her first child.

I think I'm making the right decision. This person will use this kid as an excuse to screw up my marriage and constantly cause problems in our relationship. I don't think there is any other way to move on....What say you?

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Welcome Besthesda,

I am so sorry for the situation that brings you here but am glad you found us! Please familiarize yourself with Dr. H's concepts and I highly recommend you try to attend a MB weekend.

So, the intimate contact your H had with the OW was during the time he was visiting her and OC? Did her H know she was in contact with him? Is her H listed as the father on the BC? Is he ok with your H being the father?

Is your H ok with NC? What is the status of your M right now?

I completely agree with your NC stance and obviously your H needs to learn about openness/honesty and put some boundaries in place.


Faith

me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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Betheseda,

Five years ago, on April second, my FWH informed me that he might have a son. I asked "how old?" The answer was 4 months. I thought I would die. We are still together, good M, great COM. WE are NC and have been from the beginning. OW is not allowed C to us only to our attorney. Yes, we have a bill that is due every month for 18 years (13 more to go). There are consequences to behavior. This is one of them, and it isn't fair to anyone.

I wish I had found this site early on. I spent the first year and a half thinking I was the only person in the world that this had happened to. Only to find out, that unfortunately, there are way too many of us in this situation. This is an excellent site for learning how to recover and create a M that is strong and protected. There are a few of us around that can help you avoid pitfalls, and on going constant assualts by the OW.

Read here. Share the knowledge and site with your H.

Fled


Me BS
D Day 4-2-2005
OC born 12-2004
DS 21, DS 12
Married 1993

May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays.

Recovering....it's a long road, even with a dedicated FWH
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So, the intimate contact your H had with the OW was during the time he was visiting her and OC? Yes. A few days ago she called H's job since we blocked all of her #s. She reached him while in the OR - what a mess. My H called her ATTY who mentioned to him that my H sent the wrong impression by being intimate with her while visiting. This is what OW told her ATTY.




Did her H know she was in contact with him? We have yet to figure out the H business. He is not from this country and waiting to get his green card from what was explained to my H. I'm not sure. It is all a big lie if you ask me. In fact, the H was the one at the birth for all we know and she also gave OC the last name of H, but the funny thing is is that her last name is not the same - go figure. I think now that we have an ATTY we will find out many things about OW that my husband NEVER had a clue about. In fact, that was his first time visiting her home. He even admitted he was shocked about where she lived. My H was clueless and did not see the writing on the wall. He was happy someone was actually attracted to him...I mean his status because she was only seeing $$$.


Is her H listed as the father on the BC? No, remember he knew nothing about this until 2/2010 after OC is 2. The other H has been acting as the father. All of a suddent OW decides to disclose this information to all parties. What a shame! I believe she was aware from DAY ONE!


Is he ok with your H being the father? That would be the BEST option. My husband is VERY happy with that idea. In fact, he asked OW why are you doing this to us?? He also told her he was NOT leaving his WIFE. She plays on my H and tells him she kicked her H out of the house after she told him and wants a divorce. A day later she said she was going back to her H. She is a psycho person and I have never in my life seen anything like this.It would be best. Like I said, we come from TWO different worlds and TOTALLY different backgrounds. It would only create confusion for everyone. Our marriage is BIGGER than just us - trust me! In addition, my H has said he is VERY embarrassed to have this come out because it is SOOOO not his taste.

Is your H ok with NC? He says he is. He feels bad for the child. He thinks it is the BEST option. Mentally I don't think he can handle contact at this time. If he wants our marriage to work the only way is NO CONTACT for now. We have to get some things straight before we can accept another person into our family and we have to be STRONG enough to deal with the mother. She needs to understand who is the REAL BOSS! She thinks OC will take the place of me and she will use OC for that reason. Like I said in my earlier statement, it is amazing how overnight EVERYTHING is my H's problem. He also mentioned now that he has had time to reflect that from the first day she called it was always about $$$$$.



What is the status of your M right now? On the ROX. I love my husband and we moved on. The hardest part is that both said they did not have sex. In fact, OW called and apologized after the affair and told me she did not have sex. Now this.... This person is TOXIC for our relationship and we will not survive if we allow contact. We will NOT!

I also worry about her alleging I would do something to the child. She has made reference to that to her ATTY. That she
was concerned I would hut the child. In addition, she wants my H and it is clear she has some issues going on with her alleged H as well. I would suggest she take OC and her H and mend fences and move on because she will NOT be accepted her at this time. I cannot deal with OW drama. I have not worked this hard to deal with weekend/week day/monthly DRAMA OW. She already has thrown the guilt trip on my H several times and it has only been a few weeks. Can you believe she asked him to take her on vacation to get to know the child? Issues..

If my husband changes his mind I will file for DIVORCE. It is simple as that. I made it clear to him. If we were dealing with a classy person we would not be here today.

I'm not going to allow her to take advantage of my FAMILY or my H. It is NOT happening.

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(((Beth)))) Welcome!!! Please know you are not alone. I am right there with you. I have not been able to give my H a child, yet some other HO gave him his firstborn. It TOTALLY SUCKS!!!!

We are currently NC and I HOPE it stays that way forever!!!! H is not totally resolved to this forever, but is for now until our marriage is restored. Note that he has wanted a child MORE THAN ANYTHING so this is excrutiating painful to him as well as me. OC is just a reminder to me of how my happily ever after has been destroyed!!!!!!!!!!!

Note that OW is leaving us alone at this point. We are putting money in a separate savings acct each month in case she shows up one day.

If you are like me, you are wondering how in the world you ever got here and you are SO sad that you are visiting this site and forum. But please know that although this ROYALLY sucks, you will survive. Do lots and lots of reading here and listen to Faithy and Fled. They have walked with me and have great advice.



Me: BS age 35
POS-eX-the SORRIEST, CRUELEST, LOWLY WAYWARD SCUMBAG out there
Married 14.5 years, together almost 16
DDay: 7-5-09
OC born: 7-23-09
no COM: tried 6 years frown
D filed 5/05/2011
D final 11/10/11
I was gaslighted for 2 years.

"You were not built for a safe story. Take risks and feel what it is like to actually be brave. It's worth it." Carlos Whittaker
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Migsamac, Thanks for responding. This forum helps me tremendously. It is very difficult to speak with family members who have never experienced such a thing. I wish there were sites for men to talk about having no contact and repairing their marriage. I think my H would feel a lot better to know that he is not alone.

I pray that OW is married and the other H wants to be the father to the child so that we can move on with our lives. We have come to the conclusion that H will owe CS if she is not married but we still want NO contact. If OW is married that opens up another set of issues - is the other H willing to conest paternity. My H does not know if the other H signed the birth certificate or if he was in the country at the time. I said to my H why did you NOT ask to see this information if someone is alleging you are the father. Did you not ask these questions?? My H was clueless. I would have asked MANY questions before openly agreeing to take a DNA test without a court order.

Thanks for your words encouragement

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Bethesda,

Somewhere out there is a book that all OW read. It tells them how to play the game. For my OW, she targeted my H because her H wouldn't let her have a child (she was 40, he was 63). She pursued my H and told him she would take care of the birth control (think fertility monitoring here). She was pg the first time. She didn't and still doesn't want my H. She wants his money. Problem is. I am the medical professional in the OR not my H. The CS is always figured based on State formulas, if DNA have proven he is the father then he will have a CS payment for the next 18 years. Your attorney needs to protect him as best he can (some demand CS through college and college costs). The next line out of the OW's manual is that the BW will always cause harm to the OC because of the OW. That we BS's are incapable of viewing OC as a innocent victim either (yes, OC is a reminder of the betrayal, but get real!!) Additionally, they decide that the OC is missing something important (they forgot that part when they were scheming how to have a baby and have someone else pay for it) the OC doesn't have a full time daddy and deserves to. The OW frequently try to re-engage the WS about the OC. The OC deserves, the OC needs, the OC was upset, the OC needs diapers. It's all about the OW but they use the OC to coerce.
WE are NC. Fortunately for us the OW is content just getting her CS check regularly, at least at this point. We have relocated, changed all phone numbers. The OW has our attorney's C information and must go through the attorney for all C.

Your H needs to change his phone number, your attorney needs to C her and clearly inform her and her attorney that all C is to take place through your attorney. The expense of the attorney as a buffer between you and the OW is extremely important in allowing you the peace to heal your M and be able to move forward.

Keep reading here, will your H come and read here? Will he speak with the Harley's and get to know himself and how he allowed this to happen, so that he can change his behavior to protect you and your M in the future?

Fled


Me BS
D Day 4-2-2005
OC born 12-2004
DS 21, DS 12
Married 1993

May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays.

Recovering....it's a long road, even with a dedicated FWH
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FledtheSTATE - I actually had my H read an e-mail Harley sent to me after I shared my story. My H knows what he did was wrong and he walks around daily saying how sorry he is about all of this. My husband has some internal issues that he MUST deal with. I don't think there was anything wrong w/ me. I try to be the BEST wife everyday in all areas of the relationship. I never say NO! My husband tells me he was curious because he has not had many experiences with women. In addition, OW came on to him and he thought that was HOT. He did not seek her out first. In fact, she is older than my H. I believe she knew exactly what she was doing because this was an opportunity to make more in CS then she ever received in yearly salary. The odd thing about this is this was my H's first time ever having an affair and to be so young at the start of his career seems like such a stupid thing to do. I hope OW wants to move on as well because I cannot deal with this situation. It is SOOOO very painful. The sad thing is that I was starting to trust my husband again because the affair happened 2 years ago for only 3 months. We were in a happy place and now I'm back at square one all over again. This was a double blow. If I found out about the affair and child at the same time it would have hurt, but to go to counseling move past this issue and have it resurface 2 years later is a slap in the face. I say everyday I want to fast forward 5 years because this moment is to painful. In addition, OW is not sorry for this. She has said things that have been really hurtful to me. I believe she is bi-polar.

Usually when you have children you know the backgrounds of both parents. This makes a difference in the child along with the upbringing of the child. Well, my H knows nothing about this person. Like I said we are in two different worlds. This is our only option. In addition, I'm afraid of OW using OC to get to my H and playing all against me. Alleging things against me. People do the craziest things these days. I'm a professional and I don't need the DRAMA.

I ask myself time and time again...Why did I get married? I view weddings and relationships totally different. Is it worth all the PAIN and HURT!

What happens to my unborn children. The amount of CS is crazy and I think a child would never spend that kind of money in one month. In addition, OW wants back CS although she never said anything to my H.


I would give all material things my H ever purchased for me back just to have TRUST, HAPPINESS and PEACE. I really would..

Thanks for the encouragement. This site has been a blessing to me and has given a HOPE.



*It is amazing this happened in my own family when I was a kid. My aunt had a child with the pastor of our church. I thought the wife was so wrong for wanting distance but I understand why. My aunt did horrible things to the WIFE. My aunt knew about it from day one but went 4 years w/o telling and was friends with the wife. In fact, the wife kept the child from time to time. How could a person do someone like that...I did not understand but now I know exactly how the wife was feeling. It is a SHAME! All of this stems from SEX!

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Bethesda,

Affairs do not happen because of something the betrayed did. They happen because of the waywards issues. Nothing, and I mean nothing, that the betrayed does justifies anyone from ever having an A. If it's that bad, then they need to D and THEN move on. NC is not only for your H with OW, but you as well. You do not need to put yourself in a place for her to be vindictive to you. Attorney up, and let the attorney deal with her. She has to prove paternity, your H can reduce his assets by having them in your name legally. Read the information on one of the other links that Pep bumped up. If your H is remorseful and willing to protect you, the M, and your future COM and their financial future, he will be willing to do this. Your attorney and accountant can both help with how to legally reduce what your H is worth and how much this OW can snatch from his future.

We would all give everything for all of this to be undone. You can get through this, your M can heal and survive this. You have found an excellent resource to help you on that difficult journey in MB's.

Fled


Me BS
D Day 4-2-2005
OC born 12-2004
DS 21, DS 12
Married 1993

May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays.

Recovering....it's a long road, even with a dedicated FWH
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I read you post and it reminded me of my own dilemma. I posted here earlier. But I posted to the men. I wanted to hear their take on the situation. But now I want to hear the women's perspectivie.

Unfortunately, I cannot decide no contact with the OC. I remarried my H 10 years after he had the A. A child was conceived. He has spent the last 10 years being almost a full time dad. So when I decided to remarry him, I accepted his child. I don't have a problem with that. When we decided to remarry he petitioned the court for joint custody so the OW couldn't use the child to cause us a problem. But the problem I didn't know I was inheriting was the fathering he has done for her other child. In fact I found out that he had played the father role for 2 years while we were still married. I did know he was involved in her other sons life, but I didn't know to what degree.

He never married the OW nor did he live with her. So he can't be considered his stepson. He acts like he cares more for her other son than his own son. I say this because whenever he can't get her other son, he has refused to get his bio son.

The biggest problem I have with this is all the deceit and manipulation surrounding her other son. She got upset with him when he filed the joint custody papers so she emailed him and told him she was going to have to withhold her son from him. And she did for several days. But of course he refused to get his son. So eventually he began getting him for overnight visits again. I told my husband I am very unhappy with this, but he always gives some type of excuse. He tries to turn it around and say that I don't welome this child in our home. ( I'm getting dizzy writing this)

Bottom line, I told my husband this is very difficult for me because it feels like this ow is controlling my h. And she is using her son like a dangling carrot. I know I cannot make my h do anything he doesnt' agree to do. So at this point, I haven't decided what I'm going to do. I have tried sharing MB with him. We have gone over some of the material, but he won't stay committed. He will participate whenever I ask, but I can tell it's only to appease me for the moment. Then it's business as usual.


I don't blame you for deciding no contact. If the child doesn't know your h as the father, why make things more complicated. There is a story in the Bible that supports this decision. If you are interested I will share it with you.

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Tekoa- I am interested. Please send the information.

Thanks for your thoughts. Hang in there!

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Tekoa~
Please post the passage you refer to above. I'm intrigued.


Me: BS age 35
POS-eX-the SORRIEST, CRUELEST, LOWLY WAYWARD SCUMBAG out there
Married 14.5 years, together almost 16
DDay: 7-5-09
OC born: 7-23-09
no COM: tried 6 years frown
D filed 5/05/2011
D final 11/10/11
I was gaslighted for 2 years.

"You were not built for a safe story. Take risks and feel what it is like to actually be brave. It's worth it." Carlos Whittaker
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Are you familiar with the story of Sarah and Abraham?

Genesis:16 (I am paraphrasing, but you should read it for yourself)

Sarah did not have any children to Abraham; although God had promised Abraham a son. Sarah wanted her husband to have a child so bad that she gave her slave to her husband to conceive a child for him. After Hagar (the ow) became pregnant she began to treat Sarah with contempt. (Of course she treated Sarah this way, because now she was carrying Abraham's child not Sarah) When Sarah told Abraham about it(because of course being the man, he didn't see it)Abraham told her to do whatever she wanted with Hagar. So Sarah treated her harshly and Hagar ran away. (Do you see how much contempt there was between the women. It was not meant for a woman to share her husband with another woman. That is why it states that every man should have his own wife)

Hagar ran away, but God commanded her to return and submit to Sarah's authority. (I'm sure Sarah felt better because Hagar submitted to her and Sarah was in control.)
Genesis 2:9-13

Sarah finally becomes pregnant and has a son for her husband. But things turn sour again. Sarah noticed Hagar and her son Ishmael making fun of their son Isaac. She demanded that her husband get rid of them both. She said, "he is not going to share the family inheritance with my son, Isaac, I won't have it." Abraham was very upset wit his wife, because that was his son she was talking about. But God told Abraham to do just as Sarah says. And he put them from his house.

Some people will read this and get something very different from what I get from it. But one thing is clear this situation was too much of an emotional strain on Sarah. Their marriage must have been very important in the eyes of God. Marriage is first even before children. If you don't get your marriage on solid ground, what do you think you could positively give to children. I think a child is hurt more by all the chaos that goes on in emotionally strained households.

Don't get me wrong I am not saying to throw the child out with the bath water. Children are loaned to us for but a season. If couples find themselves in this situation and they both agree to have the child around, then I say kudos. But the injured woman/man has to be prepared for an emotional rollercoaster. Unless the couple makes it very clear that their marriage is first and foremost, and they will not jeopardize that. They both have to be aware of the tactics of the other party to try and sabotage their relationship using the child. In most cases, men are not able to see the subtle and not so subtle ways of the OW. So the wife tends to be alone in fighting the battle and her husband thinks she is paranoid.

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Thanks Tekoa. I am very familiar with this story. But, this is an interesting take. Thanks for sharing.

In late Jan. of this year, God unexpectedly gave me Gen. 18:14 during my quiet time. I am CLINGING to that verse that I will (in Jan. 2011) have a child of my own.

"Is anything too hard for the LORD? I will come back to you next year at this time, and Sarah will have a son."


Me: BS age 35
POS-eX-the SORRIEST, CRUELEST, LOWLY WAYWARD SCUMBAG out there
Married 14.5 years, together almost 16
DDay: 7-5-09
OC born: 7-23-09
no COM: tried 6 years frown
D filed 5/05/2011
D final 11/10/11
I was gaslighted for 2 years.

"You were not built for a safe story. Take risks and feel what it is like to actually be brave. It's worth it." Carlos Whittaker
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Even when both and H/W agree to have the OC around it is still an emotional rollercoaster. Loving the OC, helping raise the OC does not take the pain of this situation away. That I believe is WHY God told Abraham to send Hagar and Ishmael away. God created us and He knows the heart of woman.


Faith

me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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Faith, you are definitely right. Even when both agree there is still the emotional rollercoaster. But the nauseating feeling you get from the rollercoaster tends to be less when both spouses are moving in the same direction. Especially if they follow the rules they both put in place to protect their marriage against another affair. The wayward should be so appreciative that his spouse is willing to endure the emotional strain for his sake.

God does know the heart of a woman.

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Migsamac, thanks for sharing; hold on to God's promise. I will keep you in my prayers.


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Thanks Tekoa.........it will definitely have to be a miracle!


Me: BS age 35
POS-eX-the SORRIEST, CRUELEST, LOWLY WAYWARD SCUMBAG out there
Married 14.5 years, together almost 16
DDay: 7-5-09
OC born: 7-23-09
no COM: tried 6 years frown
D filed 5/05/2011
D final 11/10/11
I was gaslighted for 2 years.

"You were not built for a safe story. Take risks and feel what it is like to actually be brave. It's worth it." Carlos Whittaker
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Thanks for the information. I will read tonight! Be encouraged.:)

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Just checking in....
It has been one of those days. :((

I'm feeling all of the emotions all at once. Today I feel like I want a D and move on with my life but on the other hand I the love for my husband and the life we built is keeping me here. I just can't believe this has happened to ME.

Have any of you that do not have contact exp your husband lashing out at you later on for making the decision. Sometimes
I feel like he made the decision to protect our M but is it the right decision. Although I'm very happy about it but is it the right decision. Should I move on and let him assist in raising his child and move on with my life. I have so many questions in my head.....When I think we are doing the right think I second guess myself.

I think our M is very important and MORE important than OW or OC but is that really fair to OC?? Please HELP!

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Originally Posted by Bethesda
I think our M is very important and MORE important than OW or OC but is that really fair to OC?? Please HELP!
You are quite right in saying that your marriage is more important than OW or OC. You do not have to consider what is right for OC. Your marriage is first and foremost.

I have bumped a thread by Pepperband entitled "first and foremost". Please read it through; it will help you.


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Bethesda,

Oh honey, I think that we are on the same page. Believe me you are not alone! I've been having "one of those days" for a few days now. I feel like calling it quits and that it's not worth it either.

One thing I have figured out is that we can't dwell in how this could happen to us, cause it did. We can't go back and change that part even though deep down there's nothing else we'd rather have right now than to go back and change everything! Too bad there's not a real time machine...we can only watch back to the future and dream smile (a lil humor)

We have decided no contact, but as of yet I have not experienced any backlash, but I do wonder if my husband will resent me later for NC. I second guess this decision everyday feeling like I'm the bad person for wanting NC and H is such a great dad to our other children I should let him go so he can be a great dad to all his children. It really puts us in a tough place. I'm not sure what is fair to the OC, but I do know that the A was not fair to us either. I keep thinking about adoption though, i don't know anyone who has personally given a baby up for adoption, but i wonder if it's the same feelings. I struggle with knowing if we'll ever be really happy and if we can really move on with our lives. Women who give their babies up for adoption go on with their lives and are happy and have children later on when they feel they are ready, but how many regret the decision of adoption? not sure, but I think this is a similar situation. The OC is a child that we do not want in our lives, why can't we move on and let someone else be the loving parents to this oc and move on wth our lives and have happier M?

I don't know why we're beating ourselves up like this and I often question it as if maybe this is the wrong decision and I'm doing the wrong thing.

Biblically, the A is adultery and is a punishable sin. However, there is no verse in the bible that says not wanting a child is a sin. Yes, it says that a H should be the leader of his family, spiritually,financially and emotionally. His family is not the Oc his family is where his home is.

Abraham and Sarah is a very good example of this situation and in the bible the oc Ishmael was not to be included in Abrahams inheritance either. God only referred to Isaac (the child born from his wife) his true only son, that he was willing to sacrifice.

I try to meditate on this and believe and have faith that God will work this out for us no matter what decision is made. It's hard to let go and let God handle our problems, which is why we keep second guessing ourselves.

You are not alone! I wish we could take a cruise and all of us get together to talk and cry and support each other...maybe an idea!

I'm here with you! (((Bethesda)))



Me BS
DD 14 DS 10 DS 8 DS 2 DS 1
DDay 7/2009 (learned about A and OC same night)
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Bethesda,

No two relationships are alike. Many here will tell you if there is an A and no COM. Leave. Others will tell you that M is a commit, a vow before God and family to each other. The M is the most important relationship even before COM. Without the healthy M where would the COM be?
Many people in society put more significance and importance on the OC. Because the OC is an innocent child and you are a grown adult. I do NOT buy into this. Yes, the OC is innocent, however, the sins of the parents extend to that OC regardless of your decision. That OC will always suffer the consequences of being conceived by two people out to get their rocks off (sorry about the truth being ugly). Without COM, yours is a decision of saving and recovering the M or moving on.
I just went past the 5 years since dday mark.I have COM. There were more than just me, FWH, OW and OC to calculate into the damage control. We made the decision to save our M. We are healing (we only discuss the A now in terms of damage control, what can't be undone) FWH does not have any regrets about his choice of NC. Saving our M, helping me to heal, taking care of COM, regaining his self-respect, far out weighed any benefit from being a part-time dad to OW's child, and the loss of the M, relationship with COM (which would have occurred). Every situation is different and unique.
There are many that have not walked in these shoes who will get high and mighty and tell you about what your WH's responsibilities are concerning OC. They totally relegate the WH's responsibilities to the BS and the M and the COM to a lower level. As long as the WS is responsible for the legal CS determined after the DNA testing, then these are the consequences of the OW. She made this decision when she allowed herself to become pregnant, maintained pregnancy, and kept the OC. The WH is not required to sacrifice his BS and COM further because of his wrongful actions.
Think about what is most important to you, have honest POJA discussions with your FWH about what is important to him. He can't fix it. He can't undo it, He can't make it go away. He has to decide what he can live with and who and what are the most important to him. If the two of you together can come to an agreement on this, then you can continue to work on moving forward.
It isn't easy, C or NC. Recovery from an A is hard. Even harder and longer with an OC. There will be CS, at a minimum for 18 years, with OW attempting to intervene in your lives the whole time. But a unified front from the two of you, joint decisions that you both stand up to, at all times, will allow you to survive and keep OW away.

Are you reading over on General? His Needs Her Needs, Surviving an Affair? You need to focus on whether you want to save the M, you can always chose to walk away later if you want, choosing to stay today does not mean that you can't decide that it is too much 6 months, or a year from now.

Fled


Me BS
D Day 4-2-2005
OC born 12-2004
DS 21, DS 12
Married 1993

May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays.

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Bethesda, I am sorry for the grief you are experiencing. Betrayal of a spouse is like a death. But rest asure this too shall pass, but it takes time. I am speaking from experience. I will share with you something I haven't shared on this post yet, but I feel led to share it now. I believe my sharing will help others that are going through the same thing to know that they too can get through it.

I have been married three times to two different men. My first husband, whom I had all four of my children for, had an affair with someone who was supposed to be my friend. She was pregnant the same time I carried our 4th child. To make matters worse he was supposed to be a minister. I was left to raise all 4 of my children alone.

I remarried about 10 years later and that husband had an affair and conceived a child. We divorced, but remarried 10 years later. I know a lot of people reading this will say, "why would you remarry a man that violated your marriage vows and betrayed you. Well, that explanation is for another time. I am now dealing with his son from that affair; whom I accept without regrets. He has joint custody of him and he gets him 4 days out of the week. I think if we would have stayed together I would probably have some difficulty accepting his son. We split up immediately after the discovery.

My hearts desire is to help other people going through what I went through, so they can get through their dark times. I had many dark days and endless nights. I still experience emotional highs and lows from time to time.

Several weeks ago I was at a low point. My daughter sensed it and she said the most profound thing to me. She said, "Mom, everytime you had a battle you felt you couldn't win you gave it to God and he won it for you." Every situation turned out better than I dreamed possible.

In the beginning it is always harder, because it is so fresh. You will vacilate between what you think is right and what other people may think is right. Ultimately you will have to make that decision for yourself. I feel marriage is the first priority of any relationship. I believe this, because in the Bible Christ describes his relationship with the church to that of a bride and groom. This is the only relationship Christ used to describe his relationship with his followers. Marriages are under attach more than anything.

For me, I try to accept my trials as a way to make me stronger. But that is not to say everyone feels that way. But this is what helped me to get over my darkest days. Another thing that I do when I am feeling at my lowest is to think of others that have it far worse than me. This is not to minimize what anyone is going through. Because when you are experiencing pain it feels like pain no matter what the circumstances are. But this helps to get my mind off of my suffering for a moment.

Whatever decision you make, your true friends will support that decision. Any decision you make in this situation is not the wrong decision. If you share with someone who judges your decision as wrong, then just know that you shared with the wrong person and don't take it personal.



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Tekoa and Fled........ hurray hurray hurray Great posts!

Betheseda......the following is just my two cents..take it or leave it...

My H and I are NC, but he is not fully on board. I just posted on Calla's thread that he would LOVE to be a cakeeater...pick up OC, be a dad, raise him jointly, blah blah blah...one big happy family. But there is NO WAY, NO HOW I can do this at this point. Things are WAY to complicated currently without having to involve OC.

OC is still young in my sitch...under one year...so he doesn't need H now. Someone else pointed out to me that all OC cares about is a titty and getting his booty cleaned. smile smile H feels like he is abandoning OC. He just can't seem to completely come to terms with the fact that #1, he DESTROYED ME, MY PARENTS, HIS PARENTS and #2, OC will not have a dad. (At least not until OW remarries or something.) So, does/will H resent me? Maybe...says he doesn't....says he is doing this for our marriage. But REST assured, if I wanted to go get OC right now, he would be the first one in the car.

So, I consider the "resentment" a risk worth taking. I know that we should be using POJA, but there is not a resolution here that makes both of us 100% happy. H is resolved for NC for now, but not forever. I need NC FOREVER!

Like Fled said, you don't have to make any decisions now. I have a dear friend that walked this road 15 years ago and has C. I ALWAYS said there is NO WAY I would stay if this happened to me....never, ever, ever, ever, EVER dreaming that it would. I suppose no one is immune. So, I am choosing to stay for now, OW is leaving us alone (for now), but I am well aware that the "status quo" can change in the blink of an eye and I am now better prepared and more equipped than I was soon after DDay.

Please continue to post and vent. We are here for you. smile



Me: BS age 35
POS-eX-the SORRIEST, CRUELEST, LOWLY WAYWARD SCUMBAG out there
Married 14.5 years, together almost 16
DDay: 7-5-09
OC born: 7-23-09
no COM: tried 6 years frown
D filed 5/05/2011
D final 11/10/11
I was gaslighted for 2 years.

"You were not built for a safe story. Take risks and feel what it is like to actually be brave. It's worth it." Carlos Whittaker
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Migsamac,

One thing you can count on is a human beings ability to change their mind. What might work now may not work later; and that's ok. We can say what we will do for now, but when the circumstances change then we tend to change.

You are so right to factor in that h may resent you later. Of course, he really doesn't have a right or should I say he will not be justified in his actions. What people in this situation feel to realize, nc with oc is the consequences of their actions. There are consequences for the wrong that we do. We may be forgiven, but the consequences don't go away.

If a bs agrees to have contact with oc, then the ws should bend over backwards to show some just compensation. He should understand that the other party is willing to accept the emotional strain that they will endure throughout the lifetime (or at least until the child is grown and on their own) They should ask themselves, "what am I willing to give or do for this person if they are willing to do this for me?"

But, be strong in your decision and know that if you have a change of heart, then that's ok too. Now one can tell you what to do, because you are the one living this.

Final note for those who have not walked in your shoes. you have no idea how this feels. So you shouldn't be so quick in judging anyone who expresses their feelings.

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Let me first say THANK YOU for all of your support. Your thoughts and experiences are very helpful. I never imagined people would experience this everyday of their lives. Why did our H's let temptation get the best of them.

My H says he is okay with NC. I am going to trust him. We will NEVER accept OW into this family and that is exactly what she wants. She is a very special person! My H received a call from his ATTY the other day and H's ATTY had a chance to talk to her ATTY. H's ATTY actually made a comment that this OW is playing games. She is definitely not HIGH END. The ATTY said, maybe she was cute but not HIGH END. In my opinion she is neither. However, H's ATTY clearly peeps OW is out for money. The amount of CS on a yearly basis is double what she makes in one year working. Now, keep in mind she has been out of work on DISABILITY for the past 1 1/2 and it is about to run out. In addition, she tells her ATTY that she is married but is NOW all of a sudden willing to get a DIVORCE. This case is all so weird to me and it is becoming that way to my H now. He hopes she stays with her H and they raise OC. OC actually knows OW's H as her DAD/FATHER. I don't think OW's realize what they do the children and families when this information is announced 2 years after the fact. She allowed her H to sign the birth certificate and act as the FATHER for 2 years and now all of a sudden you want to contact the bio-dad. That is crazy! Sometimes OC's are better off without knowing until they become of age if then. Like my H said to me, if his mom told him tomorrow that his DAD was not his bio-dad it would not matter because that is his DAD and that is the person who raised him. Now, if IW is NOT married like she says then her OC will NEVER have a DAD in her home regardless. I think that is what my H feels so bad about because he grew up in a TWO parent home and it WORKS! I did not and I vowed I NEVER wanted my children to EXP that. I want my H and I to put our children to sleep every night. He also knows that regardles of the Csupport that OC's life will not be the same or what he invisioned for his children. It will never be.....


OW and H have very different backgrounds and upbringings.She and her husband are from another country. She says her H is waiting on his citizenship??? My H has no idea about OW's childhood or philosphy on raising children. We do not live in the same city and even if we did it would not work. I cannot have OC become the center of our FAMILY. OW is drama filled and wants to seek my H's attention by using OC as bait.

A few days after I found out IW called my H's cell and I answered alleging the kid was in the HSP. When we called back to find out how OC was all she could talk about is what H would be sending her each month in csupport. She demanded $3K a month after we offered a lower figure. I explained to her that the conversation was OVER. In fact, I told my H why are you considering this. We need an ATTY. He thought he could do this without the courts. He was pleasantly surprised that he was not dealing with someone in their right mind. In addition, he now reflects that all the initial conversations he had with her prior to my knowledge were all about money. My H was scared and he did not know what to do. I told him he should have told me first instead of hiding this for 4 weeks. In addition, a day after that she called back stating H agreed to by a car seat and bedroom set for OC. Why is all of this H's problem all of a sudden. What happened to your H? She told my H she stopped her H from seeing the kid because my H was the biodad...Now, is that really in the best interest of OC. She also told her ATTY my husband was supposed to get a BIG promotion. Now, why are you interested in that information - $$$$. The information is not true. My H's attorney told him he was a BIG TARGET and this person basically used him to get paid for the next 18 years and probably work very little in the future. My husband now sees this clear as day even dating back to when the fling started. She asked him for money during that time as well. He could not see the writing on the wall.

She wants to create issues and problems. She is a manipulator and I will NOT have that in my family - NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM.

She has burned her BRIDGE with me and my H's is almost out.


When I think things will calm down....I find out I am expecting -go figure. I am very early in the pregnancy. I have a long road ahead of me. I take one day at a time because I have been down this road SOOOO many times. I know have to have a procedure to keep the baby inside of me. Keep me in your thoughts.

Again - Thanks so much for your support.

P.S. I think I'm ready to write a short NOVEL...

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Bethesda, it is very clear that the ow is after money. Usually that's how it is especially when a c is in the picture. It doesn't matter how many times we see this in the news, the men think they are immune to it.

Think of something you really enjoy doing and let that be the center of your attention. When you think of thoughts that make you upset try and turn your attention to the thing you enjoy. For me it's music. During my dark days when I couldn't sleep or do anything else I would lie in bed with my earphone in and play my favorite tune over and over again. I got lost in the music. It was a plesant escape. It actually drowned out the thoughts in my head. I literally slept with them on and music playing. I kept the battery companies in business. (smile)

Continue doing what you are doing by posting here. I wish I had this forum while I was going through. One thing I think most women have in common is the need to talk. We may need to talk about the same thing over and over again. You can do that here. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

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Congratulations on this pregnancy. Take care of yourself. Let that Attorney deal with all the crap. Your H can pay him to help protect you and this little. The attorney can limit all C between OW and your family, and limit the financial damage as much as legally possible.
Your H needs to know that he needs to keep you in the loop. He cannot keep the information secret to prevent stressing you or causing harm to the pregnancy. His silence will cause far more stress for you than his openness and full transparency. We can deal better with what we know, than cope with the great demons and fears we dream up from lack of knowledge.
(((Betheseda)))
Blessings,
Fled


Me BS
D Day 4-2-2005
OC born 12-2004
DS 21, DS 12
Married 1993

May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays.

Recovering....it's a long road, even with a dedicated FWH
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$3000 A MONTH???? Holy cow! What is she smokin'?


Me: BS age 35
POS-eX-the SORRIEST, CRUELEST, LOWLY WAYWARD SCUMBAG out there
Married 14.5 years, together almost 16
DDay: 7-5-09
OC born: 7-23-09
no COM: tried 6 years frown
D filed 5/05/2011
D final 11/10/11
I was gaslighted for 2 years.

"You were not built for a safe story. Take risks and feel what it is like to actually be brave. It's worth it." Carlos Whittaker
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My H income is high and he makes probably 20 times what she makes in a year. She out for money and was from day ONE! My husband did not see it. My H admits that she came after him. He never asked her out. She likes them young. She is OLDER than my H. Whatever! I'm not going to let OW or OC still my joy. I am focused on repairing my M and focusing on creating the family that my H and I have dreamed about. She made this bed and thought that she could work her magic and get over on my H. She actually told him he did not have to tell his WIFE. Go figure! She did not know we have everything together and live as one so what is his is mine and mine is his. She is clueless and always will be. I pray in advance for the NEXT victim.


I'll take tekoa's advice and think of good things going forward. When I'm down I'll post because it makes me feel better.

I'll continue to TRUST GOD. I really think God is working on my H and exposing him in order to make him into the person that he should be. :))) I love God! That is the only way that I have made it through all my circumstances. I call this another season in life.....I'll TRUST you GOD.

Thanks again for your support.

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It hurts the BS that there is an OC and also hurts the BS that family money has to go to raise the OC.

This does lower the families standard of living. Though your WH is as any dad must pay to raise his child.

Time to let DNA tests, lawyers, and the courts determine a fair amount for CS.

Fed min wage 7.25 x 40 = $290 wk

You said your WH makes 20x's that $5800 wk. Lots of couples not making that combined. At least you are well off. Imagine if your WH was making $290 wk and had to pay CS.

Courts tend to feel that "all" of a man's children should have the same standard of living.

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Understood. However, it hurts when my H knows this person is completely out for $$ and the money will not go directly to OC. It will be used to create a lifestyle OW never had. Again, it is just MONEY but my H is just upset at the amount that is needed. Our children will not spend $2-3K a month. I hope OW uses the money for good and saves it for OC to be used in the right way but in MOST cases that NEVER happens. At the age of 18 OC has no college FUND and NO savings. My H suspects that OW will not return to work for a while. She will enjoy her extended disability.
In the state we are in it is a set schedule based on the monthly income. Again, we are resolved that the money will go out every month and it alters things slightly but we will still live and there is always more money to be made. In addition, I work and I don't plan to stop working AT ALL. So I think we will be fine but it is just unfortunate that we know the OW's motive and my H played right into her hand and is now stuck with a BILL for 18 years.

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Bethesda, I think what really hurts more than just the money is the fact that she will be benefiting from the money. If you knew it was going specifically to the child, it wouldn't hurt as much. But we all know that it doesn't take that much to raise a child.

My h paid 600.00 a month for the past 10 years. But he also took care of everything else(glasses, health care, clothes, daycare, afterschool care, so all that went to her for her use. He also had his child 4 days out of the week. She never did homework with him. If he had homework on the days she had him it would stay in his bookbag until dad got him and did it. Well, as soon as we remarried he took her to court for joint custody and cs modification. He now pays 250. a month, because of the time he has him. Where we live cs is based on a set amount that is needed to take care of a child. Then that amount is divided among the parents based on their income. When the judge lowered the cs she cried in court. She actually said, what am I going to do about Christmas and their birthdays." She works and her new husband works. And my h continues to take care of all of his c needs. So she still spends the 250 on herself. And to top it off she has never allowed him to claim his son on taxes, but she allowed her mother to claim him. Which is illegal. She doesn't worry about claiming him, because she has 2 other children to claim, and expecting her 4th. She already has 3 children by 3 different men. At least this last one is supposed to have the same dad as the 3rd child. I shared this so you could have a laugh! Men always tend to affair downwards. (someone beneath their spouse)

It is a shame that our men don't see that at the time. They don't think past their "head" and not the one on their shoulder. The next 18 years should be a stark reminder to him. But of course it will be a reminder to you as well. After some time it won't feel as painful

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Thanks for the information.

I think over time it will become less painful and I'll have more things to think about. Actually OW will be on the losing end at the end of this because money does not my complete happiness - TRUST me.

I would rather have peace in my life and live a moderate lifesytle than to have all of the money in the world and have DRAMA!

God will get me through this....I will LIVE again! :)))

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That's the attitude to have. "You will LIVE again"

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Hello Everyone,
I wanted to provide an update since I have not posted since 4/2/2010.

Things have been very quiet. After we hired ATTY and made it VERY CLEAR of our wishes to have NC we have not heard from our ATTY or OW's ATTY since the beginning of APRIL. I'm not sure what has happened. I pray that OW has moved on and decided to allow her H to be the FATHER of OC, however, a part of me believes OW is waiting for her H's citizenship to go through then she will make a move. Although, I made my decision that I would NOT ACCEPT it and OW or OC will NEVER be apart of my life or FAMILY. I ONLY have one life and I REFUSE to expose my children or myself to a DRAMA filled LIFE. In addition, it is not FAIR to me to accept this sinful ACT. My H had to make the ultimate decision. In order for our marriage to work it would be NC with OW or OC. PERIOD! Otherwise, I'm leaving and I'm done with my H. I thought about resentment but I don't care because I have to look out for MY FEELING and my HEART! Why should I have to live with a constant reminder! Why is it FAIR to my children to be exposed to MESS and DRAMA!

We are still attending counseling at least 1-3 times per month and that has HELPED! We are also moving on to prepare for our family.

My H says he does not think about it and only thinks about it when I bring it up. I don't believe him..:) He tells me he made his decision and he has no regrets and wants to really move on with his life. He says if and when he has to meet his financial obligation he will and that is it. NO CONTACT for LIFE. Our situation is a little different because OW was aware of this and just decided to come out of and address it after 2 years with all parties. OW was wrong on so many fronts. She had her H believe OC was his child and he bonded with the child from BIRTH. I think it is only fair to H and OC that they continue to BOND because OC will NOT have my H in her LIFE.

I am very hopeful that TIME will heal our MARRIAGE and we will continue to live a FRUITFUL life of LOVE and HAPPINESS for one another.

Thanks for your support!


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You sound good Besthesda. What do you suppose makes someone lie for two years and then come clean? I cannot imagine what her motives were.


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Initially money $$$. This was all about her creating a lifestyle. Like I said before, when she initially contact my H it was always about MONEY and getting him to accept her in his life from day one. My H now reflects and says it was about MONEY and wanting him from DAY one. He fell into all of her TRAPS because he was scared and thought by giving her money he could keep her quiet until he figured out how to handle. She asked him to take her and the kid on vacation, pay insurance for OC, buy a bedroom set, take kid shopping and open an account to give her money. This was all within the first 2wks of her contact him. My H gave her at least $1500 because she said she was NOT working and needed money for this and that. My H paid for the DNA test because she would not stop calling and at that point he had not told me. He was scared and did not know what to do. My H is young and has had very few exp with women and this was a nightmare that he thought would be go away but it came back to BITE him in the XXX 2 years later. Keep in mind I was aware of this affair two years ago and my husband told me he never had SEX with her, which I knew was a LIE. He says he told me that after I found out because he did not want to HURT me. Well, he thought nothing would happened and guess what...it did. I always told him what is done in the dark will come to light and the TRUTH will come out. During my H's initial contact with OW she told him her H had died and she was a widow and thought my H was the father of the child. She told him she knew from day one when OC came out because she had a difficult time holding OC. We later find out that the other H is NOT dead because she later told my H he was not. This is just a BIG MESS. She is a liar and my H being clueless was thinking with the WRONG part of his BRAIN. My H openly admitted that this is NOT a person that he would ever want to bring around his FAMILY. He said this was JUMP OFF and someone that is SO unlike him and his morals and values. He is so SORRY now but you can't change the past but what he can DO is make sure this NEVER happens again because I WILL NOT be around. I cannot take an unfaithful HUSBAND. Like I said earlier, I have ONE LIFE...not TWO...and I want my LIFE to be GREAT, FUN and HEALTHY. I'm TIRED of PAIN and HURT. I've been through to much in the last 2 years. It is amazing how one event can shape the way you think of other MEN. My H and I are reatlively young and have at least 40 more years of life ahead of us and I REFUSE to DEAL with PAIN, DRAMA and HURT. I told MY H if you CANNOT do this please LET ME KNOW NOW! I told him I would totally understand, but he owes it to ME to let me know NOW so that I can move on with my LIFE. That is only FAIR. There is always another MAN but I doubt VERY seriously I would entertain another one for a VERY LONG TIME. I have no interest because in my eyes they all have the potential to CHEAT and that is something that would send me over the EDGE.

**Sometimes I want to WRITE OW a letter to explain my feeling and thoughts on the situation but I have come to the conclusion that OW is NOT my problem. I need to work on my H because he is ultimately the one that I AM very UPSET with because he knew better....trust me. In my H's line of work he KNOWS the consequences of not rapping it up! In addition, he should have NEVER put himself in that position to begin with because it is JUST WRONG!

We have decided to share this information with a few friends and our parents know. Our g-parents don't know. At their age it would be to much for them because they LOVE both us on each side of the family. Our sibilings are not aware of the situation and never will be. We have decided not to ruin our family with this MESS. This would be to much to explain to the children in our family who really look up to my H. It would not be fair to them. My mom has always told me that some things are better left unsaid. And this is one of them....



I'll keep you posted on my progess.

Life MUST and WILL go on....


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So very glad you dropped by! You sound good. Keep taking care of yourself smile


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May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays.

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Hi Ladies - Update!!
OW filed court papers and my H was served today on his way out to a basketball game after his ATTY specifically asked the other ATTY no to serve him since he was represented. It is confirmed that she was married and the OH signed a waiver of parental rights which allows OW to seek support in this state. She also listed that she wants a parental plan and specifically said I was trying to sever all ties between the biological father and this child despite DNA testing. She also said my H insisted on the DNA test which is NOT true. She kept harrassing him so he felt he needed to because he was scared and did not know what to do. He figured if it was negative he could move on with his life. Now she says he requested - NOT TRUE!

My H has made it clear that she wants NO CONTACT with either party. I afraid our state will force a parenting plan. I told my H our marriage will NOT WORK. It is not fair to me. I've been through SOOOOO MUCH and I only have 1 life. Now, I'm pregnant and had to have major sx recently to keep the child inside of me full-term. I have some real BIG decisions to make because if CONTACT is forced down my H's throat I cannot remain in the marriage. The only way our marriage will work is to have NO CONTACT otherwise I am leaving my H and will raise my child on my own.

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Hi Beth, I just hate these bitty OW's. They are they ones that screw our H's and then cry foul and mistreatment. They just make me sick.

I seriously don't think a state can force a parenting plan on you guys. Have you asked your lawyer? Like you, we are NC and based on the way I feel now, I want NC forever and will likely leave if OW in my sitch starts all this mama drama (note she currently is leaving us alone, not seeking CS, etc.). Our lawyer said that we "could" sign something that waived my H's parental rights although H would still be responsible for CS. I would check into that.

Please keep us posted. Take care of yourself!!! (((BETH)))


Me: BS age 35
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OC born: 7-23-09
no COM: tried 6 years frown
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Thanks for your support!

My H is on board with NC and has asked me to TRUST that this will all work out and we can move on with our lives and raise our children. He told me last night he NEVER wanted the child and he NOT the father of the child, just the bio-dad and OW never gave him an opportunity to have a say in the matter and he just does not think it is fair that she can come back into our lives and DEMAND that we allow this child into our lives and our marriage. He said at the end of the day he will have to live with his decision but he cannot control or change the past be he will CONTROL the future. We both agree we have one life and having this situation is NOT what we wanted for our family. I just hope I can remain STRONG. I will feel SO MUCH better when I KNOW we have to pay CS, HEALTH and LIFE INS and THAT IS IT~! I really don't care how much but I cannot STAND the thought of OW. I have NEVER MET her and I NEVER want to meet her during my LIFE TIME. Can I enjoy the rest of my LIFE with MY H and MY CHILDREN...Is that to much to ASK?

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Bethesda,

I have never heard of a state forcing visitation on a non custodial parent. They will enforce CS and possibly life insurance and health insurance costs on him so be prepared.

Congratulations on the pregnancy and I will keep your little one in my prayers for a healthy delivery.


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Bethesda,

One loose cannon in your plan is the OC, I'm an OC and I didn't see my biological father until I hunted him down at 35, be prepared for that eventuality. Your husbands relatives are OC relatives every bit as much as they are to the COM.

I used to keep my parentage a secret, but now I tell everyone, and will eventually contact everyone I can find in his family. I have already found everyone in my biological Mothers family.

God Bless
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I'm also an OC, and I've only met two people in my father's family - my father (whom I haven't seen since I was 14) and my half sister (who I met when I was 24, and who already knew of my existence). I have chosen to stay out of the lives of my father's family. Most of them (including my two half-brothers) do not know of my existence. I don't really consider them my "family" at all. Yes, we do share some common DNA, but this is not the family that I was raised in and, although I once felt differently, I currently do not feel as though anything is missing from my life because they are not a part of it.

My point is, there's no way to know how the OC in your situation will feel in the future or what he/she will choose to do, and there's no use worrying about something that is far in the future and not within your control anyway.


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My point is, there's no way to know how the OC in your situation will feel in the future or what he/she will choose to do, and there's no use worrying about something that is far in the future and not within your control anyway.
Thank you for this, writer1.

Gamma, anyone who puts a child up for adoption or goes NC for their own personal reasons knows that the adult child may come looking for them. I do not agree with you tracking down your bio's entire family. That sounds quite invasive to me. JMHO and please do not start an argument.


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Gamma- I actually have NO problem with the OC seeking out her bio-dad as an ADULT if that is what she wants to do and my H is in agreement. We actually spoke about that and would be happy to explain WHY H made the decisions. If my H is no longer living then I would explain without a problem.

I'm not sure if you read my thread but the OW is married and my H is married. OW waited 20 months to notify my H of this situation. My H moved on with our life and was working very hard to restore our marriage and it was going really well. OW called me after the fling was over to apologize and tell me she never had SEX with my H. She was very sorry and hoped that I would forgive her. I let it go. Now, she wants to enter our life again 2 years later and throw OC in my H's face - I don't think so. Her H has been the FATHER of the child from DAY one. However, she really wants my H to be her partner in life. She is very confused and what my H now understands is that his actions prior to notifying me of this sent the WRONG message. Women are emotional beings and while men take SEX as just SEX women often times become emotionally attached and will do everything possible to make your life a living HELL just to get back at the WIFE. Some on the otherhand can move on with there lives. She is definitely out for the $$$ and not for OC's TRUE best interest.


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Writer 1 - I agree with your response. It is actually just DNA and at the end of the day bio means nothing. It is actually the person in your house who raises you everyday that is really your father and if that is your mother than so be it. I had my mother. She was my mother and father until she remarried. My dad sent CS and had visitation but did not exercise his right on a regular basis and I never wanted to go. I was better off with my mom. To this day I have a better relationship with my step dad because he was the one in the house with me everyday and saw me grow up. I know who my dad's family is and have spent time with them but it is NOT the same. I don't feel connected to my DAD's side of the FAMILY at all.


So, I agree, it is just a DNA connection and that is it. Thanks for your thoughts...

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Gamma, anyone who puts a child up for adoption or goes NC for their own personal reasons knows that the adult child may come looking for them. I do not agree with you tracking down your bio's entire family. That sounds quite invasive to me. JMHO and please do not start an argument.

ITA with FF and Writer1. In our family, only our parents know about OC. That's it and we intend to keep it that way. It's only going to cause great pain in years down the road, when OC shows up, we are healed and this sitch gets ripped wide open again.

Yes, OC has my H's DNA, but that's all. Nothing else. H doesn't intend to be a father to OC in any form. Gamma, please consider ALL involved. No one wins, but I encourage the path of least resistance. If a bio parent wants to be involved with OC later in life, let them come looking and allow the OC to decide if the relationship should be pursued. Otherwise, accept and love the family that chose you. What is gained from pursuing those who don't want to pursue you?


Me: BS age 35
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DDay: 7-5-09
OC born: 7-23-09
no COM: tried 6 years frown
D filed 5/05/2011
D final 11/10/11
I was gaslighted for 2 years.

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Bethesda,

I know you said you would tell OC about the hows and whys I would also encourage you to keep a collection of H's family photos for OC. Identity is a very strong need for some OCs.

One of the issues which really bothers me is that MY children and wife have my adoptive last name which feels like fraud to me, I think I should have taken my wifes name when I married. There are just no clean choice for me now.

OW is married .... Her H has been the FATHER of the child from DAY one.

Does her H know?

She is definitely out for the $$$ and not for OC's TRUE best interest.

Perhaps you can try to get the courts to allow some percentage of the settlement in a trust OW cannot touch for college.

God Bless
Gamma

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Migsamac,

Yes, OC has my H's DNA, but that's all. Nothing else. H doesn't intend to be a father to OC in any form.

Some estimate that DNA is 1/3 to 1/2 of who we are, I know in my case it was deeply satisfying to have my voice mistaken for my half-brother when I called my half-sisters house. Blood is still blood, and physical traits are badges of identity.

Gamma, please consider ALL involved.....Otherwise, accept and love the family that chose you. What is gained from pursuing those who don't want to pursue you?

KNOWLEDGE good bad or indifferent, I have to know everything I am a detail person, I can take the rejection if and when it comes. I wanted to know that my bio-Mother almost died from an overdose of pills after she gave me up and was put in an insane asylum, that my bio-Father was a superficially pious man with a reputation as a humanitarian, as they say at GOOGLE more data is better data.

Every person I met who knew of my story gave me an additional perspective, will I ever get the complete truth, NO, but then again who does.

Funny how many people on this site expect radical honesty from spouses, but not for children of affairs.

God Bless
Gamma


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AGAIN Gamma you are assuming we are saying lie to OC. Why do you say that? Nobody says the child should be lied to but respect that fact that biology does not make a family. This is not the first time you have accused us of wanting to lie to the OC, that really puzzles me.


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I've never heard anyone advocate lying to the OC on this site. My mother didn't lie to me about anything. I knew who my father was and the circumstances surrounding my birth. I had all of the information about my father's side of the family that my mother was able to provide.

When I was younger, I did have a very strong desire to know that other side of my family. I did feel like there were a lot of pieces of the puzzle missing. But, as I got older, I realized that biology (other than perhaps a medical history) isn't really all that important to my self-identity. I know who I am. I know who my family is. They are the people who loved me and raised me. I feel like, even if I were to get to know my father's side of the family now, that they really wouldn't feel like family to me. It was great meeting my half-sister and having lunch with her, but I didn't really feel like she was my sister. We didn't grow up together. We didn't have the bond.

My H and I are raising my OC. I don't intend to lie to her about who she is. When she's old enough to understand, we will tell her about her biological father. I have no idea if she'll want to meet him. I'll leave that up to her. But I'm fairly confident that she will always think of my H as her dad, because he is, in every sense of the word other than biology. He is the one who is raising her. He is the one who stayed up with her nights when she was a baby and held her when she was sick. He's the one who plays with her and loves her and teaches her and adores her. Those are the things that make a parent. Her biological father has never even met her. Even if she chooses to find him someday, I don't think she will ever have that same bond with him.


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((Writer1)) hurrayhurrayhurray I just love you to pieces.

I have never planned to lie to OC. I will gladly tell him how his (married) mother got drunk and screwed a married man. I will gladly tell him how my H disregarded the rest of his loved ones when he obliged. I will gladly tell him ALL about my struggle with infertility and how this is the worst possible thing that could ever happen to me.

The way things are today, OC will need to prepare himself for utter and total rejection if he comes to look for us. Different strokes for different folks but our OC will need to accept the family that wanted him as opposed to seeking out the family that did not.


Me: BS age 35
POS-eX-the SORRIEST, CRUELEST, LOWLY WAYWARD SCUMBAG out there
Married 14.5 years, together almost 16
DDay: 7-5-09
OC born: 7-23-09
no COM: tried 6 years frown
D filed 5/05/2011
D final 11/10/11
I was gaslighted for 2 years.

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Yes, H is aware of the situation. In fact, recently he signed a waiver of his parental rights in order for her to pursue CS. She has him under her spell as well. He has bonded with the child since the day she was born. The child has HIS last name and has lived with him from DAY ONE.

She will get enough in CS that she should be able to save for college for this child. The AMT of money she will receive is more than most people make in one month. She will never return to work because she will make more in CS.

It is a sad situation....it really is.

I just know for my life and my children I want things to be normal and MY H had a tough decision to make. He made it and NC is the way that is BEST for our family and I think in the BEST interest of the other party. We are in different worlds - TRUST me. Our circles are a far cry difference. In addition, this person is a complete liar and manipulator and will use OC to her advantage. She actually told my H she would make me feel important. She has said some horrible things about me. That I had 4 misccarriages because I was selfish. Seriously..... At some point I have to forgive my H but I have no respect or forgiveness for her because she does not MATTER in my life nor does OC. My H is priority and I am dealing with him and he is working really hard to keep our marriage. In addition, I am pregnant and found out in the mist of all of this drama. I recently had major sx (cerclage) to keep my child. I have been through a lot. I don't deserve to deal with another party and I'm NOT. We have been together 12 years. Life without each other seems unreal for us and our FAMILY. It would be devestating to our FAMILY, nieces, nephews, ETC. I think when years past and WE BOTH look back we will both agree this was BEST for us and was the RIGHT thing to do.


To be HONEST with you I think the OC would suffer more if we allowed CONTACT because we do come from TWO different worlds. Not only is it to much to ask of me, but it would be to much for a child and that is also why I think we are making the right decision.

OW would take complete advantage as she did early on when she told my H and I was not aware. He now regrets many things that he said and did because he sent the wrong message - he was unsure of how to handle because this situation is WAY out of his league. He grew up in a househould with a mother and father who have been married for 32 years. Never was exposed to MESS. Thanks for your information.

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Writer 1 - I really value what you said in your last piece and at the END of the day I think that your H's decision to participate in the childs life was in the BEST interest of your child. She has a happy life and she does not have to worry about going back and forth between homes which in my opinion is NOT HEALTHY for children anyway you look at it. People think it is but it is NOT. I am a product of it and it does not work. At some point children do NOT want to go and it hurts the other parent. In addition, the household rules are different and lifestyle in my case is definitely different. It would create MESS. Best wishes to you and your family. I know a woman who NEVER told her daughter because she felt it did not matter. Her real father is the one who raised her. In fact the individuals bio-dad recently died and she still did not tell her and the child is an ADULT. She felt that somethings are left better unsaid and the child does not know any different. This very same thing happened early on in my family. My g-mom is not the child of her father who raised her but we never knew any different. To this day most don't know. It only came out by a sister when we had a family reunion to a few people that my great-gmom was pregnant when she met her H. My great-grandfather raised my G-mom and took care of her as his daughter and never would admit to anything else. I often look back when we would compare what my g-mom got from her dad and he never said anything. He went along with it and it was NEVER a question in our families mind and to this day it is not a question in most minds. The only reason why I know the story is because I happened to be sitting at the table with her sister. At the end of the day it does not change ANYTHING. My g-mom was loved in a family of 5 and is the oldest. She NEVER knew anything about her bio-dad and I don't know if my g-mom really knows the entire story nor does she care. She had a great life! In fact, my g-mom was born into the marriage and took on the last name of my great grandfather.....Like I said, some things are left better unsaid. Your choice!


**This OC also took on the last name of her current legal father and now OW wants to change the name. Best Wishes...

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(((Beth))) WOW!! Thanks for sharing. Kudos to you also. smile


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Married 14.5 years, together almost 16
DDay: 7-5-09
OC born: 7-23-09
no COM: tried 6 years frown
D filed 5/05/2011
D final 11/10/11
I was gaslighted for 2 years.

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Awesome posts everyone! Writer what a blessing to have you on these boards.


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Thank you all for the kind words. This was such a nice thing to wake up to.

Bethesda: I'm really sorry for what this OW is putting you and your H through. She really is a selfish person. I think it's just terrible that she's basically creating this rift between her OC and her H by making him hand over the rights to this child he's been raising as his own simply so that she can get CS and profit financially. It really is an awful situation and I wish she wasn't choosing to put you in it. Just try your best to take care of yourself and your baby. What a wonderful blessing this new life is going to be for you and your H! Just stay focused on that and try not to let everything else drag you down.

We decided when I first found out that I was pregnant that really the only choice in our situation was to tell the truth. We had 4 older kids (at the time they were between the ages of 18 and 13) who knew that my H had had a vasectomy many years ago. All of our family knew as well, so there really wasn't any possibility that the baby could have been his, and everyone knew it. With so many people aware of the situation, we decided that it would be best to tell our OC the truth when she's older, since the likelihood of her accidentally finding out would be great and I don't want her to hear it that way. I don't think it will matter to her one iota. She is very much loved by everyone in our family and nothing will ever change that. My H is truly a remarkable man for being able to accept her the way that he has. He is absolutely wrapped around her tiny little finger. It's so obvious when you see them together that he loves her 100% and very much considers her his little girl. When he comes home from work, she starts squealing and runs to the door yelling "daddy, daddy" with the biggest grin on her face. I absolutely know that I did the right thing in a situation that was far from ideal. I couldn't imagine our lives without this precious little girl now. It seems odd, because in so many ways, she has brought my H and I closer together. A baby really is a precious gift.


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Writer 1 - Thanks for the words of encouragement. I try everyday but it is so hard to stay focused. I pray that God will redirect my thoughts. I'll keep you posted on my progress and thanks again.


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Bethesda,

**This OC also took on the last name of her current legal father and now OW wants to change the name. Best Wishes...

This is actually not a bad idea, as it preserves the OCs biological identity, puts OC in the correct family tree and eliminates the perpetuation of this situation upon OCs children 20 or so years from now.

God Bless
Gamma


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Gamma,

As someone who grew up with my bio father's last name, I strongly disagree. I was the only person in my family (meaning the family who raised me) with that last name. I just didn't feel connected to my name at all.

My OC has my H's last name, which is also my last name and the last name of the siblings she is being raised with. That just makes so much more sense.


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Again, bravo Writer. I couldn't agree with you more.


Me: BS age 35
POS-eX-the SORRIEST, CRUELEST, LOWLY WAYWARD SCUMBAG out there
Married 14.5 years, together almost 16
DDay: 7-5-09
OC born: 7-23-09
no COM: tried 6 years frown
D filed 5/05/2011
D final 11/10/11
I was gaslighted for 2 years.

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MY H made his decision to have NO CONTACT. The BEST option for the child is to have her H's last name. I found out as an adult that my paternal g-father took on the name of his grandmother's husband's name, so my maiden last name is not really my bio last name, however my g-father was not raised by his mother or father. His g-mom raised him so he took her H's last name. Does it matter to me - NO! I have no interest in learning about what would have been my bio last name if my g-father took on his bio-dad's name. As you can see, now that I think about it I don't have my bio maiden name and my maternal g-mom does not know who her bio dad is....I'm okay and our family is OKAY, so I could agree with WRITER 1 more! I think OC would feel apart of the FAMILY and it also makes things easier when you a filling out documents and when the FAMILY is introduced. THE OW I'm dealing with is from another planet. In addition, she has not been working and now that her disability has run out she is now ready for $$$. As I said in earlier post, my H's very fling was short lived and he admitted it. I found out very quickly and knew this person less than 3 months. I actually understand that my H is not the first person OW has gone after in the same place of employment. She was looking for a sucker and she found my H.

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i have to both agree and disagree with the last name issue. in our sit the oc has my last name and is just as much a part of our family as any other child. she does see her bio regularly and is better off for it. she sees both sides of her heritage and is growing and understanding who she is.

since she is living 90% of the time in our house her last name does make her feel connected

no win my oldest dd's house she has 5 kids and they have 3 diferent last names. ALL of them feel loved and connected as family because of teh love they share and show to each other.

now i do disagree with the child needing to have her biological last name to share in that family tree. the child is just as much a part of the mothers family tree as the bio fathers.



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I think in our situation, our OC having her bio dad's last name would have made no sense at all, since he isn't a part of her life. Not being a part of her life was something he decided all on his own, and logistically speaking, I don't see how it ever could have worked, seeing how he lives 3000 miles away. It would have been a nightmare trying to figure out how to transport a baby across the country for visitation, and no one involved in the situation thought that was in her best interests. Her bio dad did say he would agree to meet her when and if she so desires, though I think that may get a little sticky on his part, since his daughters, ex-wife, and new wife don't know she exists. I think he's putting himself in a bad situation there, but it isn't my problem. If my OC wants to meet her bio dad and learn about that side of her family someday, I will do everything I can to help her with that. But it all just seems so far away right now and not something I spend a great deal of time thinking about.

The one thing we have to grapple with is timing. Since her bio dad isn't a part of her life, at some point we will have to explain the situation to her, since she won't grow up knowing that she has another father. I'm not sure yet what will be an appropriate age for that (though I'm pretty sure it isn't 20 months, LOL). If we tell her too soon, she may not really understand. If we wait too long, we risk her thinking that we've been lying to her for her entire life. It's kind of a sticky situation, and it does concern me, but I hope we'll just know when the time is right and that we'll be able to handle it as delicately as possible. It isn't a conversation that I'm looking forward to.


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Fled the STATE - Did you attend the CS hearing with your H?

Did you all try to come up with an agreed amount before going to court or did the ATTY suggest let the judge order the amount?

Does your H also pay HEALTH (did he purchase a sep. policy?) and have a LIFE INSURANCE policy?

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Beth, I think it depends on your state. In mine, the CS is based on a formula that takes into account the H's and OW's salary.

Have you updated your H's will to reflect leaving ZERO or $1 to OC? Fled and Faithy suggested this to me and we did so ASAP. Otherwise, if the OC is left out, the courts can read it to be unintentional and make an award anyway. I also think that Fled, going forward, put everything in her name and nothing in H's. (Just to be safe.)

My H's will specifically states that he leaves NOTHING to OC and all to me.


Me: BS age 35
POS-eX-the SORRIEST, CRUELEST, LOWLY WAYWARD SCUMBAG out there
Married 14.5 years, together almost 16
DDay: 7-5-09
OC born: 7-23-09
no COM: tried 6 years frown
D filed 5/05/2011
D final 11/10/11
I was gaslighted for 2 years.

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My H and I also moved to another state.

H filed the CS case before OW did. She was livid! She didn't think H would file and she had wanted to file in our state because the CS laws are radically more liberal.

That state only takes into consideration the non-custodial parent's income and takes 20% of that amount for OC, up to a specific $$ amount. It didn't matter whether OW made a lot or a little. My income was not considered.


I have just learned a little about the will issue. A friend of mine was left $100 in her parents will (basically cut out as they were very wealthy), while her siblings shared all the rest. Her attorney told her that this $1 or $100 tactic doesn't work anymore and you can still contest the will and often get a judgment. Partly because the heirs want to finish it up and the contesting holds up all the money, so they make an offer. Sometimes the judge makes the award.

So, now I have to figure out what we will do on my H's will to keep OW or OC from contesting the will or prevent them from being awarded money from the estate. If H decides he wants OC to have $$ that's one thing, but I don't want them to be able to TAKE it from my family, or be given it by a judge.

So, it seems, we might have to be more creative in the writing of the wills!!

We already have a life insurance policy for the OC on my H in case he dies before his CS support obligation is finished. The policy was agreed upon instead of OW/OC having a claim on me for the rest of the CS until OC is 18. The policy would finish his obligations.

Hope this is helpful.







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Yes, The CS will be based on my H's salary. We live in FL. The OW went out on disability and never returned to work. There is also another twist that her H was not a US citizen and is in the process of getting his green card. This is all very crazy. The OW knew from DAY one that it was not her current H's child. She admittd that to my H. She went along with everything for 20 months before she decided to let the other party know. I just don't think it is FAIR but the law says there is a 2 year statute...she is just shy of two years. Before we got an atty she told us that her atty told her that she was entitled to three K a month. She has never MADE $3K a month in her LIFE. She is a minimum wage employee - well now not working. What eats me up is she has NO IDEA how hard my H and I worked to get him where he is right now and the nights that I was home alone and up with him studying and helping him practice for tests, etc. She wants a hand out and she wants my H. She actually told my H that I would be a fool to leave my H. Actually, my H told her you are wrong...because I really do need my wife. I can't afford to DIVORCE her.....Understand my H is just beginning his career and has so much life ahead of him....and a whole lot of debt.


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LBELLE - My H and I met in undergraduate. We have been together for 13 years and married for almost 10 years. My H has been in school for MOST of his 20's and early 30's. This is his 2nd year working. Although, his wages are high we are in a LOT of debt ( student loans, a condo that is under water that we cannot sell and are upside down on and will never get what we paid, we have very little savings in the bank (less than $300) because we have been paying off all the credit card debt we racked up while my H was in school and I was the ONLY income. It has taken us 1 year to get from under the credit card stuff and we are still NOT done. We also have STUDENT LOANS that are in the six digit range. So, my H's net worth right now is SUPER NEGATIVE! The only thing we both have is a six figure INS policy. My H also has a disability policy but that is to HELP us should he become disabled. So, I'm saying all of this to say my H has nothing to WILL anyone. Unless, OC wants an under water condo that will never make what we paid because we OVERPAID for the place. We don't own property,stocks, bonds, etc. We have NOTHING. We are just like everyone else because we have a condo in another part of the state and we are living in another...trying to maintain two households. Actually, I think this situation came at a good time because my H will ONLY ever have his W-2 check stub. We have decided that anything that we purchase or invest in will go in my name. We have not created a WILL because there is NOTHING to will. The insurance policy will be purchased for the CS so that should be sufficient. OW would actually get more in her insurance policy then my children will receive if something were to happen to my H. In addition, what 2-18 year old spends 2-3k per month....we are clearly taking care of OW and OC for the next 16 years, because she is NOT going back to work and her H would have no problem because he is also benefiting.....Keep in mind I am not dealing with professional people. These are people that have never had anything and have never worked hard for anything. I was not surprised to see OH contest paternity at the request of OW because I'm sure they both said, hey we can get 2-3 per month...plus back CS. Sweet!

We live in the same state as OW but luckily we chose to move after the affair 2 years ago trying to start over and we did. We were very happy....now THIS. This was a total shock to my H although he knew he had intercourse without protection.

Prior to finding this out we talked about moving to another state or area so that is a possibility. My H always looks for the BEST job opportunity. I'm still working as well from home. That is another thing that bites me...here OW is NOT working and I've been working and taking care of our household from day one and OW DID NOTHING to deserve money and will collect our HARD earned money. I consider the money my H makes as ours because we both worked very hard. I supported him more than what you can ever believe. I know how hard he worked for EVERY DOLLAR he makes and I know how HARD I work to make every dollar. We were going through our budget and my H admitted that he actually needs me to work in order for us to pay all of our obligations at this time. He needs me. I'm so tired of OW's looking for HANDOUTS and MEN falling into the TRAP because they cannot control themselves. My H knew better. He knows what unprotected SEX can do not only creating a child but also STD's, diseases, etc. This could have been a lot worse than just a OC.

I'll keep you posted! Thanks for your assistance. I cannot wait to post the final outcome and really MOVE on with my life.

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Whatever insurance their is for the COM their has to be for the OC. Judges have ruled HI for the COM, HI for the OC. LI for the COM, LI for the OC.

Never heard of having to have LI for the OC in case the WH dies before the OC is 18 to cover CS.

Is there LI to cover the COM?

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No, but in our state OW can ask the judge for life insurance to cover the CS award amount. We would get a term policy and it would be over after age 18. The only LI we have is what my H and I had before this mess and that was to assist me if something were to happen to my H.


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What about back CS?

Has anyone seen a judge that did NOT order bak CS because H was never notifid until 20 months after the fact?

I think OW should only be entitled to money from the period H was notified. It is SO NOT FAIR!

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Originally Posted by TheRoad
Whatever insurance their is for the COM their has to be for the OC. Judges have ruled HI for the COM, HI for the OC. LI for the COM, LI for the OC.

Never heard of having to have LI for the OC in case the WH dies before the OC is 18 to cover CS.

Is there LI to cover the COM?
Actually TR, many states are so as*backwards they ONLY consider the child the CS case is for. They do not care about existing COM. I know some families in this sit where the COM have no life insurance or health insurance for their protection and have had to get by on very few "extras" because OC gets so much awarded. In fact I know one family that by the time health insurance is paid for, more than 50 percent of the FWH's income is going to OC. In that sit, the OW works and makes as much as FWH and STILL the courts awarded this ridiculous amount of money. It is all about the ONE CHILD.


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Back CS depends on the state and the judge.


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All of this is terribly unfair - to the COM and the BW. I can't even imagine how I would feel if I were in this situation.

But I can see the other side of it too, since I lived it. Obviously, things have changed a great deal since my mother (OW) took my father to court. She got $125 a month for 18 years (never went back to court to have that adjusted for inflation). I had no health insurance. As an adult, I had to endure thousands of dollars in painful dental procedures because my mother couldn't afford to take me to a dentist. We ate off food stamps. I lived in a house infested with rats the size of guinea pigs.

Is any of this the fault of my father's BW or COM? Absolutely not. But, my father was 50% to blame for the situation, since he chose to have an affair just as much as did my mother. He chose to have unprotected sex with someone he wasn't married to, as did my mother. In my case, my mother paid for those mutual (and bad) decisions far more than my father, because that's how the law worked at the time.

In my own situation with my OC, my H and I have taken on 100% of the responsibility. The bio father has never offered a single dime and we decided it wasn't in our best interests to pursue CS. We have suffered financially for several years now. We are close to having to file for bankruptcy and will in all likelihood lose our house. Is any of this fair? Certainly not to my H or our COM. My actions caused this situation, so I suppose I'm getting what I deserve, but I wasn't the only one who made the choice to have an affair. The OM is just as responsible for this situation as I am, and he has had to suffer absolutely no consequences for his behavior.

There is no such thing as "fair" in this kind of situation. No matter what happens, it isn't "fair" to someone. That's what makes this all so terrible. There just are no good solutions to the problem.


Me: BS/FWW: 48
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Quote
The bio father has never offered a single dime and we decided it wasn't in our best interests to pursue CS.
Again, writer1, why I love you to pieces. You see the value in "more harm than good." I am very impressed with your H. I will be praying for good things to come to you and yours.

Am hoping my OW feels the same as you since she is leaving us alone to date.


Me: BS age 35
POS-eX-the SORRIEST, CRUELEST, LOWLY WAYWARD SCUMBAG out there
Married 14.5 years, together almost 16
DDay: 7-5-09
OC born: 7-23-09
no COM: tried 6 years frown
D filed 5/05/2011
D final 11/10/11
I was gaslighted for 2 years.

"You were not built for a safe story. Take risks and feel what it is like to actually be brave. It's worth it." Carlos Whittaker
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What STATE is that? Please tell me NOT FL.
I thought it was based on income in most states.

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Writer 1- You are very responsible, but the OW I'm dealing with is far from that. She is looking for HANDOUTS! I am certain at the end of 18 years she would have done nothing but supported herself and will place no money in an account for that child...I'm 1000% certain. That is the problem with CS. I wish the H's could pay for things and the money goes directly to the COST of the item. At least we would sleep better. My COM's will not spend that kind of money per month....I wish I could give it to you...LOL!

Some women no what it is to work for a $ and some look for handouts....

I have an aunt in my own family like that. Most of her adult life she lived off the CS of the fathers of her children (multiple fathers). Her gravy train is coming to an end in December of this year, because her last child turns 18. I don't know how she will survive....

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WOW! I've only been on vacation for two days! Let see where to start.

Life insurance. I own the policy. I took it out. It belongs to me and I decide who the beneficiary is, ummm ME! then COM, then my brother. We were not required to have a LI policy by the courts (Yes, I was at all the hearings). The attorney who wrote our will claims it is legal to acknowledge that the OC exists and that nothing is to be left to him and his mother. Also, she can make a claim against his SS for death benefits. However, his "estate" is ery small. Everything I own, I own. She doesn't have a right to anything I have. and currently it is very easy to show that the income he earns doesn't pay for anything that is mine.
Betheseda,
Yes I went to three court hearings. She refused to get a job when she found out she was pregnant and only at the final court date presented a hand written piece of paper saying that she had signed up to do temp. work for an agency for * dollars an hour. I am pretty sure she is yet to work a day. Until we go back to court and force her to show the day care records along with her work schedule from her company and time sheets we can't prove it. (and how much will that cost?) we will deal with that when the OC starts school instead, and the daycare costs go down.

Most importantly, NOBODY can force your FWH to see OC. No they cannot! Listen to me. If you and your FWH choose NC then NOBODY can make it different. You need to take care of yourself. Let the attorney take care of your FWH's mess the best he can, and find a good financial planner/estate person to figure out what the best way to proceed financially to protect as many assets as possible and you and future com will be. Unfortunately the OW found her pot of gold. Your FWH's attorney's job is to keep that pot as small as possible (this isn't about what the OC needs or the amount wouldn't be so insane!).



Me BS
D Day 4-2-2005
OC born 12-2004
DS 21, DS 12
Married 1993

May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays.

Recovering....it's a long road, even with a dedicated FWH
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$3000 a month is absolutely insane. No one needs that kind of money to provide for one child, especially a child who is living with 2 able-bodied parents who are capable of going out and earning a living and supporting him/her. It's pretty obvious that the OW in Bethesda's case is simply looking for a free meal ticket, and she's using her child to create a situation for herself where she won't have to work or worry about supporting herself, at least for a very long time. It's ridiculous, and it shouldn't be legal. Hopefully, a good attorney can get that sum down to an amount that is more reasonable and make the OW get a job and pay for half of the expenses. Your H should only be responsible for providing half the expenses necessary for raising the OC. He shouldn't have to completely support the OC, OW, and her H. That's just not right.


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"$3000 a month is absolutely insane. No one needs that kind of money to provide for one child"

This is why many a BW see's a lawyer, files a separation and has CS awarded for the COM. Thus beating the OW to the punch.

Because OC CS then is only based on the income left over after the WH has paid COM CS.

However their have been many famous men that left their COM and D their BW to marry the OW and have a second set of COM with OW/W#2. Paul Neuman left his COM behind, made it big financially.

Did his orig COM deserve to live in wealthy areas that he did with the new COM? Did the orig COM not deserve the same vacations and schooling?

Clothing?

Cars?

Second homes?

Get to say my dad is PN with the same pride?

I sure his orig COM deserved at least that much a month.

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But the key is ORIGINAL COM. I know TR, somebody will get a piece of the hurt pie.


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I only mention the will information because it was mentioned in another post. And I understand you may not have anything but debt NOW. But you will. And OC will always be his child. Even after CS is over. And he/she will have a claim on any possible inheritance as an heir.................whatever amount their is.

So, it might not be something you are concerned about now, but you will want to think about it later.

We don't have an updated will. It was done before OC and the affair ever happened. But we need to address it at some point. I just heard the information about the wills recently and we will need to have a plan.

I may have missed it, but do you have a CS order from the court for $3000 per month? If your financial situation is what you are saying, I can't believe you are required to pay that much.

If you don't have a court order for the amount, were did you come up with that $$ amount? That's really high and I wouldn't expect that level unless your H had a huge salary!


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Pops,

You wrote....

she sees both sides of her heritage and is growing and understanding who she is.

Thanks for posting that, I'm glad you understand the complex issues behind identity which always have a biological component in spite of our wishes for love to over-rule nature.

As OC we really do not have a definite status in life, and we have to accept that we are a part and not a part of whatever family we end up in, perhaps needing a type of double think to resolve our existences.

I think our OTHER status is communicated not so much explicitly where polite discretion rules, but is implicit in how we are treated.

God Bless
Gamma

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Thanks! I find in my case the ATTY only wants to deal with my H. I'm not sure I want to come face to face with OW because I have never seen or met her in my LIFE. However, I want to show support for my H. I'm afraid that showing up with cause more problems but I am not afraid. I'm curious to see what the ATTY will recommend. The way things have gone thus far it will probably be that I do NOT attend.

As far as the LI is concerned it was requested in her initial filing with the courts. The statute does not call for it but it is one of her requests. The initial petition did not request day care expenses but I'm sure she will come up with something.

I do agree we need a financial planner quickly. I think we are in a good position because we have NOTHING. We are negative as I have said before. Going forward we have to strategize about finances going forward.

We are both in agreement with NC. At the end of the day it is BEST for me. I cannot go on in my marriage looking at an OC and dealing with an OW. It is just not an option for me. My H understands it will not work as well. We are on the same page. I just want the order to be signed and for us to close that chapter until she comes back for an adjustment.

As far as the Health Insurance. I told my H we should purchase a separate policy because we are really thinking about moving. In my H's job if another opportunity presents we may go. This is something we talked about prior to knowing anything about this. We are not married to this state. I think that is a cleaner way to go.....

Well, I'll keep you posted. Thanks for all of your advice. I really appreciate everything! Hope you had a great vacation.

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Unfortunately in our state it is based on your income and IW right now is not working. Even if she was working she would only be responsible for a VERY small portion because she makes less than two-five a year. We shall see. I think it is unfair as well but what can you do. In addition, I think the back support is unfair as well since my H had NO knowledge of this CRAP! She will lie and say she could not find my H since we moved but that is not true because she found a way to reach out to him by searching for his father's office #. In fact, we were still in the area when she had the child. Just a low life...

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The Road - I disagree with you!

In my case OW deserves NOTHING we have worked hard for and let me tell you I have SUPPORTED my H financially from DAY one. She was not born into our household or lifestyle nor will she live our lifestyle regardless of what we give OW, because OW will only spend it on herself and be completely reckless with the money. This is more money than she has MADE in her life time.

At the end of the day I know we have to pay OW but she will NOT still our happiness and marriage!

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Originally Posted by LBelle
I may have missed it, but do you have a CS order from the court for $3000 per month? If your financial situation is what you are saying, I can't believe you are required to pay that much. **We do NOT have an order just yet. We just started the process.

If you don't have a court order for the amount, were did you come up with that $$ amount? That's really high and I wouldn't expect that level unless your H had a huge salary!
Yes....what is huge??



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I thought I heard somewhere the CS isn't supposed to exceed either 20% or 30% of gross income - I forget which one it is. But if $3000 is only 20% or 30% of your monthly salary, then that's huge. To me at least. But then, I don't think my H even brings home $3000 a month.


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bethesda

Your reading comprehension is a bit suspect.

I said the COM deserve the same as the new kids get with the new wife. As in PN's case the COM did not.

Now L will add this, all the children of a man deserve to be treated the same.

This is why affairs can never be compensated for. Nothing can be put back together the way it was.

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The Road - To your point...I don't disagree with you but In most cases I don't think children of affairs are treated the same nor do they have the same life experiences as children born into a two parent family nor do children of divorced parents (depending on the date of divorce). It is NOT the same.

I wish someone did a special on children of affairs and children of divorced parents to really see the harm that is brought to ALL parties involved. I do agree that affairs can NEVER be compensated for!!!


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Originally Posted by TheRoad
Now L will add this, all the children of a man deserve to be treated the same.
I think that the only thing that a child born outside an existing marriage deserves is to be financially supported by its father. That child should not become the taxpayers' responsibility because its parents were never married.

Only the children born of the marriage deserve to be a part of their father's life. That is one of the main purposes of marriage: to recognise and support any children that are born of it. Children born outside marriage are not entitled to any particular kind of treatment from their fathers, except not to be a financial burden to society.

They are not entitled to visit his home, be welcomed by his other children, attend family functions, have their picture on the mantelpiece or have their father attend their functions. These privileges can be granted, and I admire those, like faithful follower, who choose to do this for OC. However, those who do not want OC in their marriage have the right to simply to do nothing in favour of OC.

A marriage vow is, in part, a commitment about the treatment of future children born of the union. There is no such commitment made to future children born outside marriage.

We should always uphold the difference between marriage and non-marriage.


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Ouch.

I would never say that contact with the OC should be forced onto anyone, especially a BW and COM who had nothing to do with creating the situation and truly are innocent victims. However, the OC is also innocent in all of this. The OC did not ask his/her parents to have an A and bring them into such a situation. I do think we should be careful about presenting this in a way that makes the OC into something bad and shameful. No one deserves to be made to feel as though they are unwanted and don't deserve to be in this world or have a life, and sometimes (though it may be unintentional) I do get that impression from the occasional post.

I'm sure my father's BW wasn't too happy when she found out about me, and I'm sure she may have wished I was never born. So be it. But, as an OC, I cannot let that fact drain my life of meaning and make me feel that I am less of a human being because of the circumstances under which I was born. I'd like to think I have just as much of a right to be here and live a full, complete, and happy life as any child born into a marriage. My beginnings may not have been ideal, but they do not define who I am as a human being.

And I do also disagree with statements that somehow make the OW more at fault for the situation than the WH. The choice to have an A and create a new life was made by two people, and both of those people need to take responsibility for that choice. A child is not primarily a woman's responsibility simply because she is the one who carries it and gives birth to it. That is a very antiquated way of thinking. It takes two to tango, and the WH participated in that dance (knowing full well the possible consequences of his actions) just as much as did the OW.

I don't want to anger anyone. I know the BW and the COM suffer in situations like this, and it's not fair. I've come to realize that a lot of things in life aren't fair, but it is what it is. In a perfect world, only the people who actually do something wrong would suffer the consequences of their actions, but this isn't a perfect world. People do things everyday that drastically alter the lives of others. What about the drunk who chooses to get behind the wheel of a car and plows into the woman driving her children home from school? He walks away without a scratch, and this woman and her children are killed (or permanently disabled) because of his actions. Is this fair? Did this mother and her children do anything to "deserve" having their lives ended or permanently altered?

I hate the fact that there is injustice in this world as much as anyone, but that doesn't change anything. When an OC is brought into the world, innocent people are going to suffer. There's just no way around it.


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I do think that the OW in Bethesda's case has nothing but her own best interests in mind. It's absolutely unconscionable for this woman to allow her BH to believe this child was his for 20 months, and then completely pull the rug out from under him and tell him the daughter he believed to be his all this time really isn't, and then to rub salt in that wound by taking steps to change the child's name and have his legal rights taken away just so that she can profit financially. Bethesda and her WH didn't even know about this child's existence until very recently, and I think under the circumstances, they're handling the situation as best they can, and I commend them for that.

Bethesda, I'm sorry that you're having to deal with a selfish, gold-digging OW. I feel sorry for any child who has to be raised by that kind of person too. It really is too bad that she can't step back and see what she's doing to her H and her child, not to mention your family. There may not be a "perfect" solution to these situations, but certainly, the solution that causes the least amount of fallout and damages the fewest lives should be the way to go, and she's obviously not choosing that.


Me: BS/FWW: 48
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Writer 1: Thanks for your perspective. My H and I were healing from this affair. This person called me and said she was sorry about one month after I found out about this. She said she NEVER had sex with my H. She made it a point to tell me that. I did not ask for this information. She told me she was a child of God and she would not want this to happen to her and was very sorry she went out with my H. This fling was for 2-3 months because I found out about it. Both parties said the same them. I did not find out about sex until this OC issue came along because he told me they did not have SEX. I did not believe him but I went with it to heal my marriage. This was not some long-term SEX affair. He told me he had protected sex with her twice and once without a condom and that was last time and he now regrets it 1000%. My H knows nothing about OW. He met up with her in cheap $20 an hour hotel rooms. This all came out...not that it matters at this point. How can you every TRUST someone again...including my H.

I love my H because we were healing. It has been 2 years and we were doing well. Now, I wish I would have left then but I stayed because I loved my H and my marriage and now this. This is not fair to me and I understand life is not fair but I hope people see where I'm coming from. My H has to work for the rest of his life to make up for this and I don't know if he ever will.

I thought about leaving my H and starting over with life. It all seems so scary. I love my H and all I ever wanted was to have a normal family. I'm also pregnant now so I'm faced with my child entering into a world of mess. At this point it is hard for me to enjoy my pregnancy because of all of this MESS. IT is so not FAIR!! I often ask God what did I do to deserve this in my life. I gave my ALL to my H and my marriage.

The least amount of fallout will happen if we have no contact with OW and OC. This is the ONLY way to heal and strengthen my marriage at this juncture in our life.


Sometimes I asked Why Did I get Married? Then I see on th news today Al Gore and Tipper are getting a divorce after 40 years of marriage. Is that going to be me one day after I work really hard to improve my marriage? Are we trying to hard to make this work and is a break up inevitable? As you can see, my thoughts are all over the place.

I hope all of this improves with time. Some of the other stories are encouraging...

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marriage license
what marriage license
a child don't need no stinkin marriage license

To want to connect with their birth parents is normal and natural. Relationships are not the same as sitting down to the diner table and ignore what you do not want to eat.

A parent should not ignore their child just because they were trapped into it. Men know what they were doing and the possible outcome.

However I believe in NC between the AP's even when there is an OC. There are ways to co parent without C.

A mess no matter what is decided. Some one will come up dirty end of the stick. If not all.

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Road: The desire for contact with one's biological parents varies from one individual to another. I have a friend who was adopted. We grew up together, and she never once expressed a desire to meet her biological parents. She's 39 now, and she still feels the same way.

Bethesda: I can't even express how much admiration I have for your strength and courage. I think you are handling all of this with a remarkable amount of dignity and maturity. Your #1 priority has to be taking care of yourself and your family, especially that new little baby that's on the way. You did absolutely nothing to deserve this at all. No one deserves this.

Trust is a difficult thing. I struggled with it for a very long time. My H lied to me over and over again about his long term (10 years to be exact) EA with his ex-girlfriend. I had so many D-days I lost count. I think it just takes time, and them proving themselves over and over again. Actions really do speak louder than words, but it takes time to see the consistency in actions, and there really isn't anything anyone can do to speed up the process. I can't say that I fully trust my H now, because of the magnitude of the lies I was told, but I can say that I trust him more than I used to, and we have taken precautions so that neither of us ever put ourselves in an environment where an A is likely to occur, so that helps. But, I still check his email every once in awhile, I still look at his Facebook page.

Honestly, if the situation was reversed, I think I would have to have NC as well. I think that I may be able to raise an OC that belonged to my H, if the OW was not in the picture. But I do not think I could handle having to co-parent with the OW and have that constant conflict present in my life. I don't know if I could even handle having a H who had to make out that check every month. I don't know if I could handle having to watch a portion of our hard-earned and badly-needed money go to the OW while my family had to do without. I just don't think I could do it.

In our situation, we have NC with the OM whatsoever, and I think that's why it is working. My H and I are raising our OC as our own daughter, alongside our COM, with no outside influences at all. We don't have to worry about CS or visitation or co-parenting. That would just be a nightmare, especially with the distances involved between us and the OM. There have been times when CS certainly would have helped. We've suffered financially because of our situation (and the general condition of the economy), but I know the drawbacks of such a scenario far outweigh the benefits.

I just didn't want you to think that I was criticizing you for wanting NC with the OC. I'm not, and I definitely understand where you're coming from and I think I would feel the same way.


Me: BS/FWW: 48
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OC: 10
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This is my first post here though I have been reading this forum for a long time. I wish it was around when I had my D-day almost 17 years ago.

I found out about the affair because apparently my husband was trying to end it, and she was pushing make more of it so the OW called me and told me.

After talking to my husband after that call I found it there was
a 4 ( almost 5 ) y.o. OC.

I could write a book about the rest ( as I am sure you all can. :-} ), but I will keep it short and to the point.

We moved many , many miles away and had no contact.


I wanted to post because I wanted to tell you, although it was not easy, we are better than ever, and having no contact was by far the best option for us, and I doubt we would be together if we had done otherwise.

We did not pay cs, as the OW did not want a DNA and we did not want to push for one.

To be honest, I know I made her feel if we did one, and it was my
husband's child, that I might consider going for partial or full custody.

I would never have done anything of the kind, but when she called me a second time, and kept calling my husband at work ( before we moved and in the first week or so after D day ) I realized what she did not want, and I used it.

Once we moved a few months later it was much easier to heal,
and I also think no cs payments helped because I am sure I would have felt resentment.

In any case, for us, no contact was the way to go and the only way it would have worked for me.

Having to deal with an OW even a little bit, would never ever work for me.

As it turned out, when OC was 18 she found us and called, and a DNA was done and was positive.

We started to have some phone communication, but we than ended it because of the OW.

That made me realize that I really had chosen the right
path, and any guilt I had was released.





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Betterforme, WELCOME!!!!! Why don't you click notify on your post and have the mods move your post to it's own separate thread. Your story is just what I need to hear and would like to communicate more.

Again, WELCOME!


Me: BS age 35
POS-eX-the SORRIEST, CRUELEST, LOWLY WAYWARD SCUMBAG out there
Married 14.5 years, together almost 16
DDay: 7-5-09
OC born: 7-23-09
no COM: tried 6 years frown
D filed 5/05/2011
D final 11/10/11
I was gaslighted for 2 years.

"You were not built for a safe story. Take risks and feel what it is like to actually be brave. It's worth it." Carlos Whittaker
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Writer 1 - I do not think that you are criticizing me for wanting NC. This is ultimately a decision my H had to make. I told him to tell the truth and we have also gone to individual counseling and dicussed the very same issue. I know I had to accept whatever decision my H made. At that point it would be up to me to determine if I could handle it and whether our marriage could go on. I know that I cannot handle CONTACT; therefore, I would have to move on with my life. It does not mean that I do not love my H, but I know our marriage could not and would not survive because I do NOT TRUST my H and it would be a constant chase and worry on my part and I'm really tired of that at this point in my life. I want PEACE.

My H and I had a conversation last night and he told me that the few people that know may judge him for having NC, but he felt it was the BEST option for his life and his FAMILY. He said he had no emotional attachment to OW. He would not even call what happened an affair because he believes an affair is when you have a long-term emotional relationship with an individual. He considers this to be a one night stand gone bad. At the end of the day we have to be happy and this is what is best for us. My H has no problem with OC contacting him when she turns 18 if she wants to know who her bio-father, but at that point she may not care to know.

I appreciate your support and again thanks for your comments. I like to hear other points of view because it helps me understand the whole picture, but at the end of the day we have to do what is BEST for our MARRIAGE. I can only take one day at a time and I know that it will be hard to trust again because I was just at a point before this blew up in our face of trusting my H.It took 2 years to get to that point. I stopped checking e-mails and snooping around because he was on the straight and narrow and I could feel the love and committment that we both had to our relationship. This situation set us back a bit but I pray to GOD that I will trust again. When you can TRUST your partner you sleep better and have no worries. It is truly a great place to be....

As far as OC is concerned I also PRAY her mother pick up the pieces and move on with their lives. Hopefully she will do right by the resources provided and give her child a great life. This is not unheard of because my MOTHER did it for me. My father did not live in my home because my parents were divorced. As I said, in earlier post I have a better relationship with my STEP FATHER because he lived in the house with me. So, Writer 1 I think you are doing the right thing for your daughter. Children want to be loved by parents and it does not matter if you are bio or not. Some of the BEST parents are non-bio parents. Think of all of the adoptions and surrogate parenting going on in our country. Those kids don't have relationships with their bio parents and most turn out okay and usually come from a loving family. That is what matters MOST whether it is one parent raising or two. The ideal situation is to have a two parent household but in this day and time there are all types of arrangements. Now, I'm not naive enough to think some children may want to know but in sperm donor cases most never find out and their lives go on...At the end of the DAY I pray OW accepts our decision and moves on with her life for the sake of her H and her child. At some point you have to move on and that is what we plan to do. Thanks again.

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Betterforme - Thank you for posting. I cannot believe you are still around 17 years later. You are definitely my inspiration.

As I said before I think we are doing the right thing. We live about 400 miles away from OW and OC (we are in the same state). We planned to move out of state before this was presented to us and my H always knew he wanted to look at other positions in other places, so we are going forward with our plan and nothing will stop us from doing that. As far as the $$ is concerned, I've come to accept the money and trust me it is hard. We will try to do payroll deduction so it is not a constant reminder in our mind or should I say my mind. I hope to look back 16 years(OW's 2 in a month) from now and I hope my H and I can say the same. Thanks for your words of encouragement.

Is your marriage much better after 17 years? Have you been able to regain TRUST?


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Bethesda, I am an OC as well, one who was put up for adoption at birth. I was raised by my loving parents, knowing I was adopted but not seen as "different." We were a real family. 12 years ago I contacted my bmom, then my bdad. My biological relatives are nice, interesting people. But if I had had to figure out all of them AND my mom and dad as a child, it would have confused the crud out of me. I am glad that I was able to do this when I was an adult and ready.

In other words, I think you are making the right decision for your family. I never felt lost or incomplete or like I didn't fit into my family. I know who I was, even without a DNA component.

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Luri, Thanks for sharing this.....


Me: BS age 35
POS-eX-the SORRIEST, CRUELEST, LOWLY WAYWARD SCUMBAG out there
Married 14.5 years, together almost 16
DDay: 7-5-09
OC born: 7-23-09
no COM: tried 6 years frown
D filed 5/05/2011
D final 11/10/11
I was gaslighted for 2 years.

"You were not built for a safe story. Take risks and feel what it is like to actually be brave. It's worth it." Carlos Whittaker
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Lurioosi2- Thanks for sharing your stay. My H and I know that we are making the right decision and we know people with judge us but we are comfortable with our decision and want to move on with our lives. My H is starting to heal and has learned not to think about the situation until I bring it up to him. I can't seem to get it out of my mind. I think about it everyday. I hope that this will go aways soon. I try to focus my time on my health, pregnancy and the future but it is so hard to let it go. Sometimes I wish I can fast forward 2-3 years. Thanks again for your comments and I am very happy that you had a good life. I do agree DNA is just what it is DNA.

Many children are born into families that have no connection to their parents but live wonderful lives. It is possible for OC and it is up to her mother to make that happen and move on with life. If her mom chooses to do something else with the resources that she will receive every month then that is something she will have to explain to her child.

Thanks again and best wishes to you.

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Hi Friends - This is a follow up to my story. I rec'vd the ultimate BLOW today. For those of you who have been following my story, I previously reported I work from home but my main office is in the town where we lived when the A happened. My family also lives there. We were visiting for one week and I decided to work in the office. My H was supposed to be studying for his exam but was with OW and OC (This was before he spilled the beans to me). I also previously reported that OW told her ATTY that she and my H were intimate during that time. My H told me he was not and did not have SEX with her AT ALL. We have been in counseling and he admitted to the counselor as well. Well....today we rec'vd a letter from his attorney saying that OW is pregnant again and knows that my H is the father. He had a breakdown. He had to admit that he did have SEX with her again and did not use a condom. He then came home that night and had sex with me and I am pregnant. This is a SICK picture. I am definitely DONE! I have decided to stay in this rental until my child is born because I am under my H's insurance but after that I am moving back home with my mom and will live with her until I can get on my feet and find a place to raise my son or daughter.

I can say in my heart that I tried to make this work. My H is a liar and definitely has a sexual addiction problem.

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(((Bethesda)))

Oh Hon! I am so very sorry for your pain!! Please keep coming here to heal yourself, we will be here to help you. Now you need to go get your own lawyer. Go get all your ducks in a row. You need an attorney to protect you and that little one. You can heal from this over time, I know people who have. Please don't disappear from here.

Fled frown


Me BS
D Day 4-2-2005
OC born 12-2004
DS 21, DS 12
Married 1993

May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays.

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Oh wow, Bethesda. I am so so sorry. What a sick liar but remember that all waywards are liars. So this is the second OC supposedly? Yeah for me personally that is a deal breaker. I know other BW's that have survived two OC's but it takes tons of work and a very repentent FWH.

Oh and please get a thorough STD work up including HIV and herpes.


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Bethesda, can you email me? I wanted to tell you something away from prying eyes.

killnme2004-mb@yahoo.com



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She told her ATTY that she is pregnant again and it is my H's child. He admitted to having sex with her and coming home the same day and having sex with me. We probably became pregnant within the same week, because I know when we were visiting my mom we had sex most of the week so I know he had to have sex with both of us in the same day. The bottom line is my H misrepresented the TRUTH again. After the counseling that we have attended since D day and all the talks he still had a secret and the secret came out again. He tells me she told him she was birth control. My H has a problem and I have to move on. This time around I seem at peace with this. I am glad that this came out now vs 4-5 months when we would have continued to work toward healing our marriage. Thank you God for revealing the TRUTH. Enough God! I hear you loud and CLEAR. I'm running the other way. Thanks for your support. I will keep you posted.

I am going to remain in town until the child is born because I am under my H's insurance and I am HIGH RISK. I do not want to change doctors. My H agreed to sleep in the other room. I think we can live and be okay. I'm a BIG GIRL. I've cried enough. Now it is time to put on my game face and prepare for my child and the new life we have ahead of us. I will move with my mother and stepfather once the baby is born. Luckily, my job is based in Miami so I will go back to the office vs working from home. I'm looking forward to the REST of my LIFE and I pray to God that it is better than the first 1/2. Thanks again for your support.

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Gosh...I'm not even sure how long it's been since I posted here last, but I do read often. But this has brought ME out of the woodwork. Reading this was like a punch in the gut so I can imagine how you felt receiving this news hon.

Bethesda, my biggest hugs to you sweetie. I've recently been following your story and am truly impressed with your strength. Please don't lose that now. You sound STRONG and I'm so proud of you for that. Yes, there will be times when that strength wanes, ESPECIALLY since your pregnant. Just reach out here and draw your strength from here right now.

I am so, so sorry this is happening. There's just no reason for it. I don't care if he DOES have an illness. There's just no excuse, reason...whatever, to inflict this sort of pain on ANYONE.



4eva

BW-47
WH-46
Married 21 yrs.
D-19
S-15
OC-14/born 9/99
NC
Dday #1 10/30/04
Dday #2 7/2/12 Skank ho #2 (40ish, childless, single & desperate; the world is becoming over-run with them...just like cheaters)
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Oh Beth. I absolutely cannot imagine the pain you are feeling. Please remind me. Do you have other COM or is your current pregnancy your first child?

I think that none of us can tell you what to do. Like FF, we know folks that have survived two OC's, but I absolutely cannot imagine it. I think I could say with confidence that this would be the deal breaker for me.

Like Fled said, please do get your ducks in a row. Please continue to post, vent, etc. We are here for you.

My heart is so heavy and sad for you.......You will be in my prayers.

(((Beth)))


Me: BS age 35
POS-eX-the SORRIEST, CRUELEST, LOWLY WAYWARD SCUMBAG out there
Married 14.5 years, together almost 16
DDay: 7-5-09
OC born: 7-23-09
no COM: tried 6 years frown
D filed 5/05/2011
D final 11/10/11
I was gaslighted for 2 years.

"You were not built for a safe story. Take risks and feel what it is like to actually be brave. It's worth it." Carlos Whittaker
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This is not my pregnancy. I had 4 miscarriages over the last 2 years. My most recent was last year @18 wks. My H told me about the OC then I found out I was pregnant. Well, now I know the OW is now pregnant again, with what she believes to be my H's child. I had to have abdominal SX to help keep the baby baking because I have an incompetent cervix. I don't know if this pregnancy will go to term, but I'm hopeful. I've been through SOOOO much pain and hurt between pregnancies and my H cheating on me that I'm tired. I'm tired of giving and trying. I have done everything I possibly can to make our marriage work. I don't know how many set backs a person can take. Keep in mind after the A we moved on worked toward repairing our marriage. Then, 2 years later we find out about OC. My H had no had contact with OW Jan 2008. Now, he does it again with the same OW. My H knows better! He is a physician. It is unreal to think that my H had sex with her and came home and had sex with me. This did it for me. He needs help and I hope he gets counseling quick or he will be in a world of trouble. He goes from having NO children and not really wanting children to having 1 for sure and 2 on the way. How about that? All of his check will go to an OW he does not know and his WIFE who was the only person who stood by him from day one.

This is a situation where I was with him in college. I filled out his MED school applications. I supported him financially in MED school, residency both emotionally and financially. We have been through many things together. His FAMILY is very shattered by this and my mother-n-law just cried on the phone with me because she cannot believe this is happening to her FAMILY. She told me he was not raised like this nor did he see this type of behavior growing up. I think my H's sexual addiction stemmed from high school and continued through his early adult life. This is a story that shows a person that has it ALL can give it all away just like that.....My H just started his career 2 years ago. He has been in school for 12 years and now ALL that he worked so hard for is out the door. I have no sympathy for him but I know it is ALL his fault. He should write a book to help others avoid the same road he traveled for NO REASON. I was a GREAT wife. It was not that he was lacking at home because I was MORE than generous. He was selfish and enjoyed the feeling of having sex with another woman. It is a sick thing but MANY MEN go through the same thing. I guess that is why you see men who do this type of thing do it a 2nd and 3rd time.

I wish him well and he will always be apart of my heart. I still love him but I will move on and hopefully he will do the same. This will shatter his grandparents whom I am very close with. I am currently helping his grandfather get Medicaid for his grandmother who is ill. The grandfather and I talk everyday. He wants me to take over their finances because it has become to much for him. This is bigger than my H. He has no idea what he has done to his FAMILY.

I hope I look back 20 years down the road and I can laugh and thank God for the life experiences.

I will say this...always listen to your inner thoughts. They are always right. I should have seen the writing on the wall when I had the FIRST miscarriage and my H started cheating on me shortly after and the 2ND miscarriage. I believe God was showing me signs....I just wanted to believe that the marriage would work out.

My next goal is to save money and seek legal counsel! My mom has agreed to let me live with her when the baby is born...Thank God for Mothers because I don't know WHAT I would do.

The SICK thing about this is that the OW is still NOT the person that I would ever think my H would entertain let alone have SEX with. IT is all so unreal!

Thanks for your support! I'll keep you posted.

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Bethesda, I can't even tell you how sorry I am that this is happening to you. Please take care of yourself and that little baby. That's what's really important right now.


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Thanks! I am. My focus right now is to continue working, remain healthly and focus on my child. Once I have the baby I will sort out the rest of this stuff. Since I am high risk being stressed out is NOT in my best interest. If OW is pregnant there is nothing that I can do about it, so why worry about it. This is my H's problem. I ask God to give me strength to continue livin in the same house with H until the baby is born and that we remain freinds. Again, this is an allegation but keep in mind she is still married as well. This is what is so SICK about this whole thing! It is CRAZY!

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Beth, I have something I would like to share with you. Can you please email me at migsamac@sbcglobal.net?



Me: BS age 35
POS-eX-the SORRIEST, CRUELEST, LOWLY WAYWARD SCUMBAG out there
Married 14.5 years, together almost 16
DDay: 7-5-09
OC born: 7-23-09
no COM: tried 6 years frown
D filed 5/05/2011
D final 11/10/11
I was gaslighted for 2 years.

"You were not built for a safe story. Take risks and feel what it is like to actually be brave. It's worth it." Carlos Whittaker
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Migsamac - Thanks! I will e-mail you in a few.

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Bethesda- I am new to this group but when I read your story, I just had to talk to you. I am still married to my husband who cheated with his Ex-wife. They already had a child together from their marriage and she became pregant from the affair. I was 5 months pregnant with our first child when he had the affair. I didnt find out about the affair until almost two years after the affair because she was requesting a paternity test to receive child support. I wish I was as strong as you. It is very hard to live this kind of life. Continue to take care of yourself and your baby and keep God in your life. I will keep you in my prayers.

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Surviving Life - Did you divorce your husband?

The sick thing about this person is that my H had not seen her for 2 years. The only reason he was visiting was because of this whole paternity issue that he just found out about. Why he would go back and have sex with her again is BEYOND ME. He says she came on to him and he could not control himself. Well, whatever. It was not like he did not have things going well at home because he was also having relations with me. It is a sick feeling but I STILL LOVE my H. I'm not sure where our relationship will go. This will be our first child and I really wanted a family for my child.....I'll keep you posted.

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Bethesda: Are you sure this was the first time your H had seen the OW in two years? Waywards lie. I don't think I would believe much of what your H is saying right now unless it can somehow be verified. I can't even tell you how many lies my H told me over the course of his 10-year EA. Sometimes, it would take years before he would finally admit that he wasn't where he said he'd been but rather with the OW.

One story that sticks out in my mind is the time when his car supposedly broke down on the freeway on his way home from work and he had to wait for a tow truck to take it to the garage and get it fixed. He finally made it home about 3 hours later than usual. We'd been in contact by phone off and on the entire time, so I didn't really even question the story. A year later, on one of our many D-days, he confessed that the car had never broken down at all. He was sitting in it in the parking lot of a mall with the OW the entire time, including when he was talking to me on the phone making up all the lies about a broken down car.

I don't want to stress you out more, but I would be very careful about blindly believing anything your H is telling you. Check and verify everything.


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Bethesda-

I didn't divorce my husband. We are still married and happy again. It took some time, some very difficult times, and a lot of work. But we have made it work. My husband and I went to a few workshops and he went to a few counciling sessions, but our biggest help was getting involved with our church. We became part of a few different groups and he finally opened up and got it out in the open and dealt with it. I don't think if he had not had to fess up in front of others that he would have held himself accountable for his actions. It wasn't until someone other than me opened his eyes to what he had done and what he had to do to fix it that he dramatically changed. It did take us almost 2 years to get back to really loving each other and we are still working on things today to make it better.

But it really does depend on whether your H realizes he has a problem. You can work and work at helping fix your marriage but if he doesnt take responsibility for his actions then you're just going to go in circles. You can't make a person want to change. He has to want to change himself. If he is still seeing her behind your back then he still hasn't acknowledged the fact that he has a problem. Regargless of the reason why he was meeting with her in the first place, he should never be meeting with her alone due to the circumstances. That OW is up to no good.

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Writer 1 -

Yes, I know that he has not seen her in 2 years because she had to call to find his # through his DAD's office in order to contact him about the #1 OC. She could not locate his #. Remember, we moved 400 miles away JUNE 2008. She had all the time in the world to contact my H about the pregnancy, but she waited for 2 years before contacting him. I believe him. The first time the individuals # comes up on my phone bill was 2/7/2010 when he finally returned her call because his dad said this lady keeps calling my office asking for you to contact her and that it is really important.

My H says he originally went to the H because she wanted him to see the child. He should not have been there. During this time I was not aware of this situation.He did not tell me until after we returned from SOUTH FLORIDA. This WOULD NOT have happened if I was aware. He regrets not telling me upfront. My H has no common sense.

He just said to me that the ODD thing about all of this was that he would NEVER consider this to be an AFFAIR. He does not know the person. They did not have some lengthy relationship. My H says she came on to him and he lost control ( no excuse ) but this is what he says. Where her alleged H was in all of this - I do not know....

You should see him now, he is SO DEPRESSED.

Thanks for your thoughts. My guard is not down..

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Surviving Life - Your H's story sounds like my H because he told me the same thing. My H also had it well at home and there was not excuse. My H MUST learn self control because this will bite him again right in the BUTT and I will tell you I MAY NOT BE AROUND! I can ONLY take so much. The other thing that bites me is WHY an OW would not protect herself. She is not SORRY for what she has done. Now, she is walking around the H where my H worked prior to this and showing a picture of my H and OC, which she asked him to take. Yet again, he fell into the TRAP. He has not told anyone about this. He is a professional and should have known better but what NERVE for her to walk around with a picture and show it off when she is married. I don't get her marriage - it all seems very crazy. Like I said before, I think she married her H for him to get his green card and she is a BIG FRAUD all the WAY AROUND!

Her day will COME! I don't know how one person can be a BIG LIAR and at the same time talk about how she is a CHILD OF GOD. I have the TEXT message she sent me apologizing about this and asking for my forgiveness if she hurt me with her words, but what she left out was that she had SEX with my H again. Sometimes, I wonder....I don't make this stuff up! We could do a movie and hopefully it would have a happy ending with us MOVING on with our LIVES and STAYING clear of OW and OC's because the situation is TOXIC! Who is the NEXT victim for this person?

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The OW didn't protect herself because she was intentionally trying to get pregnant, again. She likely sees your H as a free meal ticket. He's a doctor with a good income and the amount of CS she'll get for two kids will probably be enough for her to live off comfortably for the next 18 years. She won't have to work or worry about anything. That's my theory at least.

I'm sure your H is very depressed. He's probably just now starting to realize what a horrible, lifelong mess he's gotten himself into. The moment of realization is very difficult. I've been there. He will probably spend a lot of time beating himself up for his stupidity. I know I did.


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Bethesda- It sounds to me like that OW is a big touble maker like in my situation. My H Ex never even appologized to me. In fact she threatened to do it again. There are some evil people in the world who don't care about anyone but themself and probably never will. Sounds like she likes to be in control. She is using this situation to conrol your H, you, and even her own spouse.

If you and your husband do want to stay together and work it out, you have to work together to guard your marriage. You have to be in this together and you have to decide to stand strong against this OW. He can't be going to see her about OC without you. If he is wanting to see this OC you have to do it together and this is where you decide if that is what you want. It is hard. I can tell you from my own experience but it is able to be done and it does get easier. The stronger you are together, the less opportunity the OW has to destroy. Your H needs to know exactly how you feel about the situation and together you need to come up with a plan for these situations. Remember, you are not being controlling of him to set boundaries. Boundaries help protect your marriage. You need to decide together how you will move forward in this situation.

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SurvivingLife

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Beth, it is possible OW's H is sterile. She wanted kids and her H wanted a meal ticket.


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Faithful Follower -

We are dealing with a SLICK OW. Her H is from another country and it appears that he was living off and on here. He was in the process of getting his green card from my H's understanding. She told my H she was getting a divorce but turned around and said shew as going to work it out with her H. Like I said, there is something about this person that is NOT RIGHT! We have not figured it out and I think her marriage is suspicious and she is also the same. Her H signed an affidavit contesting paternity. I believe she told him if he did not sign she would not follow through with the CARD. This is ALL crazy to me. This person someone who works in environmental services at the HSP and is looking for a meal ticket. My H now sees the light! I wish I could say I was exaggerating this but I'm NOT. I've given the facts as I know them......



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Surviving Life - My H told his ATTY if this new OC is his he wants to maintain his NO CONTACT. He can't deal with OW and has no interest in the children at this time. Maybe he will change his mind later in life. Not sure. Right now, his focus is our marriage and our unborn COM. OW has caused so much pain and he just wants to move on....his ATTY told him to let him handle the situation and he will do his best to minimize the blow. We don't know what will happen with this new OC. I'm not sure how I will even handle this once we find out for sure.:(

Just when I thought we were moving forward we now have to wait until the end of the year and possibly the beginning of 2011 before the new OC issue shakes down because she would be do around the same time as me if she is pregnant. By then, I hope to have complete focus on my COM and less on her issues. This is HER problem and unfortunately my H has to pay for his actions. I just hope he NEVER lets this happen again.

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Writer 1 - Yes, In her world she would not have to worry about anything because she has NEVER made the amount of money she will receive in CS. However, she will have to face her children one day and explain this situation and I'm sure that is going to be the hardest part of all of this. My H will also have to explain one day should they come knocking at his door at the age of 18. It is all so crazy.

He was in bed today and just said it was not like this was some type of affair...It is a BAD situation. I did tell my H that he needs to seek HELP because he is unable to CONTROL his thoughts. I'm not sure if it will help. Just think if he would have allowed contact with OW/OC..she would have used this and it could be years of just SEX and more OC's. I knew our overall decision was right and this JUST proves it. OW has some REAL growing up to do and she is OLDER than the both of US. Go FIGURE!

I'm not planning to leave my H at this momment, but the SAD thing is if I were to go and ask for CS I would probably get less because I also have relatively high earnings and the JUDGE would show no mercy..... I just can't get over giving MONEY to someone that has NOT worked as HARD as we have to be where we are at our age. It BLOWS ME!

However, $$$ is just $$$. If OW wants that then she will have it but she will not STEAL our family, happiness and marriage! Life will go on......

Lastly, what really BLOWS is that OW can attempt to contact my H on his job but could not call him to tell him about her NEW PREGNANCY? The information was told to her ATTY who told my H's ATTY. Go figure! I'm curious to know what she is telling this alleged HUSBAND??

I'll keep you posted. As the world turns....

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I do think it's important for both you and your H to realize that this was indeed an A. Even a one-night stand is an A. It doesn't have to be a full-blown relationship in order to be considered an A. Yes, it is a bad situation, but it is also an A. An A is any type of inappropriate relationship that occurs outside the boundaries of the M. So, your H sleeping with the OW is most definitely an A, whether he had feelings for her or not. He needs to own up to that and take responsibility for the damage he has done.

Have you and your H read "Surviving an Affair"?


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Funny you asked. I read that book when I first found out about this two years ago. The counselor recommended that book. I read it from cover to cover and was trying to move on...I think I should pull it out again!

I agree...with your statement. I think my H is trying to rap his head around how he had SEX with OW. I can't explain it for him and I do not understand. I think your are probably right! It was an AFFAIR. I guess it is hard for him to rap his mind around because it was SO short....

He will have NO CHOICE but to own up it because he will see it every month coming out of his CHECK!

Thanks for your comments.

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Beth, Look into separating from your husband (on paper) and filing for CS for your unborn child. I assume you are already paying for OC #1? If you can file before OC #2 is born, the courts might take into account the amount he is "paying" for your COM and reduce the amount owed for OC #2.

Not sure what the regs are in your state????


Me: BS age 35
POS-eX-the SORRIEST, CRUELEST, LOWLY WAYWARD SCUMBAG out there
Married 14.5 years, together almost 16
DDay: 7-5-09
OC born: 7-23-09
no COM: tried 6 years frown
D filed 5/05/2011
D final 11/10/11
I was gaslighted for 2 years.

"You were not built for a safe story. Take risks and feel what it is like to actually be brave. It's worth it." Carlos Whittaker
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Migsamac - We are not paying for OC # 1. Keep in mind we just found out about OC # 1. We are in the early stages of that case. OW just filed documents through the court. Now, she is she claims this 2nd pregnancy is my H's as well.

My state does not recognize legal separation (FL). There is such a thing as a post nuptial agreement but we have to ask an the ATTY about that. That crossed my mind, however my COM is not in this world yet and will not be until NOV 2010. I'm not sure when she is due. If this is my H's then it would be around the same time because he had relations with both us within the same week. He has not seen her since the time we were in visting our last place a residence together.....

We have not spoken to OW so we don't know specifics on the pregnancy. My H's ATTY told him NOT TO CALL because it will create problems. We should remain NO CONTACT!!!

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O' she will have to file a paternity claim because keep in mind she is still married.

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There is definetely something fishy going on with this lady. She has an agenda no doubt. Maybe you guys should do a little investigating about her.

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Surviving Life - I agree. That will be up to my H. I do agree that something is NOT right and we cannot put our hands on it just yet. O' I forgot to tell everyone when she called my H she was in the psych ward @ a local HSP for having a breakdown. She said after her sister died and coupled with this she had a nervous breakdown and was hospitalized for weeks. Thanks for your support.

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Bethesda- I just wanted to check on you and see how you are doing. I have been praying for you. If you need anything we are all here for you.

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Hi SurvivingLife,
Thanks for checking in and keeping me in your prayers. Things are not the worst and not the best but I thank God for what it is. I am trying to press on. Things on the CS end for the #1OC are in full force. My H had to prepare his financial statements last night so hopefully H and ATTY can come to an agreement on a number and move on. My H still can't believe OW is pregnant again. He says she told him she had an IUD and he knows she had one...go figure. However, he has not spoken to OW so he cannot no for sure. I believe she is pregnant.....time will tell.

I'm trying to be normal and put on a happy face for his family, my family and the baby I'm carrying. I'm trying to enjoy my pregnancy but it is so hard. Our focus has been on this CRAP!

I'm trying to keep my head up! Working helps me take my mind off things. I'm also helping my H's grandparents get some benefits so that also helps. My H's grandparents and I are very close. His G-Father considers me his daughter. He wants me to help pay his bills (with his money) until he passes. He is 87 but still kicking. He calls me at least 2-3 times a week. It is crazy but I love him like he was my grandfather....Although I met him 12 years ago It feels like I've known him for a lifetime.

Well, I'll keep you posted. Keep checking in...Thanks! I hope all is well with you.

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Quote
He says she told him she had an IUD and he knows she had one...go figure.

FWIW...OW in my sitch supposedly had an IUD also. Go figure.....


Me: BS age 35
POS-eX-the SORRIEST, CRUELEST, LOWLY WAYWARD SCUMBAG out there
Married 14.5 years, together almost 16
DDay: 7-5-09
OC born: 7-23-09
no COM: tried 6 years frown
D filed 5/05/2011
D final 11/10/11
I was gaslighted for 2 years.

"You were not built for a safe story. Take risks and feel what it is like to actually be brave. It's worth it." Carlos Whittaker
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Bethesda, I don't read here much, but I am sooo sorry you are having to go through all of this. I just hate that your WH has done this AGAIN.

But I do say congratulations on your pregnancy. I have a friend who has two kids, but she had four miscarriages as well. I can't imagine how hard that would be. I pray that everything with your baby goes well and that delivery is easy and that the baby sleeps through the night at 6 weeks like mine did! (sigh) I miss babies.

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lurioosi2 - Thank you for your words of encouragement. I just made it to 17 wks and 6 days. I'm almost to 18 weeks. My miscarriage happened at the beginning of the 18th week. I remain hopeful. We found out we are having a BOY.....

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Migsamac - You are exactly right! My H is more of a fool for being there and having SEX with her again. What he sees in this person - he does not not know. This person is GHETTO! My H was never around this growing up. His parents are professionals and NEVER exposed him to this..I'm not sure where his mind was..He was thinking with his little HEAD!


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Just a little update!
Last night OW called my H's phone from a different area code. It was not her voice but probably one of her friends. She asked to speak to ANTHONY and he told the person she had the WRONG #. In the next few minutes he received a voice text with a little child saying DADDY. We know it was her because the area code is in an area where she told my H she had friends. This area is about 100 miles from where we live. Now, I don't know if she was in that area or the person was in S. Florida visiting with her. We just know that it all points back to her. MY H was very upset and asked me to BLOCK the # from his phone. We have also blocked her # and any other # that she has used to called. We want to change our phone #s but I was hoping to change once all of this MESS was over and behind us...meaning when the CS is determined and my H is paying a bill each month for the next 18 years. I'm so ready to move on...what a way to spend your pregnancy......

Everything I told my H about OW's tactics are playing out. I don't have to say anything anymore. He can see for himself. This is all about OW and wanting my H and $$$. She will use the child as a ticket to get to my H or at least try to....This is what they do.

I would say move on OW because it is NOT happening! Now, keep in mind this lady is still married - go FIGURE!

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Bethesda,

Your H can also notify the paging operators not to give out his out of house C number to any one. They should be protecting that already. Make sure that his cell phone is changed and that the number cannot be found on any emergency contact lists that might be floating around the Hospital (if they are still at the same one).

Fled


Me BS
D Day 4-2-2005
OC born 12-2004
DS 21, DS 12
Married 1993

May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays.

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Luckily, My H and I live in a different city. He worked where she worked while in residency. This would have been more of a nightmare if my H did work at the same HSP. I am VERY HAPPY we live 400 miles away from where we lived before. However, I would NOT be surprised if she attempted to contact us. Next, will be letters or pictures in the MAIL - I'm just waiting......

She does not know that she is just pushing my H away. She should leave it alone and move on.... She is proving what I knew about her from DAY ONE!

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