Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 91 1 2 3 90 91
#2356347 04/17/10 03:52 AM
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
We're about 20 days past "d day." Let me preface this with our situation. We're both active duty Army officers. Due to her finishing school 1 year after me, she was one year behind in joining the Army, and the cumulative effect of that is that we haven't cohabitated in almost 2 years due to initial training. This fall was supposed to be the end of that. We are (were) going to be stationed together and actually live together again. We lived together for 2 years before being married, and dated a year before that. I'm currently in Afghanistan, until August.

I attempted to contact OM's spouse, she found out, confronted me, it all came out. Primarily an emotional affair since they're geographically separated. It was physical before they were separated. Her initial reaction was "I'm in love with him. I haven't been in love with you in a long time. I want out. There's nothing to work on and nothing to try for. I want a divorce NOW." She was extremely cold, emotionless, angry and hurtful. My initial reaction was that I loved her and she needed to stop this. We held those positions for about a week. Finally one night she broke, and agree to marriage counseling. A couple of sweet emails, then I didn't hear anything from her from a couple days. The next thing I got was a long email explaining how I had manipulated her into feeling bad, and I'm a terrible person and she's not happy and she wants out.

So another week goes by, the whole time I'm trying to stay positive and not be angry. I find the marriage builders basic concepts, and send them to her. The next time I talk to her she's telling me how much sense it all makes, how we weren't meeting each others needs, but now she sees, and she's so sorry. And we talked for about 3 days, VERY positively, with her assuring me that there would be no more contact with the OM, and she sent a "no contact" letter. We both read all of the basic concepts on here, and the Surviving Infidelity articles. She agreed to come live with me when I get back, and she was talking about our future again, how she wants a baby with my eyes, etc etc. She ordered the marriage builder book series for us as well. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, I talk to her this morning and she's again distant, almost emotionless. I asked her how she was feeling (since we've been sharing our feelings through the policy of radical honesty) and she said, "It would probably hurt you to feel." I asked her to tell me anyway, and it was, "I can't do this. I don't want to be with you. I don't want to stop talking to (the OM.) I want to talk to HIM about my feelings and I can't just stop. I'm in love with him. This isn't going to work, it's just not. I don't want it to."

I was devastated, having a panic attack. I thought we were over the hump, but then it's right back to where we started. I've arranged a sort of long distance marriage counseling with a marriage counselor here and one where she is, but when I asked her to go, she said she didn't want to, she already has an individual counselor. I told her that the marriage counselor could provide her a lot of support, and the supervision and accountability that she (just 2 days ago) admitted she needed to stay out of contact with the OM. She responded with "why the hell would I want to make myself accountable for something I don't want to do for something else that's not going to work."

I'm a very, very strong person. I've managed to remain positive through pretty much this entire ordeal. I feel like this situation would be radically different if I could be there to hold her hands and talk to her and support her. I've done my best to try to make the marriage a good place to be, but that's pretty difficult from the other side of the planet. Compared to someone that can talk to her on the same time zone, I'm sure she feels like she's giving up the man she's in love with for a marriage to someone that's not even there.

It's also worth noting that the OM is also an active duty Army officer, is 10 years older than us, and has a wife and three children. Her initial reaction was to feel extremely threatened by my attempt to contact the OM's wife, and accuse me of threatening her, and her career, etc. I promised her that I had no intention of telling her command. But the more she waffles and goes back and forth between us, and the more I read about exposure, the more I think that it may be the only way forward. She's told me that she's told her family and friends and they support her in getting a divorce. I'm not really sure what she's told them though.

It's true that exposing them might be extremely detrimental to their careers, since they're both still in training. I have easy communications with both of their commanders, and with her and my family. My family has no idea about any of this. At the same time, I'm extremely hesitant to burn her so bad, especially after promising not to.

I'm just not sure what to do next. She doesn't seem willing to let go of this OM, even though they have no future that I can see together. There's no way he's leaving his wife and kids (he's been in the Army as an NCO for some time) because he's too invested, and he'd lose so much in a divorce. But she doesn't acknowledge that. She just says I "don't understand the situation."

I've never cheated, or lied, and she's the first to say that I'm a great guy that deserves a great person. But she says that's not her.

Help?

Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,931
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,931
Hi Jeff,

It sounds like you understand exposure, you need to do this.
Affairs thrive on secrecy, as you've seen.
Contact the OM's BW.
Being in the army doesn't exclude people from the consequences of adultery.

It doesn't matter that you promised not to expose, things change.
WW promised to forsake all others, you are not doing your M any good by adhering to a promise that
enables the destruction of your M.
You say that you want to save your M, it's time to do what is necessary.
Be prepared for WW to be furious, that will fade. Ignore her rants.

You've got the added challenge of being separated right now.
I have no suggestions for you there, sorry.

Others will be along to advise.
Since it's the weekend and it will be slow, bump your thread up occasionally.
This means posting on your thread thereby moving it to the top of the list.
(it took me awhile to figure out what 'bump' meant when I first got here)

I'm sorry that you are here, many of us understand the hell that you are in.

Welcome to MB!
hug





M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA


Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
My concern is that being in the Army greatly magnifies the consequences. Not only is this sort of thing frowned upon, it's illegal.

Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,931
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,931
You know what, I don't understand the army politics.
There is a forum here specifically for Military Marriages.
I don't know what is over there but hopefully you can get some insight.

When you click on 'Hop to' for the list of forums, to the bottom right of your screen,
you will see that forum, it is 8th from the top.



M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA


Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
Essentially it would be like if your spouse could be fired from their job if their boss found out they were having an affair.

Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,931
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,931
I guess your WW should have thought about the consequences of her actions before she decided to commit adultery.

If you fear the repercussions of exposure, from your WW, you have a poor chance of saving your M.

Contact the OM's BW, your WW's family and any other significant others who have influence over WW.
The OM's BW will be your best source of ending this right now, you said that he will not leave his family due to these circumstances of the army.
Would he not drop her like a hot potato if he thought that this A might be founded out???


M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA


Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,931
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,931
I'm not familiar with all of the threads over here in SaA.

Is there anyone around that knows of a thread where the WH or WW is in the army???

Could you link or name the thread for Jeff?

I honestly don't know if these situations are treated any different or if there are ways around exposing within the system, without a loss of job.
I do know that WS's have lost their jobs over adultery.

btw, I think it's admirable that the army considers adultery, illegal.


M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA


Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
Sounds to me like your wife is not cut out to be in the Army. And it is not that the Army magnifies the consequences, it is that she is breaking the rules.

It is good that the two of you have read and understand the MB stuff because that will go a long way toward having a good marriage.

By the way, thanks for your sacrifice and service.

The only way you are going to be able to facilitate the end of the affair is by exposure. You need to let the OM's wife know the truth of her life so that she has some chance of protecting her family. The CO's need to know about the adultery also. And please tell both of your families and friends.

If you choose to try to protect her by not exposing, then the future of your marriage is in jeopardy.

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
It also hurts so much that she would do all of this while I'm on the other side of the world, and emotionally abandon me. I was totally emotionally out of control from grief initially, and literally had no one to talk to. During that time she was cold, distant, and totally unemotional.

Since then, in her "clearer" moments, she's said repeatedly how much she loves me, and wants us to have a future together. I know I can forgive, but I feel like unless she can somehow shake herself out of this fantasy, she's going to wake up in a year or so and realize she divorced someone she loved, that deeply loved her in return.

Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 336
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 336
Jeff,

It may come down to a choice. Do you want your WW to have a military career, or do you want to be married?

The status quo ain't gonna work. It's a path to marital disaster. And quite frankly, this OM needs to be hammered good for what he's doing. Like maybe a trip to the gray-bar hotel in Kansas.


BH 52
FWW 50
S26 S24
EA 3/07-1/09
PA 5/07-10/08
NC finally established after eight false starts: 1/23/09
Final Version of Events 6/09
In a solid Recovery, and lucky beyond belief.
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,931
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,931
Originally Posted by Jeff4187
It also hurts so much that she would do all of this while I'm on the other side of the world, and emotionally abandon me. I was totally emotionally out of control from grief initially, and literally had no one to talk to. During that time she was cold, distant, and totally unemotional.
Spouses committing adultery are all those things that you say. Their thinking is selfish, they are thoughtless to the hurt of their BS's.
They are in 'ME' world. What you describe is typical.
It hurts, and I'm sorry that you have had to deal with this, by yourself. Tell your family, you need support through this.

Quote
Since then, in her "clearer" moments, she's said repeatedly how much she loves me, and wants us to have a future together. I know I can forgive, but I feel like unless she can somehow shake herself out of this fantasy, she's going to wake up in a year or so and realize she divorced someone she loved, that deeply loved her in return.
WW likely had contact after these 'clearer' moments. Whether she caved and contacted OM or OM contacted her and she allowed it,
it doesn't really matter.

Contact has to stop.
NC is the first step towards recovery.
Withdrawl of her feelings for OM happens after NC has been in place.
The end of withdrawl allows the M to be restored to a better one.

Does this make sense so far??

WW will not shake this fantasy herself, she will become more entangled in it.
Exposure is the bomb that will break up the fantasy, it brings the reality of the disgusting act to light.

Right now, NC is your priority, that is step one.


Last edited by Vittoria; 04/17/10 07:34 AM. Reason: correcting and clarifying

M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA


Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
She agreed to NC, wrote the letter to him. That's when things seemed like they were on the upswing a couple days ago. Then this morning it was a total reversal, I assume because of some contact with him. She said she "can't cut him out of her life" and she doesn't want to. She can't do this. Etc etc. She said the only reason she was thinking we could work things out is because she felt guilty for what she'd done to me, and that she didn't want to stay with me out of guilt. She said she'd been crying for the 3 days that I thought were good days for us, but she feels fine now, as soon as she talks to him again and gives up on our marriage.

I simply have no way to stop the contact. I'm not there, she doesn't have me for support, love, supervision and accountability.

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 269
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 269
Jeff,
She will NOT have any "clearer" moments until the affair is over. Anything and everything she says to ou right now will only be to put you at ease so she can continue the affair.

I am sorry you are here.

Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,931
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,931
Here is a link that can guide you.

Both parts of the carrot and stick must be done to be effective.

Read, absorb, and implement.

Carrot and the Stick

You can do this, you really can!


M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA


Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,931
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,931
Originally Posted by Jeff4187
I simply have no way to stop the contact.
This is untrue.

You have exposure.


M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA


Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 895
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 895
Jeff,

Thank you for your service and I am so sorry for your pain. Please take care of yourself and try to keep your head together. You are among friends and we will help you through this.

You hold the key to NC in exposing. If you choose not to expose then you choose the end of your M. It may be the hardest thing that you have ever done and she will be furious but until you put an end to this A, your M has zero chance.

Smileygirl is a military wife currently dealing with an A and exposure and her WH being deployed. You may want to read her thread.

God's Blessings,

Say


Me, BW-57
FWH 54
4 kids and 4 grandbabies between us
In recovery since D-day, May 28,2007
FWH never onboard the MB boat but still clinging to the side.
One day at a time by God's grace.
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 336
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 336
Jeff,

You HAVE to expose. This guy isn't fit to be an Army officer. The injunction against this goes way back before the UCMJ was even a glimmer of an idea.

How about King David?

Expose. Expose NOW.


BH 52
FWW 50
S26 S24
EA 3/07-1/09
PA 5/07-10/08
NC finally established after eight false starts: 1/23/09
Final Version of Events 6/09
In a solid Recovery, and lucky beyond belief.
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 843
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 843
Expose them. They are not fit to be officers.

Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
Jeff, the minute you expose to OMW and your/her CO, you won't have to worry about OM again. Sure, your WW will be mad, but she won't leave you because she's mad, she'll leave you for OM. Once OM is out of the picture, you have no worries. I exposed to my WW's employer. Afterwards, she was FULL of venom. "I was thinking of working things out with you until you put my career at risk. Now we're getting divorced." Guess what? I'm still married. It all blew over in a couple of weeks. And I imaging your situation will be the same once OM and your WW are no longer allowed to contact each other. The anger will blow over. However, your WW's flip-flopping will continue indefinitely until you expose.

There is a reason the Army has these rules. It's not up to you to enable to wife to continue to break them. Even if you didn't want to expose, you should blow the whistle anyway.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
You need to expose. To tired to write more.

Page 1 of 91 1 2 3 90 91

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 142 guests, and 42 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Overcomer4513, caraduke, Convict20, GTNY, Avianna
71,737 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,804
Members71,737
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5