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The fact that she knew that the message to OMW was hand delivered, and other details of what I wrote to OMW suggests that the OM contacted my WW after the OMW had confronted him. So it doesn't seem that he's on a "short leash." So what does that mean? Has he convinced her to do nothing? That it's all a lie? Did she leave with the kids?

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Don't worry about what is going on with her. It would be nice if she followed the MB plan, but the important thing is that she was notified. Sometimes the cheater talks a good story and tries to worm their way out of things, but know that the OM's wife will be watching him.

And just accept that he has contacted your wife, they always do. Chances are excellent that he will dump your wife and then she will wake up. And don't worry about being second choice - you just want the affair ended and no contact, however it happens.

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Just wanted to say great job on exposure - fasten your seat belt for the turbelence.


Me:52
W: 52
Married: 32 yrs
2 Sons (29 & 23)
1 Dtr (20)
1 GDtr (2.5) precious little girl
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She will eventually have to face the music. In truth, the investigation will probably help your marriage. There will be a report written up for her file. Every CO or change of duty station will expose it. The only way for her to possibly counter the negative (which is a career killer) is to attend counseling and restore the marriage. To basically be able to say "Yeah we had our problems but we got through it and have a strong marriage now. Otherwise she will be looked at by her CO as someone that cannot be counted on when the chips are down or when things get tough. Her fitness reports will always be looked at with a jaundiced eye.

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Gerka

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I had my ex cheat on me while I was deployed and I had no clue. I don't think I could have functioned at all if I had known. Actually, I know I wouldn't have been able to.

I think what you're doing is all in line with what you should be doing.

I do offer you this thought, though: The military can create circumstances which I feel force some people to marry prematurely when the relationship would have failed otherwise. It's the nature of the beast. An assignment comes to a close and the local girl has to either be dumped, married, move with you, or settle for a long distance thing.

This keeps some people together that shouldn't be together at all. I say this as a man who married a woman due to the cirucumstances I faced and I married when I should have followed my gut when I dumped her.

You're very young. What would I do if I could go back in time?

I would have left her early, deployed my butt off, bucked up my career credentials with combat assignments and deployments, and forgotten about women until I became a Major.

You WILL get over your wife if you divorce. It's not the end of the world, especially since you don't have kids together.

But that's a bridge you'll have to decide for yourself once you end the affair. You'll never forgive yourself for not doing everything in your power to end the affair regardless of whether or not you save your marriage.

The threat of career consequences will likely kill this on the OM's end. He'll drop your WW like a hot potato with pressure from his W and COC.

I look back at all the time I wasted as an Lt and so wish I could go back in time, forget about women for 6 years or so, and simply concentrate on my flying career. I'd be well on my way to LtCol right now, would have the maturity to get into a mature relationship with a woman and not an overgrown teen, and be in a better place.

BUT, I do get to see my kids often and I have met and am going to marry a great woman.

So the long story short: There is life after divorce. You have no kids with this woman. Count your blessings if you rid yourself of her. Otherwise, time will eat at you that she "settled for you."

Best of luck.

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Hi Gerkaguards! I've been following your thread. You're doing great!

Quote
The fact that she knew that the message to OMW was hand delivered, and other details of what I wrote to OMW suggests that the OM contacted my WW after the OMW had confronted him. So it doesn't seem that he's on a "short leash." So what does that mean? Has he convinced her to do nothing? That it's all a lie? Did she leave with the kids?

There is always the "Oh chit! We've been caught!" message...followed by let's try to get our stories straight.

My guess would be that OM has convinced his wife that he might lose his job and she has decided not to help make that happen.

Doesn't mean she won't be watching him like a hawk from now on.

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My best guess, based on what you've told us, and previous experience as an investigating officer is this:

1 - No contact order to OM and W
2 - Investigation will show inappropriate behavior, but not adultery.
3 - Investigation will, at a minimum, show a violation of Article 92.

Punishment:

OM will be forced to retire, or if not, will never make another promotion. Oh, and he will at a minimum receive a General Officer Letter of Reprimand (filed in his permanent file)

Wife will receive a General Officer Letter of Reprimand. Her letter may be filed locally, which means that it will be removed when she changes duty stations... or it may be filed permanently, which will, in effect, end her career.

If the Command really want's to make an "example" of them, they may also give them a Field Grade Article 15 (on top of the GOLOR)... they can take up to one (1) months pay and 60 days restriction and 45 days extra duty... I've never seen an officer receive an Article 15 in all my 25 years in the military... but it can be done.

Now, they will be given an option of requesting a court-martial instead of the Article 15... if only they were dumb enough to do that! I also think that they could be administratively discharged "for the good of the service" and if this happened, it would most likely be "Under Other than Honorable" conditions... an OTH isn't as bad as a BCD or the worst, a Dishonorable Discharge...

What I've told you might not be 100% accurate, so if you're really interested, go talk with one of the JAG officers at your FOB/Base...

Keep your head up and don't fall for her "tricks"!!!

Semper Fi,

RIF


Me, BS

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And RIF, what if my wife is in a career field that requires a TS\SCI clearance... and she doesn't have it yet?

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And RIF, what if my wife is in a career field that requires a TS\SCI clearance... and she doesn't have it yet?


She can kiss the TS/SCI goodbye!!! It won't happen now.

Semper Fi,

RIF


Me, BS

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Rebuilding In Faith since then...

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I think it would definitely effect getting a TS. They look for these kind of character flaws. I mean if you can't keep your vows, how could you be trusted to keep a secret.

Last edited by ouchthathurt; 04/20/10 08:46 AM.
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I'm just curious about your wife. You have said that she always wanted this career. But I'm wondering if she is really cut out for it.

I'm a lifelong Navy civilian. The Navy has a policy of zero tolerance for drugs. We all know that. But over my career I've seen several good workers fired for using drugs. Everyone is always shocked and sad.

One might think that smoking a little pot could be fun. But knowing about the zero tolerance policy, MOST people wanting a career refrain from it. It is what comes with the job.

Your wife is so early in her career and already she has shown that she is not willing to obey the rules. And she is furious with her deployed betrayed husband on top of everything!

YIKES!!!!!!

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Quote
So what does that mean? Has he convinced her to do nothing? That it's all a lie? Did she leave with the kids?


Hey Gurka - Look back at some of my earlier posts to you... Remember, I told you that the OM would try and convince his W that some "crazy LT" was going to contact her...

You have the battle plan for the enemy and he's following it to the letter! Like the others said, don't worry about this. Your main goal here was to expose the A to the OM's wife... that's done. You may not see "immediate" results but I'd bet my next paycheck that OM's W is snooping up a storm now!

One other thing, try to NOT worry about things that you have no control over. You can't control what the OM's W does. I know from personal experience, that what you are most likely doing is projecting your thoughts to others - "If I were the OM's W, and I'd gotten a letter from Gurka, I'd do ___." Now, when "___" doesn't happen, you start questioning your actions and your reasons.... Don't fall for this!

Your actions are 100% right on target. Don't doubt your actions one bit! Your W is going to do everything that she can to try and make you doubt what you are doing. Stay focused and stay away from the "what if" questions that pop into your mind.

Semper Fi,

RI


Me, BS

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That's good advice RIF. I've definitely been geeking out a little bit over not hearing back from the OMW. But her reaction doesn't determine whether my reaction was right or wrong. After all, her reaction might be delayed by 3 weeks as well.

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She is the one that proved out your wife's "other" phone. Some "crazy" Lt. didn't just invent that phone number, right? She may want to protect her husbands job and income. If you are on the same phone account, I think that that other phone is proof enough for everything.

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Hey Gurka,

You are doing MUCH, MUCH better than I did when I found out abou Mrs. RIF's "first" affair!!!

Nothing wrong with "geeking out"... just don't do it to your W... to her, you're Mr. Cool with a single message! "I love you and I will do everything within my power to save OUR marriage." You are a broken record to all of her communications (chat/e-mail/phone/carrier pigeon/etc)

As you're finding out, this isn't easy stuff, but whether you think so or not, you're doing a super job!

Semper Fi,

RIF


Me, BS

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Originally Posted by RIF
As you're finding out, this isn't easy stuff, but whether you think so or not, you're doing a super job!

Semper Fi,

DITTO

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She may want to protect her husbands job and income.


EXCELLENT point Ouch!!!

It's sad that in this situation, that the OM's wife is REALLY going to get the short end of the stick because of her H's selfish decisions... At least she now knows what kind of "man" her H is... MrRollieEyes

Semper Fi,

RIF


Me, BS

Her, Forgiven

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Originally Posted by RIF
Quote
She may want to protect her husbands job and income.


EXCELLENT point Ouch!!!

It's sad that in this situation, that the OM's wife is REALLY going to get the short end of the stick because of her H's selfish decisions... At least she now knows what kind of "man" her H is... MrRollieEyes

Semper Fi,

RIF

I don't know, the more I think about it, the less sense it makes. Military stay at home wives are very well taken care of in the event of divorce. They get a huge chunk of their husband's paycheck, child support, a piece of his retirement, etc. But I suppose there's also the "what would mom and dad think" factor.

When you guys talk about exposing to the OM's parents, how the heck do you find out who they are?

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She may want to protect her husbands job and income.


She may be having her own affair.
When H and I met with OW's H for the purpose of exposing the affair, and so that my H could apologize man to man, we found out that OW's H already knew about it.

NOT the response I expected.
We both think he was using her adultery(s) to justify his own.

But, ain't my business.






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Quote
I don't know, the more I think about it, the less sense it makes. Military stay at home wives are very well taken care of in the event of divorce. They get a huge chunk of their husband's paycheck, child support, a piece of his retirement, etc. But I suppose there's also the "what would mom and dad think" factor.

Then don't think of it. Can she get a huge chunk of his retirement if he got dishonorably discharged and lost it? She has her children's financial welfare and house payments to worry about. Saving your marriage is not her top priority.

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When you guys talk about exposing to the OM's parents, how the heck do you find out who they are?

Oh, you spying novice. smirk I found my OM's parents at intellius.com. I knew he was from NH, so when I did an intellius FREE search on him, a couple of names of relatives popped up. Then I took those names and did a white pages search in NH for the relative. Sure enough, I got a hold of his dad on the first try, and I paid nothing. $50-100 at intellius.com will get you whatever you need to know about the guy, relatives names and numbers, old addresses, etc.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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