Fred, seems like it's personality dependent. My ex and I still attend the same church. After our divorce, he was (and correctly so, in my opinion) removed from his ministerial position for a time of probation.

During our separation period, seeing him would make me sick to my stomach and very, very angry. And even though I�m the one who left, and even though I KNOW it�s for the best, I still grieved the death of this marriage. My counselor said it would say something very negative about me if I DIDN�T have this time of mourning/grief/disbelief.

Since I really needed the help of my church family to help me be a single mom, I made up my mind I was just going to have to get used to seeing him and eventually had no trouble seeing him almost every day. Even though he hurt me greatly, I felt bad for him more than anything. And occasionally sad, not about HIM, but rather the amount of life I wasted with him.

But last month he was reinstated in the church, and after listening to him preach about �not wanting to miss out on anything God has for him� I got so disgusted that I started trying out different churches (Didn�t God have us, his family, for him? Why was he willing to miss out on THAT??).

I don�t suppose you�d be a �nice person� if you didn�t still have time of �mourning and disbelief� that you�re experiencing. And one day, like with XW1, you�ll be able to look at �The Leopard� without twinge.

Thank you, Daisy, for the uplifting words. I don't know if your separation and divorce were due to him having an affair, but it amazes me that The Leopard can essentially "return to the scene of the crime" so to speak, and attend meetings where everyone there knows what she's done and doing. Since you mention your ex-husband was put on probation, I assume he was at fault to some degree.

I guess forgiveness is the key to everything: If the church can forgive one of its own for their sins, I shouldn't be disgusted at how accepting others can be of The Leopard's disreputable behavior.

Perhaps your ex-husband has redeemed himself. The Leopard has not.

I have been thinking today about the time when I will find myself in the same room with The Leopard and choosing not to leave. That's still a ways down the road, I'm afraid...

Well, the church has forgiven him and I hold no hard feelings, but I still can't listen when it's his turn to preach. ;-)

Hopefully you'll never have to find out if you'll ever be enough over her not to leave when she enters the room. But that time will come one day. Eventually.

I lost my job today.

That's twice in 15 months that I've been given my walking papers. Three times, if you count The Leopard exiting the marriage.

It wasn't totally unexpected. After D-Day I couldn't really get my head around the job and it wasn't really one that I enjoyed, anyway.

Still, I'm remarkably calm about this. When I was laid off in January of 2009, I was concerned about keeping my marital home together -- providing food, shelter, health care, etc. Now, not only do I only have myself to fend for, but I can also look for jobs anywhere in the country (with the caveat that I have to find a way to sell my house if I move).

It's only 2-1/2 hours since I was let go and already I've had one response to my first "feelers" I've sent out. I'm thankful that I have a lot of experience in a field where there is work to be had, so I'm confident that I'll be getting a paycheck long before my savings run out.

And for those who have a "second sense" about such things, I once again have no desire or thought of drinking. In fact, I ran 6.5 miles today, got laid off, sent out some email, filled up my tank of gas and mowed the lawn. Now I'm going to shower up and get to a meeting.

Love to everyone.

One CAN get through the "knocks" on life.

One door closes and another opens, Fred.

Hey Fred. I quit drinking on Nov 22. I drank pretty regular since I was in my teens, some periods more than others. Last fall I started using alcohol in a way I wasn't accustom to: as pain relief. After driving with my kids in the car (you know the proverbial "it's only a few blocks") I decided that was enough; I want to see what life is like as a non-drinker.

It has been possibly the most important change I've ever made in my life. You really hit home with me in your other post when you said "I value my sobriety now more than ever." That's absolutely the way I feel. In so many ways, I've been relieved of a huge burden.

Just thought I'd share that.


I guess the jeep should be in front of the house pretty soon.....

opt

PS - how's your cooking class going??

Hey, opt. We're "brothers in arms," I guess. In more ways than one!

My attorney sent The Leopard an email and a letter today outlining my requirements for her to keep the Jeep. Because today is the deadline according to our agreement, I have granted her five additional days to decide.

And to satisfy my requirements she must come up with a lump-sum payoff by next Monday. Otherwise, the Jeep comes back. Personally, I'd rather have the cash and the settled debt rather than the Jeep, but I'll take either. What I will NOT take is being "married" to her for the next 18 months or so through monthly payments. And I am within my legal right per our agreement to post those requirements.

The cooking classes are great! I haven't taken one in the past week or so, but that's because I've either been traveling or the course is one I've already taken (or one I'm not interested in taking).

(Incidentally, I got a phone call about an hour ago, and it may be that I'll have a job offer by the morning. I don't want to get my expectations up, but it's a nice feeling and confirms my belief that I won't have to sign up for COBRA coverage...)

Stay with it, opt. One day at a time. Nothing -- absolutely nothing -- takes priority over my sobriety.

In preparing for my court date next Tuesday, I sent an email to my lawyer asking what I needed to do.

The response was not at all what I expected.

The court date isn't next Tuesday. That's only the first date when a complaint for divorce can first be filed.

My attorney said it could be "a few months" before we could be on the court's docket.

Obviously, I misunderstood how "no fault" divorce works.

WW has to get a copy of the Complaint, can respond to it, choose to waive it, or not respond at all. If she does not respond, she has to be served. It goes on and on...

The letter from my attorney reads like a programming flowchart -- it has more nested "if" statements than a human can follow without a visual aid!

So, this is not going to be "over" next Tuesday as I'd thought.

Now I wish I had a gun. I'd go to the range and pulverize a few targets!

(I think I need to do some 6th and 7th Step work on my "lack of patience" defect).

This is what I hear from my sponsor more than anything else.

Dammit.

Fred, depending, you should expect this to be about 6-12 months or more. I'm not sure how VA works. Every state is a little different. I didn't even have to go to court. Paperwork got filed, eventually it hit a master of the court or judge and it got signed off on. But my divorce took a long time. I'm always amazed at the people who get divorced in 6 months from filing.

FWIW, unless you have no children from the marriage, the divorce is never really final. There will be issues where you have to negotiate with your ex, sometimes you may need to get lawyers involved. Marriage is one of those partnerships that cannot be fully disolved while there are children.

I'm in Limbo, Pep.

I'm neither in a marriage nor out of it.

No children, GG.

Obviously, I misunderstood the process in VA. The six months is a required "cooling off" period before the DIVORCE COMPLAINT can be filed.

Now starts the bureaucratic paperwork, the responses, the filings, etc.

So I get to continue keeping my life on "hold" while WW gets to live out her fantasy with OM.

And not that I'm really interested, but no woman wants to date a man who's "almost divorced." Unless that woman is like my brain-and-emotionally disordered soon-to-be ex-wife.

No, thanks. I need another woman like that LESS than I need a lead pellet delivered to my forehead at subsonic velocity.

Wayzilla filed around the 20th of February 2007 and it was final on June 13th 2007. Under 4 months. Colorado loves divorce.




It's not on total hold Fred. There are lots of things for *you* to do during the wait. Hang in there.

I've been doing things, Chris.

It'll just be more of the same.

It's the FEELING of being in Limbo that sucks.

Just received a form of "confirmation" in todays' mail:

WW owes Uncle Sam just under $30K in taxes.

And that's AFTER I spent nearly $4K in getting the amount reduced.

I guess with her owing me just under $5K, I can't get moved to the front of the line.

The IRS is only the first in line. That line seems to stretch quite a ways...

"Wayzilla". My favorite moniker.