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There is really nothing more besides contacting the OM's parents that you can do now. The chickens will be coming home to roost for her soon. It will dawn on her soon that this whole thing with a married man 10 yrs her senior and fellow officer was doomed from the start. It'll all come crashing down on her.

These are the times when I try to say a prayer and ask God to take control and do whatever is his will. Stick with Plan A, and try to relax and breathe. You can't force her to see the light. It will have to happen on its own over time with you being the constant safe place to land.

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It just seems unlikely for things to go back in the other direction from here...


Remember that she is in a totally different world than the rest of us right now... she is NOT thinking rationally, only about how the whole world (starting with You, Gurka) have ended her perfect little A...

Filing for D, changing bank accounts, blah blah blah... it's all pretty common stuff from what I've seen here. Again, like SWW said you're doing great and you are right where you need to be.

Stay consistent with your mssg if/when she contacts you and don't fall for her baiting you into a fight.

At some point after she's had NC with the OM, she will start to realize what a fool she's been. It might take some time, but most WS realize this once the "high" of the A is over. She may or she may not try to re-engage with you in rebuilding the M... but either way, YOU will know that you did everything possible to fight for your M, and you can hold your head high no matter what the outcome is.

Relax and don't worry about that phase... you're still in the "end the affair" phase...

Semper Fi,

RIF


Me, BS

Her, Forgiven

Married Dec 86

Multiple A's that ended '90

Rebuilding In Faith since then...

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Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
So filing for divorce and taking steps separate all of our finances is a typical response in this kind of situation?
Are you sure she has actually filed?
Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
It just seems unlikely for things to go back in the other direction from here...

I thought the same but both of me and my FWW are posting here now instead of divorce.


Me (FWH) 44
Mrs_Recon6mo (FWW) 42
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She said that she filed and that she mailed the papers on Monday.

I got an email back from the OMW. She thanked me again for making her aware of the situation, said that she has a very strong support network of friends and family, and that further correspondence with me is not necessary.

I'm guessing that means she's probably not following up with his chain of command. Or at least not yet.

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She is probably still in shock, or he has a long history of affairs and she has learned to put up with it. The important thing is that you have exposed. You did your part. My bet is that the OM ends the affair. It has become a liability to him.

Your poor wife is in for a big shock.

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Just calm down right now. Even if she did file, there are plenty of spouses here that have had the divorce dismissed. There was a poster here named Jayban that had his WW file as soon as he found out, but then she never followed up with it. He went to plan B and eventually his divorce case got dismissed in Texas. He moved to California and was thinking of eventually refiling there, but I haven't spoke to him in a while. The point is, that filing does not mean the end of your relationship. Likely the reason she is acting out is to "punish" you for exposure and to prevent you from further exposure. However, you already exposed to her command which is what she was afraid of.

The biggest factor on whether or not your marriage can be saved is what kind of person your WW is. Is she the hopeless romantic type that is going to bounce around from relationship to relationship and get married and divorced several times? Was this just an honest mistake of her being naive and letting a friendship get too close or is she a narcissist that only cares about herself. Only you know the answers to these questions. However, you won't find out for sure until she no longer has contact w/ OM and gets through withdrawal. Then you'll see your wife peek through. If she is still nasty and doesn't want to reconcile, she's just an awful person and you are better off without her. Move on with your life and choose more wisely next time. If she calms down and starts acting like your wife again, then you will have your opportunity to reconcile.

What was your relationship like before the affair? What were the circumstances of the affair. When did it start, how long were they physical, how long ago did he move, etc. The longer the affair, the more difficult it will be to withdraw from.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
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What I don't understand is how she thought this would go from the outset. A man 10 years older, married with kids, also in the Army, while she's married to an Army officer. Even when I confronted her initially and asked her how she thought it could work out for the two of them, she said, "I don't know, it's hard to tell the future..." in kind of a hazy voice. It's like she hasn't been able to see past the end of her nose for 6 months.

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"I don't know, it's hard to tell the future..." in kind of a hazy voice. It's like she hasn't been able to see past the end of her nose for 6 months.


Addicts have no plans. Other than getting their next fix.

I don't believe she filed for D...she is in full panic mode and can barely get through her day.

You did the right thing. And you gave your M the best shot by ending the A. Like SWW said, time to trust God to work all things out for your good.


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Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
What I don't understand is how she thought this would go from the outset.

She didn't think. She thought she could tip-toe around the lines of proper married boundaries and got herself addicted to the OM meeting her ENs. She's behaving like any other addict would, doing whatever they can to preserve the supply to their drug. Her judgement has been clouded by her addiction and she thought she could manage everything and avoid all the consequences. Typical addict behavior. It's like looking at meth-heads and seeing them with all their teeth rotted out and thinking how they allowed themselves to get to that point. Well, once you are hooked, the disease progresses and it is hard to stop.

How did you find out about the affair? Was she acting cold, you suspected something, and then checked the phone records? Then she confessed to you when confronted?


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
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Brother,

I know that I'm a voice that isn't necessarily saying things you wish to hear. I was in your shoes and didn't wish to hear it either.

There is life after divorce. This woman has cheated on you repeatedly with this guy, you haven't been married long, and you have no kids.

Separate your finances, as she is doing. This is for your own protection.

I don't understand the desire to save something with a woman who shows she doesn't have any respect for marriage and that you have no kids with.

You are looking at a life of deployment so long as you're in the service. You want to worry each time you head out or would you rather have a woman you don't worry about?

Just consider what I say. When I was in your shoes I got mad when the chaplain, of all people, told me that if my WW didn't wish to reconcile and work on things and I headed toward divorce that I should fight tooth and nail for everything.

I didn't want to hear it. I had a commander who told me that I wasn't the problem, my wife was. He told me to D her.

I didn't listen because I didn't want to.

You're young. You deserve better than this. Keep doing what you're doing as far as exposure goes. Just keep a realistic eye on things. I have very rarely seen these things end in recovery on these boards. It happens, but I've rarely seen it with wayward wives. It more often than not ends up with the WW pursuing the D and the BH coming here through the years dealing with personal recovery. The men who emerge from this gauntlet are shining examples for many of us. Chrisner comes to mind, so do a few others.

This is a terrible time for you professionally as well. Seek the support you need, but if you make it through this, focus on your career. Forget about women for a while if you end up divorced. Deploy a lot, do the job, buck up the credentials, and then think of dating again down the road. You won't regret that path.

I'm pulling for you though. It will take a miracle for her to see the error of her ways, but I'm still pulling for you.

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Originally Posted by jmwc95
Just calm down right now. Even if she did file, there are plenty of spouses here that have had the divorce dismissed. There was a poster here named Jayban that had his WW file as soon as he found out, but then she never followed up with it. He went to plan B and eventually his divorce case got dismissed in Texas. He moved to California and was thinking of eventually refiling there, but I haven't spoke to him in a while. The point is, that filing does not mean the end of your relationship. Likely the reason she is acting out is to "punish" you for exposure and to prevent you from further exposure. However, you already exposed to her command which is what she was afraid of.

The biggest factor on whether or not your marriage can be saved is what kind of person your WW is. Is she the hopeless romantic type that is going to bounce around from relationship to relationship and get married and divorced several times? Was this just an honest mistake of her being naive and letting a friendship get too close or is she a narcissist that only cares about herself. Only you know the answers to these questions. However, you won't find out for sure until she no longer has contact w/ OM and gets through withdrawal. Then you'll see your wife peek through. If she is still nasty and doesn't want to reconcile, she's just an awful person and you are better off without her. Move on with your life and choose more wisely next time. If she calms down and starts acting like your wife again, then you will have your opportunity to reconcile.

What was your relationship like before the affair? What were the circumstances of the affair. When did it start, how long were they physical, how long ago did he move, etc. The longer the affair, the more difficult it will be to withdraw from.

Our relationship has always been very passionate and romantic. I'm a very romantic person, and she loves romance. We fell in love listening to sappy country love songs together. I do feel that she may be very self-centered. She suffered sexual abuse as a child, and I've done a lot of reading regarding that, and the effects it has on people. Namely not being able to trust others, not trusting themselves, or trusting the wrong people. Also feeling out of control and then taking drastic steps to regain control. And hypersexuality (in her case.)

A few months before we were married, after having dated for 2 years, she got the opportunity to study abroad in Germany. She didn't even tell me that initially, she just said she was breaking up with me so she could live her own life. I was shocked, and just walked away. Our life plans up to that point had mainly revolved around going to graduate school together and staying in Dallas. I had been feeling restless in school for a while, and had sort of fancifully thought of joining the Army. But when she broke up with me, I started really looking into it, I liked what I saw, and I decided to go for it. In the next 3 weeks we saw each other a lot, being neighbors and having a dog together. We started talking, I found out about Germany, we talked about a lot of things, including my decision to join the Army. Over the next month or so we realized that going in separate directions for a few months was no reason to end the best relationship of our lives, and that we wanted to be together forever. We decided to get married, and I would be in basic training and OCS while she was in Germany. This worked out well as I was able to offer her some financial support, as well as pay to keep a luxurious apartment in Dallas with all of our things in it. When she came back from Germany that spring, she had a fabulous place to live and could just go to school without working due to my support. We communicated in letters, emails and phone calls as often as we could.

As she neared graduation, we discussed the various options. She had long planned to go to grad school, but the only ones she wanted to go to were far away from where I would be. So we decided that the best way for us to be together and stay together would be for her to join the Army (oh how little we knew.) So off she went to basic training while I was in Field Artillery school at Fort Sill. She wrote me often and I wrote back as often as I could (our class average was 72%, it was a tough course.) I saw her briefly between her basic training and OCS in Houston when her sister was very ill. I took her mother apartment shopping (just the two of us) and helped out as much as I could. My wife and got along well and really enjoyed each others company.

Then she went to OCS. We still talked for usually an hour a night, but she had her friends that she wanted to hang out with, so she was pretty busy. I was at Fort Polk and knew no one, so I was pretty lonely. I trained for a marathon with our dog every day, usually running 8 miles a day, and 16 miles on the weekends. I cooked meals for the dog and myself. My job was essentially nothing, and totally unfulfilling. When she found out her branch, and her school date, it was nearly 9 months out. We assumed that it wouldn't be a problem to have her come stay with me at Fort Polk while she waited for her school date, as there were commanders willing to take her on, and good, field relevant work for her to do, and I knew other people that had done the same. When her branch manager told me NO, NO WAY NO HOW I was devastated. I was in tears in public, in front of people I worked with. I rallied my strength and started to fight, getting my BN commander, and BDE commander involved. But the fight fizzled as the branch manager refused to budge. As a last resort, I wrote my senator back in Texas.

She finished OCS very near the top of her class and got her job of choice. I went to the formal, and the graduation, meeting all of her friends (including OM, who shook my hand, and OMW) and hanging out with them for a week. In retrospect she seemed a little different, less talkative, but I didn't really realize it then.

Then she came to Fort Polk with me for 2 weeks for recruiting duty. It was essentially 2 weeks off for her. We drove from Fort Benning to Fort Polk in 2 days, the last night pushing her to the limits of her endurance, and her breaking down in tears on the side of the highway screaming at me that she couldn't take any more. I felt terrible. I just assumed she wouldn't have a problem driving if I wasn't having a problem.

The next 2 weeks were tense. I assumed it was the friction of not having lived together in a while. I would try to talk, and get shut down. We spent some time together, but I was still going to work so she was on her own for most of the daytime. At night we struggled to watch the same things on TV, and when she would put on something I didn't want to watch, I would get up and go to the other room. There was a pretty big disconnect between us, and she seemed very quick to get very angry over little things. I was really, really depressed when she left to drive to Fort Huachuca.

A few weeks later I got the first BIG phone bill that made me do a double take with the amount of phone calls she was making to someone with a Fort Polk phone number. I remember her saying her friend was from Fort Polk, so I knew it was him. I immediately asked her she was talking to him so much when she could be talking to me and texting me. She said that he was just a friend from OCS that helped her out a lot and that they were still keeping in touch. She said she couldn't believe I snooped through the phone bill to see who I was talking to. Didn't I want her to have friends? I felt ashamed and stupid. I've never been a jealous, controlling type of person, so I dismissed all of those thoughts immediately, and didn't even consider it again.

Soon enough we were together at Christmas. I had PRK eye surgery in San Antonio and she drove in from Arizona to spend the time with me while I recovered, and drove me back to Dallas to be with my family. We had a great time at Christmas, the pictures turned out great of us around the house, we all had fun even though my eyes hurt, and it was wonderful. The day we were leaving my parents house to go down to Houston to see her family for New Years, something happened. She left her phone on the kitchen table and a text message flashed across the screen, from OM: "You make me feel like a love crazed teenager."

I didn't say anything until one night at our hotel room in Houston a couple days later. I asked again about the nature of their relationship and told her that I was not comfortable with it. She said they were just friends, nothing more. I asked if maybe just he felt they were more than friends, or wanted to be. She said no. I was in tears at this point, frustrated at having her lie to my face. I told her I didn't believe her. She attacked back hard, asking how I could not trust her, "that's just great, my husband doesn't even trust me!" She then said that if their friendship bothered me so much, she would end it. I felt like that was the answer I wanted. I realize now that if I would have just told her that I saw the text message, we might not be in the situation we're in right now. But I felt guilty somehow for seeing it on her phone. I felt like it must have been a misunderstanding and I didn't want to destroy her faith in me any more. At this point she was very angry, and begin saying that she didn't think that I found her attractive, that we didn't talk enough, that we didn't do things together. I was emotionally and physically exhausted. We both went to sleep.

The next day at her parents house, her phone rang in the other room, and her mother yelled, "It's OM!" She looked at me with terror in her eyes and said, "I'm sorry, I told him not to call, I'm so sorry." I didn't understand why she seemed so apologetic, I was like, "It's ok, it's not a big deal."

The rest of the time together seemed fine. She drove me back to Fort Polk (I was still pretty much blind) and we hardly talked at all. It seemed like every time I tried to talk she would just quickly kill the conversation. In retrospect I wish I had tried harder to get her to open up, because it was 3 hours of uninterrupted "us" time.

She dropped me off, we had sex before she left (our sex life has always been pretty healthy, aside from her issues with feeling that I'm not attracted to her.) I was again severely depressed to have her drive away, back to Arizona, not even knowing when I'd see her again.

We talked online, with the webcam, and over the phone for at least an hour a night for the next month. I planned to come see her in February. Things seemed good, we were talking a lot, being very loving and I felt good about everything, I was so excited to go and see her. And then, come the end of March, I'm told, with about 4 days notice, that I'll be deploying to Afghanistan. My parents drive out from Dallas to get the dog, I'm scrambling to get immunizations and gear issued to me and everything packed. Also my car starts having problems. I tell my wife as soon as I know, and as her to see if her commander will give her a 4 day pass to see her husband before he deploys. Her commander comes back and says only a 2 day pass, a regular weekend. We started looking for flights, but due to the isolation of Fort Polk and Fort Huachuca, the only way we could make it happen would be for her to fly all day saturday and arrive Sunday morning, and then fly out about 6 hours later. The cost was $1200. I told her I didn't think it was a good idea, with everything else going on, and that it was only 6 months. She said, "Ok" and hung up. I didn't hear from her again for 24 hours. When I did talk to her she was bawling. "I can't believe my husband didn't want to see me before he went off to war!" "Do you know what it's like, to go into the office and tell people that I'm not going to take the pass, because my husband doesn't want to see me?" I tried to reason with her and tell her that's not how I felt at all, that I desperately wanted to see her but it just didn't seem possible. She said, "even if we could have just seen each other at the airport, it would have been worth it to me!" I responded, "If you felt that way then why didn't you say so?" She said, "How could I argue with a husband who doesn't want to see his wife before he goes off to war?" I tried to apologize, explain, everything, but I really feel like she never got over this.

Also, I received a phone call from my senator the day before I left for Afghanistan. She was shocked at the travesty of separating us for no reason, and just needed us to sign a release of privacy statement so she could start working towards moving my wife to Fort Polk immediately. I explained to her that I appreciated her concern, but I was going to Afghanistan anyway.

So off I go to Afghanistan, and we're talking a lot, about an hour a day, exchanging emails, and I think things are good. I'm sending lots of little gifts to her in the mail to let her know I'm thinking about her. Like things she saw months ago and mentioned she liked, like a Snuggie (from tv) or a pajamagram when it got cold, or flowers and a card when she had her wisdom teeth out.

Then after 2 months here I see the phone bill with her talking to him again. I hadn't looked at it after she said she wouldn't talk to him anymore. But then I looked back another month and I could see where as soon as I deployed, he started texting, and calling. At first she didn't respond, but after a few days it looks like she gave in. Then there were 4 hour phone calls, tons of text messages, picture messages etc.

I feel like she may have been sincere about cutting off the affair after Christmas, and the phone bill from January says that she did, there was no contact. But the trauma caused by me leaving without seeing her seemed to put her back into the affair. And it's like a mantra in her head now, "you didn't want to see me before you left." It's just not true, I desperately wanted to see her before I left.

So that's kind of the history of our marriage. We had a very strong foundation of talking, and being best friends, and spending time together. But we've been apart for so long now, I feel like her memories of those good times have faded, and she just sees bad things now. She's said she isn't happy and hasn't been happy in a long time. She says she thinks getting married was a mistake. She says that she's been faking climaxes for a while in bed, but that she easily climaxed with the OM.

It's such a tragic situation because I feel like if we could have spent a little more time together, even at the point where I confronted her, that this all could have been worked out so much better. Being there in person to hold her hand and look into her eyes. She did the Marriage builder stuff for 3 days, and I really thought we were going to make it. But with no one to hold her accountable and without anyone there to support her, she relapsed into the OM.

And now I feel like she's going to be so angry and so betrayed over turning her in that there's no chance of her ever forgiving me.

I still really, truly love her, and I could forgive everything she's done. I feel like we're just a few months away from actually living together for years at time, and being really happy together again, and we're being cheated out of it by the terrible circumstances.

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Also, I'm pretty sure that if she said she talked to a divorce attorney, she did. She knew all the details of what it would take to get a divorce while I'm here. She specifically said she sent the papers with the waiver I would have to sign in order to waive my right to personal jurisdiction (basically accept that I've been served.) So I'm pretty sure she's not bluffing.

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Gerk,

You haven't had a marriage. What you just described is a train wreck. It also feeds into my idea that the military lifestyle can force bad relationships to stay together when they should have withered and died long ago. The key word there is "can". There's tons of good marriages in the military. There's many bad ones as well. I personally jumped into one that is similar to yours in circumstances.

You mentioned something which resonated. Your WW suffered sexual abuse as a child. Not to over generalize, since I know several normal women who were similar victims, but this has a massive impact on a woman as she gets older if she doesn't deal with it.

She has a massive scar in her psyche. This is going to be there for a loooooong time. She will have a constant craving for attention from men. She has a low self esteem to buck up her feeligns. When you're gone, she will seek that elsewhere. My exww, with similar issues to yours, sought friendships with men and turned away from friendships with women, who she didn't trust.

There are massive trust issues with victims of this crime. I didn't understand it in the person I knew who was a victim. I also didn't know about what happened to her as a child. I saw someone who was terrified of being alone.

You are married to a very broken woman with massive psych issues. This isn't one where standard tactics from MB will work. She will stay broken and the only way she can get better is for her to seek help for herself.

I was a hopeless romantic like you when I was your age. I'm 37 now. Just salty enough to know better. True love isn't like what you describe. True love has it's romance, but it isn't artificial, forced, or in spurts. It's a slow burn that is always there and doesn't fizzle out when distance is introduced.

Your WW will seek the attention of men every time she's alone and you deploy. She hates being alone and will always crave that attention. She does it because she's broken inside and is very insecure.

I'm the lone voice in the wilderness, but the best thing for you to do is walk away, count your blessings that you have no kids to deal with this woman with, and find a woman that doesn't need to be rescued or who craves attention. It's a wonderful thing to find that.

By no means do I think that this is easy or doesn't hurt. But you will be grateful this woman is out of your life someday.

Take it from a man who knows, has been in your shoes, and who relates to MUCH in your story. Been there, done that, got the scars.

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Originally Posted by helpthelostdads
Gerk,




She has a massive scar in her psyche. This is going to be there for a loooooong time. She will have a constant craving for attention from men. She has a low self esteem to buck up her feeligns. When you're gone, she will seek that elsewhere. My exww, with similar issues to yours, sought friendships with men and turned away from friendships with women, who she didn't trust.

Your WW will seek the attention of men every time she's alone and you deploy. She hates being alone and will always crave that attention. She does it because she's broken inside and is very insecure.

Very true words above. I am no psychiatrist but I believe HTLD is probably right here. I also think there may be a possibility that there was an OM in Germany due to the strange way that seemed to go down.

You broke up, and then decided to get married all of a sudden? You supported her in a fancy apartment in Dallas so she didn't work and could go full time to school?

This seems to be a marriage of convenience for her and it seems to me like she may have been manipulating you all along. The Military can be very hard on marriages, but in my case as well, when you separate from a woman that craves the attention of men like my WW, it is a recipe for sure disaster.

I like your attitude that you are trying now, in part, so that you will always be able to honestly say that you gave it your all; I did the same thing.

Her world is going to blow up soon. She will possibly return to you with tears in her eyes asking for your forgiveness...and support. Then the next OM comes along next deployment?

Just thinking out loud. Keep on with the MB plan, but with your eyes open.

SWW

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I knew about her abuse before we were married. Sadly I never asked her too much about it because it made me so sad, and angry and hurt to hear how someone hurt this wonderful woman that I loved. I realize now that we should have talked about it (she's talked about it with OM) and she should have gone to therapy. She's going to therapy now. Her therapist is telling her do whatever makes you happy right now, and encouraging her to pursue the affair.

But my point is I made a commitment to her, knowing that she had some issues. I truly feel that she's not 100% to blame for what she's done, she was placed in these ridiculous circumstances by our army circumstances without the ability to cope with it adequately. I feel that she's out of control of her actions and she needs me now more than ever. And I'll be there for her until she makes me go away. Never quit, never surrender.

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I am far, far more committed to my marriage than I am the army. If I can save my marriage, I'm out. I don't need this. I've done my part, I've taken my lumps and suffered for my country. Every day there's nice weather here people try to blow me up. If the Army had been just slightly more accommodating in letting her come to Fort Polk with me, instead of supporting their red tape for the sole purpose of it being red tape, this wouldn't have happened.

In other words, there won't be any more deployments. If she comes to Fort Polk, she'll be in my non-deployable unit. This little 40 man deployment will be the last the brigade ever musters before it fades away into nothingness in the next 2-3 years.

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Do not blame yourself for her choice to jump back into the A. That was 100% her choice.

A's are extremely addictive! Even if she had flown out to say goodbye to you, she would have found another reason to justify her jumping back into the A.

You were absolutely right to call her out on her responsibilty to tell you that she wanted to see you, no matter what. When she finally told you how she felt and you explained how much you DID want to see her, that would have been enough to smooth over any hurt feelings she had...if she wasn't engaged in an A.

She continued to hold onto this issue b/c she needed it to justify her affair, not b/c it was an unforgiveable incident.

So please stop beating yourself up over it.

Quote
And now I feel like she's going to be so angry and so betrayed over turning her in that there's no chance of her ever forgiving me.


It's tough to stay angry forever. W/o motivation....like an ongoing affair. Once she gets through W/drawals she will begin to think clearer. By then you will be home. Don't give up hope.


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I felt like you as well about the AF. My mind was clouded by the desire to point the finger anywhere else but the real problem, which was my W.

I was blaming the wrong entity.

True, you certainly have paid the price for your country, but trust me when I tell you that being together will not solve your problems with a woman like this.

You will eventually disappoint her, as you have already through no fault of your own, and she will seek attention elsewhere. Read up on the victims of this crime. She's following the pattern. Women like her seek romance for the wrong reasons. You WILL be burned again.

If you leave the army and she recommitts, you will be burned again.

This woman is broken in the head more than your standard WW. This isn't a normal woman who stumbled into a mistake. This is a woman who will constantly seek the attention of men regardless of her marital status. She will continue to have poor boundaries.

Yes, you committed. I commend you for that. I did too. I had the same attitude. I was going to stick by my WW to the end and pay any price necessary to save my marriage and keep the family intact.

Divorcing her, as much as it hurt and I didn't want it, was one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I was married to an overgrown child. To this day she uses medical problems to get attention (not an uncommon problem in these victims either).

Do more research. Look at the long term impact of what she's suffered. It is lasting, it runs deep, and will mess her up for years to come unless she gets proper treatment or deals with it appropriately.

To any victims of abuse reading this: I understand that not all women deal with this problem in the same way. I understand that some grow up to become perfectly normal women with healthy relationships. But some women carry this crime with them for life and never get help.

Your WW is addicted to being in love. Normal love is alien to her. The high of new relationships is what she considers love. The long term commitment is boring to her. She sees this as "we lost the passion" or "I don't feel about you like I use to".

You could be Casenova, James Bond, and Superman all rolled into one and she will eventually find you inadequate.

This is harsh truth to hear. Take it as advice from a man who was exactly where you are and thinking exactly the same things.

Ridding yourself of her will eventually be a liberating thing. Kids with this woman will be a big mistake, since the eventual divorce will involve a custody fight with an equally selfish woman who believes she's entitled to sole physical and legal custody and will fight you tooth and nail.

Either that, or she'll walk away from the kids to pursue her future OM, abandoning them for her selfish interests.

Neither of those scenarios is good to deal with. Again, take it from a man who literally has the heart damage after having gone through it.

MB will not work on a woman like this. She is broken and will stay broken and won't seek you out unless she has something personal to gain from it.

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In my opinion you just described an incredibly flawed person that needs romance and attention to overcome her self-esteem issues and sexual abuse history. She seems like the exact personality type to have multiple affairs in the future to keep from feeling "empty" inside.

You also seem like a person drawn to the romance. Did you fall in love with her despite her flaws in part because she was hypersexual? I know how hard it is to break up with a girl that is hypersexual. I also know many guys that fall in love with any girl that has sex with them. Understanding the MB concepts can easily explain why if sexual fulfillment is a top EN. I also fear that like myself, you have a bit of the "white knight" syndrome, wanting to rescue a girl you feel needs you because they will love you more for saving them. However, that usually backfires because the girl usually just winds up using you until they find the next white knight to save them from their current relationship.

What I'm saying to you, is that your courtship was not ideal, and you should not have made the commitment to this person at this point in your life, even if you loved her. Hey, looking back on things, I should have never married my wife (I'm still married to her by the way). There were a ton of red flags and I ignored them and made a commitment to a person I should not have committed to. My 6.5 years have marriage have been a struggle, and my life would have been a lot easier had I chosen a more suitable partner.

Your WW was probably an low self-esteem emotional just kind of floating along in life without a ton of direction and this great guy just swooped her off her feet, and you wanting her made her feel good about herself again. Then reality sets in, you rarely see each other, and you just don't make her feel good about herself anymore. Then she starts seeking out something to make her feel better and the professional cheaters pick her up on their radar and take advantage of that neediness. Then your WW would do anything to continue to get that high that she gets from the desire of other men.

My advice to you would be if you are going to continue to try and save this relationship is this. Get NC established. Come home. After 6 months of NC and 3 months of plan A when home, if she is not willing to recommit and truly follow ALL of the MB program, then rid yourself of this woman and find a more suitable partner in the future. You do not want this happening again when you have kids. Use your experience to keep from falling for the wrong type of woman again. Forget the romance (not completely). Who would be best suited to raise your child?


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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Also, how did you ever find out it was physical? Did she admit to it at some point?


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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