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Also, "I'll never speak to you again" didn't last very long, as it turns out.


She's doing a pretty good job of following the WS script...


I believe that the investigating officer can request phone records if they used a government phone or a government computer. Not sure if it's a personal phone or PC... might want to ask JAG about this.

Semper Fi,

RIF


Me, BS

Her, Forgiven

Married Dec 86

Multiple A's that ended '90

Rebuilding In Faith since then...

Currently deployed to Iraq, but TEXAS is Home!
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There's no JAG here. I figure when I get the divorce papers in the mail I'll take a ride to Camp Phoenix and talk to the SJA about them, and some other questions I have.

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I've been thinking, how the heck is she going to explain to the Army why she's filed for divorce now, while I'm deployed overseas. What are the benefits of filing for divorce against my will now, compared with any other time, contrasted with the detraction from my focus on the mission and my combat effectiveness?

These are the kinds of things an Army officer should consider. I don't know how she can answer these questions.

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Sounds like a great plan! Until then, I would't worry too much about those divorce papers (even if she DID send them)...

Semper Fi,

RIF

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I want compensation from you people if this plan doesn't work, by the way. :P

Also, she did order the MB books during her 3 days of "clarity." I've never known her not to read a book (she has hundreds.) Hopefully if MB got through to her once, it'll get through to her again.

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Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
I want compensation from you people if this plan doesn't work, by the way. :P

Ummmm, you didn't read the disclaimer? smirk

God's Blessings,

Say


Me, BW-57
FWH 54
4 kids and 4 grandbabies between us
In recovery since D-day, May 28,2007
FWH never onboard the MB boat but still clinging to the side.
One day at a time by God's grace.
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Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
Wife has a secret cell phone that she's been using to communicate since I confronted her. I don't have access to those records. But I did inform the command's about it, and gave them the number for it. Can they obtain the records in the course of their investigation?

Also, "I'll never speak to you again" didn't last very long, as it turns out.

Do you think you could do some sleuthing and get access to those records? Who do you think is the carrier for the phone? If she's in a remote area, there usually aren't many available. You know her information. I'm sure you could set up an online account to view or reset her password with what you know. However, it will usually send a text whenever you set up something online or reset a password.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
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Originally Posted by jmwc95
Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
Wife has a secret cell phone that she's been using to communicate since I confronted her. I don't have access to those records. But I did inform the command's about it, and gave them the number for it. Can they obtain the records in the course of their investigation?

Also, "I'll never speak to you again" didn't last very long, as it turns out.

Do you think you could do some sleuthing and get access to those records? Who do you think is the carrier for the phone? If she's in a remote area, there usually aren't many available. You know her information. I'm sure you could set up an online account to view or reset her password with what you know. However, it will usually send a text whenever you set up something online or reset a password.

Yes, I know it's an AT&T phone, and she hasn't even set it up for online account access yet. If I set that up, it would send a text message to her phone. That would likely be illegal, and it seems, unethical.

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Hey Gurka!

This plan will work! No matter how this turns out, YOU will be a much better person for having walked this path...

As for the MB books and such, I would NOT bring them up at all for now. There will be a time for that, and if you bring them up now, she will most likely believe that you are trying to educate her (which is a Disrespectful Judgement).

Semper Fi,

RIF


Me, BS

Her, Forgiven

Married Dec 86

Multiple A's that ended '90

Rebuilding In Faith since then...

Currently deployed to Iraq, but TEXAS is Home!
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Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
Originally Posted by jmwc95
Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
Wife has a secret cell phone that she's been using to communicate since I confronted her. I don't have access to those records. But I did inform the command's about it, and gave them the number for it. Can they obtain the records in the course of their investigation?

Also, "I'll never speak to you again" didn't last very long, as it turns out.

Do you think you could do some sleuthing and get access to those records? Who do you think is the carrier for the phone? If she's in a remote area, there usually aren't many available. You know her information. I'm sure you could set up an online account to view or reset her password with what you know. However, it will usually send a text whenever you set up something online or reset a password.

Yes, I know it's an AT&T phone, and she hasn't even set it up for online account access yet. If I set that up, it would send a text message to her phone. That would likely be illegal, and it seems, unethical.

It may be illegal (and it may not be, since you are married), but it is certainly NOT unethical. If I were you and I got home, the first thing I would do when I was in her presence would be to find her affair phone, set up the online account to monitor, and quickly delete the text message. But that's just me. I was monitoring my WW's bank and credit card accounts and after I found the first calling card she purchased to talk to OM from a pay phone so she thought I couldn't track her, she bought another one and threw it away immediately after using it. I still found out because I was checking her purchases and noticed it. I think she gave up trying to get around me at that point. In any mission intelligence is the key.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
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Originally Posted by jmwc95
It may be illegal (and it may not be, since you are married), but it is certainly NOT unethical. If I were you and I got home, the first thing I would do when I was in her presence would be to find her affair phone, set up the online account to monitor, and quickly delete the text message. But that's just me. I was monitoring my WW's bank and credit card accounts and after I found the first calling card she purchased to talk to OM from a pay phone so she thought I couldn't track her, she bought another one and threw it away immediately after using it. I still found out because I was checking her purchases and noticed it. I think she gave up trying to get around me at that point. In any mission intelligence is the key.

You do realize that my home (at fort polk) is not her home (at fort huachuca) right? As in, if she doesn't have a dramatic change of heart in the next 3 months, I may never see her again, or may only see her in a court room\law office.

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Originally Posted by saynomore
Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
I want compensation from you people if this plan doesn't work, by the way. :P

Ummmm, you didn't read the disclaimer? smirk

God's Blessings,

Say
We're not doctors....nor do we play one on TV....


Me; W 46
Him; H 46

2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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Originally Posted by RIF
Hey Gurka!

This plan will work! No matter how this turns out, YOU will be a much better person for having walked this path...

As for the MB books and such, I would NOT bring them up at all for now. There will be a time for that, and if you bring them up now, she will most likely believe that you are trying to educate her (which is a Disrespectful Judgement).

Semper Fi,

RIF

I'm not bringing anything up for now. Like I said I'm waiting for her to say something to me. I feel like anything I would say right now would be wasted since she's probably very angry.

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This is the last email she sent me, 3 days ago. Aside from the one last night asking me why I put money in her account. You guys say this is normal WW behavior?



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I guess you are just ignoring me now. So much for you 'love' me, and not threatening me and all that.

I have filed for divorce, the papers are in the mail. You will have to sign a waiver for anything to go forward. This is happening--certainly now that you are forcing my hand, so you have two options. You can sign now, or you can be served by law enforcement once you are back in country. Either way, I will not see you again, at this point, you are scaring me. Don't come to Arizona. I am moving apartments, so you won't be able to see me anyway.

Due to the fact that we haven't lived together since the first couple months of marriage, nothing that we really have is considered shared property, not the car or anything, so there is pretty much nothing you can fight me with. And, just so you know, I can change my mind about things too--I want my dog. Go ahead and have your parents hide him, that would be very illegal at this point.

It would have been nice to work this out like civilized people, but now I guess this is war.

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She's trying to get a rise out of you. Continue your plan.

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Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
This is the last email she sent me, 3 days ago. Aside from the one last night asking me why I put money in her account. You guys say this is normal WW behavior?



Quote
I guess you are just ignoring me now. So much for you 'love' me, and not threatening me and all that.

I have filed for divorce, the papers are in the mail. You will have to sign a waiver for anything to go forward. This is happening--certainly now that you are forcing my hand, so you have two options. You can sign now, or you can be served by law enforcement once you are back in country. Either way, I will not see you again, at this point, you are scaring me. Don't come to Arizona. I am moving apartments, so you won't be able to see me anyway.

Due to the fact that we haven't lived together since the first couple months of marriage, nothing that we really have is considered shared property, not the car or anything, so there is pretty much nothing you can fight me with. And, just so you know, I can change my mind about things too--I want my dog. Go ahead and have your parents hide him, that would be very illegal at this point.

It would have been nice to work this out like civilized people, but now I guess this is war.

Yes, it is typical. Don't read anything too much into it.

Except, since she mentioned you are ignoring her, I would maybe try to reach out to her a little bit. She's a very insecure person and I think she's afraid that YOU don't want anything to do with HER anymore. Let her gently know that is not the case. Just say something like, "I'm not ignoring you, I just though you wouldn't want to talk to me. I very much would like to hear from you. How are you doing?" Then just let her completely go off on you without you responding. You don't want to completely ignore her, you just want to ignore her provocations. At this point I would slowly, subtly try and engage her and get her to talk to you. If she keeps pressing you about divorce, all you say is, "You know where I stand on that," and let it go. This is where you need to start doing the subtle dance of trying to engage her about anything other than your relationship.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
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It would have been nice to work this out like civilized people, but now I guess this is war.


I guess in her mind, 'civilized' people can mess around on each other and expect everything to OK... anything that upsets their world is 'uncivilized'...

She is right, this IS war... you are in a WAR for your M. And you are doing the right things here to give you the best chance possible to rebuild. She may not want to come back, but at least you can say that you did everything possible to try and save it... and you will come out of this with your head head held high.

Semper Fi,

RIF


Me, BS

Her, Forgiven

Married Dec 86

Multiple A's that ended '90

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You don't think it's too soon for that?

Edit: That is, too early to send an email saying: "I'm not ignoring you, and I do still care about you. I'm always here to listen. How are you doing?"

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That email is one of several that will follow where she's upset that you're not playing ball with her idealistic and unrealistic expectations of what a "civil" divorce is supposed to be like.

There's no such thing.

I encourage you to not look too much into little transactions between you two as far as things like the bank deposit stuff.

I had moments of civility with my WW and even words of reassurance that things would be ok.

Don't believe any of it.

The best ally you have is one of no expectations. Plan for the worst, hope for the best. Some might say that depositing money in the account to protect your assets is a love bank deposit to her. I'll tell you the reality. She feels she's entitled to whatever you do for her. That's what you're supposed to do. She sees things from a selfish perspective and it likely has nothing to do with her being wayward. She likely views things this way all the time. Her perspective on relationships is that you are there for her and not that it is a partnership.

A WW looking for an out will do whatever is necessary to get you to comply with her plans. The nasty approach will be switched from time to time with the nice approach and all of it will mess with your head.

Expect nothing. Supsect everything. Believe none of what you hear and half of what you see when you when dealing with her.

A lot of people are going to blow sunshine up your butt and tell you that there is hope for your marriage. In my years of posting on here, I've seen many more marriages fail than succeed. There are a few who can do it, but the vast majority that I've witnessed end up divorced.

Sorry to be Debbie Downer, but I'm just trying to be real with you. Are you doing great? Yes, from the standpoint that you're doing all the things you should do regardless of the end result. You're leaps ahead of many BHs here who are paralyzed with fear. I was one of them.

For that I applaud you.

But the bottom line is that you need to expect the worst and hope for the best.

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Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
You don't think it's too soon for that?

Edit: That is, too early to send an email saying: "I'm not ignoring you, and I do still care about you. I'm always here to listen. How are you doing?"

You know what, it is probably too soon to send the email containing the words, I'm not ignoring you. Instead, just write her something sharing about how your day went or something else. It's email, she doesn't have to read it. However, it indirectly lets her know you aren't ignoring her. Is there a funny story of something that happened today? Just something lighthearted, relationship-free, and hopefully it can somewhat meet the EN of conversation.

Back when I exposed, 90% of the time the first two weeks she was just awful and wanted nothing to do with me, but the other 10% we did talk about stupid stuff. Mostly about TV shows (like Idol or Real World or something I could normally care less about, but I knew would interest her) or gossip. Even when she was totally pissed at me, there were a few things she would talk about. I would search online for gossip and forward something juicy on to her. If she read it, great, she'd probably talk to me about it. If not, no big deal. Or she would want to complain about her job, and I'd just intently listen. This is the time when you need to use the creative part of your brain to find ways to get around the wall and meet her ENs. She's got a wall up. You need to find the weak spot in that wall.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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