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Yeah, wait a bit before replying...you need to settle down first so you can think strategically.

And yeah, I wouldn't ask her if she got the bear you sent.

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Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
Grrr, I can just feel myself getting angrier and angrier (not just about people continuing to argue with helpthelostdads in my thread.)

"after what you did to me." How can anyone be so blindly selfish? I feel myself shutting down and just going back to the "I don't deserve this, I just don't," stage.

Calm down, I told you to expect this response. She's going to be cojpletely livid for a few weeks. That doesn't mean you should completely ignore her and stop trying to meet her ENs. It means you need to recognize her for what she is, a struggling addict, and compartmentalize the pain. Just relax and take care of yourself. The truth is you just made a 1/100 of a love bank unit deposit without making any withdrawals.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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You know, I couldn't imagine what this situation is like for most people when they deal with it in person. I can't imagine what it would be like having your spouse say something like that to your face. Just boldly lying, going back on what they've already admitted to. It's maddening. Such a selfish little girl, just worried about herself and how mean the big bad world is to her. How she could paint herself as a victim here and maintain any sort of respect for herself is beyond me.

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Hey Gurka!

Wow, you're up late...

Now, to answer your question about responding... my first thought is to sit on it for a day or so and see what happens.

Based on her e-mail, the investigation has started and OM has already contacted her again to "share" his news with her. It won't be long until OM is in "self protection" mode as he fights to keep his career out of the gutter and not get tossed out with 16.5 years.

If you do decide to reply, I'd stick with the "I love you and will do everything that I can to save OUR marriage." Nothing more.

Don't try to argue with the fact that most of the people that YOU are talking with think that what SHE is doing is dispicable.

...and trying to 'educate' her of the fact that you aren't using "unfounded" charges against OM to solve your "personal" issues will just give her an excuse to argue with you.

Again, you are in a good place Gurka. You've exposed the A and it will not last. The consequences of your W and OM are about to come home to roost and they are both going to have to deal with them.

Don't worry about her comment of "What you did to me"... They brought this on themselves so any accusation of "ruining" their careers or bringing up "unfounded criminal charges" is just a smokescreen. Remember, we said that you were going to hear stuff like this. Go back and read some of the early parts of your thread...

As for the teddy bear.... how about "Hi Sweetie, just wanted to see if you got the bear that I sent you. I was thinking of you and hope that you are doing well. Love - Gurka"

I may lose my mind if she actually manages to lie her way out of any consequences.


Don't worry about the results of the investigation. Your single goal here is to END THE AFFAIR... The A is on it's last legs now and will soon be over. You might want to consider talking with your Doc and seeing if you can get some Zyban to help take the "edge" off. They have this in theater as its the same stuff that they give you to help you quit smoking... I think that the military passes out Zyban which is a generic form of Wellbutrin.

Semper Fi,

RIF



Me, BS

Her, Forgiven

Married Dec 86

Multiple A's that ended '90

Rebuilding In Faith since then...

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Gerk, picture this in your head .........

FWH has just found out that family and friends know of the A, from my exposure.

His face is beat red with anger, looks like he is about to pop his lid right off.

One fist is clenched, the other holds a glass of milk.

He starts screaming, ' YOU WILL NOT RUIN MY REPUTATION !!!! '

Then throws the glass of milk at me, his aim is a bit off but I still get some on me.

This is a grown, supposedly mature man. No history of violence.

He is taking a tantrum cuz people know about his sleezy behaviour. He's been caught.

He wouldn't be so irate if he didn't think it was sleezy too.

I'm pretty sure this a lame reaction compared to some WS's, I hope you get the drift.


M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA


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Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
Yeah, I'm waiting for some of the old timers to offer some sage advice. I just wish the "give up and leave the sloppy seconds" guy would get the [censored] out of the thread, and everyone else would quit arguing with him.

Message received.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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There is NOTHING unusual in her reponse to you.

It was expected.

You just took a crack pipe away from a crackhead.

Of course she's not thinking of anyone else but hereslf.

It's all perfectly normal and expected.


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I'm worried about the results of the investigation because if they're going to try to lie their way through, they need to burn.

The kind of absolute selfishness on display here isn't a quality that belongs in any leader. You put the people you care about first, whether those are your soldiers or your spouse.

I'm not a big fan of mind-state altering drugs, so I think I'll skip that. I may go to bed soon though, it's nearly 0030 here.

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Originally Posted by Vittoria
Gerk, picture this in your head .........

FWH has just found out that family and friends know of the A, from my exposure.

His face is beat red with anger, looks like he is about to pop his lid right off.

One fist is clenched, the other holds a glass of milk.

He starts screaming, ' YOU WILL NOT RUIN MY REPUTATION !!!! '

Then throws the glass of milk at me, his aim is a bit off but I still get some on me.

This is a grown, supposedly mature man. No history of violence.

He is taking a tantrum cuz people know about his sleezy behaviour. He's been caught.

He wouldn't be so irate if he didn't think it was sleezy too.

I'm pretty sure this a lame reaction compared to some WS's, I hope you get the drift.

Does it not bother you to think, "I would never do that." Not the affair, not the lying, not throwing things or getting angry and trying to hurt your spouse. That's what makes it all so shocking for me, is that it's all unfathomable to me. I would never do any of it, and I assumed that this person that I've known for 5 years and spent my life getting to know was pretty similar to me in that way. I'm left wondering just what kind of person she really is, because it doesn't seem like she's the same kind as me.

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Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
Grrr, I can just feel myself getting angrier and angrier (not just about people continuing to argue with helpthelostdads in my thread.)

"after what you did to me." How can anyone be so blindly selfish? I feel myself shutting down and just going back to the "I don't deserve this, I just don't," stage.

Sorry, gerka - I posted to htld before I read this smile

Your WW has one thing orbiting in her world - herself. She is incapable of seeing that you're trying to save your M.

When you respond to her email, I think I'd skip the "I'll do whatever it takes" line. Mainly because she might take it out of context and apply it to 'doing crazy things' to save your M.

Perhaps something like "I love you and I love our marriage."


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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I can't imagine what it would be like having your spouse say something like that to your face. Just boldly lying, going back on what they've already admitted to. It's maddening.


Yes it is...

Quote
How she could paint herself as a victim here and maintain any sort of respect for herself is beyond me.


I understand completely. When we started MC in Jan 01, Mrs. RIF told the MC that I was controlling and mean and that's why she slept around. think

Your wife is re-writing the history of the M in order to help justify her actions. This is all part of her battle plan and she's going to stick with it for a while. Don't waste too much thought on her comments for now... they won't make very much sense and you'll go nuts trying to rationalize them in your own mind. Her comments are coming from an addict that just found out that her drug is going to be take away from her.

Semper Fi,

RIF


Me, BS

Her, Forgiven

Married Dec 86

Multiple A's that ended '90

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"Hi Sweetie, just wanted to see if you got the bear that I sent you. I was thinking of you and hope that you are doing well. Love Gurka"

I'm not an old timer but my thought on this is .....

Seems sarcastic and would likely pee me off more. I wouldn't mention the bear since it may be in bear heaven.

See what others think.


M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA


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Tell her

"The only thing I have done, is lived my life and my marriage in the light. It is what I require from my wife and a fellow officer. Nothing that has been reported or conveyed along the chain of command is done out of spite, but with a deep disappointment and sorrow. I initially tried to reconcile our relationship with love and understanding. But your failure to break off your affair with xxxxx left me no alternative but to act in any way possible that coincides with both the vows that I made you and the vows I made to my country. I am sorry if the path that you left me creates a larger gulf between us. But I was left no choice. I love you and hope that when this situation is resolved that we can focus on reconciling our marriage. As always, I am here for you and will love and support you in any way I can."

Just a thought.

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Originally Posted by ouchthathurt
Tell her

"The only thing I have done, is lived my life and my marriage in the light. It is what I require from my wife and a fellow officer. Nothing that has been reported or conveyed along the chain of command is done out of spite, but with a deep disappointment and sorrow. I initially tried to reconcile our relationship with love and understanding. But your failure to break off your affair with xxxxx left me no alternative but to act in any way possible that coincides with both the vows that I made you and the vows I made to my country. I am sorry if the path that you left me creates a larger gulf between us. But I was left no choice. I love you and hope that when this situation is resolved that we can focus on reconciling our marriage. As always, I am here for you and will love and support you in any way I can."

Just a thought.

I like this alot.

But, I'd still wait a day or two before sending it.


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I would just rest up and sit back and wait for round 2. The Mrs is confused. First she said that you were ignoring her, and now she doesn't want to speak to you.

Just give it some time. The OM will be seriously covering his ###, and she will be the first one thrown under the bus.

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Hey Gurka - I wouldn't worry too much about the investigation. No matter what happens, both your W and the OM will never recover their Army careers from this.

They have not lived up to the Army values and this will be passed on to their next commander IF they actually have another assignment.

Got it on the "mind altering drugs".... just know that they are there for you if you find yourself fidgity or anxious througout the day... now the Mefloquine that I took on both of my tours in A-Stan was "mind altering"!!! I had the weirdest dreams when I was taking that stuff...

Im going to sign off too as it's 2300hrs here and I've got a full day tomorrow...

Try and relax focus on the fact that the A is in it's final stages, if not already over...

Semper Fi,

RIF


Me, BS

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Originally Posted by Marshmallow
Originally Posted by ouchthathurt
Tell her

"The only thing I have done, is lived my life and my marriage in the light. It is what I require from my wife and a fellow officer. Nothing that has been reported or conveyed along the chain of command is done out of spite, but with a deep disappointment and sorrow. I initially tried to reconcile our relationship with love and understanding. But your failure to break off your affair with xxxxx left me no alternative but to act in any way possible that coincides with both the vows that I made you and the vows I made to my country. I am sorry if the path that you left me creates a larger gulf between us. But I was left no choice. I love you and hope that when this situation is resolved that we can focus on reconciling our marriage. As always, I am here for you and will love and support you in any way I can."

Just a thought.

I like this alot.

But, I'd still wait a day or two before sending it.

I like that a lot too. I will wait a day or two.

Mainly because I just want to write back "I HOPE YOU BURN" right now. mad

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I'm left wondering just what kind of person she really is, because it doesn't seem like she's the same kind as me.


She isn't the same person she was.

Addicts become people that their own families don't recognize.

Try not to think about what she said. You wouldn't pay too much attention to a falling down drunk, would you?

Your WW is no different...right now.




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Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
Originally Posted by Vittoria
Gerk, picture this in your head .........

FWH has just found out that family and friends know of the A, from my exposure.

His face is beat red with anger, looks like he is about to pop his lid right off.

One fist is clenched, the other holds a glass of milk.

He starts screaming, ' YOU WILL NOT RUIN MY REPUTATION !!!! '

Then throws the glass of milk at me, his aim is a bit off but I still get some on me.

This is a grown, supposedly mature man. No history of violence.

He is taking a tantrum cuz people know about his sleezy behaviour. He's been caught.

He wouldn't be so irate if he didn't think it was sleezy too.

I'm pretty sure this a lame reaction compared to some WS's, I hope you get the drift.

Does it not bother you to think, "I would never do that." Not the affair, not the lying, not throwing things or getting angry and trying to hurt your spouse. That's what makes it all so shocking for me, is that it's all unfathomable to me. I would never do any of it, and I assumed that this person that I've known for 5 years and spent my life getting to know was pretty similar to me in that way. I'm left wondering just what kind of person she really is, because it doesn't seem like she's the same kind as me.
Absolutely bothered me. Ignoring his crap was one of the hardest things, at that point, I've ever done.
From reading here, I learned to picture him as an alien, sounds so stupid doesn't it.
I kept saying to myself, don't take this personally....... I have to admit that at one point, I just wanted to laugh cuz he
was behaving so childish. I mean, he through milk for crying out loud.

WS's act no different when exposed, than a raccoon cornered in the barn by a bunch of dogs.
I bet my H wouldn't even remember that episode now.

He got over his rage in time. My H is not now, the person that he became while in his A.
He's a better person.

Don't focus so much on what WW is doing or saying now.
Later, after withdrawl, will be the time to assess her actions and words.

You'll understand that more, when the time comes.

You mentioned that you don't deserve this, no, you don't.
Remember, you did not cause your WW's choice to let a third party in.


M'd 22 years
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D-Day 08/08 LTA


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Personally I would avoid ALL relationship talk and just stick to small talk for the time being. You trying to defend your actions will just seem like a love buster. Send her some pleasant small talk twice a week and ignore the crazy responses. Like I said earlier, plan A your spouse, and plan B your wayward spouse. You got your point across that you are not ignoring her. You also found that "never talking to you again" only lasted as long as a couple days. Just let her vent for a couple weeks before sending the "I just did it for our marriage" speech. Let her find out the OM is bailing on her before you pull that out.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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