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Hey Gurka,
All of this FB defriending of you and your parents, it's just like the milk.
It's immature, use what I can at the moment, irrational acts.
That doesn't mean that they don't hurt us, since we know the feelings behind those actions,
but in the big picture, they really are unimportant.

So, you are keeping up with your working out, and sounds like you are eating pretty well.
All of this is good. It's important to keep yourself healthy. Physically and emotionally.
A lot of us are victims of the famous infidelity diet, we lose weight unintentionally,
from stress and just can't eat. We lose our mental stamina, cuz we live and breathe
the infidelity crisis. It can silently catch up to you and leave you a nervous wreck.

Take care of you.

Try to keep up with the activities that you enjoy, and the ones that give you relaxation.
Get your sleep! First and foremost comes your safety.
Dealing with all of this, is stressful and exhausting.
If you were a female, we'd suggest you to go out and get a pedicure or a massage.
I'll let you decide what it is that you could do. wink

I like that puppy video, A LOT! What girl doesn't like puppies. smile



Rif,
Originally Posted by RIF
You're getting some great advice on the e-mails! I think I'll stick to other things as I'm not nearly as good as they are on putting my feelings down on paper.
I'm wondering if this, the bolded, comes from my take on your last thought for a response to WW.
I haven't read anything from you that I haven't agreed with, so I think your suggestions have all been spot on..
That one, from a female perspective, gave me a twinge. I prolly should have worded my post a little
different. Something like, "this could be taken sarcastically", would have been better.
I think you are a doing a fabulous job with support here and I apologize if I gave you reason to question
your advice, in that dept.
Hope we're cool



M'd 22 years
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We're heading out to do some training this morning (Sunday.) I was talking to one of the Air Force LTs earlier and he was saying that he was captain of the Air Force Academy chess team. I told him about you, and where we went to school. He'd actually heard of some our friends.

Also, just when I think I've got it bad, I see something like this:
At least I'm not under attack my a pack of lick-happy lab puppies! Though pretty much the same thing happens when I go out to feed the puppies outside our office.

Jeff

Shot out on this.

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Good Morning Gurka,

You've probably already left for your training this morning... Hope all goes well and eveyone stays safe!

I agree with Vittoria, the FB de-friending is just another way of her lashing out at the ones that she thinks are "taking her fun away"! Deep down, I suspect that your W knows that your parents don't approve of what she's doing and her real reason is that she is ashamed because she knows that she's dissapointed them.

She would never admit to this, but most people want to please their parents and in-laws... If she wasn't ashamed of her actions, or if she truly didn't think her actions were wrong, she would have gladly shared all of the news of the OM with everyone! But she didn' do that... she kept it hidden.

Now that she's been "caught", she doesn't want any "link" to your parents in case they too, try to discuss her immoral behaviour with her... so de-friending your parents is her way of cutting off communications AND it helps ease her guilt (for a little while).

Hi Vittoria - No worries on your comments... I'm just an old-fashioned romantic at heart and I really do have a hard time with well worded, up to date things to say. I liked what you suggested MUCH better! grin

Hey Gurka - They used to have a day spa at Camp Eggers where you could get a massage, manicure or pedicure... you could go there sometime and pamper yourself! hee hee laugh ...that is unless GEN McChrystal kicked them out of theater like he did with the Burger King!

Semper Fi,

RIF

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Sunday morning training? YIKES!

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My last post was the email I sent her this morning. I didn't get a response.

Done with training, back in the office now. We only take Fridays off, every other day is a regular work day.

All the stuff at Eggers, and everywhere else in Afghanistan is still open. BAF, KAF, Phoenix, Salerno, etc. I've been to all of them since the "deadline" of April 1st, and everything was still humming along with no indication of closing.

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All the stuff at Eggers, and everywhere else in Afghanistan is still open. BAF, KAF, Phoenix, Salerno, etc. I've been to all of them since the "deadline" of April 1st, and everything was still humming along with no indication of closing.


Yeah, AAFES doesn't miss a chance to make a buck! I'm sure they'll drag this out as long as they can... You wouldn't believe the size of the PX here at VBC, it's almost as big as the one at Ft. Polk! (Yeah, I was stationed there for 3 years... Mrs. RIF HATED Ft. Polk!!!)

We get 1/2 a day off on Fridays, then 10hrs for the other six days... the days are long, but the weeks sure go by fast!

Glad you made it back safely!

Semper Fi,

RIF

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For a minute there I thought you meant you had 10 hours off for the other 6 days combined. Haha.

Realistically the ANA that we're "mentoring" here don't come to work on Thursdays, Fridays, or Saturdays, and all the other days of the week they're gone by 1400.

I'm starving, can't get to lunch soon enough!

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Realistically the ANA that we're "mentoring" here don't come to work on Thursdays, Fridays, or Saturdays, and all the other days of the week they're gone by 1400.


In Shalah! Have you been over there for Ramahdan??? They take off for almost an entire month... then a few weeks later, they have another 7 day holiday!

It's a wonder they ever get anything done...

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No one in the Army obeys their "pass and leave" policy. Corps commanders will just tell everyone to take 3 weeks off.

So I guess I'll just continue the casual, upbeat updates with my WW every other day for a couple weeks and give her time to calm down before I try explaining the whole, "I'm doing this out of love, not spite" thing.

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So I guess I'll just continue the casual, upbeat updates with my WW every other day for a couple weeks and give her time to calm down before I try explaining the whole, "I'm doing this out of love, not spite" thing.


Hey Gurka - sounds like a good plan. As long as she's still in contact with you, then I think that's a good thing! (even though her e-mails will most likely mean and spiteful)

The investigations shouldn't take more than two to three weeks at the most... between now and then, expect more hateful e-mails and continued threats from her.

Semper Fi,

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One of my good friends, smart guy, is telling me I'm going about this entirely the wrong way. He's saying she'll never, ever forgive me for ruining, or trying to ruin her job.

Pretty much all my friends were on board with the exposure, but none of them think that it can possibly lead to saving the marriage.

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How many of them have lost a marriage or saved one?

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One of my good friends, smart guy, is telling me I'm going about this entirely the wrong way. He's saying she'll never, ever forgive me for ruining, or trying to ruin her job.

Pretty much all my friends were on board with the exposure, but none of them think that it can possibly lead to saving the marriage.


Hey Gurka,

I would venture a guess that most of the people that you've talked with don't know about the MB concepts.

You wife may NOT forgive you, but that will be HER lose, not yours. You will learn more about yourself along the way here and you will be a much stronger person for taking the "hard" road, regardless of whether or not you rebuild you M.

I think that I mentioned this before, but when I found out about Mrs. RIF's 'firs' A, my CO Cdr and Bn Cdr, and all of my fellow LT's told me to dump Mrs. RIF because she was "never" going to change.

When your friends tell you things like this, take it for what it's worth, and add it to your decision making process. For now, I think that you are tracking very well with exposure and Plan-A. Your W's words and actions will definitely "support" your friends comments so it would be pretty easy to start agreeing with them. Only you can decide what you want to do.

We're here to offer up a proven plan for rebuilding your M after an A. There are many people here that have recovered their marriages from much worse (I know, nobody has a "worse" situation that you, especially when you're going through it!) situations. Just knowing this fact, hopefully, will help you get through the many self doubts that you WILL have along the way.

Semper Fi,

RIF


Me, BS

Her, Forgiven

Married Dec 86

Multiple A's that ended '90

Rebuilding In Faith since then...

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I just feel like at soon as I confronted her, she was already gone. It was, "we don't have a marriage to fix, I want out. I'm done. I want a divorce." Immediately upon being confronted.

She waffled, as the title of the thread suggests, at times embracing the MB concepts. But ultimately she seemed to choose OM. And now I've really pissed her off.

I guess what I'm saying is that if your plan works, it's certainly counter-intuitive. I'm still sticking to it, because I think it's the best chance I have of saving my marriage, but I'm certainly skeptical.

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... it's certainly counter-intuitive. I'm still sticking to it, because I think it's the best chance I have of saving my marriage, but I'm certainly skeptical.


Exactly!!!

This is a long, hard road that you're choosing to take, but it CAN work.

Go back to the beggining of this tread and read some of the comments that we've posted regarding HOW your W would react when you exposed... go back and read what some posters even said regarding what her first couple of e-mails would have in them...

We've been where you are and there's really nothing different or "special" in how a WS reacts when the A is exposed. We've seen it, you are living it... I'm not saying that everything will be 100% exactly alike, but I would bet that our past experiences are at least 90-95% similar to what you are and will experience as you travel down this road.

Glad you've decided to stick around for a while! We'll be right here with you every step of the way!

Semper Fi,

RIF


Me, BS

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Multiple A's that ended '90

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Forwarded her some pictures my parents sent me of our dog playing outside, and then of him taking a nap afterwards. Should I expect a response of, "You know I'm keeping him, right?"

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Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
One of my good friends, smart guy, is telling me I'm going about this entirely the wrong way. He's saying she'll never, ever forgive me for ruining, or trying to ruin her job.
lol, I used to think the same.
When I first read about exposure, I thought, OMG that is the most ridiculous thing that I've ever heard!
I should be able to just ask my WH to stop seeing OW, go to MC, and live happily ever after.

Then, the more I read, I came to understand that A's are like addictions. People in general, don't like to
give up their addiction, and WS's esp. WW's don't like to give up their romantic fantasy.
WS's need a bomb to bring them back to the reality of how immoral their behaviour is.
I was also brought back to that reality, it cleared my fog too. I didn't want people to know of my WH's A,
I was ashamed, and I thought that his actions were a reflection on me, and my lousy ability to be a wife.

Quote
Pretty much all my friends were on board with the exposure, but none of them think that it can possibly lead to saving the marriage.
Think about your options Jeff.
You could say nothing, and WW would continue to see OM.
The A could die on it's own or the OM could dump your WW. No one but the three of you would know.
WW would not learn that there are consequences to betrayal in M, and you would be left
not ever feeling safe in your M. Adultery cannot and should not be swept under the rug.

You could plead and beg for your WW to come back, this would likely have no effect considering the addiction aspect of OM.
Should you have to plead and beg for your spouse to give up a third person in the M? I don't think so.
I know myself, I didn't want to be a sympathy case, I wanted to be the best choice.

The best chance that you have to restore your M, is to first end the A,
all the while showing WW that you are the best choice.

And, it may not save your M. You can only control your half of this, she has control over her half.

So, all you can do now, is to continue to show her that you are still here, and that you are the best choice.
Stand your ground against accepting adultery,(Stick part of Plan A) meet EN's as best as you can, and avoid LB's,(Carrot part of Plan A).

There was a lot that I didn't understand either as I was going through this, and boy did I question myself about what I was doing.

You're doing great, we all know how hard this is. smile



M'd 22 years
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D-Day 08/08 LTA


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I just feel like at soon as I confronted her, she was already gone. It was, "we don't have a marriage to fix, I want out. I'm done. I want a divorce." Immediately upon being confronted.


What she wanted was for you to be kept in the dark while she continued to carry on the A. Once you found out, you began to take the fun out of her A, so she wanted you out of the pic b/c she thought the "fun" of the A would get better again.

But, as she is finding out, the more folks who know about her A the uglier the A got.

Now she is trying to convince those who are important to her that the A never happened... That YOU are nuts, and she is a victim. That's HER plan.

You have a different one.

One that is based in reality and truth.

She may continue to lie about what happen and never give you a chance to recover your M, but then you wouldn't want a wife who couldn't repent of the things she's done, would you?

I have noticed she hasn't blocked your e-mails. She complained when you were ignoring her....in the middle of exposure. She's THREATENED to stop talking to you, but hasn't told you to stop talking to her.

So, just keep doing working your plan.

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Forwarded her some pictures my parents sent me of our dog playing outside, and then of him taking a nap afterwards. Should I expect a response of, "You know I'm keeping him, right?"


Space out your messages to her a little more.

At this point, ANY reply you receive is a good thing.

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Think about your options Jeff.
You could say nothing, and WW would continue to see OM.
The A could die on it's own or the OM could dump your WW. No one but the three of you would know.


I think a more likelier senario would have been Jeff did nothing but try to reason w/ WW until he lost all love her and gave up.

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