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Thoughts for my email tomorrow:
I received your package. Thank you so much for the t-shirts, they really do make a big difference (I'm wearing one right now.) I can't really tell a difference between the underarmour one and PX basics one. Thanks for sending them, it was very thoughtful. I've been growing my hair out like you wanted, attached is a picture with my longer hair and wearing one of the tshirts you sent.

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Gurka,

What makes you think she can change her personality or will not cheat in the future?

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Love the email.

And how you mentioned growing out your hair the way she likes it. The pic is a good touch too...especially if you're looking upbeat in it.


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Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
The risks are negligible compared to how much I want to save my marriage. I'm sticking with my plan.
I think this cuts to the chase of the matter.

Naysayers should hold their water. If there comes a time for "I told you so's" then help for Gurka to recover can come then.

Right now, the only thing that matters is to help Gurka implement his Marital Recovery Plan.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
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Right now, the only thing that matters is to help Gurka implement his Marital Recovery Plan.


clap ITA!


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Ditto!

Goal here is to keep her engaged... more than likely, she will reply with some nasty comments and more threats.

Don't take them to heart! Your goal is to show her that you still love and care for her... regardless of how she's treating you at the moment.

Semper Fi,

RIF

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Originally Posted by Fred_in_VA
Right now, the only thing that matters is to help Gurka implement his Marital Recovery Plan.

Part of that involves understanding what makes Mrs. Gurka tick. What are her emotional needs and what will it take to turn her way of thinking after ending the affair.

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Hey Gurka,

Hope you're having a good evening! Glad you were able to make it to your JAG appointment today.

Semper Fi,

RIF

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Gerk,

I'll bet this guy didn't listen to naysayers...








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Streaming videos don't really work well in Afghanistan, just FYI Marshmallow.

Already took the pictures for tomorrow, definitely upbeat, looking good. I'll shoot it out tomorrow morning.

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Gerka (and others saying it is our job to support [aka encourage / enable] his plan to save the marriage,

I couldn't disagree more. True friends, or true people committed to helping others, don't hold back on what's in their heart. I've read every post in this thread. I've also been in Gerka's shoes. I wanted badly to recover my M as well, at first.

So I vehemently disagree that we need to not speak our hearts and minds just to respect Gerka's "decision" if we don't agree with it.

And I do disagree. Gerka, it is quite likely that this woman is broken, and will do this again to you given her history of (likely) additional infidelity which you don't know about currently. Think LONG and HARD whether she is worth it. She may have changed permanently (like my XW did). You need to think about that possibility, and be REALLY HONEST with yourself about WHY you are so committed to this marriage. Is it in your BEST interest long-term to remain married to a serial cheater when there are no kids involved.

Sometimes, there is no explanation for why people change, no rhyme or reason. Don't make the mistake of assuming she can be fixed. Maybe she can - but the facts you have presented makes me think she's far more like my XW, who has continued to spiral down the path of alienating all friends and family, and deeper into a path of self-destruction. I couldn't save her because she didn't want to be saved.

Sorry if it is not the advice you want to hear, but I believe it is for the best. Remember, you are in a "fog" just as much as she is, and I think you sound a bit like you're in denial about your ability to save the marriage.

I've been in your shoes man. There's no harder thing, no tougher pain for man. No hurt like it. I will pray for you.

Best,
(No Longer)ConfuzedHusband


Formerly ConfuzedHusband
BH
WW (Now XW)
Married 4 years, No children.
EA/PA from 2/2008 to 5/2008.
DDay: 5/17/2008 - Separated 6/1/2008 - Filed 8/3/2008
Divorce final 3/2009.

Now in a committed relationship with a woman of character who loves me so much better and deeper than I ever dreamed possible. I had no idea what I was missing out on and am so grateful God gave me a free "second chance" at love and life.
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Already took the pictures for tomorrow, definitely upbeat, looking good. I'll shoot it out tomorrow morning.


Good for you Gurka! Remember, you'll probably get a poison e-mail in return, but you're excpecting that, right?

Have a good evening and get some rest!

Sempr Fi,

RIF

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Originally Posted by ConfuzedHusband
Gerka (and others saying it is our job to support [aka encourage / enable] his plan to save the marriage,

I couldn't disagree more. True friends, or true people committed to helping others, don't hold back on what's in their heart. I've read every post in this thread. I've also been in Gerka's shoes. I wanted badly to recover my M as well, at first.

So I vehemently disagree that we need to not speak our hearts and minds just to respect Gerka's "decision" if we don't agree with it.

And I do disagree. Gerka, it is quite likely that this woman is broken, and will do this again to you given her history of (likely) additional infidelity which you don't know about currently. Think LONG and HARD whether she is worth it. She may have changed permanently (like my XW did). You need to think about that possibility, and be REALLY HONEST with yourself about WHY you are so committed to this marriage. Is it in your BEST interest long-term to remain married to a serial cheater when there are no kids involved.

Sometimes, there is no explanation for why people change, no rhyme or reason. Don't make the mistake of assuming she can be fixed. Maybe she can - but the facts you have presented makes me think she's far more like my XW, who has continued to spiral down the path of alienating all friends and family, and deeper into a path of self-destruction. I couldn't save her because she didn't want to be saved.

Sorry if it is not the advice you want to hear, but I believe it is for the best. Remember, you are in a "fog" just as much as she is, and I think you sound a bit like you're in denial about your ability to save the marriage.

I've been in your shoes man. There's no harder thing, no tougher pain for man. No hurt like it. I will pray for you.

Best,
(No Longer)ConfuzedHusband

CH,

I understand where you are coming from, and I have voiced my concerns as well, but the one thing your forgetting is...we don't know Gerka or his WW. We have no idea whether or not this is a one time thing because of failed boundaries or she has a personality disorder. He can continue to plan A, work the MB plan, watch withdrawal take place, and then see how she reacts and that will tell Gerka and us a lot about her. He wants to save his marriage if it can be saved and his WW will buy into MB concepts. If both of those don't happen, he can easily walk away. Right now, he's trying to see if they can. Don't you think if his WW got through withdrawal and started reading the MB concepts and started implementing the concepts like some of the FWWs on this board, he could have a very good marriage going forward? Of course he could. Now what are the chances of that? Probably not very good, but he at least wants to see it out first and see what happens. I can respect that. And if the affair is over, and Gerka says she's still blaming him and not willing to work on the M, move to Ft. Polk, or work on the MB concepts, then yeah, I'll give him an earful about kicking his WW to the curb.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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...and others saying it is our job to support [aka encourage / enable] his plan to save the marriage


Hi CH - It's OK, you can say RIF. I don't mind at all!

I'm sorry that you believe that assisting a fellow MB'er with trying to save his marriage as "enabling"... because I, like many others here don't see it that way at all.

I'm sorry that you and several others had to go through the pain and anguish of an A, and ultimately a divorce. I can not begin to ever understand the pain that you have gone through, and I DO understand your reasoning for wanting to "spare" Gurka the pain that you've felt.

Please understand that each of us here at MB are free to decide what is "best" for us as individuals. I was fortunate that by the grace of God, Mrs. RIF got the help she needed and turned her life around. Do I think that ALL WW's can do the same? Absolutely not. Some can and do turn their lives around... sadly, many do not.

Gurka knows full well what he is up against. He is not a child that needs someone with "more experience" to tell him what to do. Gurka isn't in a "fog"... he is demonstrating a maturity way beyond his years and knows what he is doing.

Please, respect Gurka's decision to fight for his marriage. He may eventually decide to NOT continue fighting for his marriage... but it really is HIS decision and not ours.

Semper Fi,

RIF


Me, BS

Her, Forgiven

Married Dec 86

Multiple A's that ended '90

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Originally Posted by ConfuzedHusband
Gerka (and others saying it is our job to support [aka encourage / enable] his plan to save the marriage,

Confused Still,

This is GERKA's thread and he is receiving solid Marriage Builders advice in how to fight an affair. He has chose to fight this A...... and possibly save the marriage as a result.

It is not ENABLING him to give MB advice!
THIS IS MARRIAGE BUILDERS!



Originally Posted by ConfuzedHusband
I couldn't disagree more. True friends, or true people committed to helping others, don't hold back on what's in their heart. I've read every post in this thread. I've also been in Gerka's shoes. I wanted badly to recover my M as well, at first.

So I vehemently disagree that we need to not speak our hearts and minds just to respect Gerka's "decision" if we don't agree with it.

Confused Again,

Gerka came here to learn how to end this affair and possibly recover a marriage..... He is not looking for a friend, nor does he desire to know how your heart feels.... MrRollieEyes

He came here to learn and implement MB plans in fighting an affair. This A needs to end no matter what... it is cruel and evil.

So my advice to you is to sit back and/or stick to helping him with the MB program ... IMNSHO



Originally Posted by ConfuzedHusband
Sorry if it is not the advice you want to hear, but I believe it is for the best. Remember, you are in a "fog" just as much as she is, and I think you sound a bit like you're in denial about your ability to save the marriage.

Pretty ballzy to exalt yourself to such a self-appointed position!





Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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I think you sound a bit like you're in denial about your ability to save the marriage.


And I think you are in denial that others HAVE recovered M's that were in much worse shape than Gerk's.




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Gurka knows full well what he is up against. He is not a child that needs someone with "more experience" to tell him what to do. Gurka isn't in a "fog"... he is demonstrating a maturity way beyond his years and knows what he is doing.


Agree 100%!

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And if the affair is over, and Gerka says she's still blaming him and not willing to work on the M, move to Ft. Polk, or work on the MB concepts, then yeah, I'll give him an earful about kicking his WW to the curb.


As will I.

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So I vehemently disagree that we need to not speak our hearts and minds just to respect Gerka's "decision" if we don't agree with it.


Again CH - This thread isn't about you. Nobody is saying that your opinion and feelings are not real... to you.

What I have been consistantly saying from my first post on this thread was that we need to support Gurka's decision, regardless of what OUR personal opinions and feelings are.

How would you look at my posts if I started posting on the Divorce threads and started "vehmently" disagreeing with people there that have decided to press on towards Divorce? "Hey, I saved my M, you can do it too!!!"

Would you agree and say "Wow,RIF is right!" He should continue posting here to try and keep these people from divorcing!!! I don't think that you would...

By doing so, my actions would be insulting and disrespectful to the thread owner...

...and so are these posts that are telling Gurka "what's best" for him.

Semper Fi,

RIF


Me, BS

Her, Forgiven

Married Dec 86

Multiple A's that ended '90

Rebuilding In Faith since then...

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Back in the day I received a broad range of advice. Some that I should fight for my marriage, some that I should divorce quickly , and some even that I should do some very illegal things indeed !

Fact is the main reason I chose to fight for my marriage was NOBILITY. I wanted to add dignity to the world of dirty mess that adultery had made my family's life into.

If my marriage was to end, it would not be for the want of effort from me. Mostly if my marriage WAS to end I would not lose my wife to the low dog that was OM in my situation.

My toolbag STILL included every option, including divorce , but I chose to do all I could to recover my marriage.

My Squid and daughter just arrived in the front door from the spinning class they attended. Laughing. Squid popped in and kissed me on the cheek before taking a shower.

She is restored as a great mother. The kids are blessed to have her. She is highly repentant and ashamed of her past behaviour. She loves me. She is a good wife, and learning to be a better one.

While such a marriage is a hope for Gurka, or any BS facing the horror of adultery I will not slate them for not choosing divorce, and I will do all I can to help them.

If they are not successful in restoring their marriage they will at least be ennobled by and made proud of their efforts " Earning your way out" some of we old timers call that.

Gurka wants to fight for his marriage under hard circumstances. Let those of us who do not want to aid him in that, remain quiet. Let those of us who wish to support him do so.

I have seen some horrendous situations yield a successful recovery. Why deny Gurka that potential ?



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