Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 36 of 91 1 2 34 35 36 37 38 90 91
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107
Rig and Vittoria are exactly right, Gurka.

You have ( it seems) one very important ingredient in the successful recipe for ending a spouses affair : You do not have a desperate fear of losing your WW.

To all intents and purposes she's already gone br'a. You know that.

Nothing you can do can make her MORE lost right now, but you might JUST help guide her back.

The reason you lost her is because she exaggerated the bad stuff about you in her head and forgot the good stuff. I know that because that almost all affairs.

The only way you can challenge that is by LIVING OUT your good attributes.

* being dignified, having self respect.
* Caring but not being a boot rag
* being forgiving but taking no [censored]
* being a calm , straight , capable edge that demonstrates the chaos in her own behaviour and the rest of her life

WS have only peripheral vision. Your WW can stare right at you and fail to see your goodness, but persistent admirable spousal behaviour is always there at the edge of her vision and it will sink in with persistence.

Light the way back to your heart subtly Gurka. Its harder when you're both in the military for sure, but RIF can help you out with that.

Exposure was a great thing to do. Now be the best H you can be given the circumstances.

Also, it may help for you to practice Loving Detachment. It can save your heart some hurt when you get Fog back from her. If you need a guide to this, let me know.

All blessings


MB Alumni
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
Ok, about to send out the email. Expecting venom\divorce talk in response, but I'm ready for it.

Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247
Gerka --

Your wife and SOL's and several others are ACTIVE waywards.
They require special handling in terms of Plan A.
Male waywards just lap up Plan A like a cat with cream.
But WOMEN are different.

She thinks she is in luuuuv with OM. In contrast, she is in a state of withdrawal from you. She does not feel in love with you. So trying to flirt or entice her isn't going to be well received right now -- especially since she blames you PRIMARILY for the problems in her affair.

Right now she feels extreme anger towards you. She does not give a rats [censored] what you do with your hair. Prior to the affair-implosion she probably felt affection but not that "in-love" feeling that she has for OM. So prior to the recent events she might have made some kind of positive comment about it -- but right now you should just expect it to irritate her.

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
So what's the best way to handle the situation at this point?

Judging from the most recent phone usage (I'm not sure why she's still using the phone that I can monitor as opposed to her other phone...) she's been calling him and getting voice mail. This was only 2 days ago.

Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,862
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,862
In truth, Gerk's BREATHING is an irritation to her right now.

How can Gerk stay engaged w/ her w/o irritating her?

Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,862
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,862
Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
Judging from the most recent phone usage (I'm not sure why she's still using the phone that I can monitor as opposed to her other phone...) she's been calling him and getting voice mail. This was only 2 days ago.

Let OMW know they are still in contact.

Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
So what's the best way to handle the situation at this point?

Judging from the most recent phone usage (I'm not sure why she's still using the phone that I can monitor as opposed to her other phone...) she's been calling him and getting voice mail. This was only 2 days ago.

That's a good sign. It seems like he may be following the cease and desist contact order, even if she doesn't. You might want to forward that info on to OMW, and if it doesn't stop, I would probably give this information to the investigating officers as well. I'll let RIF chime in on that part.

Why is she using the phone you can monitor? Probably her head is spinning and she just can't think right now. Also, she might have been using a pre-paid phone and since he hasn't been talking to her, she ran out of minutes and just hasn't recharged the minutes. There is no point anymore.

Last edited by jmwc95; 04/30/10 08:29 AM.

Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
Let the investigators know they are still communicating.

These questions haven't been answered and they really must be in order to be able to give good advice:

What EN's does she have that can be met to help her recommit to the marriage?

What in her personality makes you think she might recommit?

Were there good years in your marriage that she can think of fondly?

The impression I have from your thread is that trouble started right away, but I may be misreading it.

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
Originally Posted by Marshmallow
Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
Judging from the most recent phone usage (I'm not sure why she's still using the phone that I can monitor as opposed to her other phone...) she's been calling him and getting voice mail. This was only 2 days ago.

Let OMW know they are still in contact.

Done. Just a brief email, "Just wanted to let you know that (WW) is still trying to call your husband. Keep an eye out."

Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,862
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,862
Good job, Gerk.

I don't think a pic of you wearing a shirt she bought for you, looking upbeat is flirtatious or enticing.

As long as your expression is upbeat and NOT "see what you're missing, baby?".




Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
Originally Posted by Marshmallow
Good job, Gerk.

I don't think a pic of you wearing a shirt she bought for you, looking upbeat is flirtatious or enticing.

As long as your expression is upbeat and NOT "see what you're missing, baby?".

Yup, the email was exactly what I put on here. The pictures were just normal pictures. I don't look exuberant or sad.

Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
R
RIF Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
Hey Gurka,

Yep, I'd send a copy of the most recent attempts at contact to your BN Cdr and ask him to forward them to the investigating officers...

I agree with Jmwc - Sounds like OM is cooling his heels now that he's been caught... He's more worried about saving his own career and keeping his family than chatting with your W now! smile

Semper Fi,

RIF

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
No one's told me that they're not to be in contact... I'll ask my BN commander if it's relevant.

Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
R
RIF Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
I'd be very surprised if they DIDN'T give them each a No Contact order. At a minimum, the investigating officer would have told each of them that they are NOT to talk with anyone related to the investigation.

Obviously, OM is part of your W's investigation, and your W is part of the OM's investigation... so I do think that you should discuss this with your BN Cdr and ask him if you should send him the most recent phone log.

Semper Fi,

RIF

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
Sent an email to my BN commander.

Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
R
RIF Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
Hooah!

Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247
My suspicion is that the affair-phone has been deactivated. Either by OM or OMW. (try calling the number from a blocked number...)

So she is desperate enough to contact him using any phone available...

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
My wife's "affair phone" is an AT&T cell phone, which I'm certain hasn't been deactivated. Her finances are totally invisible to me at this point, and she'd have no problem continuing to pay for it. I think it's more likely that he wasn't answering when she was calling from the "affair phone" so she tried calling from her phone too.

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
G
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 580
Well, wow, got a response from OMW:
STOP CONTACTING ME!!!!!!!


That was all.

Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,862
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,862
Guess your "little plan" to destroy the A DID work. grin


Page 36 of 91 1 2 34 35 36 37 38 90 91

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (anchorwatch), 38 guests, and 56 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Overcomer4513, caraduke, Convict20, GTNY, Avianna
71,737 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,809
Members71,737
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5