First of all I read all the help on the MB website and the newbie threads. Very helpful and when you said that these are all remarkably similiar they wernt joking. many were IDENTICAL quotes.

Im a 33 year old BH. About 2 weeks ago my 33 Year old WW lost her job. While assuming control of alot of bills I found she was talking to the OM for HUNDREDS of hours on the phone and in text messages.

I immediatly went to a divorce attorney who set me up with a Private eye. It took them only 2 days to catch her. My d-day was 5/1/10.

Against my attorneys advice I confronted her the next day after she returned from her trip. When confronted with the details of her affair she admitted to me that she has been having the affair for over a year.

I forced her to confess to her parants(she needed some council since I was filing divorce papers for a adultery divorce in SC immediately)

She has since told the OM and he has confessed to his parents.

My lawyer advised me to exit the house and begin a seperation which I did. SHe was worried I could get manipulated into forgiving and voiding my adultery claim risking alimony)

1 problem. I still love my wife and want to give her another chance. I found the MB community and immediatly felt hope. I printed out all the advice to give to her that seemed to outlay a plan for recovery. I gave it to her and am making what efforts I can to meet her EN while staying out of the martial home. I have ordered 2 copies of SAA and am committed to the recovery plan and am currently putting Plan A into action.

Questions

the OM is a master sargent in the airforce. As a former Sailor of 9 years I know its against the UCMJ. I know the OM from 15 years ago but havent talked to him since. Should I inform his command or call him directly to avoid contact with her and threaten to inform his command?. SHe has begged me not to since she is claiming resposibilty but I see now that he is expected to do that. His parents do know and all 3 of our parents know each other.

I think I made a mistake and left the martial home sooner. I am supporting her and trying to provide for her EN instead of him. Trying to ween WW of OM. I feel I can only do so much outside the home. I am looking into a post nuptial aggreement option to protect my rights while attempting Reconciliation. Is the effective?


Or Is it better to stay away during the 3 week withdrawal period and then attempt to come back?

There is a risk of me smothering her now. She has lost her job and husband within 2 weeks. She says she needs some time to recover and process. I feel im showering her with too much attention now. How much should I give her?

Thank you in advance for any support. I sincerly appreciate it.

Welcome to MB. Sorry you are here. Having said that, this is the best place you can find yourself in a time like this.

You say that your In-Laws know and OMs parents know. How do you know that? Did your WW tell you that? Because Waywards LIE.

You are out of the house? Do you have intentions of moving back in? It will be easier to try to recover if you live together.

I'm pretty new but I know one thing for sure:

GET YOUR A$$ BACK INTO THE HOUSE!

Others will help more.

Good luck.

Yes, inform his command. A person in his position should not be committing adultery. He is not worthy of his position. Regardless of that, he will be given a direct order never to contact your WW again. If he violates it, he's toast, so he will DEFINITELY not contact your WW again.


It will be better for you to be away, but it may not be better for your marriage. If you are disciplined, stick with plan A, and don't let her get to you, then it is best for you to be there. You want her to transition from OM meeting her needs back to you. She'll likely do that if you are there. If you aren't, you risk someone else being there to do so.


You want to subtly meet some of her needs (like conversation) while avoiding love busting, conversation talk. Don't go overboard or over the top. Cook dinner, clean around the house, make small talk. That is all for now until she seems more receptive.

Again, you need to decide what YOU want to do. If you have no kids, it's perfectly fine to want to walk away. If you don't think she can stay faithful, that's fine if you want to walk away. It's your choice. But decide what you want, get a plan, and stick to that plan.

Thanks for the reply Scotland

I confronted her at her parents house. Since they were there they could watch the baby. After she confessed to me I told her she needed to confess ton her parents since she would need money for legal fees since I knew my lawyer was out for blood. I witnessed her confess to her father and mother so i know it occured. I can not confirm that OM parents know. I have avoided contact with them and the OM.



My lawyer advised me to leave the house. So I did. I thought it was hopeless at first due to the duration and of the affair. It wasnt till after I had moved out and filed the inital complaint that I found MB and realized there was real hope.

I want to re enter the house but dont wanna lose the legal advantage I have. There is a concept in SC law called forgiveness. If it can be proved I forgive the past adultery I could open myself up financially considerably. I have a very good job and she is unemployed. I am consulting my lawyer but she wants me to finalize a 3 month SC divorce and only then go back. This is unacceptable to me and I dont want to lose my window of fighting for my wife.

I am talking to her on the phone and spending time in the day with her. I am just avoiding staying overnight with her. I am trying to support her EN though as best I can. I am fighting as hard as I can using the tools ive found here.



Thanks MargieLoll . I want to. I just dont wanna give up another form of pressure. THe legal pressure of the copious amounts of documentation I have. I paid $2400 on one night of a PI chaseing WW across 2 states. I just dont wanna run back blindly and I want to trust her intentions but I obviously cant. Since WW lie about anything.

Im almost afraid to eat dinner with her and the baby since she invited me over. I want to though so Im taking that risk.



Thanks jmwc95. I am afraid to only because she is begging me not to and she is seriously considering cutting off all contact with him. If she agrees and he continues I will use that avenue. I know at a minimum they will issue a direct order to kill contact with WW. It seems better for her to come to the decision without threats than with them.



Im offering to do stuff with her she wanted me to do before. Like day trips I was too "busy at work" to do before. Im doing the stuff I should have been doing all along to prevent the affair.



i have a child age 4. i also love my WW and dont want to lose her. So im fighting for her.

Who is your lawyer, Dr. Nick Riviera? I have always heard that you should NEVER leave your house. It absolutely kills your custody rights. Who is getting custody per the separation?

I moved out 1 day before we filed the complaint. The lawyer said it was a minimal risk since the there was such a small period of time between filing of the complaint (first formal court notice) and seperation. It was only 1 day. It would have been worse for me to sleep with her and get accused of forgiving her and lose my grounds of adultery.

Legally she is screwed. I have photo evidence from a licsenced Private eye. Its a third party and very compelling in court. I also have 12 months of contact with him for sometimes hours a day. legally im in a very strong position. Custody is the only weak area since I am a shift worker and she is a stay at home mother(albiet forced due to her getting fired). If the divorce does go through Im allowing her to have primary custodial rights since IMO its better for the child due to our work schedules.

IF you want to save your marriage, exposing to the OM's CO is NOT optional. They are addicted, and unless given a reason to not contact each other, they will continue. Read up on Gerkaguards story. His WW and OM are both Army officers. He exposed to both of their chains of command and there is an investigation underway. It's the best chance you have at saving your marriage.

Why are you worried about saving OMs job anyways? Your WW and OM didn't give a crap about you. You need to expose this to anyone who can put pressure on the affair. You will not use it as leverage. It is not to be done out of retaliation. It is done because it needs to be done and it is the right thing to do if you want to do it the MB way.

So, because it's better for your daughter to stay with her mother and be exposed to the OM due to your work schedules? Are you not concerned with your daughter learning that having affairs is what you do when you get the least bit unhappy in a marriage?

YEG,

Before you start making decisions to counter your lawyer, who is protect YOU by the way. AND, before I offer you any advice I would like to know something.

WHERE DOES YOUR w STAND ON THINGS RIGHT NOW?

Has she ceased contact with OM?

Does she say she wants to save the marriage?

What actions has she taken to indicate that she wants to save the marriage?

What actions is she willing to do to indicate she wants to save the marriage?

Are you willing to remarry her if there were a divorce and she made things safe for you?

Has she given any indication as to why she had this affair and why she would not have another affair?

I look forward to your answers.

JL

Thanks for all the responces



I confronted her with the affair on Sunday may 2nd. WW tried to lie at first but when presented with the very detailed accounts of her night the PI was following her she confessed.

I didnt present her with the option of a possible reconciliation without a divorce till yesterday May 5th. I admit my first reaction was to divorce and be done. When i presented it to her I brought to her the MB series on coping with and infedility and asked her to read it. She is stil punchdrunk but has made process in the packet, and Our SAA copies are on their way.

She is still very lost. Today i think the alien let her loose for the first time. WW confessed to me that she is still considering the NC and will have the answer soon. We spent dinner together where I used tools here to show her the type of man i can be for her.

The conversation was draining us both and I needed space. so i politly left on good terms.

So nutshell she is still deceding if she wants to do NC.

How long should I let her decide]\

She has had almost no contact since the A is that possitive at this early stage?


She told me today that she has not given up on our marriage. She also has says she is almost sure how long it will take. How long should I give her?

Invited me over for dinner and time with my daughter. She cooked for me and bought pasteries for desserts. she talked to me about the subject openly and honestly. She just didnt know what her final decision will be yet.



She made a good dinner and invited me to ride to charlotte with her for a day trip. Day trips were always something i avoided but I accepted to show her I will meet that need.



Yes, I am also ready to stop the process if she makes a committment to SAA and MB way. Also has to commit to NC with the OM. Im forming a gameplan based onif she accepts the NC. If she doesnt then the divorce procedes at a breakneck pace.




4 years ago WW EA began after she had our daughter. I contractor working country wide. I had to care for my new child and wife. She felt abandoned with a new born she was afraid of. she turned to her Hish school best friend for help instead of me since I couldnt meet that need. He was stastioned in KOREA but was able to talk to her and meet her need.

PA appeared because I wasnt doing the recreational activities i should be. I was lazy and didnt wanna go on a day trip. Not thanking her for dinner.

So WW went to florida to see a Gin blossoms concert with the OM and it grew from there.

She is answering what She will do for not having another affair now. She is still thinking.

I just dont know how longer I shoud permit that.

YEG,

You just don't get it yet. You don't understand how affairs work. Leaving it up to your WW to abide by NC for life on a several year long affair is so utterly foolish. Your WW is an addict and she CAN'T go full NC. It is IMPOSSIBLE for her. She's not going to do it. Sure, she may agree to it for a while, but eventually the addiction will kick in and she'll find a way to go behind your back and contact him again. Then you'll wonder why things aren't getting better until eventually your marriage continues to go downhill and you get divorced. It's completely predictable. She will not go NC on her own. If you are too proud for her not to choose you and only you right now, then go ahead with the divorce.

However, if you want to save your marriage, this is what you do. Expose to OM's CO. I will give you a 99% chance of recovering your marriage if you do that. OM will be completely out of the picture. You may be WW's second choice now, but once you are through recovery, she'll thank you for fighting for her during these difficult times, and you'll be her first choice the rest of your lives if you continue to follow the MB program.

YEG, you don't even realize how easy you have it. Most of the BH's would kill to be in your position. The steps to marital recovery are:

1) Kill the affair.
2) Rebuild your marriage.

You have the magic bullet to save your marriage and solve your problems and you won't even use it. What a shame.

YEG, you need to contact this guy's unit commander. If you don't want the guy to get into serious trouble you could always state in your letter that if all contact ceases immediately, you don't need it to go any further. Personally, I don't see why you'd want to do that. If some guy was trying to break up my marriage and putting me at risk of losing custody of my kids, and he was burning in front of me, I wouldn't piss on him to put out the flames, but that's just me.

Hi YEG - Welcome to MB.



IMHO, there is no "consideration" for NC. If you truely want a chance to rebuild your M, then you need to expose to OM's C-of-C... don't wait for your W's decision, and don't let her know when you expose... she will find out soon enough when OM contacts her again.

Semper Fi,

RIF

How do you know this? Don't believe anything your WW or her OM say.


Is this so important to you that you are willing to lose your marriage and avoid alimony, as opposed to saving your M and not having an alimony issue at all?


Expose this scumbag and let him deal with the consequences. Your WW didn't make him commit adultery on her own.

I'm no attorney, but I AM an adultery survivor. As a survivor, I would tell you to GO HOME. And what's a three week withdrawal period? There is no set time for going through withdrawal. But I CAN tell you this: withdrawal cannot begin until No Contact has been established. And she's probably not going to be able to establish NC if she's sitting at home with no job, nothing to do, except pick up the phone and talk. Who do you think she's going to call?


Your M needs your attention right now. She can process everything with you there. If you aren't there she's an addict whose bottle (the cell phone) is constantly in reach and there's no one to stop her from using again.

I dont know how affairs work. Its hard for me because I did nothing but trust her for years. Now Ive gotta assume everything that is coming out of her mouth is a lie.

We spent time together last night and I told her about the MB way of informing all parties. I told her I was getting advice that I needed to inform his command. She said "please don't" and said she does not respond well to ultimatums.

Im not trying to protect that but im afraid it has the possibility of alienating my wife forever.



She told me she just needed a couple more days to decide. Can that hurt? Wouldnt it be better for her to decide on her own? To choose me over him then hold her accountable.

She hasnt committed to NC yet. God I want her too but im afraid if I try to push her too hard towards it will push her away.

There's no ultimatum, it's not "do this or else". There is no option. Do it. If she establishes NC-still do it.


She will get over it. They almost always do.

[quote=YEG] We spent time together last night and I told her about the MB way of informing all parties. I told her I was getting advice that I needed to inform his command. She said "please don't" and said she does not respond well to ultimatums.

Im not trying to protect that but im afraid it has the possibility of alienating my wife forever.

[quote]

Do NOT discuss exposure with her! You are putting her on notice and she will have time to spin the story before you do it! By the time you expose, she will have already gotten to your contacts and told them that you are a.going through depression and are experiencing psychotic breaks that make you think she's having an affair, or b. You're going through mid-life crisis and for some weird reason have decided she's having an A with the military guy, maybe because you've always been jealous of him, blah blah blah.

Tell her you've rethought your position on exposing and that you won't do it! LIE to her about this!!!

Don't mention this site anymore, either! You are giving away all of your tools to combat this affair, YEG. I think you're doing that as a way of reasoning with her so she'll see the light. Well, she's NOT GOING TO SEE THE LIGHT.

No more MarriageBuilders talk until she's established NC and you've exposed. Can you do that?

You can't push someone into someone else's arms when they're already there, YEG.