There's a lot of people in pain here on this forum. I thought it would be nice to have thread going on what the forum is actually about - SURVIVING the affair!!

So, what helps you in the dark hours? What do you do to pull through?

For me, talking to people helps. Talking to OW H has helped a lot. Good music helps (how can you feel bad listening to Neil Diamond or the Beach Boys? lol). MB has helped a LOT.

What does it for you?

So far MB is all I have and I'm holding on with both hands...

Thank you NB community.

I was never a journaler, but after this happened I started journaling my thoughts....it helped sooo much with the ruminating bad thoughts...God and prayer, without them I dont think I would have made it. My DS, I would not have been alive through this if not for him.


Oh and of course MB and the posters on the MB forums...OMG, life saving.

What has helped me is a combination of things:
Talking with OWH definitely helped at first, that has now slowed to once every week and a half. I combined writing my thoughts with the MB builder forum on my thread, I would be lost without MB. God, prayer, and spirituality has helped as well. I have even found free podcasts on Oprah.com and itunes that are good to listen to and have helped me renew my own spirituality. Talking with my friends and people I trust, and trust is a hard thing to come by these days.

Mostly MB. I refresh this thing a couple hundred times a day. haha.

Working out a lot, usually 2 or 3 times a day. Staying late at work and throwing myself into my work.

I tried to spend alot of time with supportive friends and family. Activities with your children help alot to divert your mind off of the affair. Do journal at the end of each day. I also kept a running list of my worries and fears, each Sunday I would cross off the ones that never occured. And just knowing that God was behind my steps to recoverey helped.

Without a doubt the things that have helped me the most through this include:

1) God!!!

2) My family & friends- esp. my fabulous DD's and my parents

3) Journaling- the roller coaster ride of emotions, all in print

4) Reading- about A's, MLC, Personality D/O, Bible, etc.

5) IC- very helpful to open my eyes to the true state of my M

6) Excercise- works wonders for anxiety and depression

7) MB, of course!

MB of COURSE.

I like to read. I listen to LOUD angry music and SCREAM the lyrics. I walk around a track with my friends every weekday morning(meeting new people too). I talk to my friends. Focusing on new things I want to do. Got a new puppy. Painting the house. Doing some yardwork(I will have to learn how to start the lawnmower HAHAHAHA).

Letting myself cry when I needed to.

I try to utilize a number of different resources to get me through the tough moments/hours....

-- Putting my thoughts out here helps a lot. I don't necessarily need something material to have happened between Skatt and I to post either. If it's something with which I am struggling, or something that may benefit someone else, it feels good to put it out there.

-- Reading the feedback after putting my thoughts out there. It reinforces the idea that someone is listening. That someone cares.

-- Interacting with some MB folks offline -- either through e-mail, texts, or phone calls. It's not a regular type of thing, and certainly not badgering (well at least from MY PERSPECTIVE), but it's nice to reach out and not wait for the posts to start appearing.

-- Going to the movies. I'm the type of person that has NO PROBLEM going to the movies by myself. Sure, if there is someone who wants to go, great, but it is by no means a deal-breaker.

-- Exercise is great. The gym, biking, going for a walk, etc. Get the blood flowing.

-- Doing stuff with the boys. Wiffleball, X-box, watching a TV show that we all like, heck, even helping them with their homework.

-- Being outside. Exercise, basketball with my neighbor, gardening, washing the car, reading. The breeze, the sunshine, the fresh air. All good stuff.

I guess the main point is, when you're camped out in your head, and you're brooding, and prognosticating, and scheming, and wondering how in the heck something that seemed so good could go so horribly wrong, it's time to vacate that head of yours. All of the stuff above helps me. It doesn't matter what others may think of it, or the frequency of my usage of them. All that matters is that they put me in a better place. Sure, it will be fleeting. But do you know what? Over time, it will become less so.

And just knowing THAT, helps me.

TB

Initially, to get over the first few days:

1 - Faith in God, his ultimate justice and love
2 - Belief in the reality of our prior 37+ years of devotion to each other
3 - Friends who had been through similar trials and survived

Long-term:

1 - Strengthened faith, due to personal experience, in God, his ultimate justice and love
2 - My wife's abject and total remorse and dedication to our healing
3 - Serious and comprehensive joint dedication to fostering communication and openness
4 - Sites and services like MB, which provide anonymous interaction with fellow travelers on this sad journey

You'll see that three of the factors are basically common to each phase (God, spouse, friends), with the second phase augmented by specifically addressing the source of our initiating problem.

To my psyche, this was the key component. I knew if I (we) were involved in a positive project, dedication to that would have the effect of "distracting" me from concentrating on the occasional periods of "darkness."

Right now, my pastor (who I have texted and e-mailed a TON in the past few days, lol), my family, and the coworkers I have that I trust who let me come in and vent to them.

Journaling... definitely.

I write about 10X the amount in my journal as I do online. I reread parts of it often, to think about things which I might not see while I am merely thinking about it.

Writing on here, I try to be brutally honest, so that I can hear what other's are thinking. I find that sometimes, HOW I am writing is how I feel, but WHAT I am writing says something else, which when pointed out, really hits home.

Also, writing on MB helps me to quit being a victim. I am NOT a victim, although there have been times when I felt as though I was. I made choices, I loved hard and well, and my wife did what she could, and we couldn't get it together. There are no victims. So hearing things on this board then journaling separately really helps.