Oh Yea Jim too. He was the other person I was trying to tell you about as a FBH .

Already on 50 mg pristiq. My job is regulated by the federal government so im limited on what i can take. I would love to bump it up a bit to take the edge off but I cant afford to jeopardize my license.


I talk to my best work friend (hes a big fat italian guy so hes safe). He has been alot of help. I have a therapist ive been seeing. only can get in about every 2 weeks though. Problem with the therapist is he doesnt go strictly by the MB method so some of the stuff is counter what we say here. He does force me to deal with MY feelings though which i tend to shelve since im focusing so much on breaking up the A.


Its is some consolation. Just was a rough day. Gonna probally just take the ambien early and hope i sleep more than I did last night. Only got about 3 hrs sleep.



i read some other threads. Seeing their wives slowly come around is comforting. So many people just say im wasting my time. Even her own friends. Her best friend basically told me she wasnt worth the pain I was putting myself through.

In the end this is something I MUST do i know however hard it is. I wanna have a clear conscience if DD4 asks my why mommy and daddy arent together anymore.

YEG, it sounds cliche`, but this will get better. You are really doing amazingly well, all things considered.

If you are like me, you want to see immediate results. Sometimes you feel that by just thinking about it you can WILL it to happen. I am logical, and I think "OK, I have listened to these people. I have done steps A-D like they said. Why is she still wayward? We should be recovering by now." Problem is I was listening to their advice, but not all their warning and cautions. Big among them is them telling me "this is going to take a lot of time". I get it now.

You are still getting some good advice. Do some stuff that YOU want to do. What made you happy before the marriage? Ride a bike. Exercise (great stress relief and method for positive change) regularly. See a movie. Read a book. Eventually, it will not be an all-consuming mental trap and you will begin to function a little better.

Maybe it would help you to write down all the reasons you want to recover your marriage, so when the going gets tough, you can look at it for motivation. I say this because you are going to have some bad days still. Sometimes it feels like you are making progress and then you will take a giant step backwards. It is a roller-coaster ride from he!!. Buckle up.

Just know that you are not alone here. Post here to vent or check out other threads. You will be surprised on how much good advice and tips you can pick up from others' threads too.

I know what you mean about other RLP (Real life people) suggesting to let it go. My family and WWs sister have told me the same. The thing is, you need to do what is right for YOU. Dr. Harley has a proven method after years of experience. I have faith in that.

I have been following your thread here and I see a lot of the same crap I went through. Some of the best advice I received was to stand up for myself and be a man and that's where I'm starting to see you at now.

You know that she has not gone NC right? He is still contacting her and now she is shopping for a pre-paid cell phone. Plan A is about meeting her needs and eliminating LB's but at the same time you cannot be a doormat. She is still contacting OM so you are being a doormat. Stand up to her and let her know that you will not stand for this and be strong enough to not let her babble get to you.

It's simple if she continues to have contact with OM you have no chance and plan A means very little. Tell her to cut off OM period and don't let her say she needs time to decide this is your family you are talking about.

Your FIL seems like a great guy to have in your corner make sure you keep him informed of everything you see. My FWW parents were the greatest thing for me. They supported me and also put serious pressure on her to knock her crap off.

Yea im painfully aware of that.



I have. So far every contact Ive re-exposed to her parents. If i see the phone I will make it unusuable but I dont think she has gotten it yet. From the tabs I kept on her she didnt have time to make it to the store.

Since the 4th I only have 1 VERIFIED contact attempt. That was a text that he sent her on the 10th. She did not respond back on either house phone or the computer.



Im working the OM pressure side of it. We are going to follow up today with his COC.

he is providing alot of support. He helped his other daughter go thorugh the same thing. Both the FIL daughters have now had an A. Hes a good guy and he deserves better.

Update.
WW spent last night with her parents. SHe finnally is talking to me somewhat. Ill see what happens tommorow. Hopefully she can get past me moving back in.

I dont mind giving her time alone to think. I jsut wanna be in the house together to supervise it.

Latest update

I got a text at work today. "We need to talk tonite"


Immediately my mind started racing. Is she going to agree to NC? Is she telling me its over?


Rest of work was terrible. Kept thinking about what it was about. Finally the time came.


She wanted me to move back out the house.

She is saying that its too soon and she needs space. She needs to decide if our marriage is worth saving.


I was devastated. I had let my hopes get up and once again dashed on the rocks of Plan A. I know its a marathon not a sprint but for a minute though I thought I might be the exception.


I asked her if she had talked to him lately she said one time for about 10 minutes. That hurt too.


I know not to believe the WW babble of "dont know if our marriage can be saved." Thats babble 101. They all say that.


I told her that I would allow her to have time without me but I would stay in the house. If she needs time to think she can do it at her parents or upstairs in another part of the house.


I asked her to respect me enough to not contact him. She agreed to that and I told her I would ask her about contact and would appreciate her being honest with me. She agreed to it but I know thats a lie too. I cant control what she does at another house.


I have the GPS ready for installation. Just need to get the time to put it on. Hopefully Ill get it tommorow.


As far as the current plan it remains pretty much the same.

Plan Aing WW. Im trying not to focus too much on the past. Just showing her how ive changed without being too preachy and pushy. its definatly Caught her off guard.


Still pursuing stopping the A at his end through COC.


Meeting EN
-She has agreed to a date night. That will give me a chance to sshow her im willing to get out of the house
-The out of town trips was a little much pressure I think to soon. Ill present the ideas to her and see what happens. it will show im willing to meet it.
-I think she likes the new stronger man. At least she says she does.
-WW is still spending alot of time with her parents. I can live with that especially if she is being monitored
-Im trying to avoid LBs. I agreed to her spending some time apart from me to think. Its minimal risk and shows her im willing to let her make up her own mind rather than bullying her.


Questions

The WW said basically told me that she has had to make the decision alot of times in the last few years to continue in the marriage or quit.
She says she needs time to make up her own mind because this one is for all of the marbles. She says she know at this point she cant continue her relationship with us both. its one of the other.

This sounds like typical WW babble. What should i take from it though?

I know I can't trust her that she will try to keep us both if possible. Just wonder if there was anything i coud derive from it though.

Is it usual for them to need time to make a decision? How long do they usually need?

Im pretty much in a holding pattern until she makes up her mind on NC right? Nothing I can really do but avoid LB and try to meet EN right?

YEG - I've only got a sec right now, but DO NOT MOVE OUT OF YOUR HOME!! That's the worst thing you could do right now. You will hear more on this later from many posters. DO NOT MOVE OUT NO MATTER WHAT WW SAYS OR DOES OR THREATENS!!!!

NOPE. What you do is YOUR plan. THis is where you have become a little confused about Plan A and have slipped directly into Plan DOORMAT.

Now did you read about ENs? Did you fill out the EN questionnaire as if you were her? There have to be some complaints she had about your marriage BEFORE she started her A.

Re-read the ENs. You will need to re-read about Love busters too.

She doesn't need time to think. She needs you to back off so she can continue with her affair.

Your plan of attack is to do a superb Plan A. Have you seen carrot and stick of Plan A ? Do you understand it? Ask questions if needed.

You need to devise a superb Plan A. Also, STOP WITH THE RELATIONSHIP TALK. You KNOW she is contacting OM. She knows she is contacting OM. She is still in an ACTIVE affair. You need to treat her as such. YOU CAN NOT TRUST HER. SHE IS LYING.

Don't leave your house. You also shouldn't agree to let her have space. Tell her that you thought about it and you will not let her have any space. Don't tell her she can sleep somewhere else. She is your wife, she should be sleeping in your marital bed. If she doesn't want to, don't tell her you condone it. You may as well tell her you condone her affair.

If she needs space she can find in in your house or elsewhere. DO NOT move out. I know you love her but she is trying to make things easier on HER not you or the kids. "FOG"


I know you are hurt and hoping you were the exception you knew you could be the norm.


Sorry about that. She very well be lying about this too.




Good job

I asked her to respect me enough to not contact him. She agreed to that and I told her I would ask her about contact and would appreciate her being honest with me. She agreed to it but I know thats a lie too. I cant control what she does at another house.

[quote=YEG]YEG, you do know asking this will fall on FOG ears. So why ask now?
I have the GPS ready for installation. Just need to get the time to put it on. Hopefully Ill get it tommorow.

Keep working TEG. It must be tough but keep coming here for advice from people who know where you are and where you are going.

YEG,

Calm down, take a deep breath. Unfortunately these latest developments are just par for the course for a WW. Just know that your situation is no different, and many of us have recovered. Just another day on "As the Wayward World Turns." Remember, we told you that she is an addict who will refuse to give up her drug willingly. She'll try to negotiate just one more hit, and then she'll do it again. That is why you take the decision out of her hands by exposing to OM's CoC. Just keep following up on that. I would also give OM a call as well. You tell him to stay the hell away from your WW because every contact he makes will be forwarded on to his CoC, and that isn't a threat, it's a promise. If he values his government pension, he'll learn to drop it ASAP.

Again, calm down. You've got about 6 months of this, so try not to wear yourself out.

I did NOT move out.

I told her I would stay in the same room that ive stayed in for about 6 months.

If she needs to go elsewhere in the house she can. If she wants to go to her parents house i cant stop her though.


i have. I know where I goofed before. Some are easy fixes (travel and what not)

Others are much harder (supporting her in the way she wants to be supported)


i told her I would not tolerate her talking to him on the phones I control nor would I tolerate her slipping out to be with her. I told her I will fight for her every step of the way that im not going to allow him to take my wife and family.


To be honest im not near as upset as last night. last night I was like a baby. I prepared for the worst today so I wasnt exactly surprised when it happened. I WANTED it to come my way though.



im keeping my hands clean with the reporting buisiness. I have friends working that angle for me.

Are you saying that you are letting your friends talk to his CoC? Have you not actually spoken to him yourself yet? Do you realize that this makes you look like a wuss who is too chicken to make a fuss for his wife??

I hope it is just because your friends are in the military and know the right people to get this moving. Otherwise you need to do it yourself. Either way, you call up OM and let him know you will NOT be f'ed with.

OM CONTACT

Talked to the OM today. He answered his phone at work.

Was about 10 minutes. He didn't exactly say much. I told him that I had the phone records and a PI report. I told him I know exactly when they had met. I TOLD him to NEVER contact my wife, daughter or anyone in my family AGAIN.

All he could say was you need to be having this conversation with your wife. I told him HE was the one who barged into MY marriage. He CHOOSE to do commit the A.

I got pretty worked up one momment and the guy told me to calm down. I couldnt believe it.

I told him what would happen if he ever contacted WW again. His 1st Sgt questioned him about it earlier so i can get him for violating a direct order.

So in reality I know this is just going to make them go underground deeper. Im watching though. He knows I DEMAND that he stop talking to my wife. He knows im not weak.


IMO im not the only one that the WW lied too. I dont think he had a CLUE I knew as much as I do and can prove.

ANd yet he's shocked that WW would lie to him? Pardon me while I

Good Job!!!! You have put OM on notice that you are not rolling over and playing dead, that you will fight for your family, and that there will be SERIOUS consequences if he insists on continuing with this.

Even though you may be fired up right now, when you're around your WW, keep your cool and be the best husband you can be. Follow up on your exposure to his command. It would be so much more effective coming from you as the betrayed husband though.

Oh, and if your WW is in contact...prepare for some venom. That would also let you know they're contacting each other.

And then just forward that contact to his CoC and get him AGAIN for violating a direct order. He'll eventually learn. It's just takes waywards and affair partners a little while to learn.

Slam dunk for YEG!!

Yea he should have known better. Hes not a stupid guy and I think he is just learning what a huge hornet nest he ran into.



Well the initial guy tried to say that there wasnt anything they can do. He said he asked him about it but was very sketchy about it.

He basically made excuses for him. He spewed garbage like hes gonna need more than pictures of them eating together. I got a GPS track and pictures of them going to a hotel on a overnight trip. not to mention 12 months of phone records. Hews just trying to protect his boy and its sickning.



Its only a matter of time. If she tells me about it it basically narcs him out though. So it will likely be passive aggressive. Thats more her MO. She hasnt learned its not really effective anymore. With holding affection from me has already happened she cant hurt me anymore with that.

So if she is pissed at me for no apparent reason its a good litmus test.

Anyways its another hurdle in their A. I just hope this is finnally enough.