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Joined: Mar 2010
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I hope we didn't scare her off - or if we did, we just scared her off posting. I hope she took to heart our advice.


Me & DH: 28
Married 8/20/05
1DD, 9 mo.
Just Lookin' and Learnin'
HIYA!
Joined: Dec 2006
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Me too... Rissa, me too.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
Joined: Aug 1999
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Cheezits,

First let me welcome you to Marriagebuilders. I think the problem here is really very simple. All it require for you to make the best decision for yourself is for you to read Harley's articles on this site.

I would start with the two policies: The policy of Radical Honesty and the policy of Joint Agreement. If people are not honest and they don't hold to their agreements, the likelihood of a good marriage are small.

Then look at the concepts of a good marriage and meeting needs. If one of your needs is an open and honesty partner in a marriage, then he is the wrong guy.

Here is something for you to consider. When/if you get married you will make vows that state you willl "love" your spouse thought sickness and health, good times and bad. The love that is being discussed is NOT a feeling it is an action. Feelings come and go. You feel "in-love" with this man but are his actions those of a loving man? I don't think so.

You need to assess and learn what a good marriage is before you can assess whether or not your BF is in fact a good candidate for you. From what you have said it is no, he is not. However, you must reach this conclusion yourself and I would strongly urge you to read the articles here, ask lots of questions about what you read, and THEN assess this relationship you are in.

I don't know why he would need to silence ex if you know about her already, thus I don't know why he would need to be speaking with her.

Now it is true that you two are not married but his actions, his lack of openness, if not honesty, and his obvious lack of commitment, don't jibe with the concepts of a good marriage as discussed on this site.

Please read the articles, please ask lots of questions, and then please figure what a good marriage means to you. I believe if you do this you will arrive at the best possible answer for you.

God Bless,

JL

Joined: Apr 2005
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This is a really good place to come with that question, actually.

Many of us on here have been betrayed by someone who was genuinely marriage material when we were married, and later they let their boundaries down and did things they never thought they could do.

You found out early on that this man doesn't even make the cut to start a M, never mind finish one. That is a real blessing, and one you should be thankful to God for, before you have little children who depend on a mommy and a daddy.

With the best of circumstances, your chances of experiencing infidelity are 50%.

If you continue on with this man, they jump to 100%.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
Joined: May 2000
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I think one thing that we have learned is how much it hurts to be betrayed. It hurts anytime you are betrayed - and it doesn't matter who betrays you....it still hurts

So, if we see someone wading into the water of betrayal we want to urge them out. We don't want them drowning in it....and, with the recent floods where I live, I know that it takes only 6 inches of strong current to knock a person off their feet. 6 inches is not a lot.

Maybe we came on too strong. If so, I'm sure we didn't mean it in a hurtful way - I KNOW I didn't. However, it is better to have us speak honestly than to have your heart ripped out.

Joined: Nov 2008
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Cinderella is right...infidelity HURTS....If it hurts you now, we just want to save you from the incredible hurt when it happens after you have been married a long time...Its horrific.

You are young, please move on while its at this early stage....before you get into a WORLD of pain...There are good men out there that dont cheat and they are easier to catch when you are young.


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
Joined: May 2000
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Yeah, we don't mean to be cruel...we just want you safe....now and in the future. Many of us have the "BTDT" t-shirt and we know you don't want it.

Joined: Apr 2010
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Cheezits,

Coming from the persective of the cheater, as I am one, don't get yourself into this. Like they have said on here before, we (wayward spouses) never start out with the intention of doing this. At least I didn't, it just came about because I dropped my boundries. This guy sounds like he has no bounderies from the get go and is planning on doing this after you get married. Espeacially if he thinks he has no ramafications of his actions. It took the fear of losing everything I hold dear to me, wife & kids, to wake up and get help.

I thought I was a godly man too and yet I did what I did and have great remorse for it, if he is pertraying the godly man and is not showing any remorse then he is not really a godly man at all, especially if he is treating you like this before you even get married. To paraphrase something my wife always tells me, if he loves you the way he says he does then this should not be a try he should just do.

Please listen to the betrayed spouses and veterans on here and get out now while you can. They know what they are talking about they live it everyday and I can attest that if he does this to you after, and he most certainly will, it will destroy you to no end, I know I see every day what I have done to my wife. Please take heed and be careful.

God Bless and you are in our prayers.

Last edited by naveguy; 05/12/10 09:33 AM. Reason: forgot something

Me: WH 36
Her: BW 35
DD: 6
DS: 3 months
M: 11 years
DDay: 2/10/10
NC: Email 2/25/10
Trying to recover....
Joined: Apr 2010
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Yes, I have to chime in here. Marriage will complicate things soooooooooooo much. I "LOVE" my WH so much too. HOWEVER... I will not EVER continue to be his wife, if I find out any other affairs happen. I dont even need proof. I Love him more then life itself, but I refuse to live my life in YOYO fashion. Now that I know all the dispicable things he has done, I am really not 100% sure if I am staying yet. I am in the process of "trying" to give him another chance, and he is showing me he wants to recover. He is going to church, participating in the family with the kids again, he has put gps on his phone so I can see where he is, and has given me all his passwords to his accounts, I have full access to his phone bills to check behind him, and he has sent a no contact letter to the OW, and a pretty hurtful one at that. He has been working on making himself totally transparent. Letting me have full control. Your guy should be trying to make you feel safe with him. He should at the very least change his phone number and make it very difficult for these other women to even contact him. You should have full access to things. Trust me, if he is not willing to do these things, then that is your red flag. My WH is doing all of these things without me requesting, he is doing them on his own. Even going as far as to look up spyware things for me to spy on him. Please at the very least see if he is willing to be "transparent' for you, before you make any decisions. If not, that should be your answer loud and clear.


Me: BW 35
Him: WH 36
DD: 7
DS: 1yr. M: 12yrs
DDay: Feb 10 2010
**Always speak your mind.....even if your voice shakes**
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