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#2372330 05/12/10 03:57 PM
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suamico Offline OP
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Warning....big rant whining coming!
Our Son started dating a girl that lives 3 hours away. They talked on the phone and IM's. Every few months they would see each other. We figured this wouldn't last long. Here we are 1.5 years later and we are at our whits end. Reading here about WS and their fog I am shocked at how similar a teenager in a toxic relationship acts like a WS.
This girl is 1.5 years older than our son. She is already 18 and a Sr. in HS. Our son will be 17 in July and he is a Jr. in HS. Over time we noticed she was very needy. She claims she is just sensitive. Now we see her as manipulative and very passive aggressive. She is an only child. She had claimed her dad was very mean. There is always a crisis with her. She is also a drama queen. Over the past few months the phone conversations have gotten longer. He even used all our cell minutes for the month in a span of 7 days. It has gotten so bad our son's social life is non existent. He goes to school, comes home and tends to his garden while waiting to talk to her. Well the poop hit the fan last night. (side note, we are christian and we have talked to our kids about waiting until they get married. We know that may not happen we just try to teach them about their faith and hope they make the right choices.) Last night our son was on the computer again. My husband told him he needed to use the computer. Our son opened a new window but didn't shut his window. After DH was done he shut his window and saw a IM between the 2 of them. She said "My boobs hurt" he said "I can rub them for you." and she put a smile face. Poor DH was shocked. DH shut the window, disabled the internet and told me what he saw. It was bedtime so we decided I should e-mail her mom asking her to call me. Then we would talk to our son today. I talked to her mom this AM. We agreed they need to talk less and and we would talk about the IM and their physical and emotional relationship. We also agreed to tell them around the same time so one won't call the other warning them. She suggested 8pm tonight. Well apparently she couldn't wait. I went on yahoo to IM with DH and my son was still logged in. She had IM'd him at 11am saying she was so very sorry. We all have FB accounts (yes I got it to watch our kids) and my son not knowing anything posted on her page. One of her friends posted "wouldnt say she had the best of days". That means she has already told all her friends. To say I am upset with her and her mother would be an understatement. I am mulling over what I am going to say in the e-mail I send her mom. I thought letting her know what is going on with our kids was the right thing to do. Now I wish I didn't say anything and just talked to our son.


W (me) 44
H 43
Married 19 years
DS 17
DS 15
DD 13
DD 8
suamico #2372927 05/13/10 12:00 PM
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I know that, when I my daugher left her account up and I looked at some of her emails a few years ago, I was shocked. Called the boy's mom and we talked about it. I busted her to her dad.

(I had not been expecting to find photos of his....equipment....or what amounted to porn fantasies that my daughter had written.)

I am the adult. I pay the bills. If I take the modem from the computer, I can do that because I own it. I pay for the cellphone and the service. They are mine.

That doesn't always endear me, however.

We planned to have joint talk with both kids but another crisis came along and they broke up.

BTW, we went to complete transparency. I got all the account addresses and all the passwords and she knew I had full access to everything. If she needed/wanted to use the computer, I had to log her in as I was the administrator and I changed her password for all access and I sat beside her while she used it.

Yes, she was 16 at the time. Remember, these means of contacting the world are not NECESSARY. They are customary or ordinary but a cellphone is a convenience. A computer is a convenience.

Self-restraint and self-control are learned behaviors.

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suamico Offline OP
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Originally Posted by cinderella
I know that, when I my daugher left her account up and I looked at some of her emails a few years ago, I was shocked. Called the boy's mom and we talked about it. I busted her to her dad.

(I had not been expecting to find photos of his....equipment....or what amounted to porn fantasies that my daughter had written.)

I am the adult. I pay the bills. If I take the modem from the computer, I can do that because I own it. I pay for the cellphone and the service. They are mine.

That doesn't always endear me, however.

We planned to have joint talk with both kids but another crisis came along and they broke up.

BTW, we went to complete transparency. I got all the account addresses and all the passwords and she knew I had full access to everything. If she needed/wanted to use the computer, I had to log her in as I was the administrator and I changed her password for all access and I sat beside her while she used it.

Yes, she was 16 at the time. Remember, these means of contacting the world are not NECESSARY. They are customary or ordinary but a cellphone is a convenience. A computer is a convenience.

Self-restraint and self-control are learned behaviors.
We took the cell phone away from him because he was abusing it. We have been monitoring their (our children) computer use and the computer is in the living room. I realize he is responsible for his actions. We have tried to raise our children to become responsible caring adults. The problem is her parents do not monitor her actions. Her mom is a face book friend of hers and she never commented on the mass amount of posts back and forth. This girl posts from her i-phone several times a day during school. I know the first time I caught one of our kids doing that would be the last time. It looks like she got in big trouble for this one. They haven't talked and she hasn't posted for 2 days. Funny thing is our son doesn't seem to be upset about not talking to her. This may be the final straw that breaks them up. Of course I know there will be other girls in the future but this one may be tough because it is his first GF.


W (me) 44
H 43
Married 19 years
DS 17
DS 15
DD 13
DD 8
suamico #2373142 05/13/10 03:25 PM
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Thank your lucky stars that they didn't make you a grandmother-- that happened to me. Good job on staying on top of this.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Originally Posted by princessmeggy
Thank your lucky stars that they didn't make you a grandmother-- that happened to me.

and me MrRollieEyes


Recovered marriage, recovering self, life gets better everyday laugh
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Thank your lucky stars the girl isn't accusing your son of raping her and trying to have him thrown in prison.

That's what's happening to us.


Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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suamico Offline OP
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Originally Posted by princessmeggy
Thank your lucky stars that they didn't make you a grandmother-- that happened to me. Good job on staying on top of this.
That was my fear. Well that is going to be my fear with all 4 kids until the last one gets married. That's a long time!


W (me) 44
H 43
Married 19 years
DS 17
DS 15
DD 13
DD 8
writer1 #2373536 05/14/10 09:35 AM
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suamico Offline OP
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Originally Posted by writer1
Thank your lucky stars the girl isn't accusing your son of raping her and trying to have him thrown in prison.

That's what's happening to us.
I am so sorry you are going through that. Were they dating long? Are there any character witnesses for your son?

If she accused him of rape we could come right back and accuse her of statitory rape because she is 18 and he is still 16.

My DH and I are trying to help our son find a job so he can keep busy over the summer.

Last edited by suamico; 05/14/10 09:37 AM.

W (me) 44
H 43
Married 19 years
DS 17
DS 15
DD 13
DD 8

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