Hi I am in my mid40,s and have been married to my wife for 21years. We have 1 son (15) and a daughter (11).

My wife recently started a new career in the medical field. She realy loves her job and is an outgoing and attractive woman in her mid40's too. However, her scedule requires her to work weekdays from 1PM to 10PM. This schedule has been in place for the last 7 months. I have been very supportive and don't mind handeling all the school evening
duties. But over the last month after a couple of working late nights I got a terrible feeling that she was having an affair.

The more I thought about it the more I started to convience myself.

I am jeoulus of her new friends and life away from us. I did some snooping but can,t find any evidence that she really didn't work late. I also was not able to find any new or old male friend communication. My feelings where so haevy that I told them to her. She has assured me that she loves me and that she is faithful.

However, I can't understand how she can be so happy spending that much time away from her children and husband. I had to keep pressing her to commit to finding a schedule that was better for our family. Last week she agreed and requested a change
in her schedule. She was not happy about it.

But, 2days Later she had to work late again and my doubts returned. We had a good weekend together and I felt better. Now it is Monday and my feeling is back.

What should I look for ? How do I stop this feeling? I don't want to push her away, but don't understand what my gut is telling me. There are other little things that raised my suspicion. But the main thing is how happy she is with a schedule that allows us very little rime together.

I continue to research online and at
one
moment trust her but at other times don't.

Any advice would be appreciated. The thoughts of this are painful even if they are only thoughts.

Thanks.

If your gut is screaming at you like this, you should trust your gut. Not your wife. Snooping is in order.

Does she have a cell phone?
Can you be where she works to see if she leaves early, or with someone? Can you go into the building where she works?
Do you have access to her computer?
Are you able to go through her personal belongings undetected? You need to look for notes, phone numbers, etc.

Don't bring this up to her again. You're flagging her that you are suspicious, and if she's up to something that will drive her underground.

I have searced unknown numbers on her cell and they have all Che ked out as females. I have noted her overtime on her paystubs and although I can't see the exact hours that it is for her is overtime hours noted.

I have snooper her phone and have not found any communication to a potential male.

I did find a a curious name and number in her purse, but could not find any addtional information.

Hi SicFeeling,

Welcome to MB!

Just a few qestions so we can better see where you are coming from..

- Is this the first time that your W has worked ouside of the home?

- Have either of you ever been through an A in the past (this includes an Emotional Affair)?

- You mentiond that you support your W by helping the kids with their evening routines... Did you and your W discuss her working hours BEFORE she took the job?

- Have you read the "basics" here on the website?


After reading your post, but without knowing more of your 'history'... It could be something as simple as your W being excited about finally being able to get out of the house and earn money at a job she enjoys. If she was a SAHM for all of these years, she's probably enjoying some of the "freedom" of earning her own money.

Most people don't automatically think their spouse is "cheating" unless they've experienced it at sometime in their past. It could have been personal knowledge, or just observations from friends, family, or co-workers. That' why I asked if either of you have dealt with an affair in the past... If your "gut" is telling you that something isn't quite right, then I'd tend to say - Trust your gut instincts.

Anyway, please let us know a little bit more about your situation. The more you can share with us, the easier it will be for posters to provide answers and feedback.

Semper Fi,

RIF

Before we have this guy jumping off a cliff, I agree with RIF.

Here's an idea, why not talk to her about her day at work and be interested in her experiences that day? She might just be excited to tell you all about the interesting cases or why they were so busy that day that she had to work OT.

Not only will this ease your mind, it will meet the important emotional need of conversation that has to be lacking right now with the new work schedule.

Let's look for the easy, constructive solution first.

Thanks RIF and Schoop.

Here is a little more information. My wife worked part time before at a preschool. It was greatfrom an hours standpoint, but not very fulfilling for her. So this is the first serious career effort since the kidswere born.

No past A's for me and I don't think she has either.

We did talk about her scedule and I said let's see how it goes after several months. It is good for her. She doesn't deal with rush hour traffic likes to sleep in and has less evening responsivities.

Last week I told her my fear and told her that the schedule is a big part of it. I worry about my kids too.

I have a good job and we are not hurting finanicially (thank God.)

She agreed after several long discussions to seek a schedule that will give her more time with us.

I have deeply expressed my pride in her and how much I love her. We had a great time together this weekend but now it is Monday and my feelings came back.

She also called sick to work today, she is working around the house and picking up our daughter from an after school activity. I Thought it a little strange for her to call in.

She assures me that she loves me and there is no A.

I did have a bout with depression 8 years ago and was on anti-depressants for several years. I have been off solid for 2 years now. Part of me wonders if depression could be causing my fears.

My snooping has produced dead ends. There are 2 names/numbers that I don't know about. But, cell phone records show nothing. It is the feeling that I struggle with.

My daughter and I visit her at work on occasion and I sometimes need to see her at her work.

There were lots of little things that bother me. A missed appointment at school, new underwear worn to work, new friends I don't know But have met(female), and several worked till or past midnight in the past 5-6 weeks.

Sorry for the long post. I want to believe her but don't want to be played a fool either.

I sometimes think that being away from her and very much attracted and in live with her that this is some kind of wake up call for me/us.

Hey SF,

Based on what you've shared with us, I don't think that your W is having an A.

You mentioned that you've visited her work place... does she have a desk or office? If so, why don't you get some family photos of you and the kids and put them in some nice picture frames and give the to your W as a "back to work" gift from you and the kids?

Also, you might want to talk with your doctor and see if a mild ant-anxiety med might help..

Semper Fi,

RIF

I don't want to downplay your concerns, but these things really aren't that big, sic. These are things that come up when you're juggling a job and kids' schedules. And hey - a girl's gotta put the new panties on and wear them somewhere, right?

It is positive that you are able to go with your kids into her work area. It is positive that there is really nothing coming up on her cell phone records (cell phones are generally a main point of contact with affair partners.)

Still, if your gut is griping, be aware.

Thanks to all.

I will continue to monitor the cell, any other things to watch?

Agree with the cell phone, it is the preferred way to conduct an affair. If it were happening, there would be hundreds of calls and/or texts to a particular number over the course of a month.

Once I suspected something, I waited nearly two months for a bill to come in the mail, yet never saw one. My wife was intercepting them. Then I got up the gumption to check her phone one morning while she slept. Waywards are really quite sloppy until they've been caught once (or twice, or half-dozen times).

Exactly!

Keep your eyes open, but I would recommend trying do things that will meet her emotional needs, rather than grilling her or snooping too much.

If you notice an increase in calls or texts to a single phone number, the it might be time to snoop a bit more.

Semper Fi,

RIF

There were some repeated texts that turned out to be a female friend at work.

I am able to monitor cell usage regularily.

I guess my concern jumps around the working late that happened severAl times. I did verify overtime pay but can't see what the actual hours were.

To ease my worries I would like to watch her walk out to her car at the end of her shift, but don't want to leave my kids. I also don't know how I would be able to do that and beat hr back to the house.

Hire a PI...

Call her on her phone and ask her to stop and pick up a loaf of bread (milk, whatever) on her way home. Pick an item you need right now so she won't be able to blow it off til the next day. OH! I know! Toilet paper.

Is there a trusted person who can watch the kids for a little bit? Tell them a friend's car has a dead battery and you're the only person around who can go help them jump-start it.

The impression I get in reading yoru posts is that you're very insecure. Don't take this as a personal attack. You haven't said anything that really gives me the impression that she is cheating.

If she's is in the medical profession she will have unusual and long hours. It's not weird that she has had late hours.

I get the impression that this problem lies more with you than with her.

She would be aloof, nasty, and mean if she was an active WW. You have instead described her has being very reassuring.

Are you threatened by the fact that she is now working around many more men given that the preschool environment is predominantly female?

Is there a midlife insecurity involved on your end?

Other things to look for are a pre-occupation with how she looks before she goes to work. Does she dress up an unusual amount for her job? Is she suddenly taking care of her appearance?

This board is full of men who have been betrayed. We know the signs and I have yet to see someone here really jump at the possibility that she is cheating.

You need more evidence, but you also need to take a hard look at yourself. Is the insecurity with you?

I have an uncle that is so jealous that he didn't let my aunt travel by herself to my brother's wedding for fear of cheating. It's the same reason why he doesn't let her work. He's insecure.

I'm asking these questions to challenge you, not to attack you. They are the type of questions a counselor might throw your way if you brought your concerns to him/her.

Are you getting enough Undivided Attention time between you two during the week. Its recommeneded at least 15 hrs of quality time without kids and other distractions.

Sounds like you miss her - nothing wrong with that - request her to spend more time with each other - most women would love their husbands to ask for more time together.

Plan a weekend romance to a bed and breakfast or something of that nature.

Lack of UA can bring in independent behaviors and so forth where either spouse is susceptible to having an affair. So while you should snoop to make sure the line has not been crossed - make the necessary adjustments to prevent an affair.

One thing we all know here - it would have been easier to prevent that dang affair then having to repair the aftermath.

I actually hopeand pray it is just me.

Would the fact that she 'forgot' a parent teacher conference and than shaped up late to the one I rescheduled be a sign? This is way out of character for her.

Like I said lots of little things along with a 'feeling'.

The feeling went away for awhile this weekend but returned this morning.

I have read alot about signs online, but thought this forum would be a good place to learn more first hand signs.

Again thanks for the advice and support .

SF

SicFeeling,
I have been a SAHM for almost 17 years. I am currently looking for a job but have had no luck. I have very little "dress" clothes. If and when I do get a new job I will be getting new clothes. I also will put 110% for the first year of work to prove myself. With working full time I may "forget" things. I suspect your wife is very excited to be back in the work force. I love being home with the kids and I wouldn't change it for anything but it can me draining.

OK

I think it is my I security, but everytime something as innocent as stopping for groceries makes me wonder if it is an excuse.

Yesterday she called off from work and cleaned our house like crazy. It needed some attention but after asking her about what was going on it makes me wonder if there is some guilt or avoidance of some one at work.

All I have is a couple of strange texts and unknown names an numbers. There is no 'hundereds' of calls or texts.

I am feeling somewhat reassured by your responses, but still am looking.