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#2371881 05/11/10 07:03 PM
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Ok haven't been here for awhile, I do lurk some!!!

Have been seeing a guy that is 5 years younger then me, we hit it off great. Have been selfish and spending time alone, getting to know each other.

Said that he is struggling as he doesn't see how he can be in a relationship and not include his kids and family, but isn't ready to introduce us yet. Huh?

I suggested that we accidentally run into each other at the park or somewhere, where there could just be a simple introduction. "Hey this is Miss Dawn a friend of mine." "Dawn these are my kids, a, b, c,d."

Then he could introduce the subject of his dating later in the week, feel out the kids and then decide whether he introduces me as something more then a friend.

His kids need to be #1, as they were there before me and will always be there, I may not be. My ex really screwed this part up and I said that I wouldn't let anyone screw up because of me! His kids are 7, 12, 17 and 19.

He has meet 2 of my kids and all of my grandsons, and my brother, hasn't meet my parents yet though. My kids are older, so I haven't had to deal with this.

Any thoughts or suggestions for me as this is new territory for me????

I really like this guy and his concern for his kids well being, makes him even more special!!!

Thanks all,
Dawn

Last edited by daybreak; 05/11/10 09:39 PM.

BS 49
Divorced 10 yrs/married 21 yrs
Life is good and I am happy!
Engaged to be married on the 4th of August 2012!
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Well I got a phone call tonight, said that he had introduced the subject of him dating with the 2 older boys last night and that they reacted positively.

They said that they didn't want him losing himself in someone else's family and forgetting about them. He assured them of that not happening. They said that they just wanted him to be happy, and then asked if he had meet someone, he replied that he had.

Says that he will bring it up with the younger two, at some point this week, when the time is right.

Still looking for suggestions as to how I handle all of this!

Dawn


BS 49
Divorced 10 yrs/married 21 yrs
Life is good and I am happy!
Engaged to be married on the 4th of August 2012!
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I don't have any suggestions, I never looked at "meeting the kids" as some kind of a big deal. In fact, I think it's imperative to meet the kids sooner rather than later, as I see no point of getting attached to someone and then realizing that the kids are a dealbreaker.

I don't mean to meet them on the second date, but if it's been a few months and things are pretty serious, just meet them and have fun. What's the big deal? smile . It's not like you are going to be their mommy or something.

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I'd start by being "friends" around the kids rather than immersing them in your relationship which shouldn't be relative unless you have made a commitment to each other. I don't think it's a good idea for the kids to get too attached to someone that may or may not be around in their lives next year. IOW, take it slow.


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Well we aren't serious yet, but believe that it is headed in that direction.

He was struggling with being in a relationship and not having his kids know about it! I suggested bumping into each other at the mall or park or something, didn't like that idea.

But I feel that I do need an introduction at some point soon, as me not getting along with them or them not liking me could be a deal breaker! They need to be #1 at this time in his life! And I am ok with that!!!

I agree friends in front of the kids is where we need to be, nothing more then that.

I've never wanted to be a step-mom, I was never an aunt so I am thinking that is the approach that I am going to take at this time!!!!

Thanks for the thoughts!!! Keep me in your prayers as I venture forth, this is the first guy that I have dated seriously since my divorce in 02.

Later
Dawn


BS 49
Divorced 10 yrs/married 21 yrs
Life is good and I am happy!
Engaged to be married on the 4th of August 2012!
30yoS&DIL & 2 gson/27yoD-Divorced & 3 gson/21yoD
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Dawn,

I have no advice about the kids except that even if they don't seem to like you at first there is no reason to throw in the towel w/this guy. My children were rude to my BF at first, but now everything is great. I received encouragement and advice from the people on this board, and it all worked out fine.

I really just logged on to say that I am very happy for you and you rock!

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Thank you Starving for chiming in!!!

I work with kids 7 days a week at every different age level, and get along very well with kids of all ages, I am sure I can get along with them and turn it into something fun!!!! I have a very silly/goofy side to me. It's just whether they will allow me the chance. This is new to them as I am the first that dad has dated. That is what is scaring him the most, is that he doesn't want them getting attached to someone.

Mom is dating, am not sure if the kids have meet any of her dates yet or not. Not my concern. She has custody, but he has them at least 50% of the time! So at this point we aren't getting to spend much time together as they are with him.

All of the woes of divorce and single parenting!!!! It is what we make it!!!

I was truly looking for someone with kids out of the house and in the same place as me in those regards and I found him!!!!

Have a good weekend all!!!

Dawn


BS 49
Divorced 10 yrs/married 21 yrs
Life is good and I am happy!
Engaged to be married on the 4th of August 2012!
30yoS&DIL & 2 gson/27yoD-Divorced & 3 gson/21yoD
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Hi Dawn!

I remember when I met my BF's kids for the first time. We started dating in July and he insisted on me meeting the kids in September - I thought that it was rather quick, because all the books I had read said that it's a much better idea to NOT meet the kids unless the relationship proves to be a long term relationship.

I asked my BF back then if meeting the kids so quickly was a good idea. He matter of factly said that it was very important to him to arrange this meeting asap. He said that he really wanted to move forward with the two of us, but there was absolutely no sense in doing so unless his kids and I could get along. He was even more determined for us to meet because I never had any children of my own, and was unsure of how I would handle a man with children.

His kids were older at the time, his youngest was 15. He had been divorced for quite a few years (6 to be exact) before I walked into the picture, so his kids were a little more accepting of the fact that their Dad was out in the dating world, hanging out with people other than their Mother.

Our meeting was a Sunday afternoon miniature golf date - which was a great idea. Not a stressful dinner thing where we all sat around staring at one another, trying to force conversation. The youngest had a bit of trouble with me back then, as I now was getting some of her Dad's attention, but I worked very hard to let her know that SHE is #1 in his life, not me. His older two really could care less about me one way or another. They were not rude at all, but they didn't jump into my open arms either. With time, patience and effort our relationships have evolved.

It's been 5 years now, and I've watched those kids grow into wonderful, mentally healthy young adults. They have really become very important to me - and a very important component of mine and my BF's relationship. I have told him on more than one occasion that I'd be more devastated if we broke up - because I would miss his kids being a part of my life.

Good Luck Dawn - you'll do just fine!




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Truly,

Thank you for sharing!!! I appreciate the encouragement!!!!
These kids are #1 in dad's life and I will not allow it to be any other way.

We did miss the boat on Friday night, as we both ended up at the car races. It could've been just a causal Hi, but they were a head of dad and took off, he was lagging behind and spotted us, he did come over and introduced himself to the daughter that he hadn't met yet, we are going out to dinner with her on Friday night.

So small steps are being made.

I like the mini golf idea, or bowling as they are both something that we like to do!

Will keep everyone posted!

Dawn


BS 49
Divorced 10 yrs/married 21 yrs
Life is good and I am happy!
Engaged to be married on the 4th of August 2012!
30yoS&DIL & 2 gson/27yoD-Divorced & 3 gson/21yoD
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"These kids are #1 in dad's life and I will not allow it to be any other way."

Dawn,

Gotta disagree with you on this one and I will tell you why. One of the reasons marriages fail is because the kids are put 1st and spouse takes a back seat. That is one reason my bf�s marriage failed. Once I pointed this out to him, he thought about it and agreed that his marriage suffered because of this. We have both decided that his kids and I come first depending on the needs and timing, and he and my kids come first to me, depending on the needs and timing. A person can have 7 kids and they all come first, so why not have 1 spouse, 2 or 3 or even 4 kids and they all come first?

A



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I really really agree with Anna2000. Still it's hard to put into practice sometimes. I spent the first two and a half years of my son's life putting him first...even over my XH, because I felt that my XH didn't put anybody but himself first, but that's another story.

Point is learning to refocus and make first place a joint thing with kids and partners is not easy. And it's very important to make sure that the kids don't feel that they are being replaced and that you still love them and make them a priority even though there is a new person who is special in your life.

I have had to work really hard at this with my feelings for BF and the guilt that everyone seems to put on you about "loving someone new more than your kids". I have heard people say that you shouldn't love your new partner more than your kids or even as much as your kids. I wouldn't say that I love BF more than my son, definitely not, but I do love him equally and think that he deserves an equal part in my heart to my child. Especially since he is willing to give my child a big place in his own heart.

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Anna, I get what you are saying, and for right now we are just dating and they will be first period.

If things progress with us, then we will discuss a balance that will need to be made!!!!

Thanks, Though!!!

Dawn


BS 49
Divorced 10 yrs/married 21 yrs
Life is good and I am happy!
Engaged to be married on the 4th of August 2012!
30yoS&DIL & 2 gson/27yoD-Divorced & 3 gson/21yoD

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