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#2377161 05/21/10 07:56 AM
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Hey all,

Need your opinion on a situation with my BF, R, of a little more than a year. His ex was the cheater; she�s still in a relationship after 4 years with this guy. I think they may be discussing marriage. So R�s ex asked him to split the cost of a huge graduation party she is having after graduation for their daughter. He told her only if the cheater guy doesn�t show. She is not willing to do that is paying for the whole thing. He told her that he'll never pay for anything where cheater guy is involved.

He also told me that it is uncomfortable and he doesn�t want his family there or his dad and mom with that guy there, and he will never pay for a wedding or anything if the guy is there.

So I thought he also wouldn�t want to show up. He says no, thathe does still expect to go and plans to talk to his daughter about being invited, and he says he thought his daughter would still send the grand parents invites and let them decide. He also talked about all the other stuff he did pay for on graduation and prom.

So I am confused, he says it is the principal of the thing that he won�t pay, he says that yes he and his parents will feel uncomfortable there but he will still not miss it, he just won�t pay for it�

I am also thinking his ex is not giving in because she knows they have bigger events to come, like weddings etc. And if plan to get married, I am sure she is thinking that she won't leave her new husband out...at the same time, I don't blame R for not wanting to pay for something with that man there, but not sure I understand him still wanting to go when he says it causes stress and that it causes stress with his parents and family. What a mess!

I would love to hear what everyone else thinks on this without giving too much of my own opinion at first.

I also see a lot of resentment still built up in him...another issue.

Thanks!


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The secret to happiness is wanting what you already have. ~anonymous
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Anna,
I think he needs to man up and remember that this day is about his daughter and not OM. I totally understand his feelings, I wouldn't want to be anywhere with my ex' OW either, but if we had kids together and future graduations, weddings, birth of grandchildren, etc. I'd do what I could to live peaceably for the sake of our kids. You have to realize what it does to the kids to have all of that tension at every special event in their lives. If I was a child in that situation I might be tempted to say forget it to both parents and go live my life without them. who needs the strife? They didn't ask for it.
I think there's an inconsistency in his principles, he doesn't want to pay for it but wants to attend? That doesn't make sense, that just means he doesn't want to fork out money for his daughter's event.
My kids' dad insisted on having separate graduation parties (his side of the family and my side of the family separately), I thought that was ridiculous as the kids' friends wouldn't want to attend both, it's a busy time as it is, and it made it less attended, since he lived closer to town, everyone attended his and not mine, so it was really pretty stupid, how much better it would have been as a cooperative effort. I don't see why people can't make an attempt to get along and see this for what it is, the KIDS' day, not ours.


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Wow, that's tough. I personally would contribute some (whatever I felt was reasonable- not necessarily half since people tend to spend more than I think is necessary for such things) and go to the party, BUT I can see both sides of it:

On one hand, she cheated, and if I were him I wouldn't want to subsidize any more of her lifestyle than stipulated by the agreement, because that also provides a financial benefit to OM (and those kinds of things are built into most states� CS calculation)

OTOH, if it were my daughter, even if I didn't want OM having a good time on my dime (by paying for part of this party), I would want to support my daughter by being there (if she wanted me).

When it comes to future events, like weddings, maybe he can try a different tack if he still isn't over the resentment of OM:

Personally, I think weddings are overstated and more often for the mother's sake than the daughters (though I don't know enough to know if that will true in this case). So if I was your ex, when the wedding day comes, rather than saying I don't want to pay since OM will be there, I'd probably say something like, �I don't believe in extravagant weddings, so instead I will give the couple a nice gift/contribute to the honeymoon.�

4 years seems like a long time to still be bitter though...must have been very hurtful for him


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Daisy,
Is that the stance you would take if the parents were not divorced? Why should a person do any less for the kids just because they happen to be divorced? It's not the kids' fault.


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To me, a graduation party is all about the kids, not the parents. So, if in general they split kid expenses (college, cars, day care, etc), then I think it's appropriate for him to split the cost of the party as well. If they use some other arrangement for their kid expenses, that should apply to this as well.

I don't really see how the OM figures into whether or not R pays for the daughter's graduation party. It does not "richen up" the OM, it is an expense for the kids.

AGG


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Thanks for the advice so far. I have very mixed feelings with this.Everyone made good points both ways. This is about R's daughter, that is a given. I think both R and his ex are struggling with the fact that it is her day and this is a cloud on that day. I agree that it is tough for him to know he is paying half on a party that the ex's OM is gong to enjoy, and that some day he'll be asked to pay half on the wedding and reception that ex's OM is going to enjoy as well.

In my opinion, if I were in his shoes, I think I would tell ex I would tell her that I would pay a 3rd. R says he is not going to pay a dime to any event with OM is there. He says he'd welcome her dating any other guy but not this guy. This was R's friend before she had the affair with him.

Also, if I was R's daughter, I would tell my mom to just ask OM not to show up and not put stress on her day...

I am not sure where I should go with my role on this and how much R advice I should give R.

If I were the ex WS,( can't see that but let's just say that for argument sake) and I knew some day this guy would be married to me, then I would send invites to R and his family and tell him, on this one, he doesn't have to pay but hope he shows.

R pays CC, and a lot of it, he pays so much more than most parents would pay, way more than what he is legally responsible for. He deserves to be there whether he pays or not.



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Oh and if I were the OM, I'd bow out gracefully and let it be about R's daughter. I would do something special with her later...

Although, who has ever seen an OM or WS be that unselfish.


The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.
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Originally Posted by kaycstamper
Daisy,
Is that the stance you would take if the parents were not divorced?

I don't know- my situation is different. Like I said, I personally would contribute something, though if his ex is anything like my mom, it wouldn't be what she wanted. Some people throw extravagant parties, and if my ex wanted to throw an extravagant party, I would only pay what I felt was reasonable (or I could afford). My mom tried to get my dad to pay for half of my sister's wedding. But he wouldn�t get to walk her down the aisle, our step dad would, so he refused. And I don't blame him for it.

My ex does not contribute to our son- no Christmas gifts, etc, but he does pay CS. Right after the divorce we cooperated on our son's birthday party (we agreed that I would supply the food and he would supply the gifts). Part of this is because we were trying to keep things quiet for the church�s sake, but now the word is out and he no longer has to keep up appearances. I do not tell my son he does not contribute, and my son is too young to suspect this. My father never contributed, and my mother never told us, so we never suffered emotional effects of this.

But if he had cheated on me, and he and OW were hosting a party, I really don�t know how I would feel. That�s why I said I can see both sides of it.

I could see how someone would say "On principle I�m not going, and I�m not paying."

I could see how someone would say, "I�m hurt, but I love my child and want to show my support so I will pay and attend."

I can also see how someone would say, "On principle I won�t pay, but I love my child and so I will attend."

And I can also see how someone would say, "I�m hurt and I won�t pay, but I love my child and so I will attend."




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Well I hope he doesn't put a gulf between him and his daughter by his "principles". Also, I don't think it's fair to put the kids in the position of having to ask OM not to come. If Mom and OM had the scruples to see that much then OM never would have been in the picture to start with, right? Also, this really isn't about OM's enjoyment, who's to say he'll enjoy it? He's along as Mom's escort, it's not his kid, he could probably care less about the kid or the party. It's not like he raised her.

I can see paying 1/2 of a reasonable amount, an ex shouldn't put an undue amount on you to pay if you can't afford it, that's why those things should be talked about.

I remember after my divorce, my ex made over $5,000 per month, about 2-3 times as much as I did, but when he took our son elk hunting, he said our son (translated: me) needed to pay $100 for his share of the food...just a way of gouging me, he was going to hold the kid hostage to his favorite dad/son event of the year unless I coughed up some $ for it. When he took them camping, same thing. He said that was what he paid child support for, so he wouldn't spring for any food when the kids visited him. What a cheap ___! The kids remember these things and I'm sure it didn't affect them favorably. I had to pay all of the senior items, photos, graduation announcements, etc., he would contribute nothing ("that's what CS is for") but I gave him pictures for his side of the family all the same, to me, I was going to do the right thing whether he did or not.


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Anna - I see a solution that has not been proposed yet.

I would take the share of money I would have paid for 1/2 of the party, put it in a CD or brokerage account in my daughter's name, to prevent her mother making it about the money.

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What kind of party would they have had if they were still together? Would it be less extravigant or the same?
I would pay 1/2 of what I would have paid because this is just going to damage his relationship with the daughter if he refuses to participate. Sure the OM will be there, but honestly how much is he really going to enjoy this? It would be better for the Dad to show up and get the glory.

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Why is the focus on the OM and not the child. Who cares whether the OM is there, not there, or whatever.

It wouldn't matter to me one way or the other and I would contribute as I felt I could afford, felt necessary, and desired to for my child.


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Well, the party is over and he went without his side of the family and without me there and without paying. Wrong choice to me, but that is what he did. :-(


The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.
~~Socrates

The secret to happiness is wanting what you already have. ~anonymous

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