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#2377408 05/21/10 01:46 PM
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I have been writing on another post since this began. I spend countless hours trying to figure out what to do and why this is happening and how I can turn it around.

I didnt blow the lid off the affair with his family and friends when the A was exposed but I thought we were going to work it out. I thought I could spare the rest of the people who love him the pain. obviously, I was wrong!

When he left it became obvious to his family and mine that something wasnt right. Even though we live in a different town we have family get togethers often and when he didnt show up to the last one questions were inevitable. Rumors and gossip has spread to friends and before we knew it friends in our home town had heard the gossip.

Now, he has filed a petition for divorce. That is all that has been done at this point but he calls every other week to ask have I sign the "acknowledgment" and filed it yet. As soon as I hear that my world falls apart all over again.

I have gotten advice to focus on myself and to focus on me and my kids. I am doing my best.

But, he and I are planning to talk soon and I will have the opportunity to be show him that things for us can be different. Changes can be made and we can find a way to work this out.

Mothers Day came and he showed up with a hug and a Mothers Day Card. We all went to grandparents house for the day. We all spent the day together almost as if nothing happened. He offered to come by and make some repairs around the house. When we all got back to the house he had come by but was locked out. I think it made him mad. The next day he sent me a message asking about the D papers.

We have talked several times since then on the phone. Mostly, I talk. He listens. I realize that I cant change his mind. I just want the opportunity to help him see our lives can be better than ever if he would just learn from this as I have. I think this happening has given us the opportunity to make our marriage better than ever. To learn things about each other and be so much happier than before.

Do I have any hope? Everyone was so right that he was eventually going to leave me. He did!!! He sneaked out just like he did the first time. He hid where he was staying for a couple of months. He called and took me to lunch and dinner but after a couple of months sneaked into my house again and left Divorce papers.

He isnt seeing her. She is seriously seeing another man. I dont know if he is still waiting on her but I suspect that is the case.

What do I do? If I give up and dont have anything to do with him I am afraid I will never have the chance again.

How do I handle this that will lead me to the best chance for him to come back to his senses. TO open his eyes and see what he is leaving? He may not come back. Probably wont unless I make the necessary steps.

The Plan B involves complete distance? No contact? Should I just let my lawyer handle everything and whatever tactics necessary to get what I need as a settlement. He has threatened to "expose" things about me that I will have to explain to his family and mine and the kids. There is nothing that he could say that would compare to his A but goodness knows what he would be capable of if my lawyer embarrasses him and reveals all the "nasty" A for all to see. I dont want to hurt him anyway.

Just need some advice from some that may have been here. Do I just give up and cut my losses or is there a chance still left that I will ever see my husband again?

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Is he still communicating with OW? Just because she's seriously seeing someone else doesn't mean anything when you're dealing with cheating personality types.

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This is what I think you should do, write him a Plan B letter, you are in the control here not him. Don't sign anything until you absolutely for sure think you can't save this marriage. You should not be talking to him, texting him, emailing him, etc. Find someone who can be the IM so that you don't have to speak to him directly. The reason why he is still coming back talking to you is because you are filling that need that he's not getting from the OW. Once you are gone completely he will realize that he does miss you and he would want you back. Be strong! Don't let him back until you know that he will meet your conditions.

Do you have any kids? If so, that will be one of the reasons why he would want to come back, because he wants his family back. Look up some Plan B letters there are a lot here on the MB site.

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Yes. He may very well be talking to her. I was able to see his phone records up until a week or so ago. I believe he was talking to her behind her boyfriends back. He was continuously calling one of her girl friends place of business at the first of the day and then at noon and again at the end of the business day. This only started several weeks after he had left. I just put 2 and 2 together and decided they are talking on the phone and meeting behind his back like they used to do behind mine when he was home.

She cant be what she professes to be to this other man. They talk about they are each others gift from God. She is either miraculously saved and all this is just specualtion or she used God like she uses people. Either way she is a sad excuse for a human being in my eyes. Would it be a bad idea to expose their relationship to her boyfriend?

It is very hard not to communicate with him. But what you say makes sense. I used to say he gets his "family fix" and then he is good for a while.

My lawyer insists that he needs to involve depositions and questions to reveal the A so that we can get a fair settlement. My kids are college age and therefore legally he has no obligation to them except my youngest who is 16.

How do I know he is ready to talk? I just wait for him to come around? He is very proud and very stubborn.

I say a letter someone wrote on a post. He was the WH. IT was a letter to other WH that said thing WH need to hear. It mentioned all sorts of things that I think would help my H if he would only listen. Would it be a good idea to send it to him in an anonymous email. It would probably tick him off. And, it would send him here. Marriage Builders where he can read my posts.

What do you think?

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Hey Sapphire. I am going to write a plan B letter and send it. I believe everyone is right in telling me to not talk to him. That is what I will do. I just pray for strength to stick with it. I also pray that he will let go of his stubborn attitude and go with his heart. I know from hearing his voice that he is missing us and is afraid to admit it. That may be just what I would like to believe. There is just one way to find out.


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Have read a lot of posts on here this weekend. I havent written a Plan B letter yet. Today is the day we are suppose to meet and talk about all of this. If he decides he wants to meet I will try to talk. I hope he will do the talking and I can listenfor a change. Depending on the outcome I plan to hand him the letter.

I have read on here many that ask how to forgive their WH for cheating. Somehow, I have not had that problem. He really hast asked for forgiveness. I just cant seem to forgive myself. It is easier to take the responsibility for it all and know I can change.

So, I suppose the Plan B is what I shouldve done all along. I cant "fix" him and it makes me so sad! I dont knwo what to say to him in the letter. Except jus to tell him that until he is ready to completely cut the OW from his life I cant have anything to do with him. He can contact hekids directly. If he needs to make contact about the D he should call my attorney

I am not ready to say it is over but its not my decision.

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Lost, have you read the basic concepts and Coping with Infidelity to the right of the screen? Have you gotten the books? I don't think that you are ready for Plan B. Plan B should be preceeded by the best Plan A that you can muster given the circumstances and Plan A is where you meet the ENs that he will allow you to meet and help him to realize what he will be missing if he goes ahead with his D plans.

How old are your children? How long have you been married and what was the state of your M before this A? Don't throw in the towel too soon.

You are no longer alone. You have stumbled into the best place to help you save your M and a support group that will give you advice and comfort to keep you from going nuts while you do.

God's Blessings,

Say


Me, BW-57
FWH 54
4 kids and 4 grandbabies between us
In recovery since D-day, May 28,2007
FWH never onboard the MB boat but still clinging to the side.
One day at a time by God's grace.
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Just read this post, Lost. Hold off on the Plan B letter until you have heard from more of the vets on this site. Plan B must be very carefully planned for even if that is your next step and I think that it is not.

Use today's meeting to show him the new you. Do not be clingy or tell him that you love him. Try not to cry. Listen very carefully to what he has to say. Maybe suggest some family activities and if he does not wish to be included, olan them, go ahead with them and let him know how much fun you had and how much he was missed.

There is hope, Lost but hope in itself is not a plan. Once you decide on your plan and stick to it, you will feel mush better about yourself, impowered.

God's Blessings,

Say


Me, BW-57
FWH 54
4 kids and 4 grandbabies between us
In recovery since D-day, May 28,2007
FWH never onboard the MB boat but still clinging to the side.
One day at a time by God's grace.
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 895
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Just started reading your other thread, Lost. I am going to church now but will read all of it when I get home. Do you feel that you have done a really great Plan A? If so, then it is probably time to plan you Plan B but do not do it on the spur of the moment. Post your letter here and continue to seek advice.

God's Blessings,

Say


Me, BW-57
FWH 54
4 kids and 4 grandbabies between us
In recovery since D-day, May 28,2007
FWH never onboard the MB boat but still clinging to the side.
One day at a time by God's grace.
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lost,

You really should not have two active threads on the same problem. You have posted much the same point to your other thread today. It is much better for people to see your story and the responses in one place.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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ok. I will post on the other thread since it has the background for what has happened for the last 7 months. I am just completely lost now and I donot have a clue what to do anymore. I juat cant accept Divorce. I just cant seem to get through to him. He is getting too far away.

I am going to the old thread Say. Sorry it this made it hard to follow. I appreicate your responxes.


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