|
|
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 3,146
Member
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 3,146 |
He was well aware of everything he was doing..... EVERY wayward knows what they are doing is wrong...... Why else would they lie and keep it all a secret? This is the norm for waywards.... And, Yes, All waywards are screwwed in the head! The up side to your situation..... Your H is not that same man anymore. He is not that piece of chit that he was while lying and cheating. He is not continuing in a deceptive, scum sucking affair. He is being open and honest again. He IS making the changes necessary to be the man your family deserves. I will continue to pray for you and your children.
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 2,589
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 2,589 |
I have not posted to you before for the same reasons. You have been getting great advice. I agree totally with maritalbliss's comments. My H had conversations about our intimate life with OW, to include many, many very personal things about us and our family. And he lied about it. And each time something new was revealed, it was as if it was another D-day and everything that hinted at recovery was set back again. Your H appears to be open and honest about all your questions. I kept coming up with questions until I finally had no more. I finally realized that having intimate conversations is what people in affairs do- they talk and talk and attempt to justify the A in their head by how the spouse at home behaves. Of course, it is totally bogus and deep, deep down they know it.
I think you are doing the right thing with the move. And I wish you the best.
AM
BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757 |
...He was in no fog during this relationship... Broken, it takes one heckuva fog for a good man -- one who cares more & knows better than to hurt his truest love in this way -- to choose to ignore his conscience. It takes one heck of an arrogant, self-entitled man to choose to take each successive step on the road into an affair. It takes one heck of a weak, fearful, self-centered man to choose to lie about it for months on end. It takes a broken man, a more humble man, a more decent man, to be able to look the one, whom he swore to protect above anyone, in the eye and tell her the awful truths about his choices and to put himself at her mercy. Your husband has been all of these men. You now know which he was a year ago. Which is he today?
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 3,834
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 3,834 |
B5S; Sorry that you have to be here. I have read DH71's thread, and tried to offer him some support. I am going to post to you my Dday: I am LG, my BS is Flamingo. 10 minutes later, my cell phone vibrates. It's Flamingo. I don't answer it.
5 minutes later, other call. I realize something's up. I walk out of the meeting, talking to Flamingo.
F> LG, I just got a call and a woman said "I don't deserve him!" and hung up.
LG> What?
F> she repeated it, and then said: What's going on?
LG> Don't worry, I'll take care of it. (Mr Fixer....)
I then listened to the message that Flamingo had left.
That was the most amazing and powerful ILU that Flamingo ever said to me. I saved that message as long as I could, and then one day, without notice, Verizon deleted it. I saved it over a year. Da@n Verizon.
THE cat was out of the bag.
Flamingo suspected, and thought it was someone else, for about a year.
She calls me at the office. Let meet for lunch. We need to go over some things. Ok.
She calls me back.
I'm committed now. I understand a little bit about MB. And I also know I have been lying for a very long time. I personally vow to myself, I will answer any question, with complete honesty.
F> LG, how long has this been going on?
LG> 5 years.
F> 5 YEARS!, OMG! Any Children?
LG> No Children.
F> OMG!, LG, how could you?
LG> silence.
F> OMG, She hangs up.
Just after that, OW calls me, she's on her way. She was at the park, and I wasn't there, what's going on?
LG> It's over. No more Lies.
OW> How could you!
LG> I think you know why now, for sure.
OW> BUT YOU WERE OUT OF THE HOUSE!
LG> Yes, BUT SHE CALLED ME, and ASKED ME to COME HOME.
OW> hangs up.
F> Calls back. I need more than Lunch. I just told my supervisor what I just found out. And he told me to take all the time I needed. "Can you drive me home?"
LG> Yes, I'm on my way....
I avoided OW that day. She called my cellphone incessantly. But she did not come to the house.
Flamingo and I sat on the couch. We talked. She asked me all the real big questions first....
WHO?
Any others?
STD's
Can I afford this House without you?
Was DS ever exposed to OW? No, not directly, and you were there.
Overnights?
Then we started to get into the details
She raged sometimes, but was amazingly calm. Thank you MB.
I just spoke. Times, places, what happened, She would ask questions and I would answer.
The big picture came out. She got more details later. I was debriefed over the next three weeks. Literally.
We had to go get DS from school. We had talked for 5 hours at that point. When we returned to the house, DS went out to play and we heading to the privacy of the bed room...
That's when I started rubbing her feet, with lotion. Something she really enjoys. I broke down and cried. THAT was the real turning point.
She knew going forward, that I had changed. I had turned a corner. She knew I was different, but she just didn't know it for sure until then.
She was different as well. MB had provided just enough protection.
I had also ordered HNHN at that point, and she knew it. I had also knew about the MB weekend in Philly in Oct 05. We signed up for it five/six days later.
Friday? The OW shows up at my office. She walks in, and sits down. "You need to talk to me."
LG> Stay on that side of the desk.
OW> Why?
LG> Because it's where you belong.
The phone rings, it's Flamingo.
F> Hi! what's up?
LG> OW is here right now, she just walked in.
F> I'll be right there.
LG> Please hurry!
LG> to OW: You can go now, she will be here in 5 minutes.
OW> No, I'll stay.
Flamingo shows up.
Why she didn't ******-slap OW I will never know. But she smiled brightly and sat down.
15 minutes later, OW stood up, and walked out of the office.
That was the last time I talked to her. Flamingo talked to her two more times. Once thru the door, when Flamingo locked it and F told her that she wasn't wanted here. And the next time, about 10 days later, after we had caller ID installed, she called, and F picked up.
That was a close to a B-slap as you could get.
And that was it. Flamingo told the OW the time she called 10 days later that if she attempted to contact me again, Flamingo would call her (then) 18 year old son and tell him in very explicit detail what his mother used to do on my office floor. Don't try to get info from a OW. They will lie to get whatever result they want. And that may be just pain for YOU. It may have NOTHING at all to do with getting the WH to come be with tham. I posted that portion of my story to reveal the most importatnt part to you. The part about asking questions and getting answers to those questions. I remember standing at my desk when my DW called me that morning, and I made a promise to myself that I was going to be honest going forward. I knoew the difficult and embarassing questions were going to come. But I was committed to answering them, honestly. I posted this to DH71's thread today: My point is that you need to start revealing to B5S what you DID talk to OW about. You mentioned two upsetting things,
that you two DID talk about what you were doing was wrong. Well, Duh!, But you kept DOOIINGGG IT!
The honesty helps alot. So be more honest.
Start listing, on note cards, one subject a card, what you talked about with OW. Everything. Baseball scores. weather, Cars to buy/Like, Vacation ideas, sexual positions, about ten subjects abour Your wife, Your children, your job, her job.
Put those cards in a "hat" And hve her pull one out, and then you talk to B5S about what you and OW discussed. And you reveal everything. Where you two talked, for how long, and the context of the time, placeand what was going on around you.
Reveal it ALL. Expand the answer. If the question is: Did you go to the Beach? Bad Answer: Yes. Good Answer: Yes, we went June 5 to smith beach. We left from hometown at 8, I drove, she was in the jeep with me, we arrived at 10, and we stopped at the X diner and had french fries and cokes. We parked at the manhatten hotel at the beach. She put the coins in the meter. We hung out at the beach, in the sand from 10 to 12:30, then we went for lunch, we went to Dairy Queen, on the beach we talked about.....
See the difference?
She can add some cards to the "hat" as well. Questions SHE has. Not just about convo's with the OW, but things SHE would like to address.
Get in the habit of answering and doing a mind dump. Do this for about one hour twice a week. The rest of the time, try to just do MB things, like UA time, and avoiding LB's and other L$B withdrawals.
Eventually, the "hat" will no lnger have any cards in it. It gives you two a way to share what happened when he was with OW. And reveals ALL HIS SECRETS with her. Some of that truth may hurt you alot. It appears that although you do get hurt BY THE TRUTH, that you STILL NEED the TRUTH. Some BS' need every detail, and others only the overview, and each BS is on that continuum. You can look at a card, and put it back in the hat if TODAY isn't the day for that convo. If DH71 is giving you the truth, then that is a very good thing. LG
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 3,093
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 3,093 |
b5s,
I, too, spoke with the OW. She lied to me, and she also told some truths.
The problem was her "truths" were truths that "worked for her".
My H told me Radical Truths. Sometimes those truths hurt deeply. They were important for me to know, because I had to have that information in order to use it to reformulate the idea of my marriage in my head.
You see, I had an idea from MY PERSPECTIVE of what my marriage was.
But what I needed to understand was what my husband's perspective of the marriage was, too.
At the time he was having the affair, we had some similarities in our views of the state of the marriage, but we had some differences as well. I thought some things about what he thought of me, and what he thought about how I felt about him. I was wrong about many things! In turn, he had his ideas, and he was wrong, too. But by the same token, we meshed well on other things, and we were right on many things, too.
I was devastated by the affair. I was devastated that my H had shared what I considered to be intimacies with the OW. The outcome was that I came to know more about how my H felt within our marriage - and then I came to understand more details about his affair as well. In the end, what he had to say to OW, while painful to hear, did help me in improving myself, and in making the changes to our marriage that I must admit needed to be made.
It was NOT the way I would have chosen to go about having to hear these things. It was NOT the way I would have had him let me know about these issues. Unfortunately, it was the way it all came about.
When the OW calls, you do have choices in the way you can handle her.
-you can get upset, and let her enjoy the fact that she gets to you
-you can get angry, and let her see that she is making cracks in your armor
-you can quietly hang up the phone and she will continue to call anyway until she tires of the game
-you can begin to talk about the football game or soap opera you watched yesterday on tv and refuse to stop talking until she just hangs up
-you can blow a loud whistle into the phone every time she calls
-you can pretend to breathe heavily into the phone and not talk at all until she hangs up
-you can just lay the phone down in front of the television and walk away with it off the hook and ultimately she will hang up
-just don't answer it if the caller ID says it is her
-block her number
-tell her that you have interesting photos of her and your next plan is to post them on facebook if her calls continue, then hang up
-tell her that you are now recording all of the calls and that your attorney is quite interested in the frequency and content of them
Take the power from her. You choose the method.
And if I were you, I would move to be closer to my H. You will get over your anger, it is part of the rollercoaster ride, I promise. Ride it out.
Schoolbus
Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 90
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 90 |
I read everything you are all saying. It is hard. when WH and I talk he tells me that he was happy in our marriage, that there was nothing I "did" to make this happen. He never thought of ending it....so why did he do it? I am angry...I don't want to give him the time of day right now....I want to let it all go....I am tired of hurting and tired of how hard this is. I am tired of people telling me how strong I am because right now I am so broken I don't know which way is up. I am not the same person, people I work with and my patients can all see the deep whole in me....I can't comprehend what he has done.....or accept it. I know I will never forgive it.....I know he is sorry, I know he regrets it....but he had discussions about this with the OW....he knew the consequences.....now he has to live with them. I am not sure I WANT to fix this. I am still moving...I made it clear that I am only doing it now so that he can be close to the kids and I can be close to my family....I don't think I have the strength to go through this.
BS 40
WH 38
married 1997
broken March 20, 2010 by reading an email
WH here deerhunter71
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357 |
I don't think I have the strength to go through this. Then ask yourself this question: Do you have the strength to go through it by yourself, without him? Because you have to go through it, either way. Which way do you think would be less painful, for you and everyone you love?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 3,093
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 3,093 |
I read everything you are all saying. It is hard. Without a doubt, one of the hardest things you will ever do. Your choice is to try to recover yourself and your marriage, or just yourself. when WH and I talk he tells me that he was happy in our marriage, that there was nothing I "did" to make this happen. My husband said these very same things. This makes no sense, yet he said these things. I wish that I could offer you logic for this. There is NO LOGIC. He was an idiot. A self-serving, mentally challenged, non-thinking, superficial, egotistical idiot. It makes no sense, and although you can try, probably never will. I am going on 28 years from his previous affair, and 5 from the most recent, and there is STILL no logic. He never thought of ending it....so why did he do it? He wanted what he wanted, when he wanted it. I can only reason that there was pure selfishness here, beyond that it makes no sense. I am angry You will be angry, sad, mad, hurt, needy, melancholy, numb, drained....and perhpas all in the course of 10 minutes. It is not abnormal following an affair. Can you do this alone? Without any answers? without support? ...I don't want to give him the time of day right now then don't - tell him that you can't right now, but maybe you need to leave the door open for tomorrow's mood...it may change.... ....I want to let it all go....I am tired of hurting and tired of how hard this is. You are in the hardest part of this fight. Right now, you are in the midst of the most difficult point of recovery - and that rollercoaster is the fastest, craziest ride you have ever been on. You didn't buy the ticket, and you cannot get off. whether you stay with him or not, that ride will continue. For now, my advice is to make nno decisions. Let the ride expire....ride it out...and let time make the pain die down, because whther you believe this or not, time does help to give you some perspective, some healing, some ability to think better. In the meantime, you can work on yourself, your needs, your own recovery. Trust those of us who have been right where you are - we know the hurt, the pain the crazy feeling the desire to just hide the need to run the screams that well up the chaos inside....we know it all too well. Yet we also know that by following a plan, a course, we made it through to the other side of all of this mess. One way, or the other, we came through. You will, too...
we are here for you
your husband can be there for you, too, if you let him
he wants to be...
I am tired of people telling me how strong I am because right now I am so broken I don't know which way is up. because right now you ARE broken, and at a weak moment. you will regain your strength
I am not the same person I won't lie to you - this event will change you. In some ways for the better, and in other ways the scar will be raw for a long time....but it will ultimately heal over...you will help in how it heals by your choices now. , people I work with and my patients can all see the deep whole in me....I can't comprehend what he has done.....or accept it. No one expects acceptance . You are grieving.... I know I will never forgive it I thought I would never forgive the men who raped me. I was wrong. Forgiveness was actually the release I found from the crime against me. An odd thing, but true....For now, you do not have to forgive him. Yuo need to focus on healing your own pain first, then worry about the next steps. Forgiveness is a process, and you are not ready to unfold that process yet. Allow yourself the time to grieve first. Do not push yourself. .....I know he is sorry, I know he regrets it....but he had discussions about this with the OW....he knew the consequences.....now he has to live with them. I am not sure I WANT to fix this. I am still moving...I made it clear that I am only doing it now so that he can be close to the kids and I can be close to my family....I don't think I have the strength to go through this. Whether or not you have the strength is not the issue. For better or worse, you are going through this - and the process is already before you. The ability is within you to make educated choices - you show that by coming to this site and asking for help, asking for advice, trying to understand the affair and searching for answers. You are in a very hard position, and you ARE handling this well - better than you think you are.....if you could only see yourself from the future looking back, you would see that you are doing things the best that you knew how. You ARE doing that, and that is all anyone could ask of you - that is all that YOU can ask of yourself.
I will pray for you to have peace within your spirit . I know where your heart is, I have been there myself.
My best love goes to you.
Schoolbus
Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 90
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 90 |
Wow....where did you get your degree? Everytime I read a post from you it just makes me sit and think. I really hate all these feelings that are enveloping me...I am irratic....Things may change, who knows....I don't see it right now.....I really hate him right now...and really angry.....and I don't see an end....but I know there will be one. Schoolbus...your words are so grand.....I am so thankful for you and all of you here...your right too...I don't feel like I am doing anything right now and it is hard to imagine that I may be doing good....it doesn't feel that way. I am however, constantly trying to think logically about everything I do and say. Always asking myself if it is the right decision....I guess only time will tell. It sure feels like time has stopped sometimes though. I will continue to come here for your advise and only hope that I too can survive this positively.
BS 40
WH 38
married 1997
broken March 20, 2010 by reading an email
WH here deerhunter71
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240 |
Broken, have you read some other people's threads that have recovered their marriages? Maybe you could see some similarities in them that are in you and see the advice that was given to them.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 3,093
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 3,093 |
For purposes of anonymity, I don't reveal the type of degrees I have, or where I got them.
I do have a lot of experience in what I do both in my professional life, in my research, my rather annoying need to understand and analyze the human mind, memory, learning, and behavior, as well as the work I do with the disabled and disordered clientele I also serve on my "own" time (yeah, I have "loads" of that!).
But when it comes to affairs, I lived through three that my husband has had. I also had a ONS a very long time ago, very early in our marriage. I learned a lot from the punches I gave, and the ones I received. I am a quick study, and my education since that long ago time has afforded me the ability to really analyze the mentation behind the behavior.
In my childhood, I survived long term molestation and rapes by a male relative; rape by another male; as well as physical and mental abuse by my father. Had child services ever been notified, it would be certain removal from my home due to the physical abuse alone - my father at one point actually shoved my head into a toilet. Yet I found the ability to forgive this - all of this....and more.....
In the process of forgiving, I found that this forgiveness thing
was the only relief I would ever find for MYSELF.
I know where you are. I have been there. Your words here could be my own, as I passed through the shock and pain of hearing, yet again, that my husband chose to cheat on me.
In our marriage, he had two affairs in the first four years. (I had a ONS in the first year.) We managed to recover our marriage, after a separation of about 3 months. When my H walked out the door for his OW in his second affair, he said these words to me:
"I do not love you, I have never loved you, and I will never love you."
And he left.
Three months later, he returned. Unknown to me at the time, I did a Plan B......the only time he ever saw me was when he picked up our daughter. I hardly spoke to him, even on the phone. Maybe it was a Plan B to him - it did protect my love for him. Anyway, he called, and I did still want him to come home.
Then, we were both faithful and changed our marriage....for another 26 years. Until right after our 30th anniversary, when he had this most recent affair.
And now, we are coming up on our 35th anniversary. I found it within myself to get through the pain again. It was harder this time.....yes.......much harder. There are still days when I wonder
WHY?
Even though I know there is no real answer to that question that would ever satisfy me.
My focus in life has changed. I have come to understand more fully than ever that
all of us are broken
some of us are more broken than others
some of us are broken right now, more so than others
and maybe tomorrow the others will be more broken then
if I count myself among the humans, I have to recognize that in that breath
I, too, am broken
and will face the need for forgiveness
just as surely as the sun rises and sets.
I can talk to you about forgiveness. When you are ready to think about it.
You are not ready. That is okay. Forgiveness is not the priority right now.
You need to heal from the shock, first. You need to BELIEVE that you can make it through this.
I made it through. You can make it through. Hold on to that which sustains your heart, your spirit, whatever it is that keeps you knowing that life is beautiful, breathtaking, and precious.
You will make it through.
Schoolbus
Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 3,093
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 3,093 |
P.s. Sorry that was long!
Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 3,146
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 3,146 |
Schoolbus, you share the peices of your painful past with such elegance. Thank you!
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 90
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 90 |
Elegance....that is for sure. Thank you. I know I have alot of healing to do.
WH and I had another bout of arguing last night (me arguing, him listening and trying to answer)I say hateful things to him...and I know he is hurting but I want him to hurt more. I can't believe some of the things that actually come out of my mouth.
Then, this morning he asked to talk to me before our children got up. He was up taking notes, reading 3 different books, trying to find the "why" and to give me answers. WOW is all I can say. I can't believe that even with all I have said to him that he would do that. I do have to give him credit for all his efforts...and I do have to stop wanting to make snap decisions. I don't know though if I can see this working even after the pain subsides....but I know that I just need to ride it out. I do hope that something good comes at the end of this....right now it is just so hard to see.
I'll hang in there...and I know I have to give credit where credit is due...and WH knows that I am seeing what he is doing.
BS 40
WH 38
married 1997
broken March 20, 2010 by reading an email
WH here deerhunter71
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 248
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 248 |
Schoolbus,
I have been struggling with carefully hidden resentment and whether that resentment means I have or have not forgiven my recovery-dedicated FWH. There are still however some unanswered questions about our past. Reading your beautiful response on forgiveness gave me a boost last night when I really needed it. If you can be forgiving of all those horrible betrayals, I certainly must get beyond my issues.
GY
D-Day EA 11/29/08
D-Day PA 12/12/08
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 90
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 90 |
So, WH left yesterday and I don't know how I fell about that. It's only going to be two weeks before all the chaos of us going up to where he is begins. You know, we talked alot while he was here but yet I seem to find so much more things to ask and gripe about as soon as he left....crazy what alone time can do. I can see why the 15hrs a week of UA time can make a difference. It doesn't give you the time to think of what has happened, or feel the pain of what has happened....although I don't feel I am at the point where when I look at him I know that is where I want to be, even when we are having a great time together. There is part of me still holding back......Well, you all may have some break time from my posts....soon it will be time to shut everything off and move....I will try and keep you all posted in the meantime. Thank you all for the amazing support you give here.....all of your stories are inspiring.
BS 40
WH 38
married 1997
broken March 20, 2010 by reading an email
WH here deerhunter71
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 716
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 716 |
I can't say I've officially forgiven my WH but because I've had a pretty peaceful Plan B (10 mths) I've been able to focus on my personal recovery pretty well. Of course I didn't start immediately after going into PB, it took a while to get my feet under me and stop the thoughts, anger, etc. But I eventually was able to get past that. Now I don't think about him as much and the anger I can control better by focusing on something else. And going to counseling was a huge help. I read a great book that helped me a lot. It's called Help and Hope for Hurting Wives, When He Leaves by Kari West and Noelle Quinn. I highly recommend this book. They are christian women who when through infidelity and had resentful WH's. They do a great job of explaining a lot and putting feelings into words. It left me feeling very hopeful about my future. Here are some things from the book about forgiveness: 1. "Forgiveness is a positive response to someone else's problem." 2. "You remember the injury but no longer react to the pain." 3. "...unforgiveness offers false protection by setting up a boundary of resentment that is unhealthy." 4. Forgiveness sets free energy you've used to nurture anger." 5. "Forgiveness is not a feeling." 6. "..is acting out of what you believe is right in spite of how your feel." 7. "Forgiveness is not about him, but about you. A forgiving spirit leaves you with a clean heart and open hands. Unforgiveness snuffs out the spiritual spark that propels you forward." 8. "If you have tried your best to effect healing in a relationship...but are unable to make any progress, pack your emotional bags and move on. You cannot limit your recovery because someone else refuses to go along with it....There must come a time after we have tried everything reasonable to confront our hurt feelings, when we must claim our freedom. It is our God-given right and our healing depends on it." I could just keep typing there are so many good things said in this book! I've highlighted the heck out of it! Anyway, what I finally came to realize is that I had to refocus my energy on my healing and stop the thoughts of WH. I also had to make sure I didn't hear things about him. That can really set me back because I did hear things and they weren't good things for me to hear. I finally had to tell people, don't tell me anything! In other words, a dark dark Plan B is the ticket. Forgiveness will not come quickly. I think it will still take me some time. The need for him to make it up to me, for him to hear and understand the pain he caused me, has dissipated a lot. Me being right in his eyes is not going to make me whole anyway. And I don't have any reason to believe my WH will ever repent or feel remorse. I just turn it over to God to handle for me. I'm willing to forgive and I'm going to just let God show me how. 
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 90
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 90 |
not a good morning today. How can someone wake up and feel horrible the second they do? It is amazing to me that I can do absolutely nothing but wake up in the morning and be so sad that I have to cry. I sit down and talk to myself...tell myself to let it go and to think of something else...like the move...then that doesn't really thrill me either....I mean, I am glad about moving, at least I made the decision to do that, but I am leaving so much here....It all does seem to be going alot easier (emotional wise) but I am still no where near making a decision on my marriage. why am I haveing such a difficult time with that? I am so lost, so alone (or at least feel that way, I know I am not alone)I have already contacted some therepist where I am moving and plan on doing something as soon as I get there. My brain is so twisted with different things I can't stand it. ( I guess I just answered why it is so hard huh? LOL ) have a good day folks....it's going to be a long one for me.
BS 40
WH 38
married 1997
broken March 20, 2010 by reading an email
WH here deerhunter71
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,820
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,820 |
Hey broken,
Hang in there girl, we all have bad days and days of doubt....
Try to look at the positives today, even if they are small, hang on to them.
Tomorrow will be better..........
Time is the answer here..........
BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 90
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 90 |
Okay, so I am now officially done work and I have been putting things aside that we are going to need to live off of until we settle in. I threw away stuff that my husband brought back from his deployment when the affair happened. I am sitting here thinking that it will never ever be the same, I will not feel the same for him and I will never look at him the same. Everyone says that it could be better, it will be better if we try....I really hope that is true....I have so much on my plate right now that I don't even want to think of anything...I am too focused right now on packing, moving and keeping the kids sane through all of this.
Oh, btw, I hope everyone has a safe holiday weekend.....
BS 40
WH 38
married 1997
broken March 20, 2010 by reading an email
WH here deerhunter71
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
653
guests, and
51
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
