The quickest way to get her attention and have any chance of getting things back is to act like you're moving on. Really start to do so.

That will get her attention more than anything.



Act like you've had a revelation, as if you are really enjoying the idea that you're a free man, and then start behaving like one.



You're divorced now. She's either in or not. If she's not, then she's just an annoying roomate who you have no obligation to support anymore.



Right now she's just using you. You don't see it that way, but that's exactly what she's doing.



I had a girlfriend who behaved exactly like your ex is now behaving. She was living with me and I suddenly realized I was being used. I finally decided I had enough, gave her an ultimatum to get out or committ to our relationship. I really thought she'd give me the "No one talks to me that way! I'm out of here!"



But the opposite happened. She respected the fact that I grew a pair, apologized for acting like she was, and said she wanted back in. She then asked for me to loan her money.



I kicked her out. Did I want to? No. I still loved her. But she was obviously using me.



You're that guy right now.

That

Ed, he is right. She is just using you. She needs a flop house.

I hope that you have not let your XW back into your home!

Yes, she has been staying at the house, although she stil has her own place. From what I can tell from old e-mails to/from the OM, he was crazy about her and she really liked him. So I'm not sure I can say that things didn't work out with him and she needs security. She has a good job and could survive just fine on her own. I think she feels terrible about what she did to our family and does not want to be away from us.

Honestly, her attitude has been much better about the kids and responsibilty around the house. She is friendly and nice to me, just not affectionate. At our next counseling session, we are going to talk about my needs in the relationship and how those need to be met if this is going to work. I did not expect things to change overnight, so I am willing to give it time.

I think she has a lot of shame about the affair (as she should!) and gets annoyed when I bring it up. I have told her she needs to accept this if things are going to work out. I also told her she needs to delete all OM's pics, old e-mails and contact info. She said OK... she simply said OK but it was clear that she did not want to discuss it in any further detail.

We have a session with our counselor this morning...

ed, can you do the Marriage Builders online course? They don't believe that marital recovery "takes time" and push you through a recovery program whose goal is romantic love. They assign you a coach who contacts you weekly and if you have any problems, then you can post to Dr Harley over on the weekend forum.

Traditional marriage counseling is about as useful as getting a pedicure because they dont know how to save marriages. They have an 84% failure rate and cause more harm than good.

Their program works FAST and doesn't mess around with any nonsense.

Your biggest issue is that your wife is wayward and most MC's are not going to recognise that state of mind and treat it accordingly. Dr Harley WILL. He will knock her on her butt if need be. That way he is the bad guy, not you.

I'll see if she is open to that. However, I believe that our current counselor does buy into the MB concepts. A lot of the articles they put out have a very similar message to Dr Harleys. She was also the one who recommended we read SAA.

In our session today I am going to bring up a few things and see what the counselors reaction is.
- my needs not being met
- her being annoyed or resenting me for spying and saying I am being demanding
- what is our plan to fix things

We will see how it goes....

Ed, is there a PLAN to affair proof your marriage and create ROMANTIC LOVE? What is the counselor's track record? There has to be a GOAL and a PLAN. Otherwise, you are just emitting carbon emissions for no good reason.

The session went well. The counselor made some good points...she said my xww attitude is completely dismissive about my feelings and this needs to change. My xww has a lot of shame and guilt about the affair, so it is tough for her to talk about. She still needs to accept my feelings though.

She also gave us homework...we each wrote down several things that make us feel loved. It is our homework to try to do at least one or two of these over the next week. We talked about other ways, other than SF to create emotional intimacy. The goal is to fill each others love banks over the next week.

I do not expect SF anytime soon, but I do expect to see progress and an effort on her part to meet my needs. There are other ways to show love and affection that we talked about.

ED,

You are being played. I was you a few short years ago!

Depending on your personality and your smarts, it could go either way. However, you show a little spunk when you divorced her.

Sorry to be so harsh but you should check out the web site:
http://www.nomoremrniceguy.com/forums/

You are the CLASSIC 'Nice Guy'. If I were with you in person, I may just push you around a little!

My advice:

1) Drop the Marriage counselor
2) Tell her exactly what you want...nicely and calmly.
3) Get her out of the house...now

I do not expect SF anytime soon.


Well, this is what you will get! I wonder if the OM expected sex?

You are now divorced. Your ex has no obligation to meet your needs nor do you have any to meet hers.

If she�s living with you and giving you grief for having feelings about her affair, then she can take her attitude elsewhere.

Watch how quickly she changes her tune if you grow a pair.

But still, there is NO obligation to meet your needs on her part and vice versa.

For now, you�re nothing more than a man she can leech off of until she finds a new OM.

You will not get anything until you grow a pair and throw her out.

The way I look at this, I have very little to lose here. I am already divorced with posession of the house and custody of my kids. Things can go nowhere but up and I am willing to give her a chance. For my kids sake more than anything. I also do think things can get better between us. I am not letting her push me around anymore. I have made it very clear that I will not be in a relationship with someone who does not give a damn about meeting my needs. I am willing to be patient, as long as she is honest, faithful and showing signs of progress in the right direction.

Maybe I'm being a fool, but like I said, I see very little downside here.

I'm ok with her in the house. It gives me a chance to observe her behavior. Like I said she has been helping quite a bit with household chores, grocery shopping, the kids, etc.

Ed, there is a huge downside here. First off, you and the kids can get attached to her again. She can treat you as badly as she did before. SHE is the one who nothing to lose.

She could also gain custody of your kids by living there. And that is what I suspect this is all about. She is there long enough to establish residency so she swoop in and get custody.\

The huge red flag is that she is holding secrets from you. People who have nothing to hide, don't hide.



But you ARE in a relationship with someone who won't meet your needs. She won't have sex with you. THAT SAYS IT ALL RIGHT THERE.

If things do not improve and I don't see any progress being made then I will ask her to leave. I'll have to ask my lawyer about the custody situation. I did not think she would have a leg to stand on since we are not married.

She has handed over all passwords, etc.

Is it realistic for me to expect sex right away? I feel like we have to work on establishing some emotional intimacy first and then sex should follow. I think this would take time, right?

Ed,you should expect that she meets your needs on DAY 1. She should get in the habit of meeting your needs.

Custody arrangements get re-negotiated all the time.

Ed,

I was devastated when my XW left me. After 8 months or I started to date again. My dates were out of town and 100 miles away. This drove my XW crazy. She had one of my kids go through my caller ID on my phone and report back to her the women I was calling. She called this women. It was quite funny...

The XW had moved down the street and was constantly emailing/harassing me. She cheated and wanted out, but wanted me at her beck and call. Similar to your situation, she wanted my money. That was it. She did not want me.

It took me months away from her to get a TRUE picture of my situation. I could not think clearly. You will benefit immensely when you get your XW out of your house. Heck, you can still see her occasionally.

She doesn't want you to move on.

Is it unrealistic to expect sex right now?

Yes. You're divorced. Generally doesn't happen.

She's actively wayward and holding secrets from you. Actually, they really aren't secrets anymore because she is no longer your wife and has no obligation to tell you anything.

Move on. I was in your shoes from the standpoint that I was divorced, but hadn't mentally accepted it. Kept me from moving on.

There are MANY downsides to what you're doing right now, including legal ones. Custody can ALWAYS be revisted. It can be redone. I had mine redone 2 years after the D and I get to see my kids a lot more now.

She is holding secrets from you. If she's not there to work on the marriage, then what is she there for?

IMO you should have NEVER let your XW back into your home until you were assured of her FULL committment towards an intimate relationship with you

One of the greatest regrets I have is not listening to the advice I was getting on these boards. I wasn't clear headed at the time, which is where you are. We don't have the emotional attachment you do.

You are now divorced. She has no obligation to tell you anything and vice versa.

Any relationship now would be like starting from scratch. She won't have one with you since she is still actively wayward and you are simply hanging on to hope.

She'll use that as long as she can to get what she needs before she finds OM2.

Kick her out on her a$$ and go to Plan B. She can only come back to you if she committs in full to your Plan B conditions.

Right now you're simply torturing yourself.

Thanks for the objective advice... I will talk to her tomorrow. She is asleep right now...cell phone hidden in a tissue box by the bed. Enough said, right. She needs to go...