Les Baer Premier II. Don�t leave home without it!




No need for labels. The guy was a pig. I'm glad he's gone.



Ummmmm......NO! It will hurt you. I don't see any value in this for you Bugs. Just sayin'




Me too.

Hey all!

You are right in that I am risking hurt with talking to R's GF and I appreciate the concern very much. She called again the other night and I had another hour of listening to her.

Honestly? It was very theraputic for me. I just sat there thinking to myself, "Thank God this is not MY life!". While I think she is a good person, she is allowing herself to be manipulated, controlled, fooled, and hurt. She knows she needs to get out, but can't make the break.

Apparently she packed his stuff and had him take it, but in the same conversation was talking about counseling & going to a wedding with him this weekend. She is more messed up than she knows. She's spending all of her time obsessing about what/when/where/how/who he is doing, knowing he is a cheater/liar, risking her future and the future of her kids for a guy she has only known for 6 months. She believes that because she 'knows' how he has been in the past, that it makes their relationship 'different'.

It's so similar to the WS fog that it is frightening.

I've told her the truth, said what I had to say. Nothing more for me to do. I'm sure I'll hear from her again. She's not done with him yet and she will be subjecting herself to a great deal more heartache. Which is so not my problem.

Me, too !

Knowing what I know about their relationship hurt at first, but the knowledge that it is even more dysfuntional than mine was with him - well, it's rather like finding out the Affairland isn't a happy place for our Ws's.

Like SL, most days I feel a bit better. Other days, not so much. Occassionally have a bad day and will allow myself a nice good hard crying session. Then I pick myself up, remember what Mimi said, lift my chin, shoulders back, and put my Goddess persona back on.

I realized the other night what scares me the most right now. I was out of town for business. I had dinner in the hotel and had struck up conversation with other business people sitting nearby. After about 45 minutes of business related conversation, I left my business card for a follow up call and went to my room. Not long after, I got a text message. Not from the person I was speaking with, but from a guy in their group. It was friendly enough, but I remembered that he had been wearing a wedding ring!

Long story short, I told him to stop texting other women, call his wife and beg her forgiveness. UGH! What was it about me that made him think it was okay to approach me when he is MARRIED??

My fear is that I will never find a good, honest and faithful partner. And if I would happen to meet him, am I going to be SO afraid because of my past that I will not be able to trust? I just don't know. I have always been pretty much a "glass 1/2 full" kind of girl. Not so much anymore. I don't like feeling this way.

Chai - you HAVE to call me next time!! If I am in town, we are most definately getting together. I don't get out your way anymore, at least for now, but if I do, I will definately call you.

I'm actually spending more time out Chris's way - seems Denver is now going to be 'my area' and am adding Phoenix soon.

So, now that I'm almost caught up with everyone for today (it is doing my heart good to be able to read about you all again - I was totally missing you all!)I am going to pack up and head to the lake for the day with family & friends.

Enjoy the day all!

Bugsy!

You sound real good. Don't stop being a "glass half full gal" because of a few jerks. Keep your eyes open. A relationship will happen when it haapens.

Stay the goddess!

LG

Here is comes Chai -

Whew I feel better, but how's that head, ready to LISTEN. You are a WINNER, why what you have walked through in the manner you have is more than MANY people on here have and don't have a frickin clue how to recover M or personal. So, in the infamous words of Mimi, you STOP that stinkin thinkin.

If you can't post because you can't, that's one thing.. I respect that, BUT don't use that excuse you can't because there are people on here who DO need your story. It's your most prized posession.

Hi Bugs, you sound healthy and stronger. I love you so much and just love to hear how you grasp and explain things.

She IS good, isn't she.

Chai, I didnt save my marriage....You are an inspiration to me. You are a classy and dignified lady....You didnt save your M becuz your WH is an idiot...Not because of anthing that you did wrong...You now MB, you can definitly help people, unless it is too painful for you, that is different.

Chai, you have NO idea how much you have helped me thru this hell we are going thru. ((((Chai)))) You couldnt have done that if you didnt post, ya know?

No Bugs, you didn't recover your marriage. You recovered YOU. You up-lifted and strengthened both your beliefs in God and your own moral compass. You are a better, stronger and shinier you! It is certainly not your fault Drac couldn't see the light for the cloud of immorality he was in.

Yes, bugs, sorry....you too, of course, have also helped me sooo much...when I was going thru a rough time you were one of the threads that I read thru and kept up with...you are definitely on the list of posters that helped me so much....I appreciate when you update your thread, it is nice to see you doing well.

Queenie(who is now in recovery), lunamare, wildhorses, Chai, silentlucidity, there are quite afew of you who have helped me through very low times in my life, even if the marriages were not recovered, by just posting on your thread.

In my experience, you will find a good man...but you will have to first recognize him as such and work hard to open up and show that underbelly again. You WILL be scared.

In my case, the long distance relationship has been difficult, but good for me. It's given me to room to learn more about myself, to understand where I need to be more assertive and build solid boundaries, and to gain a better understanding of the process involved in resolving issues. I will ALWAYS be a work in progress, as my relationship will be. It's scarier to me NOW because I know how horribly wrong things can go, but knowing how to prevent it gives me comfort, because I do have control over what I do in a relationship.

Anyway, I have a hard time expressing what's in my head, so I hope the above makes sense.

Aww,you all are so generous.

Yes, I have recovered much of myself. Not completely, but having let go of so much of myself, I know I won't recover the Old Bugs completely.

Not that it is a bad thing - as I don't want to be the Bugs who let's herself go to the same places as the Old Bugs did.

Guess that is what I struggle with most. Who I was, and the good parts of that vs who I AM and the good parts of her. Feels sometimes like a high wire act trying to balance the best of both. Heck,,,who am I kidding? It's hard some days just figuring out what are the best parts!

SL,

What you said makes PERFECT sense. You put into words what I hadn't even really formed yet in my own head.

The fact that we now understand how horribly wrong things can go,,,,isn't THAT the root of the fear? As you say, though, undertstanding the process in resolving issues puts us ahead of the game in that regard, right?

Atleast that I is what my head says,,,,the logical thinking part of me understands that. My heart, however, is still pretty much in the mode of the scared little girl. As with all things, though, I am just doing my best to trust God to bring my head and my heart into alignment - He knows I can't do that on my own.

Geez, just look back on my history! If I were a friend of mine, I would have slapped my forehead too many times to count, telling my friend to SNAP OUT OF IT - when it came to Drac, and even when it came to R.

GRRR. I'm a SMART woman! I am not totally niaeve (SP?). I can and DO help my friends and give (IMHO) good advice. It's the Taking Good Advice and seeing my own life clearly that I seem to be messed up about.

Ah well,,,,it's a holiday weekend and not the time to give too much energy to such matters.

I spent the entire weekend relaxing and intend to finish it up the same way. Pool is clear, clean, and cool(just right). With the great start on my tan in Key West, I am a nice color already.

I am sad.

Drac just came by to pick up DD's softball equipment & uniform for tomorrow. He was driving the Ho's car, with her in it and both of the kids.

They are on their way to go out to dinner for DSS's 16th birthday.

Just when I think that enough time has passed and that the pain is manageable,,,,,,,,,,,,

{{{{{{{{BUGS}}}}}}}} I am so sorry, it never ends for us BS' does it? {{{{{{BUGS}}}}}}}}

Bugs,

I know that it hit you hard, but let me remind you that she is just the flavor of the day. The next notch on the bed post. The next one who will be dispensable when he tires of her or stumbles upon someone else. You almost have to feel sorry for her because you know her fate, she doesn't. Still, you wonder why it couldn't be the 4 of you like it used to be.

Don't let Drac drag you into his screwed up life. He is a romantic wanderer - from ho to ho he will go.

You are beautiful, successful, grounded, mature, have your head on straight and KNOW who you are. He doesn't have a clue.

...just 'catching up' on few thread.

It's been awhile Bugs.

How about an update?

Hey Luna!

Unfortunately, I've spent my 'free' time checking out the Amigos threads and need to get to work.

I wanted to acknowledge the 'bump' (thanks!) and let you know I'll try to update later!

I had to go to My Posts to track down my thread. It's been a while since my last post.

Life is going along and I really have nothing 'special' to report. Have been feeling kinda low lately, but am working to Snap Out of It!

Ho2 has 'offically' moved in over at Drac's. Even though she wasn't his APartner, she was in the circle of friends he was involved with at the time and she is still working at our same place of employment - both are things that (for me) make it feel almost as hurtful as the original A. Might seem silly or bitter to some, but it is the way I feel.

In the last week, I've been treated to having to hear special effort being made by Drac to let Ho2 talk to Ladybugs on the phone & hearing them exchange their "I love you"s. On the one hand, I am happy that she is someone Ladybugs is comfortable with and cares about. On the other hand, it hurts and I worry about how Ladybugs will feel if/when this one goes away, too. I hate the thought of Ladybugs feeling like DS once told me he feels. That he "doesn't know when it's ok to care about someone because they don't stay". My heart breaks again every time I think about it.

My latest wonderful moment was Monday night when Ladybugs asked me to 'do her a favor'. She wanted to know if I could "At least TRY to be friends with Ho2". I did not know which was stronger, my urge to cry or my urge to throw up. I managed to control both. My loving baby girl thinks it would be great if we could all 3 have a girls' night out together. What am I supposed to say or do in response to that????

Wish I had more time to post, but am starting a work call here in a few minutes.

You are supposed to calmly answer her request. If NO is the answer, then it's "Ladybugs, I choose not to associate with Ho2 for such and such a reason." Age appropriate response. If you do not trust this woman, then say so, and why. These are moments that you can teach Ladybugs what openness and honesty are, and that we all have choices in this life. If Ho2 has done something WRONG, in your opinion, state your opinion.

You are her parent, first and foremost. It is your job to be a guide to her, a moral compass.

well, that's my take on it, FWIW.

(((bugs)))

I think ladybugs is old enough to understand that the D still hurts mommy and mommy is not ready to be "friends" with any of daddy's girlfriends.

Exactly.

Bugsy!

About this:


What do you think?

You can simply decline. "Daddy and I are divorced now, and we will live seperate lives, that may hurt you in some ways, LadyBugs, but it is better that way in the long run for you, me, Daddy and his new friends."

You can make an effort. "Yes, LadyBugs, I am glad that you are forming a good relationship with this new friend in your Daddy's life. IF he continues a longer term relationship with this woman, and she treats you like the little lady that you are, then we can see what happens in the future."

You can ignore it. LadyBugs may be getting info from the newest Ho2 that the "3 of you" can be "friends" But if nothing ever comes back to Ho2 about this, then she drops that line of inquiry with LadyBugs, and its not really part of LadyBugs world at this age.

Think about and decide which way YOU would like to do. All children dream. LadyBugs dreams that you and Drac get back together, she also dreams that you and Ho2 are friends, and that Daddy and Mommy are good friends. What would YOU like to happen?

LadyBugs is scarred by Drac's decision to have and A and then D you. Everything else that happens is becasue of that decision. LadyBugs will be hurt if you are not "friends" with Ho2 (or Ho3, 4, 5 etc..) The pain you feel is worth something too. And if it is too much pain to be "friends" and associating MORE with Drac by extensuon, then LadyBugs will have to have this little bit more pain in her life. No matter how many times that Drac may proclaim: "Can't you just get over it and move on?"

Glad to see that you are doing well, hows the pool? Mine has been terrific. The return line has sprung a small leak, that they are fixing today, otherwise, its been a good summer for swimming!

LG