Okay, so my husband and I have recovered, and because of this we decided to have another baby. However, before I agreed to begin trying I made it very clear that I would not work and would become a stay at home mom. He agreed to this.

Now, our newest addition is almost 9 months old, and I am still working part time! Yes, our budget cannot afford me to stay home fully, but I am absolutely crushed. He gave me his word that I would not have to work. Shouldn't it be his responsibility to figure out how to make that happen?

I know he wants me to stay home, but from my point of view he seems passive. He says "it's all about the numbers." Not for me! I don't even cover the house payment with what I bring in.

We've discussed this many times since finding out I was pregnant, and frankly today I was just so furious about the whole situation I actually considered moving out.

We survived infidelity, and now I can't get over this? I feel betrayed. He got his child, and I didn't get what we agreed to.

Hello Anointed,

What about mutual agreement about your finances? Have you POJAed this? Maybe the problem is that you disagree on that subject and it makes further actions (like you staying at home) impossible. It seems to me that first of all you need to POJA this - how much money we need to have? I assume that this is your mutual problem and not only one person's responsibility.



It doesn't sound like POJA. It sounds like blackmail or a reluctant agreement. I don't know, maybe it's the choice of words (I made it very clear). But if this arrangement doesn't suit you, you should go back to the time when this sort-of-agreement was made and put it on the table again and negotiate until you find enthusiastic agreement how to solve the situation at hand.

Best of luck!

How did you let yourself get pregnant when you knew that your H was not making enough money for you not work and stay home?

Making plans but skipping the step where your H had to have the income in place is saying to your H that he does not have to follow the agreement.

Who was the WS?

www.daveramsey.com

- no debt
- cash only
- eliminate childish behavior (we all are like this).
- budget (ouch)

We were probably like you guys, but older (49 & 46). After 2 years of us growing up, we are almost debt free! Our house was actually paid for with cash.

Now, it I want an ATV, Wave Runner or trip to Disney or if my wife wants to stay ah home. She can...

My truck will need a new transmission soon. I expect it to go out at any anytime. No big deal. A few years ago this situation would of made me sick thinking about it.

And if my comapny lays me off, again I am not too concerned about that.

I love that Peacefull feeling and so does my wife.

Yes, staying at home with your kids is a good thing. But it sounds like you have the 'Princess' syndrome. You guys need to work as a team and check out Dave Ramsey's financial stuff.

Well, I have much to learn still about POJA, and I feel that when I try it, FWH has AO or DJ. I of course get upset in return and tell him not to speak to me like that. We have been very good stewards with our money, so it isn't that.

Regarding "making it clear" about staying home. We have a DD12 and DS9. I thought we were finished having children because my husband was so sure he didn't want any more after having an affair. It was just too devastating for us both. So then we were both working and moved into a lovely new home...a new home that requires 2 incomes.

After being in the house for a little over a year, FWH decides he wants more children. I wasn't against it (obviously), but I know what it is like to try to be a good mom and work. It is a very difficult balance for me....one I don't do well. I struggled with my older children and really wanted to stay at home with them, too. So I took a job that worked from home. STILL VERY DIFFICULT! I did not want to go through that again. He REALLY wanted another child, and I REALLY needed to stay home for that to happen. He agreed.

We have discussed this situation countless times, and I always feel like he wants it to work out but isn't terribly concerned. He got his child, and I work part time from home. What's the big deal?

I have thought about this so many times! And I told him that as much as I love DD9mo, I would never have had her if I knew it would have been this way.

When FWH made this promise to me when there were some business deals in the works, but when the economy fell, so did our opportunities. This has given me some understanding as to why I needed to work for a while, but I trusted that the FWH I know would do everything in his power to keep his word! I know I don't always see what he is doing behind the scenes, but it seems that he is very passive on this. Just waiting to see what God will do. (FWH even apologized to me stating that when he promised me, he wasn't sure he'd be able to keep that promise....which further intensifies my feelings that he manipulated me to get what he wanted. I shouldn't have given in on something so important to me.)

I feel a deep urgency to be the very best I can be as a mom, and because I am so intense about the things I do, I struggle with balancing more than one responsibility.

We are very familiar with Dave Ramsey and actually have no debt except for the house. However, we bought this house based on 2 incomes. When my husband wanted more children, it kinda threw things off!

I do the bills in our home, and I can say we may be able to shave off $200-$300 per month. We do not live outside our means whatsoever.

I am absolutely past the point of grace on this. I should not have done this without absolute certainty because I am miserable.

Dr Harley says that if the decision is not in the interest of both of you it is not in the best interest of your relationship. So you still need to go back. You should both read about POJA and about guidelines of successful negotiations, it gives you necessary tools. Is he familiar with these and other MB principles?

Oh, and thanks everyone for your replies! I'm really upset, and it helps to be able to vent here.

No, he does not know about MB principles. I've brought them up a few times and mentioned this website, but he doesn't take the initiative to really learn. To be fair, he has a lot going on and doesn't have a ton of free time.

I agree....we need to go back to it and work on it. I just feel like he does a lot of shrugging and isn't into brainstorming with me. I feel like it is all up to me, and I'm put out!

But you did and you KNEW this house was going to be a two income and you agreed to have a baby anyway, KNOWING this and then just expecting him to "figure it out". What exactly is it you were expecting him to figure out in the way of paying for that mortgage without you? If he was to have taken on another job so you could stay home with the next baby, would you be happy right now if all he was doing is working to pay the mortgage? I would suspect you would not be meeting each other's needs if he already does not have free time. Adding another job to pay for it (as you said, HE needed to figure out), would you be happy with that outcome?

You are right, Gdar.

And that is why I am miserable. I would not be happy with him working all the time, and I am not happy working 20hrs a week with three kids in the house with me (for the summer anyway), add in there keeping house, keeping meals, doing something with the kids, ministry, etc.

That is why I should have made sure first. I wanted him to be happy, and I had faith that it would work out. Foolishness.

Well, you have realized you are here, and now you have the tools to make it better, together.

Thanks, Gdar.

Sometimes it just helps to get it all out. I will try to work on POJA with him.

To update, I kept working until we both felt like God said I could quit in February 2012. Nothing had changed financially, but we both came to an agreement. It has been extremely tight, but God has taken care of us.

After learning more about Marriage Builders I see how I got myself into this situation and was then blaming my husband for my unhappiness.

I did not POJA this. I didn't understand (or honestly care) how to make sure my husband was just as happy with the situation as I was. I'm almost shocked at my own posts.

I'm sorry, Ship, for being so demanding and selfish.

And to actually say that I wouldn't have had my sweet little DD3???? Oh. My. Word!! The selfishness had no bounds!

Ugh.

I would not change our lives for anything. I'm sorry God for saying such terrible things and for spouting such nonsense.

I was unhappy for sure, but man.

Thank you Marriage Builders for teaching me a better way. Poor Ship.

Hi anointed,

Glad you are feeling better! Keep working on POJA and UA time!

I know POJA takes work and practice. Have you guys tried using Dr. Harley's suggestion, to start practicing POJA on small issues first?

Have you and Ship considered selling your current home for one that would be easier to manage on one income? I know the idea may not sound ideal, but I think that being able to be a SAHM with a large family usually requires some sacrifice.

I have been fortunate to be able to stay home with my kids, but it requires my H to work long hours, and we don't live in a new beautiful home. It certainly isn't a shack, but an older home, large enough for us to be comfortable in, in a safe area and good school district.

Just thought it might be an idea to consider and put on the POJA table. Maybe you guys can brain storm even more solutions!

Good luck and don't give up! I know financial issues can put huge strain on a marriage.

Anoited,

UGH! Sorry, didn't catch that this was an old thread that you just updated. Not the first time I have done this...I need to learn to check dates!