TBC, thanks for the input:
I think it's pretty reasonable black-and-white bench mark. The court date was the first, now the 120 day ink-drying process is the next level of recovery. It's all pretty nebulous to me, quite frankly, but folks like Not know a lot more about this stuff than I do; that's my experience. Around here you're married until your not married - I can respect that. Now I just need to find a map to that island Tom Hanks was on; I'll go there until October and be all set!

So, the dry ink date is just a mile-stone of self-respect, if you adhere to the principles here. I suppose some folks need more time after that. Pretty sure I won't.

opt

Hang in there Opt. There are a lot of us who are proud of how you have handled this storm. These 108.25 days will pass fast, but you could use the time to scope out prospects....

And you could be me..... Divorce filed June 2, 2009... Final divorce date set for December 2010. 19 months.... of not only a lack of EN's being met, but a LOOOOOONG time to be in the storm. Still wearing my ring, even though she has a new wedding dress and wants our kids to be her wedding, out of state, to the OM.

I include myself in that group that thinks Opt has done a great job navigating through this thing. No doubt about it....

19 months to get to D-Ville? Wow. Which D-Train are you taking -- Amtrak or Thomas The Tank Engine? You make Opt's 110 days seem like a walk around the block. Well, regardless, sorry to hear about your sitch. Having the kids in that wedding will be utterly bizarre for them. Hopefully, she rethinks that strategy.....

TBC

Holy smokes. What am I whining about?
Thanks 1step. By December you should be manyStepsforward.

opt

Thanks so much all y'all. The encouragement really helps.

I just realized this w/e is 1 year anniversary from d-Day. Yeah, I really don't need to get someone else involved with that. I'll absorb that one, put it behind me, and take strength from it to move on.

~Opt




tbc - had to get a chuckle out of your phraseology.

Hang in there Opt! You've been doing great. I know it must be difficult to think of another 3 months plus without female companionship, but think of how great it will be when you do meet up with the 'right one' - someone who is into MB, I hope!

Okay boys.......just when I thought we had put this issue to rest, we get a returning BS to SHOW you all what I am talking about........

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...63&what=showflat&fpart=3&q=1

Remember Patriot45 from last winter???? Well, he's got a thread here but he started one in 101 as well where he got many more responses.......

My particular favorite thus far is from Mel......

Enough said.......

Opt,

I'm a bit harder on YOU for a couple of reasons. One being I've followed ya from day 1 so I'm a bit invested.....

Two, you are still very new at becoming a FWH........I'd like you to keep those lessons close your heart because really they will help you to STAY true to who you really are. Not all wayward become formers just because their affairs have ended. My own mother who is an adulteress 3x's over hasn't had an affair in over 20 yrs. I do believe she will probably NEVER have another one. HOW.EV.ER.....she is STILL as foggy and wayward as any active wayward out there. I'm not sure she will ever overcome that.

I don't believe that is you, but let's not start down the slippery rope to begin with, k???

And my last and FINAL thoughts on this.......

I've heard MANY people stated they regretted starting dating too soon during the D process and shortly thereafter, BUT I have never heard someone say they regretted that they waited......

The smorgasbord of beautiful women will still be there once you are ready...........

Not

That describes my grandmother to a T. I don't believe she had an active affair during my lifetime, but she was foggy forever.

I never knew exactly what was wrong with her until I'd been here awhile and learned a lot about the wayward mindset.

thanks not, you're a lifesaver, even if you are killing me.

I'll be back after pool.
(I always wonder if I'll run into Bampot)

opt

Okay, no pool, but I wanted to get on a couple of things:
You're so right, and thanks for saying it. Have the tendencies and definitely want to put that ugly part of me in the rear view mirror. Any sort of relationship right now would be an A, plain a simple. I think I was giddy from the endorphins let loose after the court date was successful. Real truth is I still do consider myself married in a legal sense (I just threw up a little in my mouth) and must uphold the sanctity of the agreement, for my own integrity. I must. Otherwise, I learned nothing from my exposure. I hope to be in a relationship someday where RA is commonplace. I don't plan to turn into a spin doctor any time soon; so there's no sense giving myself something to spin.

I think this is going to end up being my Xww.

thanks for the vote of confidence. I don't see myself having another affair. The circumstances were very specific; and I was supremely ignorant. I also don't see myself getting into or staying in a relationship as lackluster as my marriage was - I was literally trapped in a cage and didn't know there were tools to make it better until it was too late.

The D is final on my 42nd birthday. Forty-two seems soooooooooooo old. I'll probably need a walker by then, and have false teeth and hearing aids, and cataracts. Oh well, I guess as long as I'm still continent I might have a chance.

opt

Good to "see" you Linus, thanks for checking in.

Hey, I'm 58 -almost 59- and I only feel old when my back starts giving me trouble. I ran a 5K this past weekend and I'm planning a 30 mile bike ride in a week or two. You've got nothing to complain about, opt. Heck, you're still a kid.

And you're doing great, BTW.

Sorry I haven't checked in for a few days. I've been "de-cluttering" the house -- my agent wants to show it Thursday morning. I like this idea of a "house swap," but I wonder: Since I'm not employed right now, how would I get financing...?

I know Fred, just me using my bad sense of humor against myself. Again.

De-cluttering is great. My mom says energy can't flow through a cluttered house. She knows about these things. I've been getting rid of a lot of stuff and it does feel good. When you land somewhere, you'll have less stuff to drag around.

good luck with the house swap - seems like a good deal. You cut out the brokers right?

De-cluttering the house is one of the things I'm looking forward to the most when I finally get the STBXW out.

I thought the house looked pretty barren when my WxW first moved out (some of the rooms are still empty). But I've managed to "clutter" the used rooms a bit since then. It's almost surprising to see how "personal" I've made the place.

And now I have to de-personalize it to show it. All in a matter of a few months...

Opt,

You have the WHOLE world (except the female part...... ;)) in the palm of your hand right now.......this is the time where you do ALL those things you wanted to do but couldn't because of marriage. Make a Bucket List of sorts. Think of things you always WANTED to try or were interested in.....there are NO restrictions to this list. Put everything down no matter how big or small.......and then go about DOING them......

*Bungee Jumping??.....check out local places to do it
*taking an Art History class??...... Look at your local museum
*loved bowling when you were younger and before kiddo's??......join a Men's league....
*interested in wood carving??..... Look at your local Adult Education classes

The world is YOUR oyster right now......take ADVANTAGE of it, because as you already know, once you start dating and bringing females in the mix, it's not all about YOU.........so do it......

As far as some personal growth and healing.......shelve FILSIL for now.....you don't need it.......

Instead, go pick up "Boundaries" by Cloude and Townsend. This will help you in defining your own personal boundaries with others, your children, your STXWW (Lord knows you need help there...... ), and even future possible mates.

Also, look at your parish and see if they have a Divorce Recovery Group. If they don't, look at other local churches. This will help you TONS. Even if you "think/feel" like you are doing well and on the right path, this will help you see area's that may need some extra time. word to wise though, make sure when you are inquiring you find a group that is same sex. It is very unhealthy to be in a group with mixed sexes........

Does any of that help????.......

It's OKAY to be selfish during this time of healing........so take the world by storm Opt.....just not the females........

Not

Ooohhh, you're contemptible and cruel. and I love ya like a sistah.

I know you know this but it's my thread so I'll say it anyway:
See, Knot, I don't want to go bowling and I don't want make a wood duck. What I want to do is sit across the table from a WOMAN. Do you hear me? WO - MAN. The kind with smooth skin and beautiful eyes and that smells really good. I want to listen to her talk about anything because I love her voice, and when she laughs it's like angels. I want to watch her move gracefully in her space and know she's there with me because she's intrigued by me and feels safe when I'm around.

You know, that kinda thing.

But instead I have to focus on myself and go to recovery groups. BORING.


I just ordered your stupid book. And I'll call the church tomorrow. But I'm not going to like any of it. Not one bit.


opt

Opt,

I've got to say, you have me scratching my head on this one.

I am so looking forward to the personal and parenting freedom that's just around the corner. I can't wait to start doing things for ME, without the dark cloud of how it will affect the WW hanging over my head.

I can go fishing until dark without worrying about putting her out too much. I can go out on a day excursion with the kids without having to be back by 4:00 so that she can "rest". I can insist the kids get up in the morning and that they play outside or even exercise without her thinking I'm being too controlling.

I am in no hurry to have someone new come in and start taking those freedoms away.

Maybe that's just it Schtoop. I don't want the little beauty to move in with me. I guess I'm looking for the best of both worlds. (Is that cake-eating for non-marrieds? I dunno).
Problems is, as Not states it, one date leads to another and next thing, things are getting all serious and messy and I still don't know who I even am: so the lovely heart throb gets pulled into a dog-and-poney smoke show. Not fair, not pretty.

Thing about Not is every time I do what she says, things tend to work out. When I don't....well, not so much.
And for this I despise her.

~opt

And for anybody reading along - Not2Fun gets my humor. She knows I have the utmost respect for her and her opinions, and her directives. To anyone who is graced with her presence on their thread, consider yourself lucky and do what she says. You won't regret it, even if it does feel like walking on broken glass.

Sincerely,
Optimism