Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 110
F
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 110
Hi all.

I have been a major lurker and have posted a few times.

My WH and I have been married 10 years and we have a 7 year old, beautiful daughter. In the last two years, I discovered my WH was having an affair, exposed him to his family and my family, and moved across the country to be with my family. After moving, he came to visit, then called saying he really hated what he did and can't live with his family broken up. Asked me to come back home, and we had this discussion for months. I decided to come home, going with the thought that we can't work on our marriage without being in the same place, so I moved my daughter and I back home. Once I was home, I snooped and discovered the volume of his lies to that point, I found out who the person was, where she lives, etc. We talked about it, and he seemed to be taking the right steps to recovery.

Then the day after my D7 bday, a gentleman was waiting for me outside of our house. As it turns out, this gentleman was the boyfriend of my husband's girlfriend, and he was pissed. He showed me her cellphone which had all sorts of incriminating photos/texts dated right up to a week before my D7's bday from my husband and from her. This is a different woman and one that worked/works for him. I confronted him, well blew up, and of course, he said they weren't having sex, just texting, and blah, blah, blah.

So, the day of the confrontation he swore that it was all ended, but the very next day, I found a text from him to her saying "do not answer your phone." So I confronted him again, and he ended the confrontation by telling me that I needed to get over the past, and that he needed to be a man, and could not give me his account passwords, and answer to me, and that basically he would not kiss my a$$.

After that, I went into a very deep depression. And really started reading a lot of the threads here, and realized that all of the BS my H was saying to me is exactly the fogspeak all WW's speak, and I realized that I really can not believe anything from him.

After that he started to tell me that I needed to find a job, and a place to live because he is divorcing me. He said he wasn't living with my throwing this in his face all of the time for the rest of his life.

That was over a month and a half ago, and now every other day he tells me is giving me a small lump sum figure to get back on my feet, but is planning the rest of his life without me. He will give my D money if she calls him and tells him she needs it, or if she needs anything.

A few weeks ago, he left his cell phone at home, and girlfriend #1 called him on it, so I called him to light into him, and he claimed he didn't know why she was calling him, so I should call her to find out. So I did and she answered. I asked her why she was involved with my husband, and she said she wasn't, she was just returning a phone call and didn't know whose number it was. Then she hung up on me. Then, on a whim, I decided to call GF#2, and she answered. I asked her the same types of questions, kinda fishing, and she mostly told me I need to speak with my husband. But, she did kinda cop to length of time, and for some reason, she became upset when I asked if they were in love. Her response was like she was repulsed by the idea, but then she said she wasn't talking anymore, and hung up.

I don't know what I am looking for, as I am just so shutdown right now. I didn't do a stellar plan A, and apparently it didn't matter anyway, I was just making a fool of myself. I am a little cloudy on what I want to do next, but I have a bit of a plan. I am not currently working, but technically pretty employable, I just can't focus, as my marriage has been so hard, and such hell.

I guess I need help with a solid plan, as I keep struggling because everytime I start to feel good about myself, he does/says something that completely kills me.

Honestly, I am pretty sure that I can't continue in this marriage because of the level of disrespect he has shown me, and he has assured me that he will not go NC, write a NC letter, change his phone numbers, and stop his current behaviors. He has pretty much left me nothing to work with, but due to extenuating circumstances, he can't leave, and I can't leave yet.

A part of me would love for him to come to his senses, and stop, become remorseful, and truly stop. I would love to spend the rest of my life with the guy I fell in love with and married, but I don't even believe that that person even exists anymore.

Anyway, thank you for reading if you got this far. I hope to hear from you.

Thank you ....

FD


fD

Me: BS 41
WH: 43
DD7

D-day #1 2006 (OW#1)
D-day #2 3/2009 (OW #2)
D-day #3 5.18.2010 (OW #2)
D-day #4 10.3.2010 (false recovery)
D-day #5 12.2.2010 (found text message)
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
Originally Posted by FutureDays
After that he started to tell me that I needed to find a job, and a place to live because he is divorcing me. He said he wasn't living with my throwing this in his face all of the time for the rest of his life.

That was over a month and a half ago, and now every other day he tells me is giving me a small lump sum figure to get back on my feet, but is planning the rest of his life without me. He will give my D money if she calls him and tells him she needs it, or if she needs anything.
FD,

This is an extremely unpleasant situation and I'm sorry you are going through it.

I think your signature line gets to the core of your H's problem, and the section I quoted above shows me that he is not fit for marriage at the moment.

I think that YOU need to take control of this separation and stop letting him do so. He should not be telling you that he will give you a small sum of money to get you back on your feet; the courts should be enforcing his legal duty to maintain you and his daughter.

You need to see a lawyer and establish your rights to have him removed from the home, and to get a maintenance award. I also think you should consider suing him for adultery.

Do you live in the USA? (I am curious because of your posting time. People from Europe are more likely to post when you did.) I realise that you might want to keep your location secret, but sometimes the information helps people give you (unofficial) legal or tactical advice.

My heart goes out to you and your daughter. Hang on, and there will be several more responses once the USA wakes up!


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 110
F
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 110
Thanks for your response. I live in the US (midwest). I just am not able to get to sleep tonight. I have spoken with a few attys, so I am not letting him control this. At this point, we can't separate because of extended family situations. We live in a multi-generational home because we are helping take care of one of his elderly and incapacitated relatives, and he needs to be here. Currently, I am not financially able to leave. So ... we are a little stuck here.

I have been (admittedly, mostly prior to the last D-Day) Plan A, and not so much because for him, but more for me. I am building my self-esteem, and trying to learn how to create and have a happy marriage. I have been lurking on MB for years now (since the first D-Day). So, I am practicing on him. smile My new goal is trying (very hard) not to react, but to take action, and stick to my plan.

I believe that I am out of hope for us, but I do think about people like Starfish, who recovered from a similar situation, and a part of me hopes, but, I it isn't looking good.

The things that I think about on my side of our fence is things like taking his love and affection for granted, not showing appreciation (he has done some really great, amazing things during our marriage that I didn't acknowledge), and as things started going downhill, I withdrew and stopped communicating my needs and feelings. I didn't advocate for me and tried to people-please his feelings back into the in love feelings. In addition, I let myself go.

Now, though, I am down to 120, and getting back into me, and the things I love and enjoy. I am starting to build the relationships with my friends again. I am starting to take some classes for a new career direction, and I am very excited.

I guess what bothers me is the question of who is this man that I find myself married to now. Is the person I fell in love with still in there? It seems like all of his thoughts and decisions are fog-based, but he insists he is not in an affair or had even had an affair. And, I ask myself, does he really mean these things he is saying to me with regard to our family, and our relationship.

In the meantime, I am working on a plan. One that includes protecting my D and I from this. As I said, a part of me hopes he wakes up...but a bigger part is looking forward to the peace and new beginning.


fD

Me: BS 41
WH: 43
DD7

D-day #1 2006 (OW#1)
D-day #2 3/2009 (OW #2)
D-day #3 5.18.2010 (OW #2)
D-day #4 10.3.2010 (false recovery)
D-day #5 12.2.2010 (found text message)
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
Originally Posted by FutureDays
At this point, we can't separate because of extended family situations. We live in a multi-generational home because we are helping take care of one of his elderly and incapacitated relatives, and he needs to be here. Currently, I am not financially able to leave. So ... we are a little stuck here.
Who are the legal owners/renters of the home? Is it you and your H, or the relatives? Would you be able to get him removed, or do you have no rights because the home isn't yours?

Does he have the right to get YOU removed? He tells you to move; can he make you do this?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 110
F
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 110
I guess he and his family are the legal renters, but I think I have rights, as we are married, but I will check on this today with atty. I wouldn't ask him to leave, as he needs to be here to assist with his relative.


fD

Me: BS 41
WH: 43
DD7

D-day #1 2006 (OW#1)
D-day #2 3/2009 (OW #2)
D-day #3 5.18.2010 (OW #2)
D-day #4 10.3.2010 (false recovery)
D-day #5 12.2.2010 (found text message)
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
Have you decided to try plan A again? A more successful one laugh

I am really sorry, with what all you had to endure.

Have you exposed these affairs? I know you said both your families know but what about friends? Co-workers? The OW's family and friends? Etc? If not that is where I would start, go to the OW's FB page and get all of her family and friends and send them a letter.

Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 110
F
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 110
Originally Posted by SapphireReturns
Have you decided to try plan A again? A more successful one laugh

I am really sorry, with what all you had to endure.

Have you exposed these affairs? I know you said both your families know but what about friends? Co-workers? The OW's family and friends? Etc? If not that is where I would start, go to the OW's FB page and get all of her family and friends and send them a letter.

I tried FB, but GF1 has FB blocked or something because I can not find her, though I found all sorts of info on pipl.com. Did a background search and got lots of potential family, but none of the addresses panned out as current, except for hers. The other is so shady, I am not even sure the name I know is real or not, and she does not FB, all of her cell's are pre-paid's so I am sure they are disposable. I could go to her boyfriend's house, but I suspect she dumped him after he exposed to me, so I am a little nervous about that. My H owns his own company with very few workers, and they never told me originally when all of this started, and I know they know. I haven't told any of his friends, but I know he already has, and a good many of his friends already had GF's and wives. So I don't see that making much of a difference.

I am back on Plan A, which is really difficult because he makes comments and statements to me that are really infuriating, but I am trying to leave him with pleasant memories of our life together, then going to Plan B.

It seems like he is extra angry with me right now. No matter what I do, he keeps telling me that I do nothing around the house, I am miserable. Last night, he told me that no matter what is going on between he and I, that is no reason to upset everyone else in the house. I try very hard not to get into any arguments with him, and I keep my mouth shut when around the other people in the house. I haven't smiled much around them (but I do smile and laugh when my family or friends are over), but I have reached a point of fed up, and I feel like his family is highly judgmental of me, and tries to take advantage of me, so I have been instituting respectful boundaries, kind of changing things with them. I have been respecting myself.

Thank you.


fD

Me: BS 41
WH: 43
DD7

D-day #1 2006 (OW#1)
D-day #2 3/2009 (OW #2)
D-day #3 5.18.2010 (OW #2)
D-day #4 10.3.2010 (false recovery)
D-day #5 12.2.2010 (found text message)

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,086 guests, and 45 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5