A little background...

Me age 33
Wife age 32
Married ten years
Two kids, ages four and two

About a month ago, W says she is going to go see a counselor because of the following concerns:

1. I'm not where I want to be in live, career-wise
2. I don't feel like we have any connection anymore, spiritually, emotionally or conversation-wise, and I don't feel like I get any encouragement.
3. I'm not sure if I want to stay married.

Well, of course this hit me like a bombshell. She has struggled with her job, it doesn't pay much and money is always tight. We have two kids, so they pretty much monopolize our time leaving, perhaps, one hour a day for UA but we don't take advantage of even that. Sound familiar?

She's been on Cymbalta for "anti-anxiety" (I say anti-depression) and says that she doesn't feel attracted to me anymore. That we're just friends, roomates, passing through.

Over the last week, we've talked more about life, spiritual matters, what we want out of life. She asked how do we "reconnect", i.e. fall in love again I guess. I'm working on that, and think she may be, too, but sometimes feel it is a one-way street.

Though that isn't much background, here's the main point of my post. I looked at her email account, and see two messages that survived deletion. They are to a 37yo co-worker, who I believe is married:

Sunday 6/6/10 10:04 pm
From W to OM
Subject: the usual time and place
Message: 8:30 ish you make the coffee and Ill bring the bull$hit

Tuesday 7/20/10 8:01 pm
From W to OM
Subject: (blank)
Message: you there?
Reply: I am. Sorry!!

Another email, from a few weeks ago, was him sending her his flight interary for a two-week trip to Kiev. Obviously, she wasn't going, but why send something like that to her personal gmail account rather than her work email?

She's mentioned that, after dropping the kids off at school, she'll go to a coffee shop and sit, read Devotionals. Work doesn't really start until around 9:00 so there's time.

Does this sound like the makings of an EA? She did have a PA back in 2002, but we went to counseling and things were good for some time. But I guess you kind of forget and go back to the same-old-same-old.

I WANT this marriage to work, and believe she is in the "I'd like to see if it will work" phase, but am certain that any progress will be hindered if someone else is in the picture.

I think I know the answer, yes, this is an EA (at least?). She text messages a lot, but the one time I got a look at the phone there were no deleted (sent) messages to read.

I asked her last night if she wanted to go to joint counseling, she said yes. She's gone out of town until Tuesday to see some old friends in Atlanta at the recommendation of her therapist. She said she needed a break...ok, I guess I can see that.

Anyways, I'm sorry that this is so rambling. I've just had my world turned upside down and writing is a bit cathartic. Could use some thoughts, suggestions, words of wisdom, etc.

What she's saying just sounds like the typical WS stuff that is posted all over this place, and brings to mind exact conversations that we had back in 2002 when she had an affair. We lived in a different state then, so it's not the same guy.

EDIT: Please advise if this post is in the wrong forum.

North, your in the right forum. No doubt it's at least am EA. I'd start snooping, especially about the trip to Atlanta. If her IC is telling her to get away in order to fix your marriage, she needs to get a new IC. Distance ain't gonna help. The vets should be on here to help you out soon. Listen to them.

Thanks, Lookin. The trip to Atlanta had me suspicious, but the OM's flight itinerary (courtesy W's email) showed him leaving here Saturday, 40-minute layover in Atlanta, and then to Kiev...so no time in my book.

She's going to visit several old girlfriends that we knew while there. Nothing about it seems suspicious, but the emails definitely got me going.

She actually said she didn't think the IC was a good fit, had only had two sessions, but was thinking of discontinuing seeing her.

You're 100% right...distance isn't going to help. A week ago, I suggested a trip, getaway, etc. She said she wanted to work on herself right now before working on the marriage. Typical fog BS if you ask me. Yesterday, then, she said a day trip might be nice, but wouldn't really commit beyond saying that the concept was worth considering.

Compared to the 2002 fog, I'd say this is a partly-cloudy fog versus a full-blown one, but that doesn't help much.

I still get a hug and kiss goodnight, she says she isn't "ready" for anything beyond that, so maybe she's having doubts about this OM? Dunno. I think I could rationalize anything at this point.

My friend, you�re fooling yourself if you think this is simply an EA. When you get an email that says, �the usual place?�, that indicates that they meet regularly.

Her distance from you says a lot as well.

My question to you is this:

Why would you possibly want to stay married to a serial cheater if this is indeed her second betrayal? Do you not feel you can do better?

Please don�t tell me that you love her as the answer. I loved my toxic and psycho ex fianc� but am very glad I never married her. Love isn�t enough.

So by coincidence they are both going to be in Atlanta without spouses on Saturday? What are the odds?

It�s not a stretch for him to have some kind of problem making his connection out of Atlanta and having to re-book a flight on Sunday. His company gets to pay for any fees. This is easy stuff for waywards.

This stinks of a setup.

If it is not already a PA it will be by Saturday night.

Can you get the info on OMs wife?

Two very good responses, thanks guys. I honestly don't know if I have the mental strength to form a reply. Make sense?

Just got a text from her with a phone number for a marriage counselor that the neighbors recommended. Crap, is everyone seeing one these days? She wants to make an appointment.

She is likely using the marriage counselor as the standard "I tried to make the marriage" work excuse.

Get yourself a keylogger for the computer, but even more important get a SIM card reader that will let you see all the deleted text messages! Put a GPS on her car -- then you can see if she's really at the coffee shop reading devotionals. HA!

seems to me anyway that she wants to see a marriage counselor just to say..."we tried it...now I want out"...

fine, make an appointment, but go in with the clear intentions that what your marriage needs is a marriage coach...not some feel good counselor that only wants to discuss "feelings" and BS...Go in with the intent to get a clear plan of how you two are going to restore romantic love...take bits and pieces of the MB program and try to implement them, like they're your own...

if she wants out, she's going to have to earn her way out...

in the mean time snoop like crazy...go into work late one morning and follow her, see what she's up to...bust them together and expose it to the world, if that's the case...

if she is having an affair, it needs to be busted up or no progress will be made...

I've been online (and here) reading up on how to do that. Good advice.

Agreed 100%. Actually, she said "seeing if we can get back the romantic life" was a reason for the counselor.

It's like hearing one thing and seeing the other. I know you guys have seen all this before.

You are getting a hug and a kiss goodnight, but she is not ready for anything beyond that....translation....She is remaining true to her affair partner. This is nowhere near 'having doubts about her OM.

Go to Atlanta with her.

She is feeding you a line so that she can go see him.

Go with her. There is no real reason for her to pitch a fit about you going except that it foils her OM plans.

Go with her.

She dropped the kids off at her parents and left this morning. Good plan, though.

FYI, we're in Mississippi, so it's a six hour drive.

Use this time away to snoop. Look at phone records, her drawers in the bedroom, clothes, purse, whatever. Look for proof of the affair.

Guess at her passwords. Odds are it's something easy.

Again, would you want to save things? If so, why?

If you're kid free, hit the road pal...NOW...if you know where she's staying...be there tonight, by midnight...

When I put myself in your place with the facts that you know, there is no way that I would let her go off to Atlanta alone. If it were my hubby doing what your wife is doing, I would be on my way to Atlanta right now. In fact, I would have been in the car with him when he left for Atlanta.

I just don't get this hesitancy.

Yep.

Is she already in Atlanta? answered

Did she drive or fly? answered

Do you have the contact numbers of the friends she is staying with?

Do you have friends in Atlanta?

There is absolutely no conceivable work related reason he would send his travel itinerary to her personal email account. This is a planned hook-up and it�s not for 40 minutes. She can�t even get on the concourse without a ticket.

Did she bring any special lingerie with her? Are there any odd purchases on the credit card the past couple weeks? Snoop.

You have enough evidence already to at least talk to the HR person at their company and express your concerns. Inappropriate late night emails. Inappropriate before work meetings. Now they just coincidentally show up in Atlanta at the same time?

Their company will be highly suspicious if he breaks his itinerary and has a stay in Atlanta after you talk to them and suggest the possibility. And any fees will be on their dime. Companies generally don�t do much about adultery unless it�s proven that they pay for it.

North,
I agree with all on the Atlanta deal. You said his itinerary puts him in Atlanta on a 40 minute layover. Where is he leaving from initially? If your W is leaving now or has already left for Atlanta, it's easy to put 2&2 together. He's leaving a day or two early would be my suspicion. Hell they may even be driving down there together. I know it sucks to hear but your fighting for your marriage. You can't leave any stones unturned!

I don't either. In shock, perhaps? I found the emails this morning and posted here right after.

I know the names/contact info of the women she said that she's going to see. Any suggestions on how to confirm if they know she's coming?

Another poster asked (1) if I wanted to save this and (2) why? The answer to the first is yes, but, as to the second, I don't know "why" or am just scared to admit the "why" or don't know why I don't know why. I imagine y'all would want to slap some sense into me. I'm about four hours into learning of a possible affair, guess my mind just hasn't figured out what to do with the info.

The flight was from Jackson, MS to Atlanta, GA on 7/24 arriving at 10-something in the morning and departing about 45-minutes later.