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Why don't you both go for counseling together? It could be an interactive problem that a counselor could help with.


Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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Hi again folks.

I have had several talks with my female cousin, who is the closest thing to a sister that I will ever have. We are about the same age (early 60's) though our life experiences are different. I was the settle down, get married, have a family guy. She was essentially untethered until she reached 40 - many jobs, many bf's, and traveling all over the world. At 40 she decided she wanted to have a family, so she found a really great guy, married him, and had two kids in two years. To say she his happy with her life is a huge understatement.

She says tells me one of the biggest complaints she hears from friends is that their husband/partner/bf has lost interest in romance and sex. In some cases it is the result of sickness, but in most it just seems that the guys have become stick-in-the-muds. She finds it unbelievable that any woman in her 60's would "waste a good man that way". !! Anyway, she claims I could easily find an interesting woman, who desires romance, in no more than two months.

This is tempting beyond words. So, I guess it is breakup time.


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Erwin,
I think she's right...I don't know about two months, but there are plenty of women out there, good luck to you! I know where you're at with this, I've been there most of my life!


Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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I have spent the last few weeks attending a support group for divorced people that I had attended when I first went through my divorce years ago. I have also been browsing through the MB forums and information.

For the past two months I have tried very hard to make things right with my gf. We have had a few ups and downs, but I have to admit, more downs than ups. I have tried to apply MB principles and I think I have done a decent job for a beginner. I avoid love busters, am very honest with her, and generally treat her like one would expect a man to treat his fiancee.

Now, she is planning to vacation this summer with a girl friend of hers. Normally, that would not bother me, except that earlier we had discussed taking a trip together. I requested a few weeks off in August during the time we planned to travel. I cannot change my vacation time (unless I want to travel in mid winter!) and it's too late to plan something with a buddy. So, now I am planing a short road trip, alone, or maybe just stay home and fix the backyard fence.

Had I done the same thing (plan a trip without her, ignoring our previous plans) she would be furious with me. Apparently, I am supposed to suck it up, stay home, and be a good guy.

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Erwin,
I think you should have discussed it with her the moment you learned her change of plans, not "suck it up"...you should have expressed how it made you feel (disappointed, shoved aside, etc) and also let her know logistically how difficult it's made it for you because it's too late to plan something with one of your friends.


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E, have you tried to plan something with a buddy? Get on the horn! Sure it's short notice, but usually someone will be available for a couple of days. Do not sit at home alone.


Divorced.
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Widowed 11/5/08
Remarrying 12/17/15
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I have been thinking about this for a while and come to a conclusion concerning my reactions to her emotional problems.

I have been letting her problems control my behavior.

I react to her feelings, her issues, her little rude comments, etc.
I am not being myself. I am not acting like the man I am. So I have decided to stop letting her problems yank my chain and push my buttons. Instead, I shall be the man I am - a good guy, who tries (and sometimes fails) to do the right thing. I will practice MB principles and try to put them into practice. No more feeling like garbage when she does something rude or nasty or unfeeling, and letting that feeling control what I do.

It's time for me to be me.

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hurray Erwin, good for you!!!


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EF, you haven't married her yet, right???

Then, let me make a suggestion. I suggest you go get the book Will Our Love Last? It's about compatibility. If you feel like you aren't being yourself, haven't been acting like yourself, the chances are you are with someone who isn't quite compatible enough with you. That book will help you see if you are or aren't.

Also, I wonder how invested she is in the relationship? If my fiancee could only take one vacation, I certainly wouldn't pick that time to go away with my girlfriends. I may go with my girlfriends for a short vacation at a later time, but not the only time I could vacation with him. I'm really sorry. You should find someone who would treat you better. There are plenty of women out there who are thoughtful and kind and who would be thrilled to vacation with their fiance.


Divorced.
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Widowed 11/5/08
Remarrying 12/17/15
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DOn't let the Title keep you from reading. This site will help you! I was in the same situation after my divorce. I eneded up with a 45 gorgeous women. The affection was great until she moved in and we were engaged.

http://www.nomoremrniceguy.com/forums/



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I spent over a year trying to figure her out and what I could of been doing to chase her away. We went to over 20 counseling sessions together (pre-marriage).

One day it clicked... I was alone with the counselor getting coffee in the break room. And the counselor asked "I just have to ask, why do you put up with her behavior?"

I asked her nicely to move back to her home. A week later she was trying to get be in bed. How ironic was that. It told me a lot about her personality.

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N, we are not married and there is no date set for a marriage.

I went for an evening walk last night. As I walked I noticed the families, the couples, the people having dinner with friends. I wondered why I was not among them. I am starting to feel like I did at the end of my marriage. That is - I am with somebody physically, we are mostly civil to each other, but we are no longer a couple, just two separate people doing their thing. We had plans but they never amounted to anything because there is always something else more important.

Last edited by Erwin_flagstone; 07/22/10 05:27 AM.
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The last weekend was instructive. Saturday, she was in the dumps due to issues at work. She did not take it out on me, but obviously she was not fun to be with. It was a though a dark cloud followed her around everywhere.

On Sunday, things improved. She was more affectionate, we had good conversation, and went to a movie in the afternoon. Then, while having coffee after the movie, she brought up some of my old faults, selfish things I had done, old love-busters from over a year ago. She got quite worked up about them, basically telling me that only a bum would do such terrible things. It reached the point that I simply told her I was ending the date early and taking her home.

Why can't we have a nice day together? This is not my idea of what a relationship should be about.

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"This in not my idea of what a relationship should be about."

So, Erwin, why are you in it? Just what is it that keeps you hanging on to what clearly makes you unhappy? That might be a good place to start in evaluating whether or not you end the relationship.


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Originally Posted by nams
So, Erwin, why are you in it? Just what is it that keeps you hanging on to what clearly makes you unhappy?

Exactly...

Erwin, dating is not about trying to salvage a bad relationship, it's about finding a good relationship to begin with.

If you are so miserable, why are you in it? You are just wasting your time with Ms. Wrong, why??

AGG


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Originally Posted by AGoodGuy
Exactly...

Erwin, dating is not about trying to salvage a bad relationship, it's about finding a good relationship to begin with.

AGG

Applauding AGG for his wisdom!

Last edited by Anna2000; 07/25/10 04:43 PM.

The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.
~~Socrates

The secret to happiness is wanting what you already have. ~anonymous
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Erwin,
When you know you could do better...why don't you? Wouldn't you rather be happy? Does she understand the concept of lovebusters? It's very important in a relationship to be a TEAM and to work TOGETHER instead of taking adversarial roles...if you can't get it before marriage, it's not likely to happen afterwards. Good luck to you...there's plenty of others looking for a good man!


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Erwin, How are you doing? Please give us an update...
Hope it's going better for you.


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Hi folks,
It has been quite a while since I last posted anything here. For several months I kept on keeping on doing my best to be supportive and hoping things will turn around. They did not.

So, as of a few days ago the engadgement is off. We still will stay friends. It will take a while to be comfortable with that, but I trust that time will heal the wounds.

So, now I am a free man, just in time to be alone for the holidays. Hmm.... I need to get out more!

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This has been an interesting holiday now that I am "single" again. At first things were slow and lonely. However, I made up my mind to make good use of this time. I have given my house a thorough cleaning, and made some necessary repairs. I have also reconnected with some friends whom I have not seen for a long time.

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