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If I can you can. I am paying rent and a mortgage so I do not have to dwell in the same building as OW, imagine if I would dwell with my WH knowing he is killing himself with booze and seeing OW or at least thinkig about her..
Money can buy you some peace.
blessing


atena
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There is now way I can pay for 2 places. I live in Panama City,Fl and the rent here for a decent place is high. My house payments with everything else I pay for doesn't leave me much. I am not going to work 60 plus hours a week any more. Once I get the money for my divorce and get my divorce he will have to leave. Just give me a couple of months and I will be divorced and ok.


BW-me 47yrs
WH-him 50yrs
married 24yrs, together 25 yrs,DD 25yrs, DD 22yrs(granddaughter born 3/14/2012).
D-Day#1 discovered cell phone calls 6/30/2009
D-Day#2 7/26/2009
Plan D 06/2012/WH served 8/17/12
WH left 7/25/2009/WH moved in with OW 7/29/2009
Trying to reconcile 12/30/2009/left 10/22/2010
2nd OW 8/2011? and living in Idaho.
"Dochas" Gaelic for hope which I have with me at all times because it is tattooed on my lower back.
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ok, 2 months are goingt to go by fast. So he does not contribute to the mortgage.
Mammamia....you will be glad when he is out of your life.
And he has diabetes and drinks, does he understand the consequences? Is he on insuline? How does he control his blood sugar when he drinks like a sponge. He is trying to kill himself
blessing


atena
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It seems traci,(phoenix), has no choice but to get a D to get WH/Alc away from her, and it doesn't seem she has anything left for hope of him changing.

I want to point out that she shows signs of co-dependance herself. No Sin, those of us who have been there realize how the trap is set, the good intentions, the pulling it together to protect who we percieve as innocent victims, in other words, the excuses we allow them to have in the name of love.

I can only speak from my experiance in this, my former wife was an alcoholic, and I left her for 2 years becuse she wore me out, I hadn't planned on returning, but the need to be there for my children along with the partial recovery,(she stopped drinking for a year and started back to church), caused me to reconsider and return.

She never addmitted she had a drinking problem and never went to AA or any realistic counseling about her drinking or the reasons she drank, so eventually she relapsed even worse.

If it wasn't for the children, then DD6 and DS2, I would never had returned, I don't regret it for those reasons. but it took a lot out of me and I still am getting over it. Without small children to protect, I don't think Phoenix should be with WH until he is full blown into a program and on his knees before God, both, and that on top of working the MB plan.

You should go to Alanon Traci, it will take a long time to put the alcoholic H you know behind you. That part of him is destructiveand only keeps you angry and confused. There is no reason for his actions. Excuses are reasons stuffed with a lie and you need to heal from the damage he has done to you. It makes no difference that its called a desease and they say he is sick, this is a sickness he has chosen out of selfishness, maybe he can't see it, but thats his problem. Your issue is to see where out of love towards him, you have enabled it. Yes out of caring, commpasiion, longsuffering, faith,sacrifice, all the things we do for those weaker than us because thats what love is to the brave and loyal, but its wasted on the selfish, let God handle him. I assure you he will do a good job.

I am still processing the difference between the woman I fell in love with, the family we were trying to build, the dedicaion we had to each other. the time way back when when sacrifice would bring about a future we would share in our old age and the sickness that took that woman away from our family that was based in her own fear and turning to denial and drugs, (alcohol being the door).

I am a fair man, I must give credit where credit is due. She was not allways that unstable, she once was a very special Lady and letting her go has allways been hard because I saw the person she wanted to be and the dreams she had, the character she once possessed and the pain she had endured at the hands of others that she had put in her past. She has never belonged to me, she has allways been Gods, I was just to be her freind and live right with her in this world.

It was the temptation to blame others for her emotional problems and her making excuses for her addictive behavior that gave her the right in her opinion to abuse herself, her family, and the gift life is.

The alcohol is just a manifestation of a deeper problem. Alanon can help you see that, make peace with it and give you the tools to forgive him without allowing him to continue to infect your life with his sickness. MB can help you repair your marriage if you want to after that. Right now he finds peace in his bottle instead of his relationship with God and you. He needs those things Traci, he might not know it, but thats for him to figure out.

IF, you decide later after he stops drinking to take him back when he shows some ability to act responsibly and makes an effort to reconcile the marriage I strongly recommend you find out and address theunderlying issues that has brought him to this state of mind and living in the first place. I don't want to see a relapse into something bad for you or your family/life. Find out what he needs to do for you and make him do it with no excuse. You deserve that.

Make no mistake we take time to forgive, its a long process and even tougher when its someone we saw such good things in, and who has loved us in the past. Its not all on our shoulders though, it takes two to build a marriage, and only one to tear it apart. The pain goes deep, the betrayal affects us more than anything else that anyone can do.

But that is when God steps in and heals us, makes us whole again, and removes the poison of bitterness through forgivness in time, decently and in order.


Me 56 Former BS
Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years.
4 children
DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4
Me former BS
DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr
DSs 26 and 23
Teilhard de Chardin..“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” ...Sounds about right to me.
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Thank you for the beautiful post CS!

Blessing


atena
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Don't I know it. He doesn't check blood sugar anymore. He went off all medication when he lost about 50# last year. The last time he checked his blood sugar was months ago when I bugged him about it. And yes, it does look like he is trying to kill himself. Trying to drown yourself in a bottle to forget and to blunt the pain is going to kill him. I can't help it if he thinks about me all the time. I know he does because he did last time and I know him.


BW-me 47yrs
WH-him 50yrs
married 24yrs, together 25 yrs,DD 25yrs, DD 22yrs(granddaughter born 3/14/2012).
D-Day#1 discovered cell phone calls 6/30/2009
D-Day#2 7/26/2009
Plan D 06/2012/WH served 8/17/12
WH left 7/25/2009/WH moved in with OW 7/29/2009
Trying to reconcile 12/30/2009/left 10/22/2010
2nd OW 8/2011? and living in Idaho.
"Dochas" Gaelic for hope which I have with me at all times because it is tattooed on my lower back.
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It is very hard to see someone you love just destroy himself. YOu know he is going to suffer a lot for what he has chosen, no matter how wonderful his life in the A might appear now.

I have to say that I saw glipses of a wonderful person in my WH. He truly is a remarkable man. He just does not see it or know it and his behaviour now might bring him to the point where he has to face himself. I hope so because I will always love him,but can't allow the poison of his behaviour to continue to pollute my life.

blessing


atena
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Quote
I can't help it if he thinks about me all the time. I know he does because he did last time and I know him.
In which way does he think about you all the time?

blessing


atena
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H didn't use to drink. He didn't start until he left me last year and when he came back he quit. He started drinking about once a week back in March and this drinking like this started 2 weeks ago. I'm not making excuses for him, he did this to himself. It was he decision to do this, his choice,like his adultery. No excuses.


BW-me 47yrs
WH-him 50yrs
married 24yrs, together 25 yrs,DD 25yrs, DD 22yrs(granddaughter born 3/14/2012).
D-Day#1 discovered cell phone calls 6/30/2009
D-Day#2 7/26/2009
Plan D 06/2012/WH served 8/17/12
WH left 7/25/2009/WH moved in with OW 7/29/2009
Trying to reconcile 12/30/2009/left 10/22/2010
2nd OW 8/2011? and living in Idaho.
"Dochas" Gaelic for hope which I have with me at all times because it is tattooed on my lower back.
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He is in a mess, really. He has no feelings left. Maybe he will hit bottom soon. I wish that on him because only then he will be willing to work on something constructive for his life.
blessing


atena
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Originally Posted by atena
Thank you for the beautiful post CS!

Blessing

Right back at ya hurray

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CS great post.

Traci, have you ever attended an Alanon meeting? It is not to save your spouse but yourself. I know you are thinking if i divorce him why would I need to go since you don't have the problem. BUT this is a family disease. It is a safe place for you.

You are caught up in the daily drama as long as he is in that house. You are the caretaker for him and it is not healthy for you. I know you do not see it this way but you are enabling him to continue drinking as long as he is living there.

take care.


Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09

Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
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For some reason, and maybe I'm missing it, but every time someone has brought up the word AlAnon, traci/phoenix has ducked the question. Alanon is not AA, it's for the family members of alcoholics. Is there something holding you back? Do you not want to admit your WH is an alcoholic? Just curious....


Me:BW, FWH 1DD 1DS
Status: Chronicled in Dr. Suess's "The Zax"
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I am not ducking the question about AlAnon. I'm just not going to go. I don't feel like it and that is my right. I know all about the program and all about AA. I could really care less if my H becomes an alcoholic, which he is fast becoming. He deserves it after what he has done to me. I am just going to leave him alone in his own personal H--l that he has created.

I am still seeing an IC and will continue that.


BW-me 47yrs
WH-him 50yrs
married 24yrs, together 25 yrs,DD 25yrs, DD 22yrs(granddaughter born 3/14/2012).
D-Day#1 discovered cell phone calls 6/30/2009
D-Day#2 7/26/2009
Plan D 06/2012/WH served 8/17/12
WH left 7/25/2009/WH moved in with OW 7/29/2009
Trying to reconcile 12/30/2009/left 10/22/2010
2nd OW 8/2011? and living in Idaho.
"Dochas" Gaelic for hope which I have with me at all times because it is tattooed on my lower back.
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Posts: 1,688
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Isn't AlAnon about family and dependant recovery/survival? If I am right, PR, this will help YOU.


Me; W 46
Him; H 46

2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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Did he make it home from the camp out? Maybe he had an epiphany out in the woods. Maybe a bear ate him. Perhaps he found Jesus.

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Maybe a bear found Jesus and ate your WH,

Sorry , couldn't help it.

Does your IC think co-dependance counseling like AL-anon does would be helpful to you?

Aren't you angry at yourself for accepting his behavior for so long? Or do you feel like you are completly healed now just getting him to leave when your divorced?

I think you are a strong woman, and no doubt you will survive while moving forward. I am just looking out for you and your future, as a brother in Christ. What does the Old boyfriend think or his wife?

Talk to your IC about this and I hope they are a good fit for you.

A word to the wise is sufficient

Last edited by ConstantProcess; 07/28/10 05:21 AM.

Me 56 Former BS
Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years.
4 children
DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4
Me former BS
DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr
DSs 26 and 23
Teilhard de Chardin..“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” ...Sounds about right to me.
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yeah Alanon is what used to be called. "Children and family of alcoholics anonymous" Its for the people who have lived and loved alcoholics.

I know you don't enable him to drink traci, but the rest of his behavior smells like you have been his Mommy for a long time.

Many alcoholics are told to get away from co-dependant relationships, you fit the bill of this type.

Before you hand me my head, so do I. I am half dead doing for others and quite accomplished but there is a line that we cross in personal relationships with certain kinds of people. This does not help them or is it a balanced way for us to live.

Thats as far as I go with the explaination, talk to your IC or live in denial. God be with you.

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Originally Posted by Holyheart
Did he make it home from the camp out? Maybe he had an epiphany out in the woods. Maybe a bear ate him. Perhaps he found Jesus.

I was going to laugh, rotflmao but then I thought you may be serious...

soooo..

Last edited by barbiecat; 07/27/10 09:13 PM.

Me; W 46
Him; H 46

2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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What is your IC suggest about your situation at home


Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09

Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
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