Track down the OM's wife and get prepared for a 6-hour drive.

1. Yes, I could get in touch with the people that she says she's staying with.

2. No, I don't know anyone over there that is still there.

3. I didn't see her pack, but did check the credit cards and bank account. Nothing suspicious.

4. Their company is maybe a handful of people. I'm not entirely sure, but believe he runs it. She is actually employed by a different non-profit, but their two agencies get a grant by "sharing" employees, so that's why she's at their office.

Another question, how do I get email updates when someone replies to this thread? I believe a lot of forums offer that, but I'm just not seeing it.

Northwood,

go up to where you can see "topic Option" (beside new topic), click on it, then click on 'add topic to watched topics'

Then click on "my stuff", scroll down to watch list and click on watched topics. You should be able to set it to 'email me' from there, although it often seems to set to email by default.

You are getting good advice. I would act on it as soon as possible.

I said the same kind of things your wife said four years ago. And I wanted time for "me." And I pulled away in favor of "girl friends." And I was attracted to a coworker who eventually had a full-blown affair with.

I don't want to alarm you, but it sounds just like I did. I would snoop. And I would call these friends immediately. Say that there is something you can't find or that you left something in the car or something. Don't let her know you have suspicions because she'll just start working on a story.

I agree that driving straight to where she is headed is a good move. Act now. If she is just toying with this thing and hasn't gone all in yet...it would be good to stop it before it gets there.

And yeah, this therapist of hers is not good. How long has she been taking Cymbalta, btw?

She was on Zoloft for about a year, then went to a psychiatrist who prescribed the Cymbalta about a year ago. She said the original dosage was terrible, now refers to the psych as a quack, and is getting the prescription (adjusted dosage) from her general practitioner (sp?). I don't know how qualified a family doctor is to do that. One thing at a time, right?

The plan for Atlanta was to spend the night with a family friend tonight, person #2 on Friday and Saturday, person #3 on Sunday and person #4 on Monday. Atlanta's a large town, and these friends are easily a 40-minute drive from each other.

I'm not driving to Atlanta, I don't even know where I would go to find out anything. I really really appreciate the ideas, though and know that I'm sounding like a wimp on this.

I've had time to go through her laptop at home, nothing found. Ditto bank accounts and, other than what I've posted, nothing from email. I don't have access to her cell phone, it's a work phone, but I did try to register and login on the AT&T website. No dice, you have to have the account number which I have no way of obtaining.

Since learning of this this morning, I've come to these conclusions:

1. I'll probably get really pi$$ed off about this tonight when I cannot sleep.

2. I really just want to ask her if she's cheating on me. Screw this wondering, questioning, etc. etc. etc.

3. Is #2 above best done now, over the phone, when I think that I'm not strong or

4. Better left for in person on Tuesday?

The idea about calling the friends is a good one, that is, asking where something is around the house. I don't have phone numbers (thought I did) but have their info from wife's facebook thing. I did send a message to one of them who just had a baby...told her congratulations and to try not to let the W spend too much money this weekend.

No response yet, but think that is a start.

So does wanting to completely shutdown and hide under a pillow seem a normal reaction to this kind of thing? I think it is, am just waiting for the initial thud to wear off so that I can think a little clearer.

NW,

Also download and run an "UNDELETE" program on your wifes laptop, when a computer "deletes" a file, the data is not erased but just "forgotten".

This is good to find things like us_having_sex.JPG etc.

God Bless
Gamma

Thanks, will look for a program like that.

Any suggestions?

http://ntfsundelete.com/

Not sure how good this one is, did a quick search and it seems ok.

I've used these in the past and they were very effective to see what the kids were looking at on the internet.

Gamma

Just tried it it looks like it works well
Download NTFS Undelete (Windows installer) you will see this link for windows

Thanks for the links, I appreciate it. Found one and it pulled 15,000 files...wow.

Nothing much, internet explorer temp files, cookies, etc.

Was really hoping it would pull out deleted gmail emails, but, from what I've read, once they're gone, they're gone.

did you use search, advanced search and narrow down by date?

Assume some communications in the last few days, possibly a *.jpg or *.JPEG image

NW,

The drive to Atlanta could end up being fruitless. Don't ask right now, since she might go further underground in her affair and hide things more.

Your reaction is also completely normal. Saving your marriage is your decision to make, but a serial cheater will break your heart over and over and simply lead you to a premature death. Unless you're willing to stand your ground and draw massive boundaries which will force her to change, then you will simply be doing nothing and setting yourself up for future heartbreak.

People here will support you no matter what you decide to do, but the one thing you MUST keep in mind is that you deserve better than to be cheated on and have NOTHING to fear from her anger. The anger of a wayward is mostly like the bark of a dog. Lots of noise, but ultimately a bluff.

What you need to do right now is plan your butt off and be ready.

Snoop the way you are. Gather your evidence. Hire a PI if you can afford it.

There really is no reason for him to send her his itenirary for a 40 minute layover unless he was planning on staying longer.

Put a keylogger on your computer, which will likely lead you to the answers you seek.

What you need to keep first and foremost on your mind right now is that women don't respect wimps. They do respect cool calm and collected men. Think James Bond when you're feeling weak.

As far as sleep, take something to help. Ambien worked for me.

Sorry you're going through this.

Thanks for the kind words, helpthelostdads.

Managed to eat something, took willpower just to chew. I think it's too soon for me to confront, I need to be in a better frame of mind.

Also picked up a pack of smokes, not sure how I talked myself into that after over a year. Great.

Do not ask her about an A until you have something concrete. She will say no, cry because you are mean and don't trust her, tell you that THAT is the kind of thing that makes her want to be alone, etc. Then she will go and hide anything that might give it away. I am not bashing your wife, just telling you what waywards do.

Agreed. I spent most of the day thinking about what I would say, etc. She called about an hour ago, said she had gotten there just fine.

She asked if I'd made an appointment for the joint counselor. I said no, they have a waiting list and someone will call me back in 7-10 days to schedule something.

We agreed that something sooner was better, and she recommended asking our minister if he had any recommendations. I said that was fine, let's see what he says. I want to get somewhere next week, and would really prefer to broach this subject with her in a "safe" environment where she cannot storm out of the house or slam down the phone.

We'll see what tomorrow brings.

I can relate to the smokes thing. Same with the lack of apetite.

Be strong. You will get through this.

I know it seems like the end of the world. It isn't. Believe me.

Keep your chin up, be proud. Be a man. Deal with the shock, but hold your head high, come up with a plan, and be ready.

I hope, really, really hope, that we're all wrong and that this is nothing more than an over active imagination. I have yet to see such a thing, though, based on what you've described. Just be ready for the worst.

No real update, but wondered if anyone had tried this:

http://www.mobilespytool.com/spy_features.html

Please update us. How are you doing?

Her friends have been talking to her, all are concerned about what is going on. They tell me that she says she just isn't happy, but has nothing to be unhappy about. I don't think there is an affair going on, she denied it to her friends but admits that she flirts....hmmmmm...not cool.

She says she wants to know how to, basically, fall in love again. I used cues from this site and she agreed it sounds reasonable. I'm hopeful in this regard, but (you knew there was a 'but' coming) this whole lack of SF is really hard on me.

Her friends tell me that she says she doesn't want sexual anything and purposely closed that door as she doesn't feel connected anymore. I don't know.

But in all other regards, she acts fairly normal, is friendly, smiles, talks, etc. but physical contact is just not there unless I initiate it (hug, nothing more). It's just not one of her EN's, period.

Thursday (yesterday) she decided we should all rent a beach house for this weekend through Wednesday. So we're leaving in the morning with two kids for a 5+ hour drive. I don't know what to think and am almost scared to ask. Make sense?

We (me and her friends) think that she is suffering from depression...hence the roller coaster emotions. She goes from friends to friends, with a whole lot of contact, visits, etc. to zero contact. Constant zero to sixty to zero and a lot of people are concerned.

She's on Cymbalta, has been for about a year, but I need to convince her to see a psychiatrist for a proper diagnosis and to, hopefully, get her something that helps her. Now, how that subject is to be broached may be tricky, we'll see, but I don't think that the current prescription is doing any good. She, of course, doesn't think that anything is wrong there, but I tend to think that sick people don't often realize that they are sick.

We did go to our first joint counseling on Wednesday. It went ok, I guess, and I like the lady that we spoke with. She spoke with both of us at first, then her, then me and then a few minutes before we left. I told her (the counselor) of my suspicion of an EA, and she said my wife had not mentioned it, but she would definitely pursue it and I got a good feeling for her. We go back August 11, the counselor is out next week.

So that's it in a nutshell, but the consensus is that there is some depression there but I'm still on the fence as far as an affair goes. I did ask her if she was having one, "no" of course, but I really needed to address that elephant in the room.

Oh, she had a few migraines the past month or so, but none lately. I think it's stress-induced, all the more reason to see a real mental-health professional instead of the family doctor for the anti-depressant medications.

I know this is rambling, thoughts, suggestions, comments? We're leaving in the morning for the beach. Though my mind may not be there 100%, it'll be there for our kids as I really am trying to shelter them from all of this. They are five and two, but I think our oldest is starting to sense something as he's really been attached to me lately and asked why "mommy always has headaches" or "mommy looks tired." Breaks my heart.