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#2413076 08/03/10 12:48 PM
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I realize that you get these threads here all of the time. Honestly though I do know each situation is differnt and was hoping and praying for some advice that could be of use.

On June 17th my wife told me she was talking to another man. She just "clicked" with him and dident know how she felt about him but was feeling guilty because of it and felt she had to tell me. I asked her if this other man knew how she was feeling and she told me no. I asked her to let it be and not bring it up and suggest she not talk to him anymore until it was figured out. Then we made love as usual most nights and then the next day she told me she was leaving the following day after we droped my step daughter off to her fathers for the summer. she needed a week to find her "clairity". I relucktantly agreed but dident feel I really had any other choice in the matter. She came back the following day in a good mood then proceeded to tell me she said at her friends across the street (her car was there all night) and that she was just having a "mid life crisis". I said ok then. Then she told me she was leaving agian for a bit I told her OK I'm making dinner tommorow will you be there and she said yes. She dident come home that night but was there after work for dinner. She was in a roten mood I asked her how her search for clairty was (she told me she would give me a percentage each day and sunday was 45%) got mad and yelled at me to quit pushing her...I was just asking and I did in a calm causual manner. She ate some of her dinner then left. Ignoring our son and dident come back until Friday. Wednesday I went to her work to get my script filled and she was not there her co-workers told me she had gone home sick and they asked me if we had a bad dinner last night becasue we both looked ill. Isent her test asked if she was home and OK and she just responded with "were done" I tried tog et an answer from her finaly she agreed to meet me down the street . When we met she admited to the cheating on me with tears in her eyes. She would not look at me. I immedatly told her I forgave her it does not need to end because of this. She said you cant forgive me for this I'm sorry. I couldent forgive you if it was it was you who had did this. I told her I swear on our kids lives I forgive her it doesent matter forgive and forget lets move on. She kicked me out of the carand I did not see her agian for 2 days. She came and took our son to his dctors appointment. I still think it was so she could get anti-axeity pills but she claims no. She was there for the weekend because my mother was in town for a festival that was going on and she almost preteneded to be happy. Her brother came as well and he knew what was going on and tried to talk to her but all he did was make her more angry about it and her attidude contiued. She got messed up on her pills from the doctor and a bit of beer and and spilled a little saying this guy was 2 years younger than me and that he was not even good in bed. Anyway after that point she would show up when she wanted to at betwen 1:30am and 2:30am and a few times closer to 3:00am and wake up at 8 or 8:30am and goto work never seeing our son. then at the end of July she she told me she was moving out and wanted her own place for some "space". So I helped her I lent her the money for the security despoist and first months rent. She moved out on July 24th. I actuly did the moving she just helped me move all the stuff, her and I did this alone while giving a story to our 2 kids (step daughter was back for the week) it is still note worthy that while our daughter was there she only left every other night including the first night she was back!. So I told her she would have to make her car payment and car insurance (all in my name) and pay me directly. I would give her 25 bucks a month toward her rent and I have contiued to pay her cell phone bill. I have also given her money this week for food seems as she is taking our son for the this week and she had no food in the house. But we agreed to and wrote down rules for our seperation a 30 day set and a 6 month set. Rule in both of them was no dating or sex outside of marriage and last night she admited to still sleeping with the guy. I asked her to stop that as part of our agrement was no talking to either one of us! But I asked her to stop sleeping with him and respect the covidant of marriage and she got mad but said that she would. I dotn believe her at all. So now that they are friends and not lovers s she feels it will be ok to havehim around my son! which I told her apsulutly not but she said she would do it anyway. Yet after telling me she wants a divocre early in the evening later in the evening she said she dident know what she wanted. I just told her I love and that she is worth waiting for to me. Also she told me last night early in the night that there were 2 main reasons why we cant work things out. She dont want to try because I wouldent listen to her before, well after 2/1/10 becaus e the company I got bought out from I was worried about losing my job and she said it dont matter if we are poor agian we can make. Well she says that now but she sure dident ssay anything when I was going through it. The other reason is he cant forgive herself for what she done. It is unforgiveable and she cant deal with it. I told her that was a copout. I had forgiven her she can stop the issues and we could try. She admitted if we did try that we could have a buitifull thing a great relationship but she dont want to try what if it went back the way it was? I told her you are in the drivers seat, you get your divorce with no contest from me and we move. she said yeah but then I would have to give up my freedom and happiness. Hmm no you have admited if we got back together you would be happy. then she said yes well there is still the whole I am not "in love" with you part. I told her that comes with time and if we are happy it will come. She loves me but is not "in love with me"

As a disclaimer she is bi-polar / depressed (depends on the doctor) and she quit taking her meds 3 days before all of this started and was trying to quit smoking. She is now in counseling and started last week at my behest. Sot hat is a start and with her abusive childhood she has a lot of issues to get over. But I love her and I want us to at least try.

Sorry for rambling and I did read the coping artilces but they dont seem to adress where I am now. Sorry for rambling. But I guess this is what I get for asking her to get a job when she dident need too. now she is with a co-worker.


info

wife 32
me 28
daughter 10
son 6 will be 7 on the 20th of this month

Last edited by ryanv; 08/03/10 12:59 PM.

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You need some strong coaching....

I am probably not the one to assist since I would of packed her bags for her but not given her a dime. You may browse over here too. I think it can help you.

**edit**

I simply can not relate to your actions. I guess I have a different look on things.

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How is that MarriageBuilders advice, BobJan? confused

ryanv, could you try breaking your post up into paragraphs? It's a little easier to digest that way.

How much reading have you done on the MB site? Do you understand Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts? Have you read his articles on infidelity?

You sound like you want to save things, but you'll need a clear head and concrete plans. The materials and members here can help you with that.

First, though, start w/ the paragraphs in your post and reading. Hopefully vets will come along who are more prepared than I for advising you on your next steps. Sorry you are here.


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I wish you well ryanv. I was in your shoes for 19 years, so I understand where you are.

It took a few strong people to show me what was happening. I apologize if my words were short as I am a 'direct' kind of guy.

I did not continue my marriage after her affair. It took a few months of groveling, begging and crying then I stopped. I sought counsel from my Pastor and another Minister friend. My XW was vile and sent me tons of nasty emails. My response was to go completely black on her (Plan B).

I needed a backbone and from your post above, you do too.


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Please help this poster with Marriage Builders concepts.

Thank you


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Originally Posted by ryanv
I realize that you get these threads here all of the time. Honestly though I do know each situation is differnt and was hoping and praying for some advice that could be of use.

On June 17th my wife told me she was talking to another man. She just "clicked" with him and dident know how she felt about him but was feeling guilty because of it and felt she had to tell me. I asked her if this other man knew how she was feeling and she told me no. I asked her to let it be and not bring it up and suggest she not talk to him anymore until it was figured out. Then we made love as usual most nights and then the next day she told me she was leaving the following day after we droped my step daughter off to her fathers for the summer.

she needed a week to find her "clairity". I relucktantly agreed but dident feel I really had any other choice in the matter. She came back the following day in a good mood then proceeded to tell me she said at her friends across the street (her car was there all night) and that she was just having a "mid life crisis". I said ok then. Then she told me she was leaving agian for a bit I told her OK I'm making dinner tommorow will you be there and she said yes.

She dident come home that night but was there after work for dinner. She was in a roten mood I asked her how her search for clairty was (she told me she would give me a percentage each day and sunday was 45%) got mad and yelled at me to quit pushing her...I was just asking and I did in a calm causual manner. She ate some of her dinner then left. Ignoring our son and dident come back until Friday.

Wednesday I went to her work to get my script filled and she was not there her co-workers told me she had gone home sick and they asked me if we had a bad dinner last night becasue we both looked ill. Isent her test asked if she was home and OK and she just responded with "were done" I tried tog et an answer from her finaly she agreed to meet me down the street .

When we met she admited to the cheating on me with tears in her eyes. She would not look at me. I immedatly told her I forgave her it does not need to end because of this. She said you cant forgive me for this I'm sorry. I couldent forgive you if it was it was you who had did this. I told her I swear on our kids lives I forgive her it doesent matter forgive and forget lets move on. She kicked me out of the carand I did not see her agian for 2 days.

She came and took our son to his dctors appointment. I still think it was so she could get anti-axeity pills but she claims no. She was there for the weekend because my mother was in town for a festival that was going on and she almost preteneded to be happy. Her brother came as well and he knew what was going on and tried to talk to her but all he did was make her more angry about it and her attidude contiued.

She got messed up on her pills from the doctor and a bit of beer and and spilled a little saying this guy was 2 years younger than me and that he was not even good in bed. Anyway after that point she would show up when she wanted to at betwen 1:30am and 2:30am and a few times closer to 3:00am and wake up at 8 or 8:30am and goto work never seeing our son. then at the end of July she she told me she was moving out and wanted her own place for some "space".

So I helped her I lent her the money for the security despoist and first months rent. She moved out on July 24th. I actuly did the moving she just helped me move all the stuff, her and I did this alone while giving a story to our 2 kids (step daughter was back for the week) it is still note worthy that while our daughter was there she only left every other night including the first night she was back!. So I told her she would have to make her car payment and car insurance (all in my name) and pay me directly. I would give her 25 bucks a month toward her rent and I have contiued to pay her cell phone bill. I have also given her money this week for food seems as she is taking our son for the this week and she had no food in the house.

But we agreed to and wrote down rules for our seperation a 30 day set and a 6 month set. Rule in both of them was no dating or sex outside of marriage and last night she admited to still sleeping with the guy. I asked her to stop that as part of our agrement was no talking to either one of us! But I asked her to stop sleeping with him and respect the covidant of marriage and she got mad but said that she would. I dotn believe her at all. So now that they are friends and not lovers s she feels it will be ok to havehim around my son! which I told her apsulutly not but she said she would do it anyway.

Yet after telling me she wants a divocre early in the evening later in the evening she said she dident know what she wanted. I just told her I love and that she is worth waiting for to me. Also she told me last night early in the night that there were 2 main reasons why we cant work things out. She dont want to try because I wouldent listen to her before, well after 2/1/10 becaus e the company I got bought out from I was worried about losing my job and she said it dont matter if we are poor agian we can make.

Well she says that now but she sure dident ssay anything when I was going through it. The other reason is he cant forgive herself for what she done. It is unforgiveable and she cant deal with it. I told her that was a copout. I had forgiven her she can stop the issues and we could try. She admitted if we did try that we could have a buitifull thing a great relationship but she dont want to try what if it went back the way it was?

I told her you are in the drivers seat, you get your divorce with no contest from me and we move. she said yeah but then I would have to give up my freedom and happiness. Hmm no you have admited if we got back together you would be happy. then she said yes well there is still the whole I am not "in love" with you part. I told her that comes with time and if we are happy it will come. She loves me but is not "in love with me"

As a disclaimer she is bi-polar / depressed (depends on the doctor) and she quit taking her meds 3 days before all of this started and was trying to quit smoking. She is now in counseling and started last week at my behest. Sot hat is a start and with her abusive childhood she has a lot of issues to get over. But I love her and I want us to at least try.

Sorry for rambling and I did read the coping artilces but they dont seem to adress where I am now. Sorry for rambling. But I guess this is what I get for asking her to get a job when she dident need too. now she is with a co-worker.


(Breaking up the paragraphs as best I could)

info

wife 32
me 28
daughter 10
son 6 will be 7 on the 20th of this month


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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ryanv Offline OP
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thank you for breaking that up I am at work and this version of internet explorer keep jumping around in the text box causing me some trouble. Thank you for the responses so far. I did the read article on infidelity. But she has already moved out so I wish I would have found this place before I honestly do. But any advice would be apprecated.


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Even though she already moved out there are still things that you can do at this point.

The first thing you are going to do is not continue to finance her time away from you. She wants to live on her own, then she will have to learn what it will be like to live on her own.

What is your custody arrangement lie right now? Have you consulted an attorney? Do you know your rights where you live?

Although every situation may seem different, waywards all tend to act as if they are reading from the same script. that is why the MB plans are so well defined. You need to follow it to the T and not pick and choose what you want. there is no reason to delve into your WWs past. The only thing that matters right now is killing this affair.

Have you read through this thread yet? http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240

Don't skip anything. It is a good starting point to this site and will help guide you in this crucial time. We ALL wish we would have found this place sooner. Just be thankful that you DID find this place. Welcome and get reading laugh


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

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I want to thank you for your reply Scotland.

Not finance her? That is going to be a topic of discussion on our first joint counseling session Monday the 9th. I'm done I will only pay for her cell phone as she cant afford one and she will have my kids every other week.

We have a agreement between us that is written but nothing through the courts.

I have consulted a attorney and i have "Order of Separate Maintenance" papers drawn up I just don't have it in me to sign them and turn them in. I just want things to work out so badly. Attorney just told me to take my son and pray for my step daughter. But I cant abandon her, she has lived with me since she has been 23 months old and I am her Father as far as I am concerned.

I just started reading it. I have read some of the articles in it but I will continue to read them as well as the book I'm reading called "Love Must Be Tough"

I am glad I found this place just wish I wouldn't have been crying and pacing miles everyday instead of coming up with a plan. But I was inconsolable for a while and still struggle. But yes I will read and read. thank you all again for your kind words and please help, I hate to have to say it because I am a strong self confidant person but I am shaken to the core and I feel like I have nothing left. I guess I'm just not used to asking for help.


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well taking advice from in here, last nights divorce negotiations turned into marriage counseling. She admitted what emotion needs I had not met but with only 15 minutes left to the session after her time I did'ent have time to discuss mine. But we sat outside in the car for an hour and discussed baby steps to work on things until OM moves out of state on the 23rd. At first she said we would wait until he moves. I told her if that was the case dont bother so she has agreed to some steps. Grrr this is a long frustrating road. But at least it appears we are on the same path now. She was pissed to see I had looked him up on facebook though WTF really that was a invasion of privacy to view public information that he had posted? wow


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Quote
She was pissed to see I had looked him up on facebook though WTF really that was a invasion of privacy to view public information that he had posted? wow

ryan - when a WS says, "You're invading my privacy!" what they really mean is, "You're interfering with my affair!"

Besides, you didn't invade her Privacy.

You invaded her Secrecy.

Big difference.

There is a place for some Privacy in a marriage, but none at all for Secrecy.

She is trying to bully you into getting off her back and leaving her alone so she can continue with her boyfriend in peace. Don't fall for it.

P.S. The "baby steps to work on things" is just stalling to keep her affair going. Even if/when OM moves, it'll be something else. There is NO hope for your marriage if she is in contact with him in any way, shape or form. NONE.

She is trying to negotiate with you to keep her boyfriend in the picture. Again - don't fall for it. NO CONTACT is the only hope your marriage has.



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well anit I fool, she has taken no steps to come up with this plan for me to meet her emotional needs like the we all agreed to with the counselor. And this week OM was at her apartment every night. Someone please help me I have read everything but I just dont know where to start I'm just sop frustrated


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ryanv,

Have you read up about plan a and b on this site? There is soooo much info here you really need to read up.

You have totally enabled your wife to have an affair.

I would go into plan a first because you have been a begging, emotional mess, which is highly unattractive to the wayward. I know because that is what I did at first. How do you expect your WW to respect you when you let her roll all over you?

Anyway, you need to man up and not put up with this. Hope some wise ones come on soon to help you out.

How many people have you exposed to? I would expose to all of OM's facebook friends. Does her family know? The kids?

Exposure really helps to bring the affair to an end in a lot of cases.

You can survive your WW's anger for exposing her A, but you will not save your marriage if you do not have a plan.

This is probably about the best place you can come for support and direction to save your marriage.

Mel and Pep where are you?

Please read the help on this site, order His Needs, Her Needs and Surviving an Affair from this website.

Better yet, save all the money that you have been giving your WW to support her affair and use it to make an appointment with Harley's. Definitely the best money you will ever spend to save your marriage.

Love in Christ,
Miss M


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Originally Posted by Miss M
Mel and Pep where are you?

MissM, where are you? You have been here as long as me! Great advice, btw! smile


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Thank you for your response. Truly thank you as I feel rather alone.

I have read the basic concepts but I am still unsure on what Plan A and Plan B are in implementation.

Quote
You have totally enabled your wife to have an affair.

Ouch but true

Quote
I would go into plan a first because you have been a begging, emotional mess, which is highly unattractive to the wayward. I know because that is what I did at first. How do you expect your WW to respect you when you let her roll all over you?

true true, I will start Plan A then. Now I did ignore her for a week except when it came to questions about the kids and then she wanted to talk reconciliation...well until the next day. So was that more a plan b approach?

Quote
How many people have you exposed to? I would expose to all of OM's facebook friends. Does her family know? The kids?

Everyone knows I have told everyone and even her friends tell her she is making a mistake and she better not to long to fix it or I may not be there. The kids do not know. I just told my 6 year old that mommy needs space basically. When my daughter comes home the 28th that will be the tough one.

Quote
Exposure really helps to bring the affair to an end in a lot of cases.

This guy moves out of state and starts a new job the 23rd, so WW tells me thats the natural ending but wants to work on us before he leaves......Yup I'm bitter about that

Quote
You can survive your WW's anger for exposing her A, but you will not save your marriage if you do not have a plan.

A plan is what I am here for. I'm just so mentally drained right now I cant seem to figure out how to apply all this information to MY situation.

Quote
This is probably about the best place you can come for support and direction to save your marriage.

I pray you are right. It seems there is so much information here.

Quote
Please read the help on this site, order His Needs, Her Needs and Surviving an Affair from this website.

well given the financial state I am in until the end of the month I will be at the library tomorrow to pick these up. Then I will order them off the site to contribute to the author.

*edit* Ordered Surviving an Affair as library did'ent have a copy of it in the catalog.

Quote
Better yet, save all the money that you have been giving your WW to support her affair and use it to make an appointment with Harley's. Definitely the best money you will ever spend to save your marriage.

Ouch again. But well put and I will take your advice on that.

Peace Be With You

RyanV

Also if you have a link for a good solid definition of Plan A and Plan B please link it

Last edited by ryanv; 08/12/10 10:36 PM.

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Here is an article on what plan a and plan B is

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

and you should read the carrot and the stick to plan A as well..

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1640788&page=1

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Thanks Sapphire, I am not so good at linking stuff! blush

RyanV,

I am sorry if I sounded harsh, it is just we have seen this so many times on these boards.

Glad you have exposed, this is good.

Study up on Plan A, and best of luck. So glad you are here to get help!

Love in Christ,
Miss M



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All good I need to hear what I need to hear no sugar coating. Now About Plan A and Plan B. I still haven't scene even from your link a break down a real description of what Plan A is. I wont get the surviving an affair book until late next week and the other book the library will not have in until Tuesday (His Needs Her Needs)

So can someone please break down say exactly what Plan A is? My best guess is that it is just being really nice. I have been doing that. But she wants "space". I just dont get it urg!


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I gave you another link about plan A and exactly what you need to do, I will post it.

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A


The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 42
R
ryanv Offline OP
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OP Offline
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R
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 42
OK I can reread the carrot and stick of plan A. But she has already moved out? So do I make home a inviting place? "Our" home is empty, she took most everything.


WW - 33 years old
2 kids 7 and 9
Me 29
Wife Left June 19th 2010
D-Day June 23rd 2010
R Begins - 10/20/10
Praying Until It hurts
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