mm,

Your H isn't depressed because of his aunt's problems. He is either in withdrawal from the affair (which would be a good thing), or, my own feeling is that he is still in touch with OW. My experience is that neither party wants to give up the affair on D Day, and they keep in touch, to see whether another meeting is possible or at least, whether the OP is missing them.

Once the horror that you might have thrown him out on D Day fades, he feels resentful towards you for stopping the affair, and hence you see a mood change. If he is not prevented from making contact with OW he WILL make contact (or she will with him), and your marriage will continue to suffer.

Oh come on, mm. Why would co-workers ask to view porn on somebody else's phone? Why would they ask him to take the rap for something they were doing worng, and why would he agree to that?

My phone has never gone to a chat room while it was in my pocket, either. He is not telling the truth and you surely know this.

Your marriage cannot recover until he ends his affair and is honest with you about these other activities. Do not let the guilt from your affair and OC stop you from being firm about this. You allowed H to get away bad behaviour precisely because of your guilt, since 2008.

We have asked him to discuss this on his thread. He does not show a great deal of interest in posting here, which is another red flag.

I know I know now I found another text form H to OW but it's blank....I think they are still in contact but just not saying anythig so I won't find it.

What was the date sent?

It was dated today. I asked him about it and he says that is was a draft message that he found and deleted it. Which actually could be true because it also shows messages he "sent" to me that he never sent but are in his draft folder.

Talked to his 1stSgt today. I was kinda pissed cause I just say that message before going over there. I told the 1stSgt that i couldn't even start to heal my M while he was still working there in that company and that H had to get transfered. I guess H had been saying that but once the 1stSgt heard it from me I guess it confirmed that H really needed to go. I guess until he heard it from me, according to H, 1stSgt told H to get back to him after his class and if there was still problems than he'd see about getting him out.

H has really seemed to changed alot. H has become more like he was before. H has been coming home right after work instead of staying and being alot more affectionate towards me. H is cooking dinner and cleaning up after the kids eat. All the little things that mean alot to me. H said he was sorry about last night (pushing me away) but he wanted to get the thought of his aunt dying outta his head. H is very close to his aunt so I know he was very upset when he got the news last night and I understand how he feels losing a loved one. H didn't handle it right on how he treated me but I can't really be that mad cause I'd be upset to and all he wanted to do was be alone and try to keep busy doing something else.

I really want to believe that H has NC with OW. H does really seem to be trying this time. H is acting more like the man I married and not the angry man he became. Only time will tell on whether he really has changed but as of right now it seems to be going pretty well. Execpt for these bumps in the road and the hurdle on getting him transfered but we'll see.

I'm a bit clueless on text messages because I never use my phone for them, so please explain. If H found a draft and deleted it, would it be dated today?

Where did you find it? In the "sent" or "deleted" folder? If you delete one of the ones to you, what date will it show? Would it be empty?

Do phones save drafts of empty messages? I should think they save drafts of unfinished messages.

Explain, please!

I'm not sure on how the whole thing works but...yes the phone will save empty draft messages (it does on mine too). I didnt find it on his phone but online. It was already deleted off his phone. But like I said before when I looked on his phone there were draft messages to me and other guys that weren't sent but shows online as being sent. So I'm not sure about all that.

UGH... the past 2 days have been crappy for me. Seriously I need one of thoes MIB memory erasers. The thoughts going on in my head are killing me and then they get 10 times worse when H has duty (24 hr post), which is every 3 days. Since the A happened AT work and DURING work hours. Everytime H is at work I just get all these thoughts into my head.

STD test came back (for me) NEGATIVE!!!!! THANK GOD!!!! That was just for all the serious ones anyway I have to wait for my pap on the 16th for all the other ones. H got tested too but his results should be in either Fri (tomorrow) or Mon.

It's real hard for me since H and OW still work together and will until next month, when HOPEFULLY, they transfer H out. I'm really trying but I just can help it when all these thoughts run around in my head. Plus it's not like I can just show up and go check up on what H is doing. I can just show up but I can't just go walk over and see where he is at and what he is doing.

I suggested having H's family take the kids for the month until son starts school (hopefully) but with the thing going on with H's aunt I don't think they are going to want the kids down there right now.

I am glad to hear that the blood tests came back NEGATIVE for you. I know that at least is a sigh of relief.

yeah it was a huge relief. I still have to get tested for all the other STD's but at least any of the serious ones I don't have.

Ok I'm not sure on what to do anymore...... the way things are looking H command isn't going to let him transfer. Plus they are trying to dig deeper into why we are requesting the tranfer. H company gysgt knows the whole story but we were going to try to keep the higher ups in the dark about the details and just sya that H needs the tranfer for family reasons. Now it isn't looking good and more and more ppl are trying to dig into why.

The problem I face is the marines means everything to H, that was all he ever wanted to do and he loves his job. I don't want to take that from him by revieling what happened. I feel that if it comes out and H gets in trouble, most definatly gets NJPed and not allowed to reenlist it'll end up hurting our M anyway. It looks like a lose lose situation. I CAN'T act like everythings ok and move on to heal our M while H continues to work with OW but if H tells command to get transferred, gets NJPed and we end up D anyway due to H resentment towards me for making him tell his command and ruining his career.

What do I do??? I love H very much and want to be with him but I don't want him to lose his career that he loves nor can I deal with him working with OW for another yr at least.

HELP!!!!!!!!

MM,
I don't know your whole story, but am kinda in a similar sitch with my WH. He assaulted me and was arrested for it which is putting his future firefighting career in jeopardy. HE made the decision to come to MY house that night...HE chose not to leave when I asked him to...HE chose to have an A and POSOW is now pregnant. HE chose to put his hands on me in anger. Now HE has to live with whatever consequences come from that. I was talking to my BIL last night and its like I told him, he had ample opportunity to change his path at many stages of this "game" and he didn't. It will break my heart if he has thrown away his future for this piece of trash, but the way I see it, he chose to give up everything for her. They deserve each other...and nothing more.
In my heart, I truly believed that if he loved me the way I need to be loved by my H, there is NOTHING that he wouldn't do to be with me...but the reality is he is not willing to give everything up for ME. Fog or no fog, everybody has to live with the consequences for their actions.
Hang in there, girl! We women ALWAYS survive!!

H isn't a bad guy, he really isn't..... He messed up.... I'm not perfect either by no means. I set this whole mess in motion 5 yrs ago when I had my A. H had his A outta revenge 2 yrs after I told him about mine. We aren't perfect but I love him with all my heart. Yes I know that HE choose to have the A with a co-worker, HE put himself in this situation (H didn't expect me to snoop and find out) his plan was to tell me yrs afterwards like I did. I didn't make him stick it into that OW and risk everything but I am the one who told him that while he works with her I won't be able to work on the M. So in a way because I can't "deal with it" I'm ruining his career. AHHHH!!!!! I'm wondering if I should just give H a D and let him keep his career. Either way it don't look good for the M.

I'm still fairly new, so I hope I'm not mis-speaking, but it is my understanding that MB principles say EP's to have NC with AP. NC means NC. Vets???
And, at the risk of sounding harsh, don't you deserve to come first in H's life? Evidently, your A was not a deal-breaker for him or you wouldn't still be together. Two wrong turns don't make a right, but if you did what you needed to do for you guys to get past your A, then you aren't asking anything from him that you weren't/aren't willing to do yourself. Just a thought...

No i understand what your saying. I'm just not seeing any light at the end of the tunnel here. Either way I see it ending in divorce. If he chooses M over his career H ends up resenting me, if he chooses career I end up resenting him. I don't see any up side. H command don't seems to want to let him go without a reason but if the reason is told H gets in trouble. No up side.

Well last night was a knock down drag out...at least on my end. I got so mad at least i was just hitting him with a pillow though. There has only been one other time when I got this mad to where I hit H.... and that was back when we were separated and he came over and took beer from the fridge and hinted towards drinking and driving. Which in turn pissed me off that H would do something so stupid to want to hurt himself. And that is what happend last night. H went upstairs and grabbed the gun and was gonna shoot himself in the shoulder to get outta the company. I got so mad. First off he was gonna shoot himself but also because our daughter was sleep upstairs in her room and son was downstairs playing wii. It threw me into a rage. I was throwing the pillows at him and swinging (all just pillows). I of course waited until the kids went to bed before I lost it.
Another thing that I thought about afterwards is if H did shoot himself while at home, who do you think ppl would think shot him.... I mean really we are having M problems, I'd be suspect #1

Now of course in H own twisted way he ws trying to show me that he chooses me but didn't want to lose his career also which I don't want him to either but I don't want him to hurt himself either. UGH... and tonight he has duty so H won't be home at all which is going to drive me insanse because we had this fighter last night and the OW spreads real easy so now I'm going to think that he is going to find comfort in her.

Ok it's been a few days since anyone has replied to my posts. Im just wondering if i'm just being ignored now or what's going on. Things seems to be going good until today when I asked H if he has had any contact with OW at all since d-day and he admitted that she had asked him about whether or not he was going to attend the marine corps ball in nov. I guess he claims that she was tasked with getting everyone's status on the ball and whether child care would be needed. I'm just little upset since H choose to not inform me on contact and that I had to ask. Then of course I'm just mad that he has still had contact with OW no matter what it was about. I'm sure that if any information needs to be passed even just work related it can be done by a third party and H doesn't need to engage in any form of contact with OW.

I'm I overreacting??? I'm under the impression that their has to be NC completely and I know it might be difficult due to them still working together but it's still possible.

Well, I haven't posted on your thread before, but I have been reading along.

NC is essential. R cannot begin until there is NC. However, since your H is still working with the OW, it is going to be impossible to establish NC. I'm sorry, but it just won't happen. You guys are going to keep having these issues as long as he is working with her.

Right now, both of you have decided to put his career in the military above your marriage. You don't want him to lose his career, he doesn't want to lose his career, so your marriage takes a back seat to the career. These are the priorities you have chosen to establish, and every time your H has contact with the OW because of work (and it will keep happening) you suffer the consequences of that decision to put his career above all else.

Really, until your H stops working with the OW and you guys both decide to make your marriage your top priority, this isn't going to get any better.

And I'm very concerned for the children who are caught in the middle of all this. Your H is threatening to harm himself and waving around a gun with a baby in the next room. What if the gun had gone off and the bullet went through the wall and killed the baby? You two are playing a very dangerous game here, and it is only a matter of time before someone gets hurt. I just hope it isn't one of your kids. What are you doing with a loaded gun in the house with children anyway? Military or not, that's just inexcusable. If you have to have weapons in the house, they should be locked up and the ammunition should be kept in a separate location. Obviously, such precautions aren't in place, or your H wouldn't have just been able to grab the gun and start threatening himself.

This story does not seem destined to end well.

What writer1 said.

Not all situations can be saved. As long as his career is more important than your marriage, his career is all either of you will have.

There is a limit to how much damage you can heap upon a marriage, but this one just keeps on getting hit again and again. Affairs on both sides, an OC, continued contact, guns drawn in the house - you and your children are better off with you and WH living apart.

Don't wait until somebody ends up in the hospital (and it could well be one of the kids.) Live apart for a while until things cool off and then think about the next step.

You have both gone way too far to continue together.