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ok first off the gun is not loaded and it is kept in the safe. It's not like we have a loaded gun sitting around the house, im not that stupid. H went upstairs got the gun and loaded it while i was downstairs. I ran up as soon as i heard the gun cocked and demanded the gun or else i was calling the police. I was highly angry that he even attempted loading the gun and chambering a round while kids were in the house. This isn't like a typical nor acceptable thing to be happening in the house. So on that front I do agree but I want to point out that I do require the gun to be unloaded and in the safe while in the house and we even have a portable car safe while transferring the the ranges.

Now as far as the issue with putting his career first. I';m not putting his career first we are just trying to figure out a way to get H removed from his current company without ruining his career. H's job is our primary and main source of income so I can't just up and ruin all that. If i did we would lose the house and we couldn't pay our bills and the family would suffer due to the lack of income until H was able to find a new job. Besides we would lose our medical and dental insurance and the children need that also so I'm not going to take all that away from our children just to punish my WH. SO we are currently trying other options before resulting in straight out informing his command on his A with OW. Now of course H won't be able to transfer until after the 17th of Aug, when the current class ends. It's just hard for me to deal with it until then since we aren't 100% sure they will be transferring H after the class but if they dont I am going to recommend with H tells command to get transferred or separation. I will not be able to wait around for at least another year unti; he is transferred out. But as of right now I am holding onto the hope that they will be able to transfer H after the class.

I just get on here to vent and get advice when I'm having a bad day. But please I would never put my children's safty at risk and I'm sorry if it came across that we just have a loaded gun laying around the house.


Me-25 FWW/BS
DH-25 BS/WH (user name DRO)
M- 4/17/2004
DS-4 OC born 12/10/2005
D-Day 1 4/4/2008 (my A)
DNA test #1 4/17/2008
DD-1 born 6/11/2009
D-Day 2 7/20/2010 (H's A)
DNA test #2 7/23/2010

NC yet to happen between H and OW........
R not yet able to happen


my story
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2102978#Post2102978

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2408314&page=1
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Originally Posted by Mulan
What writer1 said.

Not all situations can be saved. As long as his career is more important than your marriage, his career is all either of you will have.

There is a limit to how much damage you can heap upon a marriage, but this one just keeps on getting hit again and again. Affairs on both sides, an OC, continued contact, guns drawn in the house - you and your children are better off with you and WH living apart.

Don't wait until somebody ends up in the hospital (and it could well be one of the kids.) Live apart for a while until things cool off and then think about the next step.
You have both gone way too far to continue together.
mm,

I would agree with the advice to separate if you and the children are at risk of violence.

Your last post, explaining that the gun is kept in a safe, provides slight reassurance, but the fact remains that your WH went to the safe, loaded the gun and threatened to use it. If he did that once he could do that again, since the basic conditions of the marriage are the same. Loading the gun as a response to your unhappiness at his affair is an extraordinary thing for him to have done, and you should worry about his stability.

I don't think that H should simply give up his job and bring financial hardship to the family, if there might be an alternative job in the near future. Do I understand correctly that there is a chance that he will be transferred this month? If he is transferred, how far will he be from OW? Will a transfer remove the necessity for them to communicate about workplace issues?

But what about if this does not happen? It sounds as if that will be the last opportunity for a year. If he does not get this transfer you cannot wait a year in the hope that he get one later. You need to actively pursue other job options.


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I have taken care of the gun issue by changing the code for the safe and not giving the new code to H and also I separtated the ammunition and the gun.

Yes there is a chance that H will get transferred. The transfer will place him under a differnt command and in a different area (on the same base). This transfer will remove the need for H to have any contact with OW concerning work issues since they would no longer be under the same command and no longer working together. They would still be located on the same base but would not need to see eachother or have any contact. So even though they would still be on the same base I would be more than happy with the transfer.

Also it's not that i'd be waitng another yr in hopes of a transfer it is that is time will be up at the current command in a yr so unless he is forced to extend. He is currently on a temporary duty assignment, it was for 3 yrs and H only have another yr left until he goes back to his normal job.

Last edited by marinemom; 08/03/10 07:31 PM.

Me-25 FWW/BS
DH-25 BS/WH (user name DRO)
M- 4/17/2004
DS-4 OC born 12/10/2005
D-Day 1 4/4/2008 (my A)
DNA test #1 4/17/2008
DD-1 born 6/11/2009
D-Day 2 7/20/2010 (H's A)
DNA test #2 7/23/2010

NC yet to happen between H and OW........
R not yet able to happen


my story
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2102978#Post2102978

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2408314&page=1
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I have a question....

Would you rather save your marriage or your husband's job?

If I had to choose, it would be my marriage, I didn't care how dependent I was with my husband's job, knowing everyday he is in contact with that OW would trigger me and we would not be going forward. Even if he told me the affair is over, do not believe him, he still cares for her, and every day when he sees her his feeling will grow.

I would get a job and tell him to quit and to find somewhere else.

How is your marriage by the way? Is it on recovery? Sounds to me IT'S NOT! Do you want to know why? Because he is still in contact with the OW.

Sigh...this is such a mess, I'm sorry I wouldn't care how much my husband got paid, how great the insurance was, or how great of a job he did at work. I would tell him "QUITE or I'm leaving, you choose"

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H can't just quit, the military don't work that way. It would be nice but unfortuantly it don't.

I do choose my M over his career but as I've said it's not as easy as H just up a quiting, that isn't an option. I still have another 2 yr until he is up for reenlistment. The military isn't like any other job you can't quit they got you until your time is up and you either reenlist of EAS out like I did.

The M is in a slow recovery due to his still working around OW. H swears that he doesn't talk to her and avoids her at all costs but yes I don't really believe him, I want to but I just can't.

The only reason I am somewhat putting up with H still working with her is honestly it isn't like we have a choice (like I said H can't just quit). And due to the hardship it would place our family in for H to get NJP and then end up losing rank which would lose money and we would still have to wait until H reenlistment time (in 2 yrs) before he would be able to get out. It just don't make any sense to do it that way. That is why we are trying to get H a transfer without getting him NJPed. It's just not as simple as you all think it is due to it not being just a normal job. The military (in a sense) owns H until 2012, then he'll have a choice on whether or not to reup or get out. The only other option is if the military kicks H out (which rarely happens) and won't over an A you have to do some serious stuff to be kicked out.


Me-25 FWW/BS
DH-25 BS/WH (user name DRO)
M- 4/17/2004
DS-4 OC born 12/10/2005
D-Day 1 4/4/2008 (my A)
DNA test #1 4/17/2008
DD-1 born 6/11/2009
D-Day 2 7/20/2010 (H's A)
DNA test #2 7/23/2010

NC yet to happen between H and OW........
R not yet able to happen


my story
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2102978#Post2102978

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2408314&page=1
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Originally Posted by marinemom
ok first off the gun is not loaded and it is kept in the safe. It's not like we have a loaded gun sitting around the house, im not that stupid. H went upstairs got the gun and loaded it while i was downstairs. I ran up as soon as i heard the gun cocked and demanded the gun or else i was calling the police. I was highly angry that he even attempted loading the gun and chambering a round while kids were in the house. This isn't like a typical nor acceptable thing to be happening in the house. So on that front I do agree but I want to point out that I do require the gun to be unloaded and in the safe while in the house and we even have a portable car safe while transferring the the ranges.
MM your husband is in the military, he KNOWS gun safety. The fact that he lost control and went right for the gun without thinking about his family disturbs me. The gun is taken care of but your husband could still find another weapon. Is he seeing anyone for his issues?

Originally Posted by marinemom
I have taken care of the gun issue by changing the code for the safe and not giving the new code to H and also I separtated the ammunition and the gun.
Good, the ammunition should never be stored in the same place as the gun. My DH is a NRA safety instructor so I have learned a lot from him. A gun should not be loaded until you are ready to use it. It should not be cocked and should be pointed in a safe direction with your finger off the trigger. There are so many safety rules your husband broke it scares me.

Originally Posted by marinemom
Things seems to be going good until today when I asked H if he has had any contact with OW at all since d-day and he admitted that she had asked him about whether or not he was going to attend the marine corps ball in nov. I guess he claims that she was tasked with getting everyone's status on the ball and whether child care would be needed. I'm just little upset since H choose to not inform me on contact and that I had to ask. Then of course I'm just mad that he has still had contact with OW no matter what it was about. I'm sure that if any information needs to be passed even just work related it can be done by a third party and H doesn't need to engage in any form of contact with OW.
Your WH knows the MB principals and this is what he does? I suspect there is still contact with OW

Originally Posted by marinemom
Yes there is a chance that H will get transferred. The transfer will place him under a differnt command and in a different area (on the same base). This transfer will remove the need for H to have any contact with OW concerning work issues since they would no longer be under the same command and no longer working together. They would still be located on the same base but would not need to see eachother or have any contact. So even though they would still be on the same base I would be more than happy with the transfer
This is not good, they will still be working in the same place.
Originally Posted by marinemom
Plus they are trying to dig deeper into why we are requesting the tranfer. H company gysgt knows the whole story but we were going to try to keep the higher ups in the dark about the details and just sya that H needs the tranfer for family reasons. Now it isn't looking good and more and more ppl are trying to dig into why.
MM, I am confused. What would happen if the higher ups found out about your husband's affair?



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If the higher ups found out he could get in trouble, get NJPed lose rank all that crap. So we are trying to do the transfer without them finding out. His gysgt does know the whole story but that is it.

They might be working in the same place but wont be working together like now. They currently see eachother daily even though H claims that he don't speak to her and avoids being near her they still work together. So if we are able to do the transfer they will still be working on the same base but won't be working together and wont have to really even see eachother unless by chance.

H has been seeming to be coming home right after work and wanting to come home as soon as they let him out. Unlike before H used to stay regardless even after they told him he could go home because he didn't want to come home.


Me-25 FWW/BS
DH-25 BS/WH (user name DRO)
M- 4/17/2004
DS-4 OC born 12/10/2005
D-Day 1 4/4/2008 (my A)
DNA test #1 4/17/2008
DD-1 born 6/11/2009
D-Day 2 7/20/2010 (H's A)
DNA test #2 7/23/2010

NC yet to happen between H and OW........
R not yet able to happen


my story
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2102978#Post2102978

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2408314&page=1
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Originally Posted by marinemom
If the higher ups found out he could get in trouble, get NJPed lose rank all that crap. So we are trying to do the transfer without them finding out. His gysgt does know the whole story but that is it.
And? Wouldn't him loosing rank be be a small price to pay if it saves your marriage?

Originally Posted by marinemom
They might be working in the same place but wont be working together like now. They currently see eachother daily even though H claims that he don't speak to her and avoids being near her they still work together. So if we are able to do the transfer they will still be working on the same base but won't be working together and wont have to really even see eachother unless by chance.
But they will still be working together and they could run into each other. As others have stated the marriage will not recover unless there is NC and no chance of contact.


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All of your justifications are simply proving what everyone here has been telling you. You and your H are choosing to place his career above your marriage.


Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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OK look what you people don't seem to understand is that just because his command finds out doesn't mean they will separate H and OW. The military will just NJP them both but don't mean they will transfer one someplace else. Since they are both on a temporary assignment. Where they are isn't their actual job it is a special duty assignment like the drill instructors and recruiters. So basically just because they get in trouble and lose rank and money doesn't guarantee they will move H or OW.

What we are trying to do now is trying to get H transferred to another area/command. They might have to see each other when in passing but will not need to speak or work together at all. Right now we are trying to do what is best all around for the family as a whole not just me. We aren't placing H career above the M it's just we need the income and like I've said it's not as simple as you all seem to think. H can't just quit and just because we tell his command doesn't mean they will move one of them but it will guarantee H will lose rank and money that we need for the family. I just started a part time job and now have to pay for daycare also for me to be able to work. We can't afford for H to lose rank.

Does the fact that they still work together bother me. HELL YEAH! But I need to put my families needs above my need for him to pay for the A. I know I can get past the A, I love H very much and I'm not perfect either, I've made my own mistakes. And maybe H needed the revenge A to help him move past mine and force him to let go of all his anger that he's held onto for the past 2 yrs. Is it an ideal situation, no, but I'm not going to throw out 6 yrs of M and the chance at getting back to how we used to be and how close we were just because things aren't ideal. I love H and can't picture my life without him in it.


Me-25 FWW/BS
DH-25 BS/WH (user name DRO)
M- 4/17/2004
DS-4 OC born 12/10/2005
D-Day 1 4/4/2008 (my A)
DNA test #1 4/17/2008
DD-1 born 6/11/2009
D-Day 2 7/20/2010 (H's A)
DNA test #2 7/23/2010

NC yet to happen between H and OW........
R not yet able to happen


my story
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2102978#Post2102978

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2408314&page=1
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Well all I can say is...

Your marriage wont recover until they stop working together, and have a REAL NC. Good luck hope all goes well.

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I'm not sure why we're arguing here.

mm, you feel that the strategy that you are following is the best for your family. You have heard from people who disagree with the line you are taking, but you have made your choice. I don't think we are going to change your mind.

Other posters: Like you, I think that this incomplete job change is dangerous for mm's marriage, but this is the solution that she and her H have chosen. I don't see the point in arguing with her.

I wish you the best, mm. I was drawn to your story because I respected your H for treating your son as his own, and I wanted to see you and your children in a secure, happy family. I am a firm believer in Dr Harley's advice for a job change and complete NC, so I cannot endorse what you are doing, but I hope your marriage survives and thrives.



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SC: I don't think anyone is arguing with her. It's just that she keeps coming back and asking why her marriage isn't making any progress toward recovery, and we keep pointing out that she hasn't done the things necessary to make recovery possible. She's asking the same questions over and over and expecting a different response, and I don't think she's going to get it. Certainly she's free to disregard the advice she is being given, but she's going to have to accept the consequences of her choices. Failure to enforce NC = Failure to Recover the marriage.

But I wish her well too, and I really do hope mm and her H can work this out.


Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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Originally Posted by writer1
SC: I don't think anyone is arguing with her.
Indeed!

She is arguing with us. She doesn't need to!


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MM:
One last time I'm going to give you some advice from a male perspective.

Forget for a moment the arguments for or against taking actions which possibly could damage your husband's career. If we could magically grant your family the transfer you want, separating your husband from his xAP, IT WOULD NOT FIX YOUR SITUATION, The underlying problem would just submerge for an indeterminate time, and surface yet again in some other manifestation.

You have implicitly acknowledged that your husband's affair is an outgrowth of his pain from trying to deal with your OC. In the long view, your husband's affair was/is not the cause, but merely the effect of the true problem between you. The rage in your husband which revealed itself in the loaded gun incident is terrifying. I have tried to make this clear to you that, IMHO, UNTIL YOU AND HE ARRIVE AT A PLACE OF ACCOMODATION WITH THE RAISING OF THAT CHILD, your marriage will not be healed.

I will go no further in my advice, except to say that, consistentt with the MB principle of POJA, I pray that you and he formulate a joint plan of action about raising that OC.

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I really am not trying to argue with anyone I just am trying to explain the situation and that it isn't as easy as you think it is that H can just up and quit because he can't.

Its just trying to come to a good plan on what we can do with H being military and since the NC isn't as easy right now with him also being on a temporary duty assignment. This is just a difficult situation and it does bother me that there isn't alot I can do right now to fix the NC situation. It bothers me that he sees OW more than he sees me due to him working 18+ hrs a day and having duty every 3-4 days (which she isn't there during overnight duties).

H has been getting home earlier, hasn't been volunteering to stay later so others can go home and he is instead the one asking to go home all the time. H has been more helpful around the house and with the kids. He has also been nicer to me. I don't know if i'm just expecting too much from him right now because he is doing all he can to avoid OW and have NC with her as much as he is able to. He has admitted to contact twice (once when she was asking everyone about their marine corps ball plans and second when he was asking out loud where his cover was and she answered). H finally got the appointment made for a MC (a real pro m one according to a friend that see the MC themselves). It took awhile to get the appointment made which bothered me but H has always been a procrastinator so it's nothing new.

Things have just gotten to me lately just the thought that even after this class H has to go the the rifle range where OW will also be going to since they are both currently attached to the same command and I don't think they are going to let H out of going either. That is why I am also hoping on the transfer so that they aren't under the same command anymore and they might see each other depending on where H gets transferred to on how often they would see each other but they would have to reason to speak to one another nor have to be anywhere near each other.

I understand everyone's take on NC being a must but what about when it's not able to happened right away then what? I still want to make my M work but can it still work if H is honestly not seeing OW anymore and if he truly wants to make the M work and avoids OW. If H truly has no feelings for OW and it was purely just about sex than can it actually work?


Me-25 FWW/BS
DH-25 BS/WH (user name DRO)
M- 4/17/2004
DS-4 OC born 12/10/2005
D-Day 1 4/4/2008 (my A)
DNA test #1 4/17/2008
DD-1 born 6/11/2009
D-Day 2 7/20/2010 (H's A)
DNA test #2 7/23/2010

NC yet to happen between H and OW........
R not yet able to happen


my story
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2102978#Post2102978

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Quote
If H truly has no feelings for OW and it was purely just about sex than can it actually work?

No. If for no other reason, it cannot work because you will be eaten alive every time you have to watch him go out the door for the day and know he's going to be around her.

There's no way you can recover your marriage when one of you is eaten up with pain and resentment and anxiety, which you wil be as long as he is anywhere near the OW.

Sorry. There's no way around this, much as I know you'd like to find one.


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MM, I know that you want to save your marriage. People here are telling you that as long as your WH is seeing OW in ANY way that the affair continues and there is no way to properly recover your marriage.

Where are you coming up with these excuses that he can NOT get a leave, that he can not get away from her. If he is the one telling you, this is his way of gaslighting you and trying to keep contact with his OW. DrH writes about how the WS will try anything to stay in some sort of contact with their AP. There are times that the WS will say, "We are just friends." There are also times that the WS will say, "I don't have any feelings for the AP anymore." This is all so they can still have their fix. They still get something out of it.

So you have two choices, you can have a recovered marriage or your WH can have his career. seriously? Which is more important? There has to be something that can be done. Your marriage needs to be number one for both you and your WH. Is it?


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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I was in the military and I've spoken to both his gysgt and 1stsgt and they are trying to get H a transfer but right noe they wont not until the current class is over. I"m not just getting my information from H. Plus like I've said I have also been in the military so I know how everything works.


Me-25 FWW/BS
DH-25 BS/WH (user name DRO)
M- 4/17/2004
DS-4 OC born 12/10/2005
D-Day 1 4/4/2008 (my A)
DNA test #1 4/17/2008
DD-1 born 6/11/2009
D-Day 2 7/20/2010 (H's A)
DNA test #2 7/23/2010

NC yet to happen between H and OW........
R not yet able to happen


my story
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2102978#Post2102978

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2408314&page=1
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Are you really okay with the excuse that it was "just sex?" I know that sex is different for men than women, but there was a woman involved in this. There definitely were some feelings and from what DrH has said, they will continue as long as there is any contact between WS and AP.

I know that your sitch seems like it is stuck. There has to be something you could do. I am not a professional and I feel like, IMVHO that you should go to Plan B until he is transferred, although I see that you say that he will still have some contact with OW. I think you should really call the Harleys and see what advice they have for you.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

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