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krusht #2413224 08/03/10 05:20 PM
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Krusht,

I get unemployment. That's what I give her; well, that plus savings. She gives me nada. In my state, unemployment checks are fairly generous. And yes, I'm frugal.

Yes, I'm doubling down on getting a job. Thanks!


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Me: BH, 39 (and jobless)
Her: WW, 33
2 young kids (DD3 and DD1.5)
Her EA: Fall '08
Her move out: Fall '09
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In plan A at Dr. Bill Harley's advice since May '10

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Last week, I wrote about what to say to my WW (aka Honey) that the POSOM is not to be around our DD's. I plan to ask her this Saturday afternoon alone when she picks up our kids from my apartment. Here was my question:

"My problem is the specifics. Should I tell Honey in a calm but firm voice, "I do not want the OM to be around our daughters"? She'll deny that the OM sees them. How can I back up my words that the OM is NOT to be around them?"

Any thoughts? Anyone?

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Me: BH, 39 (and jobless)
Her: WW, 33
2 young kids (DD3 and DD1.5)
Her EA: Fall '08
Her move out: Fall '09
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In plan A at Dr. Bill Harley's advice since May '10

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Hey everyone,

Great news: I got a job offer.

After more than half a year of being unemployed, I will soon be employed, and by a prominent university to boot. This is big. My #1 LB for Honey has been my lack of steady employment. Well, that and the fact that I worked a night shift while she worked the day shift.

There are only two problems. The first problem is that I would make $30k a year less than Honey. She would still be the primary breadwinner. And, she says, she wants me to earn enough so she can stay home with the kids. However, I would get a lot of vacation time, which would allow me to make extra money.

The second problem is daycare for DD3 and DD1.5. I take care of them on Thursdays, Fridays, and most of Saturdays. With the new job, I would get the equivalent of 20 fewer hours a week with them.

Here's the deal: Our present arrangement -- I get our girls till 2 p.m. on one Saturday and till 7 p.m. on the other Saturday -- is no longer acceptable to me. I want to pick them up on Wednesday night and see them till Saturday at 7. That's still only three days a week. She gets them the other four days. She complains about not seeing them enough as is. I know that part of the stick of Plan A is letting consequences fall on the AP's. So what should I tell Honey?

I don't expect anybody to give me a 2 x 4 for asking this question, but I've been wrong before.

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Me: BH, 39 (and jobless)
Her: WW, 33
2 young kids (DD3 and DD1.5)
Her EA: Fall '08
Her move out: Fall '09
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In plan A at Dr. Bill Harley's advice since May '10

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Originally Posted By: MichaelJan
And, she says, she wants me to earn enough so she can stay home with the kids.


Translation - she wants more free time to "act single", with less opportunity for you to spy on what she's doing.


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You should tell her...

"W-HONEY I will ask the girls if they saw the POSOM while they were visiting mommy, and if they tell me yes, there will be HECK to pay!!

The older one would be straight with you.

Congrats on the job offer!

kirk


CORDUROY PILLOWS ARE MAKING HEADLINES!!
krusht #2414263 08/06/10 01:31 PM
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ManinMotion -- Perhaps you are right. Except that Honey works with the POSOM and staying home with our girls would give her less time with him.

Kirk -- Thank you. I'm with you: Honey needs a talking to.

Meanwhile, a possible second job offer is in the offing

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Me: BH, 39 (and jobless)
Her: WW, 33
2 young kids (DD3 and DD1.5)
Her EA: Fall '08
Her move out: Fall '09
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In plan A at Dr. Bill Harley's advice since May '10

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At the suggestion of most commenters on my thread, I had the talk with Honey this afternoon. DD3 volunteered a couple of weeks ago that she had eaten with the OM. While I had broached the subject indirectly with Honey, I told her that I did not want that man around our/my kids.

The talk came while she was in the car and about to drive off with DD3 and DD1.5 in the back seats. Honey seemed taken aback that I mentioned the subject. At first, she said that DD3 was three years old and did I understand that three year olds tell their parents what they want to hear when asked a question. I said that I didn't ask DD3 any such question about eating with the OM. DD3, I said, VOLUNTEERED that she had eaten with the OM. At this point, I could see shame or fear in Honey's eyes; she looked like she knew she had messed up. Honey backed down and agreed that OM would not eat with our daughters.

Tom 2010 -- I told Honey your point that letting DD3 and DD1.5 eat with the OM and not Daddy was confusing to the kids. Honey didn't say anything about this point.

I feel better after telling Honey about this. It helps too that I don't think I committed any LB's. I didn't make a SD or DJ. However, I did raise my voice, although Honey wondered whether I was about to cry. (Another one of her infernal DJ's). A fair-minded person might say I committed a low-level AO. I don't know.
That's the one hand.

The other hand is bad news: Honey said that we were getting a D. She said this after complaining that she sees the kids 4.5 days a week, 1.5 of which is UA time.

However, Honey is misinformed or delusional about the particulars of D in Virginia. She told me while sitting behind the wheel that a) she plans to file for sole custody b) she will win because I haven't had a job and DD1.5 gets mosquito bites on her legs when she's with me and c) her lawyer will serve me papers. The likelihood that all three claims coming true are nil. Northern Virginia is a joint-custody area. Having 4 or 5 mosquito bites on a child's leg does not mean the parent is negligent. And lawyers don't serve papers.

What ticks me off about our exchange isn't just her disrespect. It's that I can sense the OM's contempt of me being channeled through Honey.

Please remind why the OM doesn't deserve a beat down? He's ruining everybody's lives -- Honey's, DD3 and DD1.5, mine, and his. Let me look again at the five reasons for just war according to Catholic social doctrine ....

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Me: BH, 39 (and jobless)
Her: WW, 33
2 young kids (DD3 and DD1.5)
Her EA: Fall '08
Her move out: Fall '09
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In plan A at Dr. Bill Harley's advice since May '10

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For the record, I am still Plan A'ing Honey. Since May, I have been doing all of the carrots of Plan A, or most of them.

Friday is a good example. Honey called while I was at the local library with DD3 and DD1.5. I asked her about her day at work and how she was feeling; I was honest with her, mentioning that I am likely to get a job offer (or two) next week; laughed about DD1.5 putting her hands in the air to Beyonce's "All the Single Ladies"; and asked Honey if she wanted to join us for dinner at the local Mexican restaurant, which Honey and I liked going to. Honey liked everything about our talk except my invitation. "No," she said. "No." "Suit yourself," I said.

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Me: BH, 39 (and jobless)
Her: WW, 33
2 young kids (DD3 and DD1.5)
Her EA: Fall '08
Her move out: Fall '09
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In plan A at Dr. Bill Harley's advice since May '10

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Have you decided when you wanted to start plan B?

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Sapphire,

Thanks for asking. At the advice of Dr. Harley on his radio show, I plan to start Plan B in November. Do you think I should go into it sooner?

------------------
Me: BH, 39 (and jobless)
Her: WW, 33
2 young kids (DD3 and DD1.5)
Her EA: Fall '08
Her move out: Fall '09
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In plan A at Dr. Bill Harley's advice since May '10

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If you thing you can go till November, then that is fine, Dr. Harley's number one question is "How long can you continue plan A?" If you told me 3 day's, then go 3 day's on plan A, if you said a year then I would say go a year. It all depends how much strength you have for plan A, so if you think you can go till November then go till November laugh

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Hi MichaelJan

Just read your thread
My WH has 'evaporated'. Since my exposure of him and OW he hasn't spoken to me or my sons, except to ask my eldest to load his things in the truck he sent - last Thursday.

The only person (that I know of) that he's spoken to is his cousin - not his best friend or his brother!

I can't do Plan A, as he's not here & I've got MS, so limited strength.

I think you need to do Plan A for as long as your comfortable - as per Sapphire

My only thoughts are my sons 18 & 21 - even at that age they are really hurting & angry

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Mark1952,

A week or so ago, you wrote,

Quote:
What Love Busters are your downfall? What steps can you take to ensure they never happen again?


Over the past week, I have taken steps to end three of my LB's cool -- a lack of financial support; an independent behavior; and an annoying habit:

1. LB: A lack of financial support. I am likely to receive an offer for a good job this week. However, the job likely will not pay as much as Honey's job, though the vacation is longer and there is a huge in-kind payment down the line.

2. LB: An independent behavior: watching porn and masturbating. Following the steps outlined by Dr. Harley in Love Busters, I wrote down the reasons I committed this IB and the steps necessary to recplace these two bad habits with good ones. The results so far have been encouraging. I haven't looked at porn in two months and haven't uh, well you know, in two weeks.

3. LB: Annoying habit -- Not listening to Honey and allowing DD1.5 to be bitten by mosquitoes. I followed #2 above. We'll see what happens this week when I take care of our girls.

Taking these three steps might sound small. Certainly they are not enough to win back Honey. But taking them makes me feel good and gives me hope for the future, regardless of Honey's response.
hurray

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Me: BH, 39 (and jobless)
Her: WW, 33
2 young kids (DD3 and DD1.5)
Her EA: Fall '08
Her move out: Fall '09
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In plan A at Dr. Bill Harley's advice since May '10

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Sapphire -- Thanks for your advice. stickout We're on the same page: do Plan A as long as possible. In fact, Mr. Wondering made an interesting point recently on another thread: Plan B is more of a prelude to divorce than an affirmative plan to save the marriage.

Dragonfire -- I am sorry to hear about your sitch. Hearing about your and your boys is painful. cry As for your WH, he talks only with his cousin because he knows that he supports the A while his brother and best friend don't, no?

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Me: BH, 39 (and jobless)
Her: WW, 33
2 young kids (DD3 and DD1.5)
Her EA: Fall '08
Her move out: Fall '09
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In plan A at Dr. Bill Harley's advice since May '10

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[quote=MichaelJan]
Dragonfire -- I am sorry to hear about your sitch. Hearing about your and your boys is painful. cry As for your WH, he talks only with his cousin because he knows that he supports the A while his brother and best friend don't, no?
[quote=MichaelJohn]

No his cousin's horrified & can't believe it. She said that when he called her, he was short & clipped on the phone. I think he's more worried because she's his tax accountant & know's I'll be subpoena-ing his records from her.
To my knowledge he hasn't told anyone else, except his boss, when 'they' were called in for an emergency board meeting, after I exposed them - they work for the same company as directors

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Me: BH, 39 (and jobless)
Her: WW, 33
2 young kids (DD3 and DD1.5)
Her EA: Fall '08
Her move out: Fall '09
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In plan A at Dr. Bill Harley's advice since May '10


Last edited by DragonFire; 08/09/10 02:37 PM.
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I received this email from the OM five weeks ago. I asked him to stop his PA with Honey and that our DD's were being hurt. His reply was a model of decorum, grace, and manners. (Yeah, right). It's another reason I think he needs a talking to.


Quote:

Your obsession with me is relentless.

Im certain you feel justified, hiding behind your fake morals and pretend higher purpose, as you send your rants to my friends and family. After all, what stranger would criticize a man for trying to salvage his marriage? But I am not some random acquaintance or friend-of-a-friend to whom you can sell your misguided notions and half-truths. So please, save the children of God speech for the other pretenders hiding behind organized religion as they continue their crusades of vengeance, intolerance and spite.

You are a Sunday Christian. When you next step into the booth with the priest, I hope you ask forgiveness for the sins you continue to commit against me in an effort to please yourself. My great hope is that you dont try to fool God the way you try to fool others. In the end, we all pay for who we really are.

Ive tried to let your foolishness pass, but you have once again directed it into my professional space. Im certain for a man like you, content to allow others to pay his way while bemoaning his poor luck and bad timing, the concept of protecting a job in order to provide for loved ones is unimaginable. In my estimation, your inability to provide a serious, valuable career for yourself (coupled with your obvious emotional issues and reckless nature) are the source of your many troubles.

... I have had to work hard for the things I have, ensuring that Ive had a job every day of my life since I was 17. This has led me to purchase multiple homes, drive luxury automobiles and provide my children with fine things. I will not let you jeopardize all that I have struggled for by continuing to bring your immaturity to my professional space.

So I need to be clear in telling you to leave me alone, and stop contacting my place of business, before you force me to explore my legal options against you. While your accusations might carry some moral weight with the other zealots who will listen, they carry no legal basis for you contacting my employer, my coworkers or harassing me via my professional e-mail address.

Im certain you think you have nothing left to lose, but your continued cyberstalking, obsession and harassment carry legal ramifications. It is out of pity for you and consideration for your family that I have not sought a restraining order earlier. Any further contact from you will force my hand.

As for my relationships, my friendships, my private time, my life in general, I am not obligated to discuss it with you, nor will I do that now.

Normally, I would not think it appropriate to discuss your marriage. That you continue to drag me into these discussions is the only reason I am addressing it now. My attempt here is to show you how you look to the outside world. You call it persistence, but it is truly obsession.

You will notice that I have copied [Honey] on this communication, because its clear to me that you cannot be trusted and might even be unstable, and I want her to know the unvarnished truth of what I'm saying to you. With every communication, you seem more desperate.

When last I checked, slavery was abolished. Yet you speak of [Honey] as if your ownership rights are being infringed upon, and it is clear in every communication from you that I read that you are a hopeless, lonely wreck. That you think politely telling all of her friends and family, as well as random strangers, that she is a [censored] will in some way increase your standing with her is beyond laughable. I cant imagine why she doesnt want to be married to you any longer. She must be so proud.

Ultimately, you are like a batter who has been struck out looking, arguing the call with any umpire who will listen, begging for instant replay, hoping for more pitches. Inevitable strikes. You cant hit the high heat, and you prove it over and over.

Someday you will understand that it is not the actions of others that separate you and [Honey], but your own actions past and current. Blame if you like. Hate if you want. Harass if you choose. But the rest of the world realizes that she will cease to be your wife as soon as the clock strikes the hour on the waiting period set forth by the State of [x] You couldnt stop that if you tried.

You claim to love her, and yet you judge her to all who will listen. You air your private, intimate problems before friends and strangers. If she wanted you back, she would come back. To suggest that others are the roadblock to her return is to suggest that she is mentally incapable of making her own decisions, brainwashed and weak.

Why would she return to a man who feels that way about her?

Stay away from me and my job, and cease all communication with me. Ive taken the time to be honest with you here about my estimation of your situation, in an effort to reply to your continued harassment. Ive done it as gently as possible given your recklessness.

Accept your pending divorce graciously and salvage some portion of your dignity, before you truly have nothing left.


His claim that he provides for his kids is rich. He abandoned his wife and kids! He moved to Virginia, left his family in North Carolina, and according to his STBXW, asked her for a divorce last September.

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Me: BH, 39 (and jobless)
Her: WW, 33
2 young kids (DD3 and DD1.5)
Her EA: Fall '08
Her move out: Fall '09
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In plan A at Dr. Bill Harley's advice since May '10

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Did you write back? Post it here first so we can give you feed back laugh

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Sapphire,

No, I did not write back. I didn't think it would do any good. What do you think?

------------------
Me: BH, 39 (and jobless)
Her: WW, 33
2 young kids (DD3 and DD1.5)
Her EA: Fall '08
Her move out: Fall '09
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In plan A at Dr. Bill Harley's advice since May '10

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I don't think you can contact him any more. But he really can't tell you who you can and cannot contact. If you want to call his employer, then you can unless THEY tell you to stop.

As long as what you are saying is truthful, such as he's carrying on in a relationship with your wife while he's still legally married, etc, then I don't think he can really stop you.

Now I've not read the entire thread, so I don't know if he's using his employer's resources to carry on the affair or not. If he is, or if this is a work place relationship, then they may have an interest.

Then again, they may not want to get involved.

He can send a letter, his lawyer can send a letter, and that would only serve to prevent you from contacting him. He cannot speak for others with whom you communicate.

I'd thank him for his letter, and remind him that he really cannot control with whom you communicate. That you'll honor his request not to communicate with him, but cannot take seriously his request to stop contacting his employer, family, etc as they are presumably adults and can decide for themselves if they want to hear about his activities or not.

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Hi MJ

IMHO you are really doing well! Am sorry for not responding to your response, but have have a few situations develop here. As of last Sat. night now have my 24-year-old son here with me after his break-up with his gf. He is welcome of course, but just feeling an unexpected cramped style for last several days.

It's apparent that this OM spent quite alot of time composing that email to you - partly to justify his behavior, and partly to insult and denograte you. Why would someone do that? Because a) he is running scared and he wants to 'ride the high country' and POA and b) because he is one of those unredeemable lowlifes whose only defense is to insult the good guy - the guy who DID get himself a new job, has worked hard, loves his W, respects others and respects marriage, and in the vein of Lee Marvin's villian characters would prefer to kick a man or a woman when they are down!

MJ, ride the 'high country (in fact if you like westerns at all, try to get this movie - it is still inspiring to me - especially the gunfight at the end) and do not respond directly to him. If you have evidence of new contact or continutation of the A, and esp the OM's contact with your daughters, keep exposing, exposing, exposing. He cannot stop this, and in my opinion that would be better than you directly responding. On all of your subsequent exposures, please copy your W so that she knows you are not afraid of her and that she knows that everyone else knows about her vile behavior. Just make sure you do have the evidence to back this up.

At this point, with the reaction of the OM, I would consider going to a Plan B immediately MJ. That may fly in the face of the veterans here, but you have a hostile OM on your hands. And, you have the principle obligation of protecting your daughters frmo this vile creature from ever putting his hand on your D's leg, knee, face, whatever, ever again!

By way MJ, I am catholic too. Makes no difference what religion a person is, but didn't Christ blow his top and rip the tables out of the temple when he saw moneychanging?

Just protect your kids MJ, that is what you will be judged on - not so much on ever trying to save this marriage.

Take good care, and prayers,

Tom

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