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Originally Posted by karmasrose
If I am to believe what I heard from one of my half-brothers, she said, and I quote, "I have no children."

She has raised no children.
She gave birth, but raised none.

IMO, she made an accurate statement.

She has no children that claim her as mother.

You feel hurt because you personalized her comment and made it relevant to YOUR worth.
You are making this mistake of interpreting her comments inaccurately.

She is making a comment about HER own value/role in life.

She is saying she is not anyone's mother.
Which is accurate.

Joined: Mar 2010
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Karma - I too, am sorry you're having to deal with this.

I've always had a difficult relationship with my mother. I want one so baddly, but every time I've tried to fully integrate her in my life I've been burned. The last time I tried that it ended with me leaving her house with the clothes on my back and her not going to my wedding.

I understand the animosity and revulsion you feel.

I agree with Pep- the cardboard box analogy is great. In essence that is what I've had to do with my mother. I didn't know that was what I was doing at the time, but I have to keep my boundaries pretty high with her and my expectations lower than dirt. I have found if I control the level of contact we have I am much happier. I've discovered the 'safe' distance to keep her and that's as close as I let her get. Boundaries are a life saver.

As far as the children line - well she may have given birth, but it doesn't sound like she was ever really a mother, so in that sense she really doesn't have any children. Because it doesn't sound like she ever bothered to cultivate that relationship. I'm not sure if I'm making sense.... but in order to be a mother, you have to have children. Sure she may have given birth, but she was never actually a mother. She meant the line, and you probably took it as a reflection of you as a bad child. In reality - it is a reflection of HER as a bad mother. If she has no children, it's her fault because she never bothered to mother you. Think of it as the equivalent of a Sperm Donor and a real father. Thats what it sounds like she was to you - genetic material.

Finally, you have to WORK to ensure that this doesn't make you bitter. If you let it, this relationship will ruin all your future ones. You already see it affecting your other relationships. You must not allow your mother that kind of power over your life. We hear stories all the time "he's this way (distant, abusive, controlling, whatever) because he had a bad home life". While a bad home life can scar you - it is YOUR choice if you allow it to continue to affect you.

I'll share something - but it's very difficult for me to say.

I thought I'd gotten over my whole realtionship thing with my mother. I thought I was over it. In reality I wasn't, I'd just stuffed and ignored the feelings. They came back with a vengance when DD was born. I thought I might have some baby blues dealing with post partum. What I felt was rage. An almost uncontrollable rage. It was terrifying. I would sit in a ball and shake, afraid to move, afraid I'd hurt my little girl. I cannot describe the level of rage I felt. I couldn't understand it. I felt helpless against it.

Then one day I realized. I was ANGRY at my mother. Finally I understood what it was to love a child. Finally I knew what that love felt like. Finally I understood the full depth of the betrayal she perpetrated against me and my brother - destroying our family for her own selfish pursuit of happiness with her OM - the man she forced me to call dad. She did this when I was 2 and my brother 2 months old. He was 8 MONTHS old when she remarried. I finally realized how big a dump she took on my life and my childhood. And I was enraged.

At the same time I discovered that my mother never wanted children when she was younger. I learned some details of how she treated me and my brother when we were born. Her selfishness made sense. I was jealouse that my daughter will have a better life, that she was planned for, hoped for, desired and loved by her parents.

It has been a long hard road as I've worked to forgive my mother for the evils she perpetrated against me. But I've had to do it. I've poured my heart out in prayer and shed many tears. But things have gotten so much better.

I know you probably don't want to hear it - but you should work to forgive your mother. Forgivness isn't for your mother. Forgiveness is for you. Forgivness is letting go the anger and hurt you feel from her. Forgivness doesn't mean letting her in your life. She's toxic and, honestly, you would probably be better off if your boundary with her included No Contact.

But if you let the anger sit. If you hold onto it - it will only cause you more damage.

(((karma))) you can come through this - despite the kind of mother you've had. YOU have the power here, hon, NOT her.

Last edited by Vibrissa; 08/06/10 08:25 AM.

Me & DH: 28
Married 8/20/05
1DD, 9 mo.
Just Lookin' and Learnin'
HIYA!
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