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Originally Posted by Willy66
She is not physically abusive, but verbally most likely. With me being the non-confrontational type of person, I just don't know how to respond to the accusations that everything wrong is me and not her. I don't respond well to criticism.

Originally Posted by Willy66
I know what you are saying about the consequences of being a CA. No, I do not want to lose it all. I guess that means that I have to confront her?


Let me let you in on a little secret: Women don't like conflict avoiders.

I'm sure you thought by avoiding conflict and keeping the peace - by bowing to your wife's whims and kowtowing to her anger, that you were showing love. You thought it would make your wife happy. As a bonus - she wouldn't get angry with you!

You get a happy wife, and don't have to deal with negativity and criticism. Sounds great.

Only problem is, your wife KNOWS what you were doing. You were basically saying your thoughts and feelings weren't as important as hers. You, in turn, look weak.

No woman wants to be with a weak man. She cannot respect him. And after a while - the lack of respect for someone she WANTS to respect turns into resentment, turns into anger. Because your behavior has inherently created inequality. Sure - in this inequality SHE'S on top - and you think she'd like that.

But a woman doesn't want to be on top - a woman wants a PARTNER. A woman wants an EQUAL. A woman wants someone WORTHY of her.

A woman also wants someone HONEST. Someone who will SHARE themselves with her to create intimacy.

You're conflict avoidance was a horrible type of dishonesty. You refused to share yourself with your wife and so left a void where intimacy with your wife should be. A void she devastatingly has chosen to fill with someone else. You aren't responsible for the choice she made, but you helped create the conditions that enabled it.

There are ways to handle conflict positively and that promote intimacy. This involves radical honesty without Love Busters.

A woman wants to respect her husband. Conflict avoidance only serves to undermine your worth in her eyes. You are saying you aren't worthy enough to speak your mind. You are less than her. I can't describe the revulsion that causes in a woman.

NOW is the time you must stand up. NOW is the time you must advocate strongly for yourself, because really, now is the LAST chance you'll have of showing your wife you are actually worthy of having a relationship with. (Though right now, as a wayward she isn't worthy of being in a relationship with, thats a different matter). You have to prove to your wife that you are respectable.

Because if you just roll over and let her walk all over you - there is NO CHANCE of recovery. No woman wants to be with a man who wont FIGHT for her and his family. No woman wants to be with a man who feels it's more important to not be yelled at than to keep his family together.

You gotta take this CA aspect of your character and eradicate it. It is going to gain you absolutely NOTHING and lose you EVERYTHING.


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I would like to know where people get this idea:

Originally Posted by chuckw982
I am not sure also if I should fight for sole custody of my kids since my WW is a great mother.


An ACTIVE wayward, by definition CANNOT be a great parent. They are putting their selfish desires above the stability and happiness of their children.

There is little more abusive and destructive a parent can do.

Kissing scraped knees, going to soccer games, and folding Jr.'s underwear does not a good mother make, not if she is actively undermining their home and family.

The FIRST AND BEST definition of a good mother is one who ensures a stable, happy, loving home - by cultivating, nourishing and protecting a romantic, passionate love with her husband.

Because the MARRIAGE forms the foundation of a good home.

She can bake all the cupcakes she wants for the PTA bake sale - if she's spreading her legs for an OM - she is her children's WORST enemy.

ETA: this is about ACTIVE waywards. FORMER waywards are a completely different story - don't want to imply that former waywards are currently bad parents, far from it in fact.

ETA2: Chuck, PLEASE start your own thread and read up on MB.

Last edited by Vibrissa; 08/10/10 09:41 AM.

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Originally Posted by Vibrissa
A woman wants to respect her husband. Conflict avoidance only serves to undermine your worth in her eyes. You are saying you aren't worthy enough to speak your mind. You are less than her. I can't describe the revulsion that causes in a woman.

Vibrissa is correct. Women do not respect men they can run over. It is disgusting. Our love is contingent upon the respect we feel for our husband.

Keeping the peace at all costs does not buy you love, but buys you revulsion.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by chuckw982
I am not sure also if I should fight for sole custody of my kids since my WW is a great mother.

That is an oxymoron. Waywards are not good parents. They are completely self absorbed with their addictive affairs and tend to be very neglectful. They typically teach their children that wrong is right and often try to introduce them to their adultery partner.

And the biggest reason that a wayward is a bad parent is because they are destroying the child's safe family with their selfish affair. It doesn't get anymore selfish and abusive than that.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Vibrissa
Because if you just roll over and let her walk all over you - there is NO CHANCE of recovery. No woman wants to be with a man who wont FIGHT for her and his family. No woman wants to be with a man who feels it's more important to not be yelled at than to keep his family together.

Bingo!!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Vibrissa
Let me let you in on a little secret: Women don't like conflict avoiders.

Because, conflict avoidance is a dishonest method of "getting along".

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Part of the reality check wayward wives must get is the realization that divorce won�t be easy and that you WILL FIGHT for custody of your kids. No, you aren�t likely to get sole custody, but the threat that it could happen is a big dose of cold water on a wayward�s fantasy. The object of the obstacles you put up is to 1. Protect you legally, and 2. Wake her from the fantasy.

You�re not going to do any of this by being Mr. Nice Guy Conflict Avoider. All that will do is leave you penniless and without your kids while another man moves in and raises them and enjoys your stuff.

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How 'bout you start stirring up cr@p on OM's side as well. It's time to stir up a big heaping dose of conflict. I'd expose to his family, friends, xW that he cheated on with your WW before, facebook, whatever. Make OM's life he11 as long as he makes yours he11. Most likely he is involved with your WW because it's easy. He can continue to bang her and he doesn't have to worry about commitment since she's still married to you. If he REALLY wanted your WW, he would have pushed for her to leave you. That obviously hasn't happened. He's content the way it is. Make your WW no longer worth his while.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
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Originally Posted by jmwc95
How 'bout you start stirring up cr@p on OM's side as well.

Agree with Jim. I would have a come to Jesus with that scumbag and set him straight. Make his life a living hell. Go meet with him face to face but leave your pistol in the car.

This is the message you want to send that worm:



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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...man I love that clip - was at Walmart looking at movies last Friday - saw Tombstone and thought of you Mel laugh

/end t/j


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by jmwc95
How 'bout you start stirring up cr@p on OM's side as well.

Agree with Jim. I would have a come to Jesus with that scumbag and set him straight. Make his life a living hell. Go meet with him face to face but leave your pistol in the car.

This is the message you want to send that worm:




The OM is divorced and lives alone. I was able to find his ExW's address but they have been apart for some time. He does have a couple children I might be able to track down.

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Originally Posted by Vibrissa
Originally Posted by Willy66
She is not physically abusive, but verbally most likely. With me being the non-confrontational type of person, I just don't know how to respond to the accusations that everything wrong is me and not her. I don't respond well to criticism.

Originally Posted by Willy66
I know what you are saying about the consequences of being a CA. No, I do not want to lose it all. I guess that means that I have to confront her?


Let me let you in on a little secret: Women don't like conflict avoiders.

I'm sure you thought by avoiding conflict and keeping the peace - by bowing to your wife's whims and kowtowing to her anger, that you were showing love. You thought it would make your wife happy. As a bonus - she wouldn't get angry with you!

You get a happy wife, and don't have to deal with negativity and criticism. Sounds great.

Only problem is, your wife KNOWS what you were doing. You were basically saying your thoughts and feelings weren't as important as hers. You, in turn, look weak.

No woman wants to be with a weak man. She cannot respect him. And after a while - the lack of respect for someone she WANTS to respect turns into resentment, turns into anger. Because your behavior has inherently created inequality. Sure - in this inequality SHE'S on top - and you think she'd like that.

But a woman doesn't want to be on top - a woman wants a PARTNER. A woman wants an EQUAL. A woman wants someone WORTHY of her.

A woman also wants someone HONEST. Someone who will SHARE themselves with her to create intimacy.

You're conflict avoidance was a horrible type of dishonesty. You refused to share yourself with your wife and so left a void where intimacy with your wife should be. A void she devastatingly has chosen to fill with someone else. You aren't responsible for the choice she made, but you helped create the conditions that enabled it.

There are ways to handle conflict positively and that promote intimacy. This involves radical honesty without Love Busters.

A woman wants to respect her husband. Conflict avoidance only serves to undermine your worth in her eyes. You are saying you aren't worthy enough to speak your mind. You are less than her. I can't describe the revulsion that causes in a woman.

NOW is the time you must stand up. NOW is the time you must advocate strongly for yourself, because really, now is the LAST chance you'll have of showing your wife you are actually worthy of having a relationship with. (Though right now, as a wayward she isn't worthy of being in a relationship with, thats a different matter). You have to prove to your wife that you are respectable.

Because if you just roll over and let her walk all over you - there is NO CHANCE of recovery. No woman wants to be with a man who wont FIGHT for her and his family. No woman wants to be with a man who feels it's more important to not be yelled at than to keep his family together.

You gotta take this CA aspect of your character and eradicate it. It is going to gain you absolutely NOTHING and lose you EVERYTHING.



Vib,

Thanks, I needed to hear that.



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Originally Posted by Pepperband
Originally Posted by Willy66
Mel,

The list of things wrong in our marriage is so overwhelming, that is what I fear the most, if we happen to fix one item, then there is a whole bunch more to follow.

I know what you are saying about the consequences of being a CA. No, I do not want to lose it all. I guess that means that I have to confront her?


Willy

Let's re-frame this.

Instead of labeling your behavior as "conflict avoider" , let's just make it simple and say this....

You are not, and have not been HONEST in your marriage.

.... Now with this re-framing ...

What are you going to change?



Pep,

Thanks, you are right!

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Vib,

That is great information you posted. What a rude awakening for me. Thanks.

One other thing that is really making me wonder is why there is a benefit to exposing an affair to friends & family before talking to your spouse about it first? Actually, I did read in previous posts as to "WHY" to do that, but in my case, I think it will push her more to the OM that much more. Not sure if that tactic will work for me. I would assume I will have to access my own situation since every one is different.

Willy,

Once your WW finds out about the exposure, you will have to post how it went. I would be very curious to see if it worked.




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Originally Posted by chuckw982
Vib,

That is great information you posted. What a rude awakening for me. Thanks.

One other thing that is really making me wonder is why there is a benefit to exposing an affair to friends & family before talking to your spouse about it first? Actually, I did read in previous posts as to "WHY" to do that, but in my case, I think it will push her more to the OM that much more. Not sure if that tactic will work for me. I would assume I will have to access my own situation since every one is different.

Willy,

Once your WW finds out about the exposure, you will have to post how it went. I would be very curious to see if it worked.

You should begin a thread of your own.
ASK for help.

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Originally Posted by chuckw982
Vib,

That is great information you posted. What a rude awakening for me. Thanks.

One other thing that is really making me wonder is why there is a benefit to exposing an affair to friends & family before talking to your spouse about it first? Actually, I did read in previous posts as to "WHY" to do that, but in my case, I think it will push her more to the OM that much more. Not sure if that tactic will work for me. I would assume I will have to access my own situation since every one is different.

Willy,

Once your WW finds out about the exposure, you will have to post how it went. I would be very curious to see if it worked.

Your situation is not different. Almost every BS on this board exposed and many of us are still married. The ones who aren't married don't regret exposing. Start your own thread and don't advise others if you have no clue how to handle an affair.

Exposure is like sunlight to a vampire (except apparently after drinking Sookie's blood for you True Blood fans). Sure it will make your WS thrash about a bit at first, but it will eventually kill the affair. Why do you think people hide their affairs? Because they don't want other people to find out. Why don't they want other people to find out? Afterall, haven't they found their true "soulmate"? They know it will kill the affair, and they will manipulate you in any way they can (threats of divorce) to keep from exposing their dirty little secret.

Last edited by jmwc95; 08/10/10 02:13 PM.

Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
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"Start your own thread and don't advise others if you have no clue how to handle an affair"

jmwc95,

Sorry that I even mentioned it!!! I didn't realize I was giving advice! Excuse me! Just trying to learn by gathering information. This situation is similar to mine and thought it would be helpful. Was not ready to start a thread yet!!

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Originally Posted by chuckw982
"Start your own thread and don't advise others if you have no clue how to handle an affair"

jmwc95,

Sorry that I even mentioned it!!! I didn't realize I was giving advice! Excuse me! Just trying to learn by gathering information. This situation is similar to mine and thought it would be helpful. Was not ready to start a thread yet!!

Start a thread. You seem hesitant to start exposure. Man up, start a thread, and then start planning your exposure. The quicker you deal with this the quicker it will be over.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
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Exposure is the greatest weapon at a new BS arsenal.
For one, it allows a real M based on telling the truth to start.

Secondly, exposure will not work overnight. Most new posters do not understand the importance of exposure.

You both should read the site (and books) before giving M advice.


Me; W 46
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DD16
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Melody,

I Love that YouTube video!

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