Hi so here is my brother's brief story..

My brother married a woman that only wanted him for his money she knew he had a really good job that can provide for her to go to school and stay home with the kids, but she also didn't know that my brother was having a really hard time at this job (emotionally, he was a cop) so he had to quit. Well, that happened two days before their wedding and the ONLY reason why she wen't threw with the marriage was because her family was all ready in town and she didn't want to waste there time and money....sigh HORRIBLE MISTAKE!

Anyway after he left that job, she told my mother that she did not love my brother and yet wen't through the marriage anyway, well, needless to say the marriage was terrible she did not love him, respect him or our family, talked trash about him and us even though we tried to welcome her, she just pushed us away by giving us mean comments, example of this is...

Sitting at the dinning room table eating dinner my SIL (other brothers wife) asks her "how are you?" with a big welcoming smile, she doesn't turn or acknowledge that she is talking to her, finally she asks again, no response, so she gave it one last try and this was her response, "ugh!! Don't talk to me!!"

Well the worst of the worst happened, she became pregnant, had the baby, you need to understand my brother he is very loving and caring person and he loved her with all his heart and thought she loved him, we tried soo hard for him to understand what she is doing to him and using him till she finally got her degree. He even did her homework for her because he is such a smart guy!

Finally the divorce was in the process and was taking for ever because she changed the divorce papers AFTER he had signed them, again his life is soo damaged because of this woman even in our own family we are having a hard time because she is manipulating one of our sisters and using her to hate us.

He is still in the process to change the divorce papers, and get joint custody, he loves his son soo very much and it brings me to tears when I see him in so much pain.

Now that the divorce is final (and yet she is still ruining his life) he tries to find woman to date, he found a really sweet woman but she was in a different state for college and couldn't keep up with the relationship, my brother is only 24 years old!!

Well, recently I found out that he is befriending an old friend of the family, she is the same age as him and is in the process of yet another divorce, her first husband broke her chaw and her second one cheated and left her. I have been trying SOOO hard to get him on this site, but he keeps saying "I dont have time, I dont have time"

I told him that he SHOULD NOT be friends with someone who is in the middle of a divorce for the SECOND time! I told him that is RED FLAGS, he kept telling me that I don't know her situation, I said "I don't need to know her situation when she is only 24 years old and has had 2 divorces, LEAVE HER ALONE" then I asked him "please tell me you will not date her after her divorce is final" he did not respond and the other line was quit so I knew exactly what his plans where. I then told him what would happen if they were to start dating....

Your relationship with this woman will only be based on problems because that is how it started, you connected with her because you had problems she connected with you because SHE has her own problems, is that what you want? A relationship ONLY ON PROBLEMS??

This is like leading a blind man when your blind yourself, you can not help her and she can not help you, so why bother?

I told him he needs to find someone that is healthy, and finally I got to the root of his problem, (finding someone to be with that has the same problems).....he told me that he does not want to find someone that is healthy because he doesn't want them to endure the pain his EX will bring them, because even though they are divorced she is still manipulating him, lying to our sister to hate us, and making his life a living H*LL!

Right now I am trying to get him to think a different thought so he knows that HE DESERVES someone healthy, someone who will treat him right, love him, and respect him.

But my question is this, what can I do or say to have him finally get help off the MB web site? He needs help and the support, even on the phone I noticed how much pain he is in, he doesn't even have to say anything, just his energy that is around his body say's it all!

He keeps telling me he has no time, what if I send him an email with the MB link on it?

Or if he wont get on maybe I can get advise from you all great people and I can let him know?

Please HELP!!

Sapp - your brother is an adult. You cannot MAKE him date or not date someone. You cannot MAKE him come here and get help. Other than telling him what is here, perhaps giving him a Harley book and emailing him a link to the site - there really isn't much you can do.

You think he deserves something healthy - obviously he has a different opinion of what he deserves or thinks is 'healthy'. It is his life for him to determine that.

I know it sucks, and it hurts to see someone make choices we feel are bad, but those are THEIR choices to make. Offering unsolicited advice, telling who he CAN and CAN'T date are DISRESPECTFUL. He is not your teenage son, he is an adult man. Harping on this issue will only make him feel judged and make him want to not be around you.

The BEST you can do is be an example to him. Show him a good marriage: yours. Let him know about MB, buy him a couple books. Talk about the progress you've made and the changes you are making. Then, if he is interested HE can chose to MAKE the time to come here because it is important to him.

As the woman he is seeing is not divorced - let him know your stance on adultery. Let him know you cannot support this relationship, and you wont support it in the future. But you cannot tell him he can't see her.

All you can control is YOU and your own behavior.

You can lead a horse to water. You can't make him drink.

I think sending him a link to the website is fine.

HOWEVER, your brother is not as smart as you think he is if he quit his job TWO DAYS before his wedding and didn't already have his bride's support on that decision. Did he have another job already? Can you see how HE doomed the marriage from the very beginning? You sound like you're blaming all the women, but just from your post it appears that your brother walks into these situations and sets himself up for them.

He's grown, but he's young. There's nothing you can teach him that he won't eventually learn himself, and it will stick better when he learns it himself. Send him the link, send him love, wait 10-20 years for the thank-you.

You cannot control your brother. He will learn in his own time and in his own way. You can send him a link to this site but there's no guarantee he'll come here and you need to accept that. You need to love your brother and be supportive of him and you can give him advise when he ASKS for it, but otherwise he's probably not in a state of readiness to receive it. You aren't all that old yourself.

Your right! I can't make him to not date this woman if he chooses to be with her after the divorce is final, and I did mention that I did not like him spending time with married woman. He just tells me that they are just friends and they aren't doing anything, but still, I think it's wrong.

Actually my mom informed me it was a week before their wedding when he quite, but still I see your reasoning, he did have another job lined up but his pay would get cut for this new job.

The only thing I blame my brother about is being so naive and marrying this woman who didn't love him in the first place.

I'll send him the link, I know for SURE he wont read any books I give him, but I'll at least send him an email with a link to this site, if he does end up getting on GREAT!! If not, then at least I said I tried right?

It took me about 3 months to decide if I should post his story to see I can do anything, but apparently I can't, Oh well, ty so much for you responses, I will let him live his life.

If you want to get a non-reader some Harley material, get him the books on CD. I'm not sure which ones are available, but I Promise You and Fall in Love, Stay in Love might be your best bets.

Let him know you've found the information VERY helpful in recovering from your affair and you think he can benefit from the information. Maybe he can listen to them on his commute.

Again, example is the best teacher.

SR, Maybe it's the name of the site that's a little off putting. Your brother's marriage is over. While the After DV boards have some insight for people in your brother's situation, there's really nothing there you can't find elsewhere.

Also, I'm a little confused. Do you object to the particular woman, to him dating someone who is still in the process of divorcing, someone who has been divorced twice, or all of the above?

If it is all of the above, I'd say pick your strongest point and stick with that. When you are trying to get someone to avoid a bad path, the more arguements you present, the more likely they are to blow you off. Three all three reasons why to stay away from this girl, and your brother blow you off thinking, "No one is ever good enough in sis's eyes."

I think your best bet is the non-personal argument. "It's unwise to date women who aren't officially divorced." Or trade "wrong" for "unwise" if you think a moral argument will hold more water. Your brother probably won't listen to you. BUT, the good news is relationships during or immediately after a divorce rarely last. So, the chance of your brother becoming Husband Number 3 are low.

OH! That's a really good idea!!

Sometimes it helps to turn a negative statement into a positive one, you could say "I think it is wise to date someone who is not currently married."

So she's supposed to stay with a man who beats her?!?!

No one said she should stay with a man that beats her. Did you read the entire thread? That doesn't mean she should jump from one man to the other though. It would be more healthy if she would get the help she needs professionally, like from Womenspace and get out on her own instead of a rescue/marriage/affair.