OK, so I decided to follow Hope over to this section of the board. I guess I need to accept it and "move on" too.

Like the rest of you, I never thought I would be here, never wanted to be here, and now finally realized that I am here. UGH

At this point, I just want to get some kind of life back, so I am hoping that all of you on the D board can teach me how to do that. I am still on the roller coaster - going for weeks or a couple of months doing well, then boom - down I go.

So, I'm divorced. There, I said it. UGH!

Personally, I don't remember much good, but I was in an abusive marriage. I don't know if I can truly hate someone. If I could, it would be my ex, but I tend to figure she's doing the best she can and that it's less work to forget and move on than to hate. I do not want anything to do with her, because any contact with her begets drama. But I don't tell her I hate her or that I hated being married to her, no. I try to be civil, to follow the divorce agreement, to avoid contact, and to exchange children politely at visitation time. I try not to badmouth her to the kids. I may wish I'd never met her, and that I never had to deal with her again, but I'm not sure I actually hate her.








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**edit**

Chai,

So maybe we are not "moving on" technically but we are following each other! That's a step right???

Ok, let me say it too...Hi I'm Hope and I'm divorced.

Ouch.

Thing is You Two are way ahead of me and as bad as it has been you are at a point where you can begin again, You are free to redefine your life, in my mind your thru the worst of it.

If you weren't committed to your marriage it would have been over long ago and you wouldn't have gone thru this epic struggle to save it. So square your shoulders, know that you have done everything to honor your M and make a new and better life for your self ...... it waits for all of us we just have to go get it.

When God said he wants an abundant life for us He wasn't kidding, He wants to bless you today

Anyway, welcome to the dark side....... not so bad once your here

Welcome! The worst is over. No, divorce is not what any of us wanted when we married our spouses. We fought a good fight. We know that we did everything possible on our end to save our marriages. Our ex-spouses had other goals. It is done and final. It is what it is. People, that we loved and trusted, let us down. It hurt like hell. But, it didn't kill us. We are still here. Now, we don't have to "plan A" with broken hearts anymore. We don't have to wonder where they are or what they are doing. We can steer our own course. We get to decide our future rather than reacting to someone else's poor choices.

This is excellent, stillstanding2!

This is the kind of post that I can imagine needing to read every once in a while, like I needed to tonight.

Chai, sorry you're here, but welcome from Opt.

You were married a long time. I would imagine the recovery process will take a while. I hope you'll give yourself the time you need to get to the 'acceptance' phase (a personal plight as well for me). I hope you'll share with us the ups and downs of the roller coaster, I'm sure you'll get support here. You're also a little ahead of some of us (personally, my D is final in 34 more days); so you're insight will be valued.

~optimism~

Thanks for the welcome all. You are right, it didn't kill us. Somedays I'm not so sure that is a good thing though. But maybe Still is right - the worst is over. Given a choice of where I am now and being back in that M with all of the lying, sneaking etc going on, well, I choose where I am. When I even think of going back to that dark, secluded house by myself I shudder. No want to go back there in that situation EVER.

It takes time I know. Although I get sick of hearing it, I know it's the truth. A lady I know just told me that she is now over it after 10 years. Eeee gads, I hope it doens't take me that long.

At this point, my XWH seems like someone I knew in the past, in a former life or something. It's weird, but not sure I would even know what to say to him. I'm OK except when those periods of lonliness creep up on me. Gotta watch out for those because they will take me down.

Anywhoo, I'm glad I'm on the borad with such wonderful folks. You all rock.

You are a wonderful woman and these men are idiots.

Sometimes the only thing we can do is be still and catch our breaths.

We are getting through this.

Chai, I am glad to see you started a thread over here....beleive it or not I am jealous of you guys over here....Why? cuz I KNOW I am headed for divorce and that I will probably have to start the proceedings.....I just dont know if I will ever be ready to go through it all and really wish WH would just start it so I have no choice....

You have made it to the other side Chai...and now you can start anew....I feel I am still in limbo and attached to my [censored] WH, unless I start the D...I am so scared to start and wish I was just divorced already....

So you do have some of us that are jealous of you guys over here...I wish you all the best in the world Chai, you deserve it. And I for one will be reading your thread, so keep us updated, k?

Chai & Hope, Welcome.

Being divorced isn't so bad. Today there is much less of a stigma, but there's also less sympathy. People in general seem to assume divorce is just normal.

Here are some things which helped me.
1. God doesn't make trash, and just because B didn't want to change in order to remain married to me, it doesn't mean I'm not worthwhile.
2. Count my blessings every day, especially when it seems as if I don't have any.
3. Try to remember that B has some good points, and that we are just wildly incompatible. In other words, I tried not to get hung up on blame.
4. Do new stuff, and pat yourself on the back for learning all kinds of new skills. Remembering to take the trash out can be big if someone else has been doing. B never did, but Mike took it over, and the first time I had to take the trash out after he died, I was devastated.
5. Seek out other single women. It's great to keep your married friends if you can, but you'll need some friends who have the freedom you do.

Things that don't work:
Dating hot younger men
Going clubbing
Pole Dancing

Creating a dart board out of your ex's photo
Voodoo dolls
Creating a Plenty of Fish profile for your ex touting his short performance time, lack of hygeine and high-heel habit.

Still,

Thanks for dropping by. I appreciate all of the support that you have given me over the months. Don't do anything until you are ready. When you are ready, you will know it.

Green,

Thanks to you also for dropping by. I guess being D'd in and of itself isn't a bad thing, it's all the things that go with it - Your entire life being turned upside down, the loss of your retirement fund, the fact that you are now alone with no one to share the burdens of life with, and on and on....

I'm having the same issue as Hope - we are near retirement and instead of gearing down we now have to start over in our 50's alone. Trying to get a real job in your 50's is not easy. I may never get my retirement account back to where it was before the D. Oh, the destruction it leaves in it's wake....

The dartboard actually sounds like a pretty good idea to me.

I personally like the Plenty of Fish account idea. Too bad I got rid of all the pictures of my ex. Darn!

Chai and Hope, you are both quite an inspiration to others on this board! ESPECIALLY because you are in your 50's and dealing with issues such as retirement! You both are doing far better financially than many people during the current recession. A large part of that is because of your own personal strength which has been honed through this whole experience. I am not the only one here who admires you both!

Chai i don't think i ever really posted to you but when i first came here in 10/2007 your thread was one of the first i read. Let me tell you you have strenght beyond what you know.

They are right for the most part the worst part is behind you. My divorce was final a few months before yours. The ups and downs still happen but less and less frequently. Well in my case only when xwh contacts my IM in regards to my DD 2 (almost 3) and it is him trying to break NC with me or just being dumb. Not sure and most days i don't care.

One piece of advice i was given by IRL friend was that during the down times write. I started a journal just for that purpose. I write to God, my daughter, my mom-mom, and even WH when the occassion calls for it. I do at times still more the loss of my DH but i have come to realize he is no longer there. What is left is a shell of a human being with his soul replaced by evil. Now once i write it out i get up from that and do something productive. Exercise, go for a walk, call up a friend and have them join me for ice cream or something simple. I know it's not always possible but i try to remove myself from the trigger or from being alone.

I looked into my community and found different groups to join. In the fall i will be starting an art class on the nights i don't have DD just to get me out of the house and meet new people. It's free through my township you just have to bring the supplies.

Put please know your thread on SAA is an inspiration to many and helped me through when i thought i wasn't strong enough.

One of the most important things I read about greiving is that time doesn't heal. It's what we do with the time that heals us.

It's pretty scary giving up the old ways and dreams and reality. Creating the New Normal is hard. I think I'm almost there. I know it would have been much harder had I not always tried to find the good in the situation.

"One of the most important things I read about greiving is that time doesn't heal. It's what we do with the time that heals us."

Thank you for this.

Thanks, AntiChick.

The authors found that many of their patients felt WORSE 2, 3, 10 years after the loss of the person. And they believe that the axiom "Time heals all wounds" can actually work against someone.

In my experience, grieving a death has been unexpectedly different than grieving a failed marriage. But, I think the above statement applies to any set back we experience in life.

That said, I also believe that the process cannot be rushed and we have to be patient. I still have rough days when I cry and I want to stamp my feet and I howl at the world, and I wonder if it's too late to call my lawyer and sue for divorce on grounds of desertion.
Judge: Do you know where your husband is?
ME: Yes, I believe I do. I suspect he's in Heaven, or possibly Purgatory since he's roman catholic."
JUDGE: Have you attempted to contact him?
ME: Yes, your honor. However, he has not responded, and the usual channels present some problems. The USPS refuses to provide a ZIP code, and recently they threatened to call authorities if I didn't leave the premises.
JUDGE: Miz (whispering as the judge checks name with clerk), Ms C-H-L, There seems to be no precedent of death as grounds. What makes you think you can divorce him now?
ME: Your Honor, he promised repeatedly he wasn't going anywhere. We're married 4 short weeks, and he buggers off.
JUDGE: I'm refusing the divorce on the basis you are probably non compos mens, and requiring you to attend greif counseling, and possibly a 72-hour evaluation. Kidnly go with the men in white coats.

Yep, there'll be days like this.

So GG, I don't know your story, but you were divorced (infidelity?) and then remarried for only 4 weeks? I am so sorry that happened to you.

Do you have a thread around here someplace? I would like to know more of your story.

I don't have an active thread any more, and you'd have to go back quite a few years.

To this day, I'm not sure whether or not B was unfaithful. If found website searches for call girls on the computer. It really became a non-issue because there were so many other problems. Basically, B never really changed his mindset or behavior after we got married. He didn't give a darn about how I was feeling, until I stopped Plan A. Then he complained that I failed to realize that my unhappiness was making him unhappy. His alternative to working with Steve Harley with me was that I should just stop obsessing about how unhappy I was. I left when I realized staying would mean one of three options for me, suicide, insanity, or prison for 2nd degree murder. People sometimes think I'm exaggerating. I'm not.

Three years after I left B, I met Mike. It was night and day. Mike cared for me, and was willing to "make adjustments" in order for the relationship to grow and thrive. And more importantly, we were highly compatible in terms of values, the framework through which we saw the world, sense of humor, sex drive and our daily habits of living. B and I were incompatible in all those areas even though we had interests in common.

Mike lost his job shortly after we became engaged, and I decided to let him move in. It made better sense since he would be relocating once we were married. We had a wonderful year livng together. I was truly blessed to have that experience.

So, 4 weeks after wedding, I buried my husband. And eventually, I came to realize that our relationship wasn't about me, it was about Mike. He was a ticking time bomb and no one knew it. God could have taken him much earlier, and Mike would never have been married, would never have had the family dinners he loved, would never have helped my girls with their homework. All he ever really wanted was a family, and he got one. He was happy as a clam. That I was happy too was probably incidental to God's plan.

So, now we're cloing in on two years. It's easier now on a day-to-day basis. And I am wiser and hopefully more empathetic. A big difference between being widowed and divorced is that the "Why me?" question doesn't last very long. I go to the cemetary, and the question instantly becomes, "Well, why the heck not me?" And, my MIL is such a blessing. She's lost 2 children and a husband. She keeps going. Her strength and courage amaze and astound me.

So, that's my story in a nut shell.

You may also want to check out KayStampers' threads. She was Vows4Ever before. She's about your age. She's divorced and she lost everything in the divorce. I like her a lot.