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#2419139 08/20/10 02:46 PM
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Hello everyone! I've been lurking on the boards for a month or so and I've finally got up the nerve to post. I found out 2 months ago that my husband of 7 years had a 1 year affair with a woman that we had been hanging out with. We were friends with her and her husband. Since D day, we are working on recovery. My problem is that his affair partner works at a house at the end of my block and I have to see her or car everyday . This is really hard for me. Since discovering the affair, she has avoided driving past my house but lately she is comfortable to drive past now, even when I'm outside with my kids. This makes me very angry!! How can I deal with this for my own sanity?

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MOVE!! If you can see her, so can your husband. If you are triggered then he is 10X as triggered. The affair will resume, it is not a matter of IF, but of WHEN.

Does her husband know about the affair?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Did your husband send a no contact for life letter to OW?
Was the adultery exposed to OW's husband?


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Absolutely agree with MelodyLane. The only solution to your problem is to move.



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? Maya Angelou

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Thank you everyone for responding to my post! Her husband does know about the affair. The whole town knows because of her big mouth! Do you really think I should move? The af takes care of a man who is on his death bed. Do you think I should wait it out or just move?

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Originally Posted by learnin2love
Thank you everyone for responding to my post! Her husband does know about the affair. The whole town knows because of her big mouth! Do you really think I should move? The af takes care of a man who is on his death bed. Do you think I should wait it out or just move?

Your marriage might not last that long. I am dead serious. If you are triggered, I shudder to think what happens to your husband. Check out this article by Dr Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders:

Dr. Harley in Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?


Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through he11. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS
p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by learnin2love
Thank you everyone for responding to my post! Her husband does know about the affair. The whole town knows because of her big mouth! Do you really think I should move? The af takes care of a man who is on his death bed. Do you think I should wait it out or just move?

See, even if the patient passes, you will still live in the same town and still see her around. So the patient's demise will not solve the problem.

I realize it is harder to sell homes now, but it is relatively easy to rent out your home and move somewhere else. The home rental market is hot right now.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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L2L,

Does the OWH understand the effect this is having on his wife? Her driving past your children is really heartless. Do your children know what happened or her children?

Send OWH here if that is possible.

I drive past OM4s house on the way to work everyday, actually a block off the road I take, and even with him being dead I still think about paying his family a visit.

God Bless
Gamma.

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I agree....

MOVE, get out of that town!

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Originally Posted by learnin2love
Thank you everyone for responding to my post! Her husband does know about the affair. The whole town knows because of her big mouth! Do you really think I should move? The af takes care of a man who is on his death bed. Do you think I should wait it out or just move?


If the town is that small, yes you should move. If not your marriage will die from the hundreds of cuts you get each time there is contact, for you or him.

You will never be able to overcome the affair, because it will never fade into the past. Every time you see her, you will trigger right back to the time of the affair. Each time he sees her, his feelings for her will rush back.

You need to allow those feelings and thoughts to fade.

After a while, your stomach will clench just at the thought of going to the grocery store. You'll wonder "Did he run into her at the post office?"

It isn't worth it.

It just isn't.


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I told her husband yesterday what she was doing. He was very angry. He is still trying to figure out whether they will stay married or not. He lives at his moms but is still kind of with his wife(ow).Their children are young. My 4 children are all younger than 7 so they don't know what happened. However when they go outside to play and they see her they yell her name. I don't know what really to tell them so I don't say anything, but try to change the subject. I saw the ow at a local store a few weeks ago and she cried and said she was sorry. I thought she may have been sincere, but now that she is driving up and down the street. I don't believe her. She is the kind of woman that will take any attention she can get so when I went to her husband and told him about this, she probably was happy that it bothered me. I devastated by this! I feel like she won and she will forever be a part of my marriage and I hate what they have done! As far as moving, I have thought about it. I was just thinking I didn't want to make that big of a change because of their selfish decisions but if that's what I have to do then so be it! I have a few other questions. My parents have both recently went into nursing homes close by and I am the decision maker for both. Is it wise to move to another town? Also my husband says he has no feelings at all for ow and never did. He said that he was just addicted to the attention. He is doing everything he should do for recovery. But do u think this is truthful?

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Also my husband says he has no feelings at all for ow and never did. He said that he was just addicted to the attention. He is doing everything he should do for recovery. But do u think this is truthful?

Big fat lie. Have you mentioned about moving? If he does not agree to it then the affair is still on.

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Yes, I told him about moving and he's willing to do whatever I ask. He has mentioned in the last couple months since d day.

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Originally Posted by learnin2love
).Their children are young. My 4 children are all younger than 7 so they don't know what happened. However when they go outside to play and they see her they yell her name. I don't know what really to tell them so I don't say anything, but try to change the subject.

I would tell the children who are older than 4 about the affair and WHY adultery is wrong. Tell them that OW is an enemy to your family and why. Tell them they are not to talk to her. Kids can deal with the truth, L2L, they cannot deal with lies. They have probably seen things with the OW and their dad that confused them so addressing this openly and honestly will prevent moral confusion. SILENCE is the worst thing you can do in this situation.


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I feel like she won and she will forever be a part of my marriage and I hate what they have done!

I know. frown But she did not win anything other than the Skankyho award.

Quote
As far as moving, I have thought about it. I was just thinking I didn't want to make that big of a change because of their selfish decisions but if that's what I have to do then so be it!

If you don't change because of their selfish decisions, the affair will win. Staying will be like playing russian roulette with your marriage. It is to make yourself AVAILABLE to be destroyed. The way to win is to get out of the WAY. You won't win by tempting fate. You will lose. You already know what has happened. It will happen again if you don't change the environment.

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I have a few other questions. My parents have both recently went into nursing homes close by and I am the decision maker for both. Is it wise to move to another town?

YES. Either get them moved close to your new town, or you drive over 1-2 times a week. You have to put your marriage FIRST. Your children and your husband need you more.

Quote
Also my husband says he has no feelings at all for ow and never did. He said that he was just addicted to the attention. He is doing everything he should do for recovery. But do u think this is truthful?

Your H is addicted to the attention. Those are very powerful feelings.
Powerful enough for him to risk his marriage and his children's familty. And that is why you have to get away. Every time he sees her, those powerful feelings of addiction come back.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by learnin2love
Yes, I told him about moving and he's willing to do whatever I ask. He has mentioned in the last couple months since d day.

He KNOWS what he is up against. And this is a good sign. Get out of there, my friend! Even if you have to rent a house somewhere else while you get your house ready to rent, I would do it.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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L2L,

I also live in a small town where I "get" to see the OW frequently.

In fact, she was recently elected to office in a city near me (I live in the country, and she ran for office in "town", so now she thinks she is some big wig). I get to see her picture now and again in the town paper. Whoop-de-doo. or, Whoop-de-doo-doo.

anyway.

I can say from experience that at first it was rough for me, seeing her skanky butt here and there. I did trigger. I experienced some anxiety about "possible" sightings, and I also worried about driving where she might be, and even having to drive on the road she lived on.

And then I remembered that SHE was the one who should be ashamed, not me. She was the skank, not me. That the places she contaminated with her presence did not hold memories, that I held those memories, and I had to work through the affair thing.

I had lots of work to do.

Whether she drove past me or not.
Whether I saw her or not.
Whether she had her pic in the paper or not.

Would it have been "easier" if I didn't have to deal with that?

Sure.


It would have been "easier" the whole way around if the affair had never happened. But that is not how my life was arranged, either.


I cannot just move, because of other circumstances.

Would I have moved because of the OW?


Probably NOT.

BUT, in my sitch I had a husband whose resolve to repair the marriage was immediate, certain, and transparent. If I had ANY doubt about that, things might be different.

Weigh your options. Don't EVER let her know your pain. She will only thrive on it.


SB



Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
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Thank you soo much for responding Mel and SB! I feel so alone and its comforting to know that you understand how I feel! My husband is also transparent and willing to do whatever it takes. I'm just devastated! I found out on June 10 this year. I will have a few good days and then out of the blue, despair! We have bought lb, saa, and hnhn, we haven't really made a full commitment. Over the past 2 months. My mother went into cardiac arrest and flatlined @ her home. Its a miracle she is alive but its going to be a long recovery. Its up and down! We had to put my dad in a nursing home also because he has dementia and just last week my best friend 23 year old sister died in an motorcycle accident. I feel like nothing is the same! In the meantime I have 4 children who need me and a home to take care of and have to figure out how this marriage is going to survive! I am so overwhelmed! I know somehow this will work out because God doesn't put more on us than we can bear, I just can't seem to pick myself up and my eating is out of control! Sorry I just needed to get that all out!

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L2L,

You are only a couple of months from d-day.

Your sense that life is a rollercoaster right now is normal.

There were times that I locked myself in the closet and just sat there in the dark, crying, because I could not face the world. I had to lock out the stimulus, lock out the light and sound, everything, just so that I could THINK....so I could take that next step....physically take that next step.

There were days at a time when I felt I could not eat. There were times when I felt time stand still, when things happened and I didn't remember them, when I repeated myself, when I forgot where I was going and wound up just driving.......somewhere........anywhere..........

I would park the car and cry. I would drive that car and yell as loudly as I could, scream at my stupid husband for doing this to me, to him, to US, HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO US????? and the most overwhelming question of all.....


WHY?????????

And as I drove, sometimes the most startling things would come to me. Other times, only silent tears came.

There were many times that I was just blank. I could "watch" a TV show, and nothing came in. I could read a book, and never catch a single thing on the page.

I might sit on the patio for hours, watching the waves in the pool. Never heard the phone ring, only hearing the pounding ruminations of pain inside my heart and head.

One glass of wine would make me the most uninhibited woman when it came to saying whatever was on my mind. I would lovebust and disrespect my husband, only to want him to forgive me for whatever it was that led him to have the affair, whatever it was that I might have done. I searched my soul for the things within me to change, only to see that

it wasn't me

although I wished to God above for a way for me to be able to control it all

to change it all

to somehow go back in time

and make it so none of it ever happened

so I could have been the world's most perfect wife....


so he never would have strayed.


I had those days. And those nights. And all those in-betweens.

I am among the betrayed spouses here.

Stay around, because we can help you get through the next year or so. We've been there, done that, hated it. We not only have the t-shirt, we bear the scars.

But because we have used Marriage Builders

we also bear the knowledge of how to make it through recovery from an affair.


You might not forget the pain
but
you can HEAL.

And YOU CAN SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE.

If that is what you choose to do.



Five years ago, that is what I chose to do.

Schoolbus


Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.

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