My story is well-documented on this site, but I was cheated on and tolerated the occasional physical abuse for years. I finally reached the point where I could take no more, moved out, and got divorced. By the way, we have two kids, ages 9 and 3, and were married for nearly 15 years.

She was truly awful to me, and for a long time I was filled with anger towards her. I would get on here and launch tirade after tirade about her infidelities.

My issue now is that despite all that, I find myself feeling terribly guilty. Part of my brain knows that I did the right thing for myself and my kids, but another part sees how my ex struggles now. She assaulted me, and I nuked everything. I know my kids won't ever get to see their parents together, and it crushes me. I know it was her actions that ruined the marriage, but I was the one who pulled the trigger. I ended things.

That's actually a fairly good analogy...it's like being a police officer who's forced to shoot someone to save himself or someone else. He/she can still feel tremendous amounts of guilt about it.

I need to stop rambling, but I'm wondering if I'm normal, or being a fool for torturing myself with this for 16 months.

Hi Krazy. Guilt is a feeling we have when we have done something wrong. It is our conscience's warning signal that we are in violation. You and I both know that you did nothing wrong. In fact, you did everything right. You stayed and tried your best to make it work, and only gave up when you realized it wouldn't work. So I don't think it is guilt you are feeling.

I think what you feel is sadness. And that is the result of your decency. You can't fix decent. You did the most decent thing for you and your kids, Krazy.

Hi Krazy,

I followed your story here and you are correct - she was aweful to you you. I think it's only natural to ponder all the woulda/shoulda/couldas and feel guilt even when none is warranted. Your ex is broken. You wanted to fix her and probably still do but you can't. You may even see this as a shortcoming in yourself, but it's not. She is what she is and only she can change that.

It is most unfortunate that kids get caught in the crossfire of adultery. They are the true victims as they would be in any type of disaster. But out of disaster and tragedy, they can build strength and this is where you can help guide them. Even by "pulling the trigger" and ending your marriage you showed them that abuse and adultery are unacceptable and that one MUST have boundaries in place and be willing to enforce them. Children of divorce learn hard lessons, but they can be good, valuable lessons with the proper guidance.

Krazy,

I agree with Mel and Tabby, i think you are still mourning your loss.......

Krazy:

My situation is different than yours in that I was not the one who pulled the trigger, but I still feel guilt over the divorce because of my children. I know in my head that it is mis-placed guilt, as is yours, but nevertheless I still feel guilty that my children don't get the chance to have an intact family...and we separated in July 2007...divorce was finalized about a month ago.

Ex cheated on me, DDay was Dec 2006, started to R the M, and were planning on renewing vows, then Ex became uber-entitled after a few months of R, and refused to do any work on R unless her list of demands were met...which was the same M.O. from pre-DDay.

I was not willing to continue the same marital dynamic of me meeting demands for her participation in the M, so Ex walked out and filed for D.

Three years into this, my children seem to be adjusting well, and I know that my life has improved without the Ex involved. However, my mis-placed guilt comes from the knowledge that my kids would have had a better life without their parents splitting, and from my perception of myself...that I would do anything to protect my kids...but when it came down to a choice of whether to continue in a one-sided M with an entitled wayward, I chose to hold my ground for a M with two willing participants. The end result, is that my kids ended up with split parents.


I think your feelings of guilt are normal, but misplaced. Three years out, I don't feel these feelings as often anymore, but they are still here sometimes.

Hope it helps to know that you are not alone in those feelings.

I think what you are going through is a natural part of the process. I also agree with whoever said that what you are feeling is sadness. The whole thing is sad. So much hurt and loss.

I remember your story and you had a double whammy, so don't beat yourself up too bad. Just know that you did everything you could do, but OMG, no one could get past what you had to deal with.

Heal yourself. Take care of the kids. They know you love them.