After a long gradual run down of our emotional connection for which we are both to blame (alcohol-me...lack of communication...etc) my wife and I of 14 years are now separated with one child living with her. An emotional internet/phone affair between her and a friend has been exposed. We have met with a pastor and have an agreement not to seek divorce while we attempt to rebuild our friendship. I am satisfactorily convinced that no physical affair has taken place.

while there has been an acknowledgment that the behavior in the affair was inappropriate, contact between them continues by phone and text, justified as her emotional support in time of crisis. The crumbling marriage has control issues so any demands by me to limit contact are denied. And while the infidelity has apparently ceased per our agreement...she herself admits out of honesty that she cannot guarantee, at least at this time, that she is strong enough to promise it will absolutely not happen again. Hard words to hear.

I'm willing to look past what's happened in favor of saving the family, and I still love her deeply. Our problems (aside from the emotional affair) are solvable with time and hard work. I realize with the other person in the picture, the odds are long, but there is no way I can demand his removal and succeed. The alternatives are to allow it, and trust her behavior, or divorce.

I'm pessimistic due to her stated loss of love, and that there's no commitment to the marriage, only the immediate goal of rebuilding the friendship (though marriage work has not been ruled out after this, and meetings as a couple with our Pastor continue.)

I'm encouraged by our continued contact, working together effectively to solve the financial issues of the separation, and spending time together as a family, which we do quite effectively. though there is no intimacy.

I'm in the position of giving time. I feel there's nothing I can do but change myself for the better, and see if she decides the family is where her heart lies.

Fighting my trust issues, fear of uncertainty, loneliness, and impatience is consuming me mentally and physically. it is a challenge not to allow this into our family time.

any advice is welcomed. I'm committed to doing everything I can to see this through, while coming to terms with the possibility it may be over. or it may not. Uncertainty.

K-Fork,

Sorry you are here. Lots of good folks here to lend a helping hand.

You readily admit that you are "both to blame". What are you doing to address your part in it? Factor her aside for a minute. What are you doing to work on YOUR issues?

TBC

An excellent question.. I'm controlling the drinking (never abusive when drunk but a drunk is still dysfunctional) and counseling to work on my issues of finding joy in nothing, stress management, and my overall attitude, among other things. I need to become stronger and independent.

Difficult to do while adjusting to living quietly alone after so many years and feeling that with every passing day the marriage and family is slipping away. (see..there's my impatience, paranoia.. etc)

Since you refer to yourself as a drunk, does that mean you are regularly attending meetings (ie. AA) in order to address this particular issue? If so, how long has it been since you gave it up? (I'm referring to the booze, not the meetings.....)

TBC

I assume you mean you will be drinking less.

If my assumption is correct ... Not good enough.

I readily admit, this is a big sensitive area for me ... but my bull-poo-detection system in the area of substance abuse is highly tuned.

Let me put it to you plainly:

If your wife complained, even a little, about your drinking, it must not be "controlled" it must be extinguished.



Welcome to MARRIAGE BUILDERS

Who was it exposed to?
Do you have children? Do they know?


The affair is not over, it isn't even on hold. It continues full force and WILL escalate. She will NOT be strong enough to resist.


You don't 'look past' it. You RECOVER from it. Big difference. Recovery requires work, effort, and time.


The odds aren't long - they are NON EXISTANT. You will NEVER succeed as long as she is talking to him.

NEVER.

EVER.

EVER.

EVER.

I don't know how to say it strongly enough.

You demand his removal, because without it there is no marriage to recover. You might as well divorce, because there will be NOTHING.


You don't rebuild friendship, you recover your marriage and restore love, and passion between you. That will NEVER happen because she has a foot out the door.

She will not commit to the marriage until the OM is out of the picture. If your pastor is not insisting that she end this relationship, then you are wasting your time with him.


As long as there is contact with OM- there is little to be encouraged about. Don't set your expectations so low they are met by mediocrity.


Well - you are right here. There is nothing you can do but work on yourself. You mention alcohol as a problem, are you in AA? Are you working on a program of recovery?

Research here how to be a better husband.

However, you keep thinking of your wife as a rational, sane person. She isn't. She is wayward. She will not 'decide the family is where her heart lies'. She can't. She is addicted to her OM - as evidenced by her decision to NOT give him up. She will constantly go back to him to get her fix. She is no different than a crack addict clutching her pipe.


I'm sure it is.



It ain't over till the fat lady sings, and sometimes not even then.

If you are really committed to doing everything you will:

Do a NUCLEAR re-exposure.
Dump the pastor and get some quality counseling from people who KNOW how to deal with affairs: the coaching center here.
You will get into an alcohol recovery program.
You will study up on Plan A and Plan B.
You will become the best dang husband you can be.
You will do everything in your power to end this affair - exposing to the OMs wife/family, etc - and INSIST your wife end her affair.

You gotta show your wife you are willing to FIGHT for her and your family. She's gonna be spittin' mad, but that's a good thing. A woman respects and wants a man who is a MAN, not one that is concerned with 'being friends'. You can be friends and have a lovely divorce. Or you can be a husband and (I'm assuming) father and stand up for your family.

It's time to fight man!

Please click on the "CARROT/STICK" link in my sig line.
You will get a rudimentary understanding of the Plan A ...

Meanwhile
Go to the MB bookstore and order SURVIVING AN AFFAIR.
*LINK* to bookstore

Kfork- I don't post here often, but your choice of in-action is the wrong move. The ONLY way to succeed is to demand the removal of the other person from your lives, forever.

Your wife will tell you you were too controlling, DO NOT listen to her. She will re-write your history to justify her actions. It is called waywardness, and you can't allow yourself to buy into the foggy thinking she has.

Listen to the advice of these posters. Vibrissa- Excellent post!!

Go back and read it until you accept it. No one here wants your marriage to fail. Your wife is just setting herself up for her life without you. The time to act is now.

Exposure is critical. and the time is running out. She will begin to weave a tale about how you were never there for her, you were so controlling, she never should have married you, you might even be accused of having an affair.

If you need help with what to say, this forum can give you the words, but you need to say them. And soon. She won't have time to make up a lie to cover if you act now.

She will be upset, no..... she will be unbelieveably angry that you exposed the family problems. This will pass. But if you expose the affair for what it is right now, to family friends, workplace, if they are co-workers, it will bring a huge dose of reality to the affair and it will die.

After that, you need to work on yourself, got an alcohol problem, get help, and stop drinking.

Go to counciling, This will help with the lack of sleep and the weight loss from not eating that is coming at you. Dr. Harley has so much experience in this type of situation, He should write a book........ He has....Several...and he is available for counciling through this site.

Or you can try to wait it out. and find yourself where I am. 19 months of divorce. Started June 2009 and scheduled to be over Dec 2010. Tens of thousands of dollars in legal debt, kids in therapy do to the losses.

What will it take to get you to fight for your childs family? They lose if you let this go. At best he/she will get to see only one of you at a time. I realize this seems contrary to common logic. but common logic will get you divorced. Keep posting and asking questions, help is here if you just ask.

So basically I get to chose between a divorce now, or a divorce later.

Do you have a reading comprehension issue?

That is NOT the message ....

NO - Not if you ACT.

Not if you end this affair.

If you don't end the affair - your marriage will end.
If you do end the affair - you have a CHANCE. And really, a pretty good chance.

Many people here have recovered affairs, affairs probably more entrenched than your own. Affairs that were physical. Affairs that occurred over years, affairs where the woman bore the OTHER MAN'S CHILD. Your situation is only hopeless if you give up hope.

She will be angry, she will threaten to leave, she will GET OVER IT.

If you have children, imagine one of them is addicted to drugs. Do you say - I can't intervene, they may get angry, they may leave. Or do you have an intervention, do you take the drugs away?

Do you say - well they'll probably die on the drugs, but they may die from a car crash tomorrow, they'll die eventually. I'll just leave them to their drugs and try to have a 'friendly' relationship while their here?

Of course not - that is ridiculous.

You end the darn addiction. You get help from experts, you get advice and seek the support of those who have been there before. You ignore the addict's rage and anger, because you are DOING WHAT IS BEST.

MAN up Kfork.

kfork, the others have given you excellent advice and I hope for the sake of your marriage that you take it. You should not allow the affair to continue if you want to save this. You should DEMAND she end all contact with the OM and then if she doesnt, personally run him off. Expose to his family and go confront him. This man has no business sniffing around your wife. Go defend your marriage, Sir!

Neither of these qualities will help you formulate a PLAN.

What you need is a PLAN.
Not an emotionally-driven knee-jerk reaction to what your paranoia is saying to you.

Impatience may be your biggest weakness.

MB is a marathon, NOT a sprint.

Do you think you can calm yourself long enough to formulate a PLAN?

DROP the paranoia and the impatience yesterday.

READ the carrot/stick link and return to THIS thread to comment on it and ask your questions about PLAN A.

Kfork, you write


No, not at all; you just have to do one thing: follow the advice of those posting comments, except those departing from the MB handbook. Your marriage can be saved; in fact, it can be made better. But you have to follow Plan A and Plan B, not Plan Kfork. I should know. I followed Plan MJ until divorce seemed inevitable.

I would add one bit of advice. Think of your efforts to improve yourself and kill your wife's affair as a part-time job. Two to three hours a day, you need to work on your marriage. Read the books. Post here. Go to AA. And expose to all of your wife's friends and family members as well as the Other Man's spouse, friends, and family. The road to marital recovery is long and narrow!

-------------------------------------
Me: BH, 39 (and no longer jobless)
Her: WW, 33
2 young kids (DD3 and DD1.5)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: Fall '09
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In plan A at Dr. Bill Harley's advice since May '10

No, you can wait for her to divorce you, or you can stand up for your marriage.

Your situation is not that different from others on this site. The actions you take right now, will affect your future. Give Dr. Harvey a call, he is can give you a plan to save your marriage.

There are many marriages that have been turned around from where you are, some of the posters here were you in their situation, some were your wife (wayward) they can tell you what works and what doesn't.

I know it can seem like you are pushing her away to expose the affair. That was one of the reasons I didn't. I am getting Divorced, and missed my opportunity. Exposing the affair isn't the crime that will destroy your marriage. The affair continuing will do that.

a couple of points.. I consider the affair exposed. her family knows, her friends know, the pastor knows. I guess since it's by phone and not in person (he lives a long way away) they aren't pressuring her, or she isnt listening.

these two go way back, years, before the transgression happened. She has stated clearly they will always be good friends, no matter what. I am going to hit a brick wall on this. sigh.

So what is your plan??

Are you willing to attend AA meetings?

Are you willing to work on plan A knowing full well that your wife is having an affair with this OM?

Are you willing to get your family back at the house? (I think your wife and child should move back home)

Are you willing to do a plan B if necessary?

How much do they know about this affair? Do they think "they are just friends?" if so then you did not expose right, they need to know details.

Are you going to do something today about your marriage?

This is a STANDARD adultery comment.

Have you read the carrot/stick thread?
Can you comment?

already am.


willing but dubious because....


not gonna happen. she moved 500 miles away to be near family. I'm the remote one now and while welcome in her home, not allowed to move in.

Sell your house and move CLOSER to YOUR FAMILY! Get a job, find a place up where she is, and start dating your wife!

You can not do a plan A if she is NO WHERE near you.

If you can't do that, then I suggest you file for divorce.