Hi, J. Welcome.

First, let me get the time line straight. 2 years ago, he had an affair, and one of you moved out of the house and you have been separated.

6 months ago, divorce papers were filed. Correct?

I don't think that someone who has filed for divorced and lived in a separate house for a year is being unfaithful to date.

So, just putting all that aside, I think you need to listen to your doubts. Rebound relationships are common and you may be in one. If your needs haven't been met in a very long time, the sheer thrill of having someone, anyone, meet some of those needs, can blind you to whether or not you two are compatible long-term.

Also, it's good to have doubts. Doubts are normal when you are dating anyone.

I am a little lost on the time line.

It sounds like she tried for 2-years to recover after D-Day then set an unspecified deadline. Somewhere in there they started living in �separate quarters�. The term �separate quarters� is frequently used to describe different sleeping arrangements in a shared house.

That�s why I asked the question. To me that�s a pretty big difference.

Wrong!

She was living in a separate bedroom since her husband's affair. He was trying to reconcile, but she thought they needed counseling. He didn't want to go to counseling. She claimed to give him a deadline to arrange counseling (I guess she was incapable) or she would divorce him. The day of the deadline (no revisionist history here, we're going to say it was the day of, not before), she met her affair partner and started her affair. She then filed for divorce. My bet is that her love bank was getting beaten down because they hadn't fully recovered, she was getting wayward in thought, she found some guy she had a crush on at the gym or at work, gave her husband a deadline she knew he wouldn't meet so it would excuse her subsequent actions (in her mind), started up "officially" with the OM that day, and then later filed for divorce.

She's as wayward as they come. Or a troll.

Seriously, the day of the deadline? Sounds like she had been eyeing OM for a while and couldn't wait for the deadline to pass so she could be "released" to start dating him "officially."

Let me start by explaining my marriage. He came to me about 3 years ago and confessed not only the affair but that he had been heavily into porn and self satisfaction instead of being with me. He then agreed to go to counseling but then never attended. As things continued to spiral he became more and more abusive(verbally). Throughout the marriage he would lie to me and then when questioned about a lie he would say I did not hear right and that I was crazy in the head. I was dedicated to this marriage! I loved him with every fiber in me. I am the major contributor in the family and provided very well for he and my children. We have several homes and vehicles due to my hard work and planning and for the last 6 years he quit working. He then started drinking then became more abusive screaming and yelling profanities such as F***** whore and F****** Bit** and saying that he hoped I would die. He broke every door in our house one time or another. He broke things that he knew were dear to me. The last straw he had a gun and held my two children and I hostage. He was arrested and slapped on the wrist. I then even at that point agreed to go to counseling if he arranged it. He never arranged it and said it would not do any good anyway. That is when I truly knew it was over. I met my new friend the next week. He saved my life literally. I was broken, torn and though beyond recovery!

Joiebret, I'm not going to hammer you on the head with the same points others have already made. Your original question had to do with getting rid of doubts etc, so I'll focus on that.

Your WH was an adulterer and possibly an abusive monster. These are valid reasons to leave him and divorce. Especially if he is threatening your kids. You don't need an OM to make this decision or follow through with it. You just do it. This whole issue is about you, your WH and your kids. Nobody else.

The OM is just that - an OM. That you met him the next day or the next week after your "deadline" or "last straw" or however you want to think about it is not relevent at all. It really isn't. The state of your marriage is between you, your WH and your kids - that's it.

Why you are feeling doubts is because you've combined this OM with the state of your marriage. You've brought someone in to where it's none of his business. It doesn't matter how adulterous or how abusive your WH is - you still have unfinished business with him and it has nothing to do with this new guy!

People here will lecture you about adultery and some may even mention rebound relationships but the common thing is that these "new" relationships can't work until you're completely finished with the old one! From your point of view, you may see the divorce as inevitable and the time in between as lost living time, but you truly do need to tie up the loose ends before you are able to move on. Beleive me, this is a mistake people have made over and over and over again and the story doesn't change.

Okay. I guess that falls into the last straw category.

Are you physically separated from this man? Do you have a restraining order on him for you and the kids?

I am surprised about the police response. Waving guns in front of children usually elicits more than, "a slap on the wrist".

Did the police negotiate the hostage situation?

I certainly can see where your OM should have doubts. He is dating a still married woman whose STBX threatens children with guns. Yikes!

By the way, is OM currently married or in the divorce process?

There is nothing here that makes your adultery ok. We get it, your husband is a monster. Good for you on divorcing him. Still doesn't make bringing another man into it ok. Doesn't make you any less an adulturess. Doesn't make your OM any better. He still has no respect for marriage because he believes there are mitigating circumstances that make adultery ok.

If you stick with this relationship- make sure you are absolutely perfect. There is no telling what other circumstances this man may consider justifiable grounds to have an affair. Make sure he's perfect too. No telling what sort of infractions you may feel make him horrible enough that cheating on him is ok.

Either marriage is sacred or it isn't. There is no in-between.

You are just jumping from one bad guy to the next and tossing away your morals and dignity in the process. I would suggest being single for a while and focus on fixing you.

Just a couple of thoughts - to the people who think waving a gun around kids automatically gets police (and more importantly the judges) to do the right thing - not likely. One of my best friends several years ago was held, along with her son, at gunpoint with the ijit she was married to holding a semi-automatic assualt rifle on her, for some 10 hours. SWAT had to be called, they finally got the son out, then hours later managed to get her out, then had to teargas the house and take out a back wall with the mis-management of their assault vehicle. He spent less than 2 weeks in jail, then his therapist testified that he'd just "decompensated" and even though through the divorce process he violated the restraining orders MULTIPLE times, including posting a semi-nude photo of her (from better times in their marriage) on an internet site, asking people to go and "mess with her", he only spent another 2 weeks in jail for that. Since it was a 1st offense, the judge didn't deem him a violent threat.

As for the OP, I am amazed at all the moral judgments that get passed on this board. Let he who is without sin, etc. Some people believe that at the point the vows are broken to the point of physical abuse, legalities aside, the marriage is over. If you don't agree, that's fine, but I am frankly offended at the people calling her essentially a wh**re or a sl**t for looking elsewhere for affection.

Now, *TO* the OP - You have a *LOT* of healing to do. While I do not want to in ANY way imply you caused any of this, you are probably already aware that abusers look for those of us with chinks in our armor (or none to speak of). You need to do a LOT of work on YOU to get over all of this. This is NOT a time in your life when you need to be getting involved with another guy. You feel desperate for love and attention, I get that. You need to develop platonic friends and family (if you have them) for love and attention and to help you see yourself as someone worthy of respect. There's time for romance and all that once you're whole again. Right now, you're doing both you AND anyone you date a disservice.

Good luck, and blessings to you and your kiddo.

TAC

I looked back, and I see no name-calling.
Neither of those words were mentioned until you mentioned them.
In fact, I do not use those words here on MB.
They are inappropriate, in my view.
I do not view this wife as either of those words you wrote.

If I am wrong, please correct me by showing me a quote.

I say she is an adulterer.
Because, by definition, she is married, and she has a lover.
Adulterer is not name-calling, it is a definition of a particular action.

The remainder of your message, I completely agree with.

Either marriage is important, or it isn't. Committing adultery says nothing about the state of the marriage and EVERYTHING about the person committing it and their values.

No one is saying she should stay with this man. No one is saying she doesn't have a right to leave him. No one has called her anything but what she is: an adulterer. There is no doubt she is that, because she is in a relationship while married.


And some people believe that once they fall out of love, once their needs are no longer being met, it is 'over'.

You cannot arbitrarily draw the line and say "According to TAC a marriage is 'over' at physical abuse." because then Wayward Spouse #1 will say "According to me the marriage is 'over' when my wife withheld sex for a year." or "The marriage is 'over' when he raised his voice to me."

A marriage is a marriage until it isn't.

A couple can separate, a couple can file, but they are STILL married, until they aren't anymore.

If her mitigating circumstances make it justifiable, then what other circumstances make it justifiable? And who is the arbiter of this? YOU?

She emotionally may have moved on - but so have many adulterers. Still doesn't make it OK.

She is in no state to be engaging in a relationship. The last relationship must be OVER. She has to heal. THAT is why she is having problems now.

That's a pretty bad story indeed. I still like to think that the police and judges get it right more often than not. My own dad held up a SWAT team and 50 police for 8-hours with no hostage (and no viable weapons because I had disabled them all without his knowedge a few hours earlier ) and ended up in a 6-week psychiatric lockdown. That seemed reasonable.



Just a quick point; there is no such thing. It is either semi-automatic rifle or an assault rifle. To be an assault rifle it needs the selective fire option to go fully automatic.
However you could call it a semi-automatic assault weapon as defined by the Gun Control Act of 1968. Just saying.



Adultery has a clear definition it's not a moral judgement.


My WxW would agree 100% although her bar was far,far lower than abuse. Oh, and it was her secret.




I think there is 100% agreement on this. And should this good advice not apply to all people who are in the process of divorce and separation?

If this H is as abusive as you say why would you "date" an OP and really have your H go off his rocker and put your children and yourself at risk from his anger?

Get H out of the house
Continue with D
Take time for your children who need you more than ever.
Get your own life together once the D is final and heal your family for at least a year before you jump into another R.

@chrisner - you're right on the gun... I am an NRA poster child myself down here in the wilds of Texas, and I mis-spoke, which I despised when I read that sort of thing in the media.

It was a "set-me" (I haven't a clue how to spell that, I own all handguns at this point, and am clueless about longarms) assault rifle, and I believe when sold it had been modified to not allow full auto, but the guy was a gun nut and I personally don't know if he removed the restriction. Hence the equivocation.

I feel I do need time to heal - it is a valid point - and yes I am in my own home now for several months. My husband is seeing a new woman and has been I recently found out for several months - I admit that I am not WHOLE!! Am praying daily to find the complete me again!

I am sorry for all you have been through. Your first obligation needs to be to your kids and your safety. Common sense as well as statistics will tell you that the time of separation/divorce is the most dangerous time for someone separating from an abusive spouse. To involve another person is to invite trouble and put them at risk as well. Please tell this other person that you jumped the gun on entering into a relationship with him and need to cut off contact to ensure your well being and that of your kids. Spend this interim time in healing (yourself) and helping your kids through their adjustment. Spend time with friends and family and ensure a good support group for yourself. Maybe you did not realize that to get involved with someone else while you are still legally married is not a good idea but also if you break boundaries, it gives you the label of adulteress, but now you know. You can't change what's been done already, but you can alter your course for the future. It is true, if you are with someone who does not respect the confines of marriage, neither will they respect them with/for you! So that rules out other man as a good candidate for dating in the future. It's important to become aware that there are those who prey upon women in vulnerable positions, and you are prime target right now...all the more reason to not get involved until you are past all this, strong, healthy and whole. Good luck to you, the future surely will look brighter than your past has been to you. (((hugs)))