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Time to stop being a lump-on-a-log.

Ok, so you tipped the stack and made a mess. Then you owned up to it. Now you've pretty well established the cost.

Dues paid.

It's not time to isht or get off the pot, it's PAST time to get off the pot.

Get off the danged pot.


Your main problem isn't not knowing what to do... and only slightly about having a plan.

Develop the plan, and follow the danged thing.

Enough is enough sister.

THAT'S why you don't come around, you ARE paralyzed... by fear.

You know what we are going to tell you, and you are afraid of hearing it. You know what you have to do, and you are afraid to do it.


Your hope has transformed into shackles and blinders.


Time to let go, sister.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Originally Posted By: NeverGuessed

Get rid of all that now. The girls can help. Go to the basement, attic, garage or shed, or wherever your pile is the largest, and get it gone. The easiest way is to have dropped off one of those 12-yard dumpsters. Fill it up and let them haul it away. The usual cost is about $250, and you'll have a week to fill it.

What do you think?


Sounds like a plan..


Me 56 Former BS
Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years.
4 children
DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4
Me former BS
DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr
DSs 26 and 23
Teilhard de Chardin..We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. ...Sounds about right to me.
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40 yard in our state is about $550.

You can fit an entire house in one of those suckers. wink


Me: 30
Him: 39
Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret
And our very lucky pony, Starbucks
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Yeah, I was thinking more of a twelve-yarder.

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NG, it's a good plan, and doable. With work right now, I'd have to break it up into small chunks, but in a couple of weeks I'd be able to take time off work to do it, and maybe reward the kids and me with a little mini-vacation to boot. I'm supposed to be working on my online classes right now but as a champion procrastinator, I keep managing to find ways to distract myself. smile

Biggest problem area is the garage, and that's primarily broken's stuff (anybody in the market for a pool table???) and the kids' rooms. I have a tendency to become a pack rat and managed to accumulate a lot of extra stuff from my grandma's estate that I'd planned to sell...sold a few things on ebay and then kinda pooped out. Dontating/tossing will be much less work. I watched two episodes of "Hoarders" last night and it made me want to clean out my house! My grandma and my dad weren't quite that bad, but they were bad enough. Mom and I had planned to call someone she knows that buys contents of estates primarily because we have a ton of stuff stored in my uncle's barn from my grandma's...I can just add the junk I have to that.

HHH, you made me laugh...but what you said was true. That's pretty much why I don't post about my sitch anymore. I don't talk to anyone about it IRL either. Same advice. broken was over yesterday, we had an ice storm - he'd picked the kids up from school and fixed dinner. The roads were really bad, and I kind of wondered if he'd just stay the night, but after dinner he took off. Kinda puts things in perspective when someone wants to get away from you bad enough that they'd put their life at risk to do it, huh?


FWW

"Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough." ~ Earl Wilson
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...but in a couple of weeks I'd be able to take time off work to do it...

Most excellent! Now, while you're thinking of it, call the carting company and schedule the bin drop-off. And I'll be in NC the weekend of 15 - 17 March, if you want another pair of hands!

(Oooops, let me go a POJA that in a hurry!)

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lol NG...better POJA that! smile

On my list for the weekend: cleaning out the clothes and shoes from the girls' closets that they have outgrown. Take them to consignment sale. Whatever doesn't sell gets donated to charity.

Read this today and wanted to repost it here, just so I can refer back to it later and remind myself:

Originally Posted By: When Youre Pretending to Be Fine: 9 Tips to Deal and Heal
Our strength grows out of our weaknesses. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

I never thought Id want to kill myself.

All my life, Id been a strong, independent woman, building a business from home, raising two wonderful sons, and staying happy and positive throughout.

If youd told me Id one day consider taking my own life, Id have laughed and said, Youve got me confused with someone else!

But after twenty years and two sons together, my husband and I decided to split up.

So what? Separation and divorce are commonplace. You just cope with it like everyone else. I was strong, so not coping would mean I was weak.

But it hurt and hurt and hurt. And eventually I just wanted to stop. I couldnt put my boys through that, but I couldnt see another way out. So, while pretending to everyone that I was fine, I thought about it. Seriously.

What Do You Pretend?
Coping with everything life throws at you is tough.

Juggling all your different roles, trying to be all things to all people, and shoehorning so much into every day.

You and your needs arent even worth a mention on your very long to-do list.

You feel guilty and inadequate and worry that someday all those plates youre spinning will come crashing down. Youre an amazing somebody who often feels like an invisible and overwhelmed nobody. Feeling lost and alone, living in silent despair.

Not always much fun being a grown-up, is it?

Youre not alone, you know.

From the outside, others seem to be holding it all together. Just like you. Just like me.

Have you thought that perhaps sometimes theyre not coping either? That maybe, just like you, theyre not perfect?

Pretending to cope comes at a price.

Id also fallen out of love with my first home-based business, so my marriage to my best friend was over, and my future was gone.

Our joint, shameful debt took me months to resolve, was a debilitating hell, and meant we had to live a lie under the same roof for eight months, sharing our bed in cold silence for the first four as we pretended to our young teenage sons that all was normal.

I felt sick when I awoke to the conversation wed been dreading: telling the boys that Mom and Dad were splitting up. A parents supposed to make things better, not worse. As I tore their world apart, it broke my heart.

When we did separate, my expenses escalated while my income sank. And when my boys went to stay at their fathers, nothing could stop the overwhelming loneliness from driving me into the ground. So I put my head down and worked. It kept me sane a little longer.

Something had died, but instead of grieving, I pretended I was coping.

My even busier life was now a nightmare, yet I was barely functioning and I didnt recognize myself anymore: lethargic, hollow, lost, ashamed, and desperately lonely. Feeling weak and pathetic because I couldnt cope on my own without a man around. A failure.

I started to unravel.

I wanted to run away rather than face the misery ahead, so I escaped to bed to shorten the days. Cooking for one underlined my loneliness, so I didnt bother, and for a while I comforted myself with alcohol, as the health implications were no longer important.

And thats when I thought of making it all stop. To stop feeling miserably unhappy. To stop crying every day. I wasnt miserable when I slept, so why not just keep sleeping? It made perfect sense.

But the damage to my boys forced me to keep my comforting escape route a secret.

Then came the anxiety attacks, and twelve months after our painful decision, I was diagnosed with a stress-related facial skin disease and depression.

When all seems lost, theres still a way forward.

If you are, or feel you might be, depressed, take comfort and pride from Dr. Tim Cantophers words from his book Depressive Illness: The Curse of The Strong:

You are wrong in thinking you are weak and should be ashamed of having this illness, you have got it because you are strong a weak, cynical or lazy person faced with difficulties will quickly give up, so would never get depressed enough to become ill.

I cant solve your issues here, but if youre struggling and pretending, Id like to help you take that all-important first step so you can start to look after you.

1. Be honest.
Pretend and, at some point, the problem and the pain will surface ten-fold. If youre not coping, admit to yourself that youre not. This shows great strength.

2. Ask for help.
This isnt a sign of weakness. Are others weak for coming to you for help? Why should you be different? Tell those who care about you that youre not coping. Dont struggle in silence.

3. Talk openly.
When youve asked for help, share your feelings with someone you know and love who will listen without judgement or advice, or with a trained counselor.

Talking about how you feel and having someone listen can feel self-indulgent at first, but its a huge part of the healing process.

4. Learn to say no more often.
Maybe saying yes to everything and everyone makes you feel superhuman. But superheroes are works of fiction, and you dont possess special powers.

When youre saying yes to everything, who and what are you saying no to?

Try to do less things better rather than taking on so much that you beat yourself up for what you dont achieve.

5. Rejoice and reward yourself for your achievements.
If you berate yourself for what you get wrong, then surely you have to take responsibility and take credit when you do something well.

6. Accept that perfection is impossible.
In a world of self-help and personal development, were bombarded with advice about always being positive and successful, and striving to be the best.

Strive to be the best that you can be, and be a realist. Just like me, youre imperfect, youre weak sometimes, you make mistakes, and youre a work in progress.

Strive to be happy. Accept your weaknesses and youll be stronger for it.

7. Make time for you.
You fulfill many roles: parent, partner, businessperson, child, sibling, friend. Dont lose sight of your needs and being you.

Give yourself permission to take time out for you and put you back on your to-do list. Youll be more effective and happier in your other roles.

8. Start putting yourself first.
Its not selfish. Youre important and you deserve better. So once youre back on that list, work on moving yourself further up.

To look after others, you first have to look after yourself. The in-flight emergency procedure tells you to put on your own oxygen mask first, before you help others with theirs.

9. Stop comparing yourself to others.
Id wager that most people feel inadequate and overwhelmed.

Just as others have no idea whats going on in your life, you have no idea whats really going on in theirs, so it serves no positive purpose to compare yourself and worry about what others are doing. Youre unique. You can only be you. Chances are theyre probably comparing themselves to you!

Moving Forward
Over time the medication helped lighten my mood, and I could look a little beyond my despair. If I was going to keep living, I didnt want to spend it wishing I were dead. The counseling gave me time and space to stop pretending, talk honestly, and grieve.

While still battling depression, Im now cooking healthy meals again and laughing far more than I have in years. Ive enrolled at a gym and am taking time for me. Ive qualified as a Life Coach and set up a blog and online business.

Im still here to love and look after my boys.

Ive learned to stop comparing myself to others who I dont even know, and thats its okayno, its necessaryto express rather than bury my feelings, to admit when Im not coping, and to embrace my weaknesses.

Every day, the baby steps Im taking for me, just me, add up. Im miles away from where I was.

You can move ahead too.

Youre not weak for wanting to run away. Youre strong for having the guts to admit it.

Decide to stop the unhealthy pretenses. Be proud of who you are and what you achieve each day. Set time aside for you. Everything and everyone else can wait a while.


Original here.


FWW

"Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough." ~ Earl Wilson
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Thank you for posting that, wulffpack girl. I am going to go print that out so I can read it a few more times. I often struggle with depression myself. Many IRL wouldn't know that as I keep on coping and enduring with a smile on my face.

Anyway, thanks for sharing.

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**edit**

Last edited by Fireproof; 02/11/13 08:34 AM. Reason: TOS non Marriage Builders material

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Hey, Wullfie,

A big hug , just because!

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Originally Posted By: Rocketqueen
Thank you for posting that, wulffpack girl. I am going to go print that out so I can read it a few more times. I often struggle with depression myself. Many IRL wouldn't know that as I keep on coping and enduring with a smile on my face.

Anyway, thanks for sharing.


Heya Wulfie I can get in on this too.

As you know I came here also at the end of my rope because my battle was over with my late wife..

All forms of encouragement for all of us are welcome..Thank you..

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Random post:

I have apparently attracted an admirer. I am not sure how, as I have certainly not been trying to do so. I attended a ceremony last week (at work) and sat next to this guy. Don't recall speaking or introducing myself, and I actually had to get up and leave during the ceremony due to a work issue. This individual works for the same agency I do, but in another division and another location (we have thousands of employees all over the state). Apparently he asked someone who I was and has emailed me through work saying it was nice to meet me, that he sat next to me at the ceremony. I didn't think anything of it and responded "it was nice to meet you too" as typically I meet a number of people through work, but now he's emailed again (twice!) apologizing first for contacting me through work but he didn't know how else to get in touch with me (well, duh, maybe I don't want random people getting in touch w/me) and again to apologize if it was "wierd" but that he'd like to talk to me. Haven't responded to either of the latter messages.

How do you politely discourage this sort of thing? #1, I am still married, #2, admiration from random guys now has the effect of creeping me out, #3, I can't imagine being interested in anyone else. Had this happen a couple months back with someone I did not know on FB who sent me a message, and I just blocked them without responding. Would you just ignore it, or respond with something business-related, like "Let me know if you have any work-related questions we can assist you with" etc? Apparently I am attractive to stalkers. Perhaps I exude some strange vibes, like a wounded bird.


FWW

"Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough." ~ Earl Wilson
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WPG, there is a bit of genetically-imbued instinct that is at work here, so don't lower the boom on lover-boy too hard. Males finding females and pursuing them goes back to....well, even to when I was young enough to chase 'em!

Simply give him the straight story - you are a married mother of two children, and do not believe in having non-work-related e-mail discussion with men.

There - done! Of course, you are allowed (encouraged?) to put that little private thought into your self-image folder: Wulffie, you still got it!

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Lets face it, WPG, single-ness is not a factor when the spark is sparked or'se what would we have to talk about over here?

However, in the bigger picture is you. Your preferred mate is keeping you in a pergatory of your creation despite your best efforts for forgivness.

Sure, the BS holds the cards, but for how long do you have wait for him to deal them? You sat at the table, ante'd up, and been tapping your fingers for a while now. You asked him to come home and let you be the wife for, but a short period of weakness and colossal error , you were. Or, let you go by divorce so you both can move on.

Im far from an expert on MB, but you tried extremely hard to win him back and make amends only to be rebuffed. Is this what the Dr would suggest of you? To live a semi-life? I'll gladly accept it if Im way off MB-base by this train of thought. Wouldnt be the first time.

You have gentlemen callers knocking on your door. With your expertise in relationships learned from here, you, sister, are a catch. Life is short and we are only getting older, you deserve happiness now. You kids deserve your happiness now.

Sorry if this not what you asked but as a BH, I would never keep my wife in the place you've been for too long now. Either s--- or get off the pot, as it were.


Last edited by MikeStillSmiling; 03/06/13 01:50 PM. Reason: Your, not you're.

Life keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the fuuuu-ture.
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Wulffie, I guess I should apologize.

On that other thread, I referenced your case, you showed up to speak to the issues, and a human-tape-worm attacked you unnecessarily, and gratuitously.

As they say, "No good deed goes unpunished," but I wish it could be otherwise.

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(((WPG)))

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It's all good, no harm, no foul!

The issue I referenced on that other thread was 20 years ago. Road had a point, though, b/c my unwillingness to expose my friend cheating on her boyfriend would have been a red flag if broken had been looking for it. We were young and both of us rather inexperienced with "adult" relationships...I was 21 years old when I met broken and I had so much growing up to do. I didn't get everything right at 21 and I don't get everything right at 41. And I probably won't get everything right at 61, either...but the point is I learned from my mistakes, although some of them took time to sink in.

Took care of the admirer issue, BTW, did just that - my first email was a reply saying I would be glad to assist with any inquiry on work-related issues, to which he responded that nooo, he did not have a work-related issue. My response was then "I am married, so any non work related conversation wouldn't be appropriate."

As Mike pointed out, with the whole "poo or get off the pot" - I'm the one who needs to make up my mind to poo or get off the pot at this point. smile I can't control broken's actions and need to stop allowing this situation to control me and sitting like a vegetable in a state of inaction. I just want it to be easy, but it's not going to get any easier the longer I persist in maintaining the status quo, it just is what it is. I don't want this to become what V has (and V, if you are reading, I don't want that for you, either hug )


FWW

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I certainly do not want to be held accountable today for all the stupid crap I did in my 20's. I was flying a big RED redflag FLAG from the top of my head.

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Been following your thread WPG. Wish you the best and pray that your husband opens his eyes and remember that people make mistakes. Whenever my WW wakes up out her foggy madness may I solicit your help in defogging her.

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WPG - I read your comments about how not choosing is a choice. Thank you for that.

Life is like that, is it not?
I had a GI disease the majority of my adult life. For most of those decades, my symptoms were manageable with medication. Gradually, the symptoms worsened and the medications had little or no effect. This is 'normal' for that particular disease over the course of 3-4 decades. Things became very dire. The "new" meds were in the form of powerful chemo-therapy level IV infusion drugs ... all with very frightening potential side effects .... and the side effects started happening.
There, at age 62 was my 2 choice dilemma. Face a lifetime of risks with those awful drugs, and their side effects? (some lethal) Knowing that my physician told me that cancer was a "when" situation, not an "if" situation. He said "You will probably have colon cancer within 5 years."
Choice #2 .... face 2 very serious surgeries and the risks/discomfort inherent with that choice?

Who wants that choice? No one.
I had to dig deep. I had to pray.
I had to be honest with myself and honest with my H.
Not choosing is a choice. Not a healthy choice, but a choice.

Thinking of you .... as I enjoy my new & different & unusual body and my return to better health.

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