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#2423092 09/01/10 08:35 AM
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Hi all, as MB saved my sanity and my self esteem I thought I'd outline my story. I got so much from this site and others stories that I though it only fair to give something back. Apologies for the long post, you know what it is like.

Living together 17 years, married 9, both 45. My W stays at home, not our decision but hers and something that has caused resentment in the past. I work long hours and bring in a reasonable wage but it's hard financially. One grown up daughter who lives with us.

About 6 months ago my W started on FaceBook (the bane of many a marriage) and I thought nothing of it, even welcomed it as she doesn't go out much and was having a great time connecting to friends in England where we used to live, as well as old school friends here in Ireland. She would occasionaly show me some of the images of people she had reconnected with so I had no fears. Like most BS I thought my wife was affair proof. Among the profiles she showed me was a man who was a friend of her elder brothers 25 years ago and she showed me some of his fishing photos (a hobby of mine) and I gladly identified the fish and what type of angler he was. He was now married with kids and living in the UK. I now know why she showed me (and it won't be any suprise to older hands here on MB what is coming next).

One month ago, on a Sunday morning, she told she was going to meet up with this man (the OP) for a drink as he was over for a visit to Ireland. She then proceeding to "dress up". Alarm bells and claxons went off in my head but I decided to be calm and trusting, to the extent that I even drove her down to the pub where they were meeting up. At home I started to wonder why she had not even invited me in to meet him, and why she had only told me an hour beforehand. I watched her body language over the next week and noticed a distance, a new haircut, new clothes. She had planned to go to England for a week to meet up with old friend (nothing unusual in that) and said that the clothes and haircut were for that.

One week later, 2 days before she was going away, my suspicions got the better of me and so, for the first time ever, I logged on to her FB account. The password was on auto login, to this day I don't know why she was so stupid to do this. Someone here on MB described the moment as an Emotional Heart Attack and I can't think of a better way to describe it. There were messages going back 3 months, outlining an EA. Full of passion and zing and an eloquence I didn't know my W possessed. The real stab in the heart were the messages after they had met f2f the week before. The physical meeting had kicked the EA up a gear and revealed a plan to meet up for a day the following week in England for a PA. They were full of what they were going to do with each other in too much graphic detail for me to handle. I packed a bag and left for a hotel for 2 days where I fell to pieces, completely.

In the hotel I set up a FB account and messaged the OP threatening exposure. My WW texted me threatening and pleading me not to expose. And then a friend rang me, one I can trust, to tell me that there was bad blood between the OPWs family and my WWs family going back 25 years and that exposure would result in a very real chance of physical violence (I've since had this confirmed).

I wish I had found this site at that time but I didn't. I went home and pleaded for explanations, demanded answers, ranted, cried, alost every LB imaginable. WW was still insisting that she was going to go away as planned but wasn't going to see him. I threatened consequences (divorce) if she went. The day before she was planning to go, in the morning while she was in the shower, I looked at her phone messages. The inbox was empty but the sent items was not and she had been texting him the night before on how they were still going to meet and how she needed to get away from me. I flipped, confronted her, left the house with her phone and rang the OP. He tried bargaining, pleading, everything imaginable until I told him his address, post code, year he brought his house, etc (thank you internet). That shut him up.

The WW still went to London and while she was away I found this place - thank you all so much. What you all have written, the advice you have given, the encouragement, humour, for all of it I thank you. I live in her country, not mine, so I have few friens that are not connected to her. She came back to me in Plan A, Credit cards changed, snooping in full (invisible) flow, and a letter for her informing her of the need for NC along with my feelings and a recognition of my own role in the rut our marriage had become. I know they didn't meet. I asked her in the letter to talk to me about NC but she went ahead and did it herself (though it was half hearted and left the door open to him) and he hasn't been in contact. I also know that she is very annoyed I upset her plans to meet him.

I'm now nearly three weeks into Plan A. It's not easy but there are two realisations I want to share with others that are in this situation.

1. The beauty of Plan A is that it is a Plan. It gives you a path, direction in the morass of confusion, direction when your mental compass is spinning wildly.

2. Plan A is for me first, my marriage second, and her last. Though emotionally still in turmoil, I feel better about my myself, am physically fitter and slimmer, have changed most of my bad habits. This was important for me. I am a BH, and because of how society tells us relationships work and traditional gender inculturation, BHs have to get over the damage to our self esteem of being a cuckold. I am not in any way dimishing the impact of EA and PA on BWs, I'm sure there are similar gender specific hurts on top of the already painful ones of betrayal.

Currently, she's in the fog (thanks to MB I know what this means) but there are signs that Plan A is working. I continue to snoop and, while I find things that are hurtful, there is nothing about the A continuing, though I continue to watch. I now know a lot about Aliens and their fog. As for me, I'm using Plan A to decide if I want to stay with her at all. I am wholehearted in Plan A, after all it is giving our M a chance so if it does end I will know I did everything I could.

So, if you are new to this like me I offer you my deepest sympathies and best wishes. Read, act, do, take control, man up. You have nothing to lose by following the advice here and a lot to gain.

Esox

ps I'm expecting to be told off about the exposure thing, it's a tricky one.

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Originally Posted by EsoxIreland
ps I'm expecting to be told off about the exposure thing, it's a tricky one.


As long as you are prepared for some 2x4's laugh

Exposure is the FIRST step on recovering your marriage.

My husband wheels never exposed my first EA and 2 months later I found someone else. Wheels luckily found this site and exposed my affairs.

If you do not expose then you will be in a false recovery.

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And the first 2x4 goes to ... SapphireReturns laugh (and not the last I suspect).

There has been exposure to our daughter and WWs brother who are on her case. I can't risk physical violence against us (a very real threat in this case) so stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm aware this is shielding her from consequences and I am on a tricky path. I feel I've done what I can at this time.


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Last edited by EsoxIreland; 09/01/10 08:55 AM.
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Who actually told you about the violence?

If you are afraid then get a restraining order for that person.

Because exposure is your only step on recovering, with out...be prepared to be in a false recovery.

What are your plans now?

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My knowledge of the real possibility of violence comes from my knowledge of her family history (the causes of a rift between the OPWs family and my WW 20+ years ago) and the OPWs family itself (renowned for sorting problems through violence). This is bolstered by two independent friends who know both families well.
Currently I'm snooping and while there has been no contact at all, I can see from her communications to friends that she is in the classic fog mindset (want excitement, he's controlling, I need to live and breathe freely etc) though this appears to be fading a bit in the last week or two.
I hoping this is withdrawal but am not naive and am keeping an open mind. If I see any further contact I will expose (all is prepared). Unsatisfactory, yes but am at a loss what to do.


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Originally Posted by EsoxIreland
And the first 2x4 goes to ... SapphireReturns laugh (and not the last I suspect).

There has been exposure to our daughter and WWs brother who are on her case. I can't risk physical violence against us (a very real threat in this case) so stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm aware this is shielding her from consequences and I am on a tricky path. I feel I've done what I can at this time.

I'd like to know a little more about this 'violence' thing you've mentioned. Can you give us more detail on why you think someone's life would be threatened if you expose?


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Let me share you another new poster when he was trying to decide if he should expose, he was arguing with us for 2 days...here is what he posted today.....

"What did that take, 2 days? I owe you all a massive apology. I'm sorry and I WAS WRONG.

Then she made a comment about talking to OM on FB until February of next year (apparently she decided this is how long she needs). When I seemed surprised and said I thought it was for 1-2 more weeks, it got ugly and turned into a discussion that just ended (it's 2:30am). Now she is fully talking D, and says she will pursue affair with him if she is D'd, etc. She said again that if he goes, I go. She said smugly that she gets him either way, so she has all the power (meaning if she stays or goes). Then she nicely mentioned that if she stays with me while she talks to him it improves our chances. She also intimated that she is not sure if she could actually physically cheat on me or not (she has always sworn she couldn't).

I feel so stupid. You were all right. I will full expose. She will go ballistic. I admit it, I am scared and weak. I really don't want to do this or go through it. I know you are all right and it is the right thing to do in the long run, but I am already so emotionally drained from working the Carrot of Plan A for 3 months and living in this alone that I just want the comfort of her and I back. I wish I had not said anything tonight so I could've enjoyed one last night - she probably would have cuddled with me. I miss my DW so much (not my WW). My DW shows up sometimes and when she does I realize how very much I miss her. It makes me want to fall apart and do stupid things just to see her once in awhile. I know it's pathetic so please no tough love on this part - I'm just venting feelings. Sometimes its tempting to just keep my mouth shut just to have all those good moments with her.

I will full expose now. We'll see how that interferes with her "I get him either way" attitude. All of a sudden now even getting a D won't get her her fix if OMW and family are watching him like a hawk. On the other hand, she really might D me anyway. She sounded really adamant that she is going to do it either way."


This will happen with you, even if it wont take 2 days, 2 weeks, or 2 months. Either way THIS WILL HAPPEN!!

Start working on plan A, have you read on that yet? If not read it, and also carrot and the stick to plan A.

Good luck.

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Ah, OK. I met my WW 17 years ago just after she left a relationship with a (professionally) violent man involved in criminal activity. His family blamed her for the trouble he was in with the Law (going on the run etc). Here's the rub, the OPW is the niece of that man.
Talk of irony.


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Originally Posted by EsoxIreland
Currently, she's in the fog (thanks to MB I know what this means) but there are signs that Plan A is working. I continue to snoop and, while I find things that are hurtful, there is nothing about the A continuing, though I continue to watch. I now know a lot about Aliens and their fog. As for me, I'm using Plan A to decide if I want to stay with her at all. I am wholehearted in Plan A, after all it is giving our M a chance so if it does end I will know I did everything I could.

Hi Esox! Welcome to Marriage Builders, sorry you are here. frown I am confused about the comment above. If the affair is over then what are you finding that is "hurtful?" Has she ended all contact with the OM?

Who is the OM? Is he married and if so, has his wife been informed of the affair?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by SapphireReturns
Let me share you another new poster when he was trying to decide if he should expose, he was arguing with us for 2 days...here is what he posted today.....

[i]"What did that take, 2 days? I owe you all a massive apology. I'm sorry and I WAS WRONG.

Thanks Sapph, I'd read that thread. I know, I know, but this is caught up in a horrible family setup.

I have read up on Plan A, changed my habits, no LB (except in the early days, none since), spending time. I can see there is more carrot than stick though.


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by EsoxIreland
Currently, she's in the fog (thanks to MB I know what this means) but there are signs that Plan A is working. I continue to snoop and, while I find things that are hurtful, there is nothing about the A continuing, though I continue to watch. I now know a lot about Aliens and their fog. As for me, I'm using Plan A to decide if I want to stay with her at all. I am wholehearted in Plan A, after all it is giving our M a chance so if it does end I will know I did everything I could.

Hi Esox! Welcome to Marriage Builders, sorry you are here. frown I am confused about the comment above. If the affair is over then what are you finding that is "hurtful?" Has she ended all contact with the OM?

Who is the OM? Is he married and if so, has his wife been informed of the affair?

He is married with 3 or 4 children and no, for the reasons outlined above, I haven't exposed to OPW.
The hurtful comments are things like her chatting to a friend online and saying she has no regrets about her EA, the only regret being I messed up her opportunity to advance it to a PA.


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Originally Posted by EsoxIreland
He is married with 3 or 4 children and no, for the reasons outlined above, I haven't exposed to OPW


Your job now is to expose, and the first person you need to expose this to is the OMW.

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Originally Posted by EsoxIreland
Ah, OK. I met my WW 17 years ago just after she left a relationship with a (professionally) violent man involved in criminal activity. His family blamed her for the trouble he was in with the Law (going on the run etc). Here's the rub, the OPW is the niece of that man.
Talk of irony.
EI,

You're still being too vague and mysterious. Why not spell things out clearly?

Who is going to attack whom in this situation? Is this ex-boyfriend (or is it her ex-husband?) going to beat up your wife for her adultery in his niece's marriage?


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Aplogies if I'm not clear on this, I actually didn't intend to share this part of it.

The OPWs family have held a grudge against my WW for near on 20 years to the extent that my WW and the OP even discussed (in their FB messages) the repercussions of what would happen if anyone found out (i.e. my WW would have to leave the country). In fact this danger only seemed to make the EA more exciting IMO. The ex-boyfriend from that time is no longer around, rather it is the OPWs family (brothers) who are to be worried about as a) they know my wife and b) would like nothing better than to have an excuse to right a perceived wrong from many years ago.

I am not being dramatic here. If the OPWs family find out that the OP was having any kind of affair with my WW they would go ballistic and that would more than likely take the form of violence against him and my WW.

Last edited by EsoxIreland; 09/01/10 09:41 AM.

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Originally Posted by EsoxIreland
Ah, OK. I met my WW 17 years ago just after she left a relationship with a (professionally) violent man involved in criminal activity. His family blamed her for the trouble he was in with the Law (going on the run etc). Here's the rub, the OPW is the niece of that man.
Talk of irony.

Uh-huh. So what you're saying here is that your WW is chasing the husband of her ex's niece, correct? The same ex whose family has bad memories of your WW and blames her for her ex's criminal troubles?? And you don't think this is dangerous for your WW????

Esox, if this is the case, that you feel this family/ex is dangerous, then the real and present danger is against your WW if she continues to pursue this guy! Do you see this??

You may want to consider legal advice for this situation. But if you are unwilling/unable to expose, I would suggest you pack up your family (including your WW, who may be in danger) and immediately high-tail it to a safe place. Don't tell anyone where you are going and don't give your WW access to any communications devices.


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Quote
She said again that if he goes, I go. She said smugly that she gets him either way, so she has all the power (meaning if she stays or goes).

Waywards always think that the betrayed spouse will put up with anything just to keep them around, so why should they stop the fun of the affair?

Plan B yanks the rug out from under this real fast. That's one reason why it's so important.


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Originally Posted by maritalbliss
Originally Posted by EsoxIreland
Ah, OK. I met my WW 17 years ago just after she left a relationship with a (professionally) violent man involved in criminal activity. His family blamed her for the trouble he was in with the Law (going on the run etc). Here's the rub, the OPW is the niece of that man.
Talk of irony.

Uh-huh. So what you're saying here is that your WW is chasing the husband of her ex's niece, correct? The same ex whose family has bad memories of your WW and blames her for her ex's criminal troubles?? And you don't think this is dangerous for your WW????

Esox, if this is the case, that you feel this family/ex is dangerous, then the real and present danger is against your WW if she continues to pursue this guy! Do you see this??

You may want to consider legal advice for this situation. But if you are unwilling/unable to expose, I would suggest you pack up your family (including your WW, who may be in danger) and immediately high-tail it to a safe place. Don't tell anyone where you are going and don't give your WW access to any communications devices.

You see my dilemma. I cannot expose to the OPW which is hindering my Plan A. ATM there is no contact between them, he appears to have been freaked out when I quoted his full address and contact details of his wife to him down the phone. I "think" the risk of exposure has killed the EA but I cannot go through with full exposure. My WW has not contacted him since she came back from England (though she had done a little of looking up photos of him) and he is silent.
To my knowledge he is under no suspicion at home so all I can hope is that it stays that way.
These weird circumstances are what I have lived with for the last month, all I can hope is that the seriousness of the potential consequences has done enough to stop the A.
BTW, for clarity it is the OPWs family that are the risk, not the ex.


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Originally Posted by EsoxIreland
I am not being dramatic here. If the OPWs family find out that the OP was having any kind of affair with my WW they would go ballistic and that would more than likely take the form of violence against him and my WW.

You are making a huge mistake by not exposing it and let me explain why. You are kidding yourself if you think she won't find out. They always do. It might be 2 weeks or 1 year, but she will find out. It is the very rare betrayed wife who does not sense something wrong and start sleuthing.

If there is violence, it is much likely to happen when she finds out on her own versus finding out from you. If you tell her, then you have a chance to keep a lid on it and persuade her and her family to do nothing.

Keeping this a secret like this only ensures the affair will continue. That door is always open this way. Cheaters are very sloppy and IT WILL COME OUT.

By exposing the affair to the OMW yourself, you effectively put an end to the affair AND you have some control over backlash.

Keeping it secret is the greater risk, because you will have no control when it comes out and your secrecy greatly increases the risk of resumption.

And lastly, protecting your wife from the consequences of her actions is harmful to her and your marriage. What will be next if she doesn't learn from her mistakes? You are not helping her or anyone else by protecting her from the consequences of her actions. How insane is it to purposely RISK violence by messing with a married man? That is downright certifiable. If that type of risky behavior is not corrected, what is your future?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by SugarCane
Who is going to attack whom in this situation? Is this ex-boyfriend (or is it her ex-husband?) going to beat up your wife for her adultery in his niece's marriage?
You see, I doubt that your wife fears an attack from her ex. If she really knew that he would attack her for hurting a member of his family, she would never have got involved with that family at all.

It's funny that her fear of attack did not keep her from making an attack more likely. It is odd that she did not fear violence enough to avoid an affair, but fears it now that you know about it.

I think that she set her (your) friends up to contact you about this possible violence. How odd that they should both ring you to tell you not to expose because of it. That is not normally what friends would do. Your wife arranged this with them.

I speak as a BW who was duped by the suicide emails from my H's OW to him, when my H finally gave up his job which involved travel to Belgium, where she lives. When she realised that my H was not even going to keep her as the bit on the side that she had been for 3.5 years, she wrote to him with her suicide plans. in these notes, she told him that her H had found out and was kicking her out of the house. Belgium is a "fault" country, she said (which is not true; it is "no fault", which means an equal split of the marital assets on divorce) and she was at the point of losing her lovely 5 bedroomed home, holiday home, pension share, maintenance and three cars, and she was being disowned by her children (18 and 21).

When the EA continued for another 6 months after my H stopped travelling, I finally found these forums and contacted her H to tell him that despite his obvious wish to keep his marriage together (since he had not thrown her out, as she said he would) his wife was still contacting my H on the phone at work. I decided that the suicide risk had gone down, and I could see from these forums that exposure to her H was the only way to end her secretive involvement in my marriage.

That's when I discovered that her H had never known anything about the affair. The stories of kicking her out, losing assets etc were all invented to keep up the pressure on my H. OW was convinced that as our kids were growing older, all H needed was a little pressure to leave me for her.

You've been had, mate, just as I was.


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MelodyLane, you're right. The door is left open either for the OP or a new OP but it's hard to bring the risk of violence onto my own family.

Sugarcane, it's a possibility but I trust my sources on this one (especially as one source was from their "secret messages" and another from a friend who doesn't know about the A)


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