Take it! That is a sweet deal!

Alternative : you still end up with a exWW and a crappy deal!

Igrip HI,

Just was thinking of you at this time.

I'm sure that you have plenty of sources to consult at this time as you are at this crossroad. Please don't forget that you have plenty of resources in the caring people here as you work your way forward.

Just take care.

Tom

Thank you Tom, MrWondering and all the others still helping on my thread of my life.

This past weekend, wife stayed in her new place (she says) so I had lots of time with our daughter. Sunday, Monday all day and Tuesday until wife came home around 4:30. Daughter and I were cleaning door in garage and after about 5 minutes, wife got pissy saying she was leaving again since baby wasn't paying any attention to her.

I looked at her and did not say a word. She came back complaining about how "i was distracting her, blah blah blah" and I just told her that 'if her plan goes through" to which she said 'oh, it will' then I ignored that and told her to 'get used to it because we will be sharing our time forever with daughter.' She came back a few minutes later, apologized for her behavior.

She went next door to her moms house and came back STEAMING mad. I asked what was wrong (should not have, perhaps) and she spouted out about how my 'years of conditioning about white lies caused her and her mom to get into it.' I responded "so now you are saying I made you tell your mom lies" to which she repeated her 'conditioned from years with me.' I told her that I was responsible for my own actions, not blaming others. She said "well, you were not like that before.' She then said "I don't want to be here.' I told her she was free to go...she said 'not a chance.' I went and made dinner - stayed calm throughout...then asked if she was staying for dinner. She said 'if you don't mind.' I told her I would like it if she stayed for every dinner if she wanted to be here and left it at that.

She texted later that night and said - 'better - sorry.' She did not come out of the guest room that night.

Today, not many words exchanged. She wanted to use the truck to 'move some more of her things.' I came home tonight and the guest room bed is gone and the guest room closet is empty. Yuck. It is really hard to see 'stuff' disappearing from the house, slowly, but surely.

I did talk to my lawyer and set up an appointment to go over her 'offer.' 50/50 custody still gets child support..I make more, so I will have to pay some regardless. Oh well, this still sucks...but she will be gone all weekend so I get baby again. Next week, when she is finally 'out' will be really tough.

Be aware that as you negotiate 50/50 that there are an odd number of days most years (365) and that YOU want to insure you get that extra day. Unless you negotiate specifically and PROPERLY who gets the tax exemption for your child (which is often overlooked by divorce attorneys), the parent that has them greater than 1/2 the year (183 OVERNIGHTS or more) gets the deduction.

If it comes to this...you'll have to keep detailed records of overnights to insure that you get the deduction. I've seen situations where a dad had about 70% custody and was taking the deduction but when the kids became teenagers all of the sudden, for whatever reason, they spent a lot of nights at his ex-wife's house (as I recall it was more convenient to get to school from)....his ex-wife then TOOK the exemption from him even though the divorce decree said he was supposed to get it that year. According to the decree he was supposed to have it...but the IRS doesn't review decree's. The decree must follow the specific format (declaration) and if it doesn't...the parent of the household the child sleeps at 50%+one day more at gets the deduction.

Remember too...OVERNIGHTS are the key. In "negotiating" any schedule don't be tricked by your wife offering you extra days and awake hours with your child while the child sleeps are her house. Notice I didn't tell you to try to manipulate her with the same trick...because the trick isn't really that effective for a Betrayed Spouse wanting to protect their child from a wayward spouse. You don't want to give up awake hours for overnights....you want at least 50% of each (hopefully 75% awake and at least 51% overnights). Waywards usually are relieved to give up awake hours...when they lawyer up it's all about the money/support.

See this IRS language I cut and pasted below





On another note...your wife is taking a huge risk moving out without having a document done. As you delay you may find her spending less and less of her time fulfilling her oral custody arrangement and if you are able to document such you may end up with a tremendous claim for greater than 50-50 custody.

I've seen other situations (Mortarman comes to mind) whereupon the wife moved out and habitually sluffed off the kids on their BH's. Kids really aren't wayward priorities. There priority is the affair and maintaining the APPEARANCE of decency and respectability. Many actually would walk out on their children if they didn't feel it would reflect badly upon them IN THE EYES OF THEIR OP. Once she's out...and THINKS things are moving forward somewhat amicable and with a 50-50 oral agreement...they get sloppy.

Mortarman also felt that having a temporary 4/3 day rotating 50-50 schedule really assisted him in eventually winning primary custody. Reason being...a rotating schedule was harder for this then WW to maintain. She was in wayward land and unable to maintain a consistent schedule. She'd also have to work some days in the custody schedule and Mortarman stepped in to pick up the slack (which only solidified his custody case later as he documented and documented away).

Anyway...I hope her apartment is dark and lonely.

Mr. W

About the tax deduction, make sure it is written into the settlement agreement so that nothing is left to chance. A common way is to alternate years of having the tax deduction. For me, we have two children so it is agreed that we can each claim one deduction every year.

Unless you are tricky enough to get all the deductions every year.

Just don't negotiate AWAY your deductions if you don't have to or get tricked into giving up 183 nights without knowing what you are doing. She may not even ask for the deductions and just hand them to you unaware by agreeing to 183+ or more overnights without any consideration of tax deductions. But if it's not in the decree...you better have documentation to back up the deduction every year just in case she tries to take it the same year you do (the IRS computers will flag that every time).

Plus...if you make substantially more money and she isn't even making enough to get to the upper tax brackets the deduction is worth a heck of a lot more to you than her. She may not really even care about the deductions at all.

Mr. W

Threadjack...

Schtoop,

Though the alternating year plan is in your settlement ageement/divorce agreement, does the agreement call for the required declaration? If not...the IRS won't care if say, 2010 your two children spend 183 or more overnights with your wife and she takes the deduction for both children. Sure she's violating the divorce decree but that will be little consolation when the IRS catches up to you say 2 years later asking you to justify your taking of the dependent deduction and you lose because you failed to get/attach the required declaration. Interest and penalties will accrue and there is little you'll be able to do other than complain to your ex-wife.

Mr. W

p.s. - besides...it's gotta suck to have to call up your exspouse every year to get them to sign the required declaration??? If they don't/won't sign...you'll have to file a motion to show cause under the divorce decree to force them to. If you can get (or document) 183+ overnights...just take the deduction. Big "if", I know for most fathers.

You're getting very good advice from Mr. W.

You can take advantage of her eagerness to get out of the marriage to arrange a more favorable arrangement for yourself.

What do i recommend?

Take her offer and use the time to document all the times she gives you your DD. Use it as the "temporary" arrangement until custody can be finalized.

Then, document the heck out of everything, logging all the times she leaves your daughter with you instead of taking her when she's supposed to.

The, when the custody hearing comes if she pursued a D (where you can really drag your feet and drag it out) you can show all your documentation of the times you had DD instead of your wife taking her when she was supposed to.

This means you be Mr. Niceguy and take DD whenever your WW offers her.

Mortarman used this very effectively and the WW came to her senses when it became clear that she would lose custody and would have to pay CS.

Affairland suddenly seemed unattractive.

But minimize your interaction with her for your own sanity.

Thank you all..very informative.

The tax deduction was included in her 'offer' that we alternate years for that. But good information nonetheless as I would not have known this.

I can see her 'sluffing' away her time...slowly. For example, she wanted her this afternoon, but texted me saying she has to work late so I get her. I should just document these things then....ok, I see where this is going. Thank you. And I can really foresee when she has to work full time (don't think she will be able to live on $1000 per month of her part time work), I will have her every morning and afternoon just out of default. No matter what 'agreement' or 'plan' she has right?

I spoke to one of my friends who is a former WW and she is clarifying all this and she admits she was also in a 'fog' that did not lift until the OM fantasy shattered two months after her divorce. And she basically said the year of separating, etc....no fog was lifted. Now, she is miserable. I will post some of her wisdom here soon....very enlightening.

So she is pretty officially moved out. She has spent only two days here last week and today, was our daughter's first day there. We will be splitting her now in the evenings as well. Yuck, but I am holding up ok..perhaps I am used to being alone in the evenings for the past 5 months so nothing too new here.

After we get a 'schedule' done with daughter this week, I think I am ready to move to a Plan B. Good right?

I will draft up letter this week. I am not giving up, but am not happy with being lied to, etc..the way I have been treated for the past five months. I love my wife, but not what she has become. Plan B is my only shot now.

Thanks all..and good advice as usual by all.

Igrip,
reading through some of your thread, I think you are doing great. I think it's time to just show her you are accepting her decisions and let her see you are moving on with your life....
don't worry about the contact with OM, let her feel the brunt of her decisions, the realistic ones, not the fantasy ones she has been thinking of....
it's a lot different when she is out there alone and the life and comforts you have felt are no longer available to her......
I bet she will be disappointed in OM and his level of commitment to her in no time, the fog will lift and she will come to her senses....
Write the letter to your wife for Plan B, let things play out and keep an open mind about your future and just see what happens......
Be a great Dad, this is the most important job you have right now.....show your wife you are a great person, she will see it and wonder what she is doing ......
Good Luck........(((hugs)))

Are you prepared to do a pitch black Plan B? No contact at all. Not even contact about your child? You will need to have everything figured out as far as how you are going to exchange your DD so there is no contact. By that I mean, your WW can not see or hear you. Have you figured all of this out yet? Plan B can't be done on a whim if it is to be effective. You need to figure out all of the ins and outs of it beforehand. That way, when you get into Plan B, you can focus on healing yourself. It takes a bit of planning but it is possible to pull off a spectacular Plan B. Do you need any help figuring out what you need to plan? Throw it out there, we will do our best to help you get prepared.

Good points..>Jessi and Scotland. Thank you. I was not totally prepared for a DARK Plan B...but I will get there this week. I believe setting a firm 'daughter' drop off and exchange schedule will help that. This week will help solidify that. Weekends are going to be difficult as we both have events that we do...but I will work on it to make it work.

Circumstances are kicking her behind already today. She had a lawyer appointment today, she has to get her tire fixed (I would usually take care of all car stuff - but not anymore) and then when she was wanting to take our daughter out to the swing for 20 minutes that she had free today, daughter kept on saying 'I want to stay with daddy.' Wife was convinced that I was putting those thoughts in baby's head. Amazing. She is SO frustrated...and therefore frustrating. Does not 'get it' that she can change all this by just committing to working on our marriage. No clue.

Anyway, she mentioned yesterday that her OM had NOTHING to do with this situation...and she believes this. Therefore, since EVERYONE else can see that he has much to do with this situation, if I mention him in the letter, she will automatically 'ignore' from that part on as she does not agree.

Can a letter be formulated without mentioning the OM? Just a 'change' is necessary - transparency, trust, etc...and a willingness to work on marriage? OM can be part of talks of recovery that IF and when the time comes...?? Guidance as I begin to draft the letter please. Thank you again to all....

Sure! If you want a false recovery. OM is the CRUX of the issue in your marriage right now. He is an interloper and and enemy. Your Plan B letter will need to include very specific things that you need in order to even CONSIDER recovery with her, 1st and foremost, that the A ends and that there is NC for LIFE.

ITA with PM. You need to mention him enough to say that she needs to end the affair and have NC with him for life. This is a BASIC requirement for you to even THINK about talking to her.

You don't want to write about OM too much. Have you read the Plan B letter in SAA? How about other people's Plan B letters? Get a rough copy up here for feedback from other MBers.

I am not officially ready for a Plan B being just one week from her moving out, but seems like our communication has dwindled to almost Plan B levels, even by her. I have had baby for 4 nights of the past 7. The times without daughter are rough, but I have been keeping myself busy and occupied. Seems as if wife is not bothered by this situation at all....for example, came home last night and she brought daughter over to me...gave daughter hug and was talking to baby and wife just came over, tried to kiss baby goodnight and left. That is all....I had baby all night and all day today. Wife, whatever she is doing, is not communicating with us barely. Yesterday, texted me a picture of daughter at the museum..which was a nice gesture. I said thank you and she went back to one word text replies.

I feel she has to be feeling something..missing her daughter as well. NO idea what she does all day - and honestly, at this point, does not matter to me. However, she is making all this happen - she could change all if she wanted.

I am praying...daughter is praying daily. Will do another week of this arrangement and then be closer to a Plan B.

Any tips, advice, etc. in the meantime? Doing all I can do right now?

Hi iGrip

Sorry to hear of all the pain you are going through. I find it especially difficult to read your post as I was once, not so long ago, a WW and was so in the fog it was untrue. It makes me realise how terribly I treated my H and was too scared to tell him about my A, he found out in the end.

My H had not heard of MB and without knowing the term Plan B, did this one me. It was horrendous but it was the only way it bought me out of the fog. I was in the fog so much I did not realise that my H was fulfilling some of my needs and the A was a horrible addiction and was in some way an escape from something I was not getting.

I am thinking back to before my H went Plan B, if there is anything he could have done to get me out of the fog without moving to Plan B. I have not read your entire thread as I am at work but have you insisted on doing some counselling first? You could say to her that you want her to be sure that she is doing the right thing and is moving on with her life without regret?

How about writing her a letter to say, I understand if you don't want to be in the M, but you really need to do it because the M is not working not for someone else? You are just jumping from the fying pan into the fire and it is best to make sure you are making the right decision before you jump into a situation you might regret. Try and say some of these things calmy, incontrol and in a caring loving manner.

Good luck iGrip.

Thank you Hitch2007 for your words, advice and concern. Yes, we did counseling, but as MB vets said, it was useless as we were on separate pages (I to save the marriage, her convinced that there was no marriage to be saved). And she is convinced that she was unhappy and is not leaving me for the affair. We all know that is not the case, but she is set in her way.

igrip,

Just make sure you set things up so that you have an intermediary and you can go very dark. Make sure you have a good attorney and don't go easy on her unless she just gives you a great deal. Go dark and she may very well come back once the affair is over. Just look at jslowed's story. The key is to get yourself a good deal if it doesn't work out and go dark as possible to have plan B affect your WW the most.