Hello all, I was wondering if anyone has experience on forgiving the affair partner(ow)? This is something that I know I am going to have to do. I don't want to walk around with anger and resentment forever. Its only been 3 months but I'm tired of tired of her consuming my thoughts. I also know that we all fall short and if God can forgive me for all the rotten things I've done, surely I can forgive her!... But how??

You need to forgive her for yourself, not for her. She is not worth your anger, resentment or time. Don't beat yourself, this is still raw for you. You WILL be able to let it go. Time helps and heals.

For me, although this path is NOT one I'd have chosen for my life, I AM thankful to be the much better person I am today. I know I would not be who I am today if I had not gone through the hard parts. I also appreciate much more how HARD it is for God to forgive us! Having to forgive someone else for a terrible wrong gives you a whole new perspective on that.

Learning2love, it's been about four years for me and I'm still not sure I've forgiven the OW, and I had more than one to forgive! I heard all of the familiar "you do it for yourself" lines and thought them lame, but in the end, it's the truth. Not only because you don't want to hold onto all of the bitterness, but it's for the sake of your ETERNITY. God doesn't suggest we forgive, He demands it of us if we want to be forgiven by Him. As a Christian, I want to please God more than I want to hang onto the anger/pain. Is it easy? NO. I have to WILL myself to release them. I fear each day that God is going to place one of them in my path just to test me!! Fortunately, that hasn't happened as I'm not positive that I'd pass the test! I'm a work in progress as you will be, too. Give yourself time and don't be too hard on yourself. We can't just wave a magic wand and have all thoughts and feelings of unforgiveness disappear. For me, I began just mouthing the words, "I forgive," knowing that God knew my heart and that I wasn't quite "there" yet. But it was a start and that's what He requires. I read a number of books on forgiveness, but only a couple really touched me. I need to dig them out to give you the correct titles, but I'll do so tomorrow. Hang in there. You are VERY early in the process. God bless.

Well, I'll be the odd man out and say I don't think forgivness is required when no repentence is shown. Also, Christ like forgivness is what we strive for but sometimes the wrong is so grievous that as humans we really aren't expected to forgive.I believe the betrayal of adultery (where there is no repentence) falls in that category. However, that is a totally different animal than letting go of anger. She isn't worth your anger-but letting go is a process and you have to be easy on yourself.

I agree that the anger will only eat away at you, so for YOURSELF it's best to let it go. Now, I personally am so far from forgiving that it's not even funny. I would still like to see OW rolled over by a dump truck and then fed to sharks. But, as a wise friend said to me, forgiveness is different from forgetting. Focus on how PATHETIC OW is, that she could do this and be okay with it, and then just keep on doing it! Forgive her because she's so pathetic she's not worth your anger. Forgive her because she has no redeeeming qualities that outweigh all the greatness of your own person. Forgive her because she's so lame she can't even find a man who's not married and because she doesn't have the self dignity to stay away from married men. BUT do NOT forget the wrong she has done you.

Easier said than done, I know. I am still working on this myself.

ITA. I know that God forgives me for not forgiving the OW.

I have been in R for 1 year & 8 months now. It never occurred to me to forgive OW. And I never will. Want to hear something funny? At D-Day she claimed that she was the victim because my H 'led her on' and 'got into her brain'! SHE was the victim, not me!

We joke a lot about the karma bus around here, but it's true - the OP will be struck by the bus eventually.

I only wish I could be front row and center with my box of popcorn when it does. It's nice to see justice meted out.

Am I angry at her? Sure, to a degree. Would I be less angry if I forgave her? No. Because SHE wouldn't get it - she's the victim, remember?

Prisca and I agree with your take on this, and we were having a similar discussion about something else the other day.

We would advocate letting go, but not feeling an obligation to forgive someone who is not repentant.

The most important question in this discussion: is the OW still a presence in your life in any way? If so, that needs to be eliminated.

I agree, run over by a dump truck and then throw them in the shark tank......hehe!!!
I'm not ready for anything like that right now. She hasn't shown any remorse, selfish, narcistic human being.......she could fall off the face of the earth for all I care.........
she knew what she was doing, it wasn't just a mistake, it was a plan........does that deserve my forgiveness, no sir......

I should also add: when their A started heading south, OW started dating all notes and letters my H gave her. She later attempted to imply sexual harassment, using all these dated notes, emails, etc. She and her H attempted to get money from my H's employer that way. Thankfully, the charge was professionally investigated and involved attorneys, so their attempt didn't go anywhere.

Nope. I don't see anything forgiveable with this piece of trash.

Caveat: every sitch has its own personality. I'd like to think, in a perfect world, that the OP falls to their knees at the feet of the BS, begging for forgiveness through their tears. I would be a heartless person to refuse to forgive under those circumstances.

My sitch? Sitting here, waiting for the bus. With my popcorn. She's several states away now, but I like to think a loving God will let me know when her bus arrives.

Agree.

This is such an interesting topic and I must say forgiving OW NEVER entered my mind.
When I first discovered the A, I text and called her telling her we needed to talk as I had questions that only she can answer, she never responded. At this point, she did not know (at least not for sure) that I was now aware of the affair. When she was confronted by her H, she first denied, then went on the attack, accusing him of having had an A, but is now happy cause she got found out first.
She eventually did text me with some rather lewd stuff about my WH's anatomy.
I say all this to ask, does this sound like someone that deserves forgiveness? I think not.
Now, I found some rather lewd pictures that she took in MY kitchen, so I sent them to all the people I had exposed to( a total of 7) now there are those out there, albeit few in number who feel I should not have exposed the pictures, so now they have OW as a victim.
I'm sorry guys, the thought of forgiving OW is not even on my radar. Am I angry? you bet your sweet a$$, she ended up also hurting my DD, because she was someone that DD used to go to for advice if she did not like the advice I gave her, so DD is going through a lot of turmoil.
Forgiveness? NEVER.
Unfortunately, we live in a not too large country, she works at the airport, I just returned from a trip and had to see her, let me tell you this, if she is feeling any remorse, she is doing a helluva job covering it up, she was doing her darndest to get my attention, I did the greatest job of ignoring her, the problem is, seeing her reignited my anger against WH for putting me in this position.

I refuse to forgive anything that cannot discern that they've done anything wrong.

I used to have difficulties with this. Now, not at all.

Learn, are you trying to forgive her because she still works down the street from where you live? Do you see her constantly? Is someone suggesting that you forgive her? Is it a forgive and we can move past this?

You see, I am dealing with an ACTIVE affair so the OW in my sitch is definitely NOT forgivable to me since she continues to act in a selfish way. I don't truly believe that I will forgive her, ever. What I do hope for is that one day, A LONG TIME FROM NOW, that I just go some time without thinking about her. That she becomes MEANINGLESS to me. THAT is it. Even if she redeems herself and changes her ways, it won't matter to me anymore. That's my goal.

NP and scotty are dealing with active A's so forgiveness is not in the cards most likely.

I thought I would never get to the point of even considering forgiveness. However just a few days ago I got a heartfelt apology from OW. It took a lot of weight off my heart and I think forgiveness will be a possibility at some point.

During our FR, I received a seemingly heartfelt apologetic paragraph from OW. I wrote her a simple thank you. It turned out that apology was required by OWH, she did not want to do it, and it took her more than 2 hours to come up with five sentences. To top it off, my H knew all about it.

Forgive this lower than life female. I don't think so. It is taking all my energy to forgive my H, who is very repentent.

AM

Here's how I look at my situation. I don't know if this is forgiveness or not... I just know that I've let go of my anger and bitterness for my own sake.

OW#1 wasted 5 of the best years of her life (Age 25-30) on my WH, a man she could never have. He ultimately dumped her. I don't know if she ever found anyone who could actually be a H to her, but I wouldn't want to be her.

OW#2 threw away her marriage, relationship with her kids to be with a man who's family and kids won't have anything to do with her. I think they're still together, but all they have is their fantasy land. I sure wouldn't want to be her!

WH threw away his loving wife and a day-by-day relationship with his kids, lost his job, his friends, his house, even his freedom for a while. For what? What a waste. Wouldn't want to be him!

Me: what I have is so much more than a marriage with a WH. I have the love, respect and daily interaction with my kids. I have the love and respect of my friends and family. I'm at peace with God and with myself. I've been sucussful at my job beyond my wildest dreams. In short... I'm happy and I LIKE myself.

When I look it it that way it's not too hard to let go.

I agree with you, I am having such a hard time forgiving or even starting to forgive my WH, and he is presenting a picture of being very repentant. I have no energy to waste on trying to forgive OW.
I don'y trust WH, and I would not trust a word that comes out of OW's mouth.

Boy, I was really surprised that no one else supports my "forgive" take when it comes to the OW. And believe me, I have thought and felt the same way as the rest of you...even dreaming up the most sadistic forms of revenge! The women who had affairs with my husband were his employess - one, of twenty years. Why, I'd bought more Christmas presents for her than her own husband! I'd agreed to help her family out financially, even took her and her husband to Hawaii with us on a business trip - paid for by my husband and me! She completely betrayed my daughters and me. But that's not the point. Strictly coming from a Christian perspective, I HAVE to forgive...not that I WANT to.
I mentioned two books on the subject in my earlier post: Choosing Forgiveness by Nancy Leigh DeMoss and Forgiveness by John MacArthur. As Christians we are instructed to forgive WHETHER THE OFFENDER IS REPENTENT OR NOT...whether the person who's wronged us is even still alive, in which case we wouldn't even know if he/she was repentent. Nancy states "... is there a threshold of pain beyond which we are not required to forgive, one perhaps where it is impossible to forgive?...You may not feel any natural 'great love' toward the one who brought such shipwreck into your life - the one who trampled on your marriage vows,or the one who abused you as a child...no one would expect you to. But the power - and the beauty - of the transformed Christian life is that "it is God who works in you both 'to will' and 'to do' for His good pleasure." It will never be the depth of your love that causes you to forgive such heartless acts and attitudes. It will never be within your power to overlook the wicked lies and wild justifications of those who have made you distrustful of just about everybody. It will be - it can only be - the love of Christ transplanted into your believing heart that can exchange your weakness for His strength. And so because He has forgiven us - and because of His boundless life that now indwells us - what offense is too great for us to forgive? "To be a Christian," C.S. Lewis said, "means to forgive the inexcusable, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in us." When it comes to forgiveness, our Lord would not command us to do something that he did not enable us to do. Or that He hasn't done himself...We sometimes feel that when we forgive someone, justice will not be served. They'll get off scot-free...from a human perspective, this makes sense. But our minds need to be renewed to think God's way. According to God's Word, wrongdoers will get their just due. But we're not the ones to mete out the just penalty. When we try to keep someone "on the hook," we're assuming a role that belongs to God alone...what feels like the height of unfairness,what seems to be nothing more than giving our offender the pass, actually becomes a step of freedom for us...if your heart is so bitter or vengeful - if you are being vindictive, obsessed with revenge, inwardly hoping to see their downfall - then you are still holding onto the controls. Even if you bring the offender to justice, you won't experience the freedom God offers. In reality, you are keeping yourself imprisoned by the offender...I am not suggesting that we should shield others at all costs from the consequences of their actions, or just take everything they inflict upon us and sit there doing nothing. I'm saying that their judgment before God is not ours to accelerate...we must remember that their real business is with God. He WILL repay." And Macarthur says, "For a Christian to be WILLFULLY unforgiving is unthinkable. We who have been forgiven by God Himself have no right to withold forgiveness from our fellow sinners. In fact, Scripture plainly commands us to forgive in the same manner as we have received forgiveness...since God commands us to forgive others, refusing to do so is an act of direct disobedience agains Him. (i.e. sin) Forgiveness reflects the character of God. Unforgiveness is therefore ungodly."
With all of this said, I repeat, forgiving the OW isn't something I wanted to do, my beliefs simply require it. And if you're not a Christian, think of it as KARMA. In my own case, the second OW is an alcoholic, has lost her last two jobs and continues to be unemployed, was cheated on by her own husband (go figure - you'd think she'd have known first-hand the trauma she was inflicting on another woman and family) and my husband now has an aneurysm the size of a tangerine!! Even if the offender repents, God STILL DEALS WITH THEIR SIN! They DO NOT get off scot-free!! So, Christian or not, don't spend your life seething in anger and thoughts of revenge - you're just letting those who abused you continue to do so. If you ARE a Christian and believe that holding onto unforgiveness is ok, I hope you'll do some additional study on the issue. I am NOT passing judgment. As I said, I have to WILL myself not to let bitterness and unforgiveness take over each and every day. (and remember, I'm 4 YEARS into this) The devastation of adultery has left me with areas of my life that need more attention. I don't want my H or his OW to cause me to miss out on another day of peace. If I allow that, they/Satan keep "winning," and I, for one, am ready for a little victory. I pray for peace for ALL of us.

You are exactly where I would like to be and I envy that. It is obviously too soon for me but I hope to get there one day. Perhaps my inability to see possible forgiveness of OW is because there is a separate betrayal issue as between she and I, based on the fact that she was supposed to be a "friend".
But I admire your success especially given the fact that there were 2 As. And I am especially intrigued by your situation, in that, you are the first poster that I have seen since I came to this site, who dealt with a 5 year affair( same as mine); the length of this affair is giving me a real difficult time and I would love to hear how you have managed to get where you are.

I am new to MB and come to it through the counselor I've been seeing for almost four years. My husband has recently approached me about reconciling - I filed 3 1/2 years ago but still have not had a court date. I don't know all of the ends and outs of posting on MB yet (i.e. how to link), but to give you a little background on my situation look under forums, then under infidelity, then surviving an affair, and then go back a couple of pages to "could it get any worse?" I'd love to share what I've learned, and believe me, I am only recently in a forgiving way!! It takes time, but I think my situation is unique because of the length of our separation and the number of affairs. Also, the length of the marriage. I've never posted to any other site, so having a way to "vent" with the fellow-betrayed is a great outlet. Even though, as I quickly discovered, not everyone will agree with you!!! Please feel free to ask me anything. I may come across as a religious zealot, but that's not the case...born and raised Methodist, raised my kids the same, thought I had a good faith, but only since D-Day have I truly discovered what a strong faith means. I would have given up long ago without God's presence, support, direction, and comfort throughout. I have done spiritual warfare on a daily basis and unbelievable scale. I never could have imagined a depression so dark and lengthy. I have prayed for my husband every single day, and yes, even on the days when I hated him. Don't know why, and don't know why I felt inclined to do so when others don't, but it's brought me to a place where I can find peace in every day - maybe not happiness just yet, but I'm thankful for peace.