Please don't be offended by what I am about to say here--it's long--but from a left brain thinker
maybe I can share some insight--
--The first year we did not have a single conflict.
TR--Are you SURE there was no conflict--or was it more you were both still in the "I" love you so much I phase--you compromised??
--The first one was a big one. It was when we went to my company’s party and I left her at the dinner table with my colleagues for 5 minutes to say hello to a few people.
TR--Are you sure it was 5 minutes??? And did she know your collegues? You mentioned she's a hairdresser and your engineer--could you imagine the situation in reverse--going to her office party and her walking off leaving you talking to a
host of hair dressers who THINK and COMMUNICATE
the same way your wife does, and how frustrating that would be for you??
--So she left me there with no ride home. That’s when I told her it was over. Big mistake.
TR--A threat because she felt hurt?? hmmmm VERY LOGICAL THINKING!!
You basically told her---I'm going to do what I want, when I want and I don't care how you feel about it--if you don't like it I'm just going to take my toys and go somewhere else and play--and you wonder WHY she was hurt???
--She begged and begged for me not to leave her because she had finally found a good boyfriend with a good family and a good future—not an abusive or manic/depressive one like her past two.
TR--No, it sounds like SHE REALLY LOVES YOU!! And knows that one incident isn't worth throwing marriage away--
--So, I caved in, but waaaaay too late.
TR--You Caved in?? Or you recognized how stupid the threat was--and that she was RIGHT?? and for some reason your pride is getting in the way--
--Since then, she does not act like the needy one for me, but more like she would let me go in a flash.
TR--Good for her--she shouldn't be so needy that she loses HERSELF in you--she's a person--she has her own feelings, her own thoughts, her own wants and needs--just like YOU!!! But the bigger point is--even though she's right--SHE DOESN'T NEED YOU-
She WANTS to be with you!! It's her choice to stay married to you--
--I think it’s a method of coping with being hurt-
TR--I think your right--you tend to hurt less when you know you have a choice to stay or go--
-as if she won’t let herself fall that deeply in love ever again.
TR--This is a disrespectful judgement--how can you presume to know how deeply she loves you??
--She NEVER embraces me and tells me how much she’s in love with me. She does show it in cards, but not much physically. She’s not even close to being as affectionate as I would desire, and I’m really not asking for a lot.--
TR--Okay--so you basing how much SHE loves YOU by how YOU need to be shown your loved--Physical Affection--so if you want to show her you love her--you want the physical affection--
But--on the same token--she shows love the way SHE needs to be shown she's loved--that's why the flowers you bought had such an impact--She feel's loved by you when you take the time to do little things like for her--
What other things does she do for you?? look at those as key indicators of how she feel's loved--
if she cooks dinner for you--has it ready or even almost ready when you get home--then that's an act of love--and maybe you can do the same thing for her sometime--make her dinner--or take her to dinner--show her you love her in way she shows love--
--So, since that 1st big one, we have little arguments every week or two, and really TERRIBLE ones every month or two.--
TR--Maybe because you talk down to her?? And not respectfully?
--As for me, I am good to go the next day--as if nothing happened.
TR--I can see why she stays mad--your acting like nothing happened..when indeed it did--the issue for her was never resolved--and your wanting to go on as if it was--
--Even better, if she were to come over to hug and kiss me or otherwise make up, I would be INSTANTLY cured.
TR--Again--your ignoring there is and was a problem--she's can't--because for her--it was NEVER resolved--
--Unfortunately, she has only done this about two or three times since I met her.
TR--Maybe she felt these were minor issues--and was worth compromising on--
--Normally when I try to make up with her--even by accepting blame for something I had nothing to do with--she won't let me anywhere near her.
TR--Hmmmm Why accept blame for something that had nothing to do with you??? Maybe she just wanted you to listen and not solve the problem--and you were trying to solve the problem and not just listen--so she got frustrated that you weren't LISTENING--
--We got married knowing we still had problems, but you, love is blind.
TR--All marriage's have problems--and will so love was NOT blind--it was acknowledging reality but still saying--I love you even though we have problems--but I know we can work through these issues together--
--Unfortunately, she has not attempted to participate even once.
TR--Are you sure you would say this?? or maybe again you weren't listening because she wasn't speaking YOUR language??
I try to get her to calmly discuss our differences by she does not have the patience to listen.
TR--Again--maybe your not listening to her either
--She often misconstrues things that I can't imagine anyone else taking the same way she did.
TR--Why because the people you work with all think like you do--and she doesn't??
--Yet when I try to explain how I could have never meant what she interpreted, I don't even get so far as to say, "honey, I must have not made myself clear because what I meant was..."
TR--Here your basically telling her--her feelings and thoughts are WRONG!! Not acknowledging that she did infact interpret them this way--
Maybe try something like---"Honey, I'm sorry what I said made you feel or think _____--That was not my intent--let me try to explain--
--Unfortunately, she’s not a right-brained thinker by any means so I have to go to greater lengths to get out some very simple logic.
TR--Disrespectful---Why is it unfortunate she is not a Right Brain thinker??? Unfornate for YOU maybe in that you have to make adjustments in your communication skills--but so does she--in order to comminucate more effectively with you--
But because she see's things from a different perspective than you--doesn't mean she is wrong--
or that she isn't thinking logically--but more that because she is thinking in terms of how it effects EVERYONE emotionally, physically and logically--Logic isn't always logical--because it takes away the "human emotion" factor--
--Even more unfortunately, she does not have the patience required for the long version, and accuses me of being too overwhelming as a result.
TR--She doesn't have the patience or doesn't like to have her opinions and feelings diregarded??
--With my closes friends and family, I can state things clearly using less than half the verbiage.
TR--Again, you speak the same language--
--She has a very short fuse, or at least one with no clear warning. When she loses it, and over things I can’t even imagine, she kicks and throws things and becomes very verbally and sometimes physically abusive.
TR--Yes, I agree she handles these things wrong--
but just because YOU can't imagine what the reason
is--doesn't mean there isn't a reason she's responding this way--maybe she's learned this is the only way to get you to sit down and really listen to what she's saying??
--When arguing, and I normally try to defend myself calmly which she confuses it with apathy—
TR--But do YOU acknowledge HER hurt or act as if she shouldn't be hurt???
--If she insists that she did not say something, and I had proof that she did (say a recording which, frankly, I should start doing) there is NO way she would be willing to let me prove it.
TR--This confuses me--why do you have to insist she did or didn't say something to defend your position??
--She would immediately call me obsessive/compulsive, and too overwhelming even though I am 100% correct and have no other way to prove it. She would say that I have very poor memory or that I’m crazy, but still not let me show evidence otherwise. If she would just be willing to stop, listen, let me finish a sentence, and otherwise cooperate, I wouldn’t seem nearly as compulsive as she thinks I am.
TR--And in many ways--by not acknowledging her feelings your doing the EXACT same thing--the evidence doesn't matter--when it's something she's 'feeling' inside--
--She doesn’t show affection but would claim I am a horrible husband to even think that she isn’t in love with me.
TR--Not horrible but just not recognizing HER love languages--just as she's not understanding yours---
--She said she wouldn’t let my “schizophrenic” mother (which wasn’t very nice) watch our baby.
TR--but is it TRUE??? What has happened in the past that would cause HER to feel this way?? How does your mother treat her?? this may be a key indicator as to how she views your mom--(take off your rose colored glasses when looking at your family)
--She said she wanted to hire someone for daycare service so she could work. I stated I would not allow someone outside our family to raise our child because of many reasons.
TR--I have a HUGE issue with how you said this--
you "WILL NOT ALLOW"??? I'm sorry but again--your not taking HER feelings into consideration--and only looking at what YOU want--this needs to be discussed---why do you feel so strongly about family taking care of your child? would she agree to someone other than YOUR mother who is family taking care of the child??
--Frankly, I don’t understand why a mother who has a husband that can easily provide enough $ for the whole family would want to let a stranger watch her baby.
TR--ACK!!! Again, it may not be an issue about a stranger watching the baby--but more an issue about your MOM watching the baby--maybe she feels your mother would try and take over HER role as mom in the child's life--telling her how to or how not to raise the child--and if an outsider were to watch the baby--it would be less likely the baby would get more attached to them--
So maybe ask her--Honey, what about my mother watching our baby bothers you? can you be specific? and don't disregard her opinions as stupid--or unfounded--they are HERS--and just because you don't agree--doesn't mean she's wrong to feel the way she does--
--Certainly, there is no definite wrong or right here, just strong opinion but nothing that should cause a disaster. Anyway, I said I won’t let it happen and she said it’s not only my decision.
TR--Again, I have a problem with how you responded here--your acting like her feelings don't matter--when they should matter most to you-You married HER--you made a vow to love, honor and cherish her above all others--(including yourself and your family this part of the vow wasn't just about other women)
--I even went so far as to say that I would make whatever arrangements with my work as necessary so that she could work—-even if it meant a reduction in family income.
TR--I can see where she felt the comment was made to cause her to feel guilty---had you left out the comment about the reduction in family income--
it could have worked--but because you threw the income information in there---Here a ticket on the GUILT TRIP train--
--She took this as a guilt trip, and then called me “selfish”. I said if she thinks I’m selfish for willing to give up income and wanting to provide the love and care only a mother or father can give, then she is certainly selfish for wanting to work for her own needs instead of caring for her own baby.--
TR--I can see why she felt it was selfish as well-
again--your only looking at YOUR own WANTS here
and ignoring hers--she doesn't want you to give up your job--just as she doesn't want to give up hers--she wants you to come to a mutually agreeable person--that's not your mother--
--So I try to explain that I absolutely meant no harm or insult to her—that I only have an opinion for good sound reasons that many other people share. But the point of no return had already gotten the best of her.--
TR--And again--maybe she's seeing things about your mother YOUR not seeing--because you love them both for different reasons--so maybe you really should discuss this issue further and not be so adament that this happen--maybe her reasons are JUST as VALID as yours--
---How long is it going to take before she ever loves me again?
TR--What makes you assume that just because she's hurting inside she DOESN'T love you anymore???
Don't you understand that you can argue with someone, hurt inside and still feel love for them?? but hate the situation in which your arguing about--it's NOT about loving you or not loving you--it's about the situation--
--Will she ever be able to put this in the past so it doesn’t leave her to be even more sensitive and more prone to argument?
TR--that depends--will you learn to acknowledge her opinions and feelings as just as valid as yours?? because what you've shared thus far--you haven't acknowledged this at all--
--Or should I just shoot myself (not really)…”
TR--Do you do this alot?? idle or veiled threats??
--I could not believe that an argument of such a nature could lead to this level of catastrophe but I suppose I should have known: I walk on eggshells very often. She would totally disagree.
TR--What level of catastrophe?? that your seeking help??? I would say that's progress--
-- I told her how I didn’t believe the nasty things she said, and that I love her like crazy. That I didn’t mean any harm by being strong headed in my opinion.
TR--This was good--
-- So the question is where is the point at which we can find a balance where we can both be happy and find a way to make things work. How about sometime next week, when we’re both calm, we discuss where that balance is and how we are going to support it.”
---I NEVER said I wanted to work full time and not spend any time with the baby. You make me SICK. There is something SERIOUSLY wrong with you and it scares me.
TR--She may have felt that is what you implied by your statement--she didn't say that--those were YOUR words--and taken as your assumptions--that just because she disagree's that your mother should be the one to watch your child--or even that you should work less--
--Well, I’m starting to believe that the perfect recipe for a marriage is either one dominant and one submissive person, or two submissive persons.
TR--The best is two equally submissive people--and knowing where to give in and where to stand firm--so that you BOTH win--both being submissive to God--and Both being submissive in LOVE to each other--because you want the best for the other person--but you need to take the lead here--and learn to submit first to God--and He will answer your plea for help--
--God help us. Please.