yep, you didn't really say anything i hadn't thought about myself.
but seeing it in writing makes me feel more forgiving. so thanks.

actually, i can relate to the idea of him having to focus more on the job. i do much better w/ 1 clear priority myself.
and i want and need him to do this too....he has not been happy w/ his job/company off and on for over couple years now.
it has caused problems w/ our relationship in the past and feels all too familiar to me.

i think i am mourning how well our relationship had been going before he switched gears <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> .
and fear losing all the progress we have made.

i really don't think we have to do that.....
i guess i just need to readjust my sails and get ready for the trip.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I think you have given the right answer, the problem I think is you don't want to accept it.

You know from experience that when you are patient he will initiate sex and when you listen without trying to fix it, he is receptive, it's just hard for you to be patient and not give advice because it's not in your nature to do these things. So, in a way you are compromising your personality for your husband.

People can learn to be more patient and to listen better without voicing opinions but it takes time to make the change.

It is obvious that things will not get better the way they are.

One stumbling block could be that you don't think you should have to be patient or to stifle what you say, that deep down you feel it is unfair of him to ask this of you.

The getting a life idea is a good one. You may be too focused on him meeting all of your needs.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by nelly:
<strong>you should be able to talk to me about what is really bothering you and i should be able to make you feel better and you can gain strength from that.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A comment and a question.

Comment: it is usually a mistake to use the word "should" as regards marital behavior. Whenever you find yourself thinking this way, change it to "I would like it if" and see if you still feel that way.

If you do, then at least you have focused the discussion on something you want rather than something you think the outside world expects.

If you don't, then you have freed yourself from being prisoner of outside expectations.

Question: which part bothers you more - that he won't / can't talk to you about what bothers him, or that you won't / can't help him feel better?

Can you get comfortable that those are goals to work toward rather than prerequisites? That part of being married is learning to help your partner feel better during stressful times? Rather than expecting that merely because you are married you should automatically be capable of enhancing your partner's strength whenever they need help?

DP

<small>[ January 26, 2004, 01:07 PM: Message edited by: nelly ]</small>

What part bothers me the most??

that he can't/won't talk to me about his feelings?
or that
i don't know what to do to help him.

well, i go back and forth w/ that. over and ever again.

when i posted i was feeling selfish and more bothered by the fact that he wouldn't talk to me about it.
i was feeling selfish and that's why i asked about locking up my taker.....do i have that confused??

all week-end, i went back and forth. right now, i feel more upset that i don't know how i can help him.

i also feel like i do know what i can do....communicate the way he needs me to, be patient and don't LB.
it's just that staying in this frame of mind gets difficult for me.
after a few days of it....and no change from him, i start to feel my needs creeping back and threatening what i know i should do.....what he needs me to do right now.

and i think you know from my other posts, i am scared of isolating himself from me and looking elsewhere to fulfill his SF needs.....and what that might do to my feelings for him. because, lately i am feeling like the higher- drive spouse and i don't like it, especially, if he is
taking care of himself because it's easier and provides him w/something i don't understand.

does that make sense?

Generally your Taker threatens to break out when it is being starved to death....often when your Giver has been giving away too much, or at least when the Taker is afraid the Giver isn't going to get what you need.

Ideally, you keep the Taker from taking over by letting it do it's job...which is negotiating for you to get an adequate amount of your needs met. Deny it its rightful role and it gets harder to handle/

Now, there ARE times when you have to force the Taker back a bit. I don;t think further threatening it with starvation is a good way, however. Asking it to make do with hamburger for a little while, until steak is available...now that may work, esp. if the prospect of better things is not put off indefinietly.

So, why don't you start with a list? List the things that would really make your Taker happy. Then list some things that would go at least part-way towards satisfying the Taker. Pick several that you think might be possible for your H, short-term, and share with him...

Kathi

you always give great, simple advice.
i can understand that.
i can work w/ that.
and i think he will be receptive.

i even have a couple of days to work on the list, since he's out of town.

thanks, kathi. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ January 26, 2004, 04:26 PM: Message edited by: nelly ]</small>

Hi Nelly,

How's your list coming along. I was reading the posts here today, and yours got me thinking.

I've been struggling with my husbands job...and all his traveling he's been having to do. He's gone this week too. ;(

Anyways...I was thinking along the same lines as you, as to how things were really getting good for us, and then he has to leave again. I'm feeling frustrated, because we had the weekend to ourselves...first in a long time....and we spent about 4 hours to our selves without the kids...but the rest kinda in this silent fight.

I felt like we were leaving a lot unsaid, and the nonverbals were so heavy, you could hardly breath.

hey.
thanks for checking in.

it's very hard when they travel for work after a good reconnect time.

i have been thinking about the list, but have not written it out yet.

i think i may have to ask him to commit a couple of lunches a week to me......just to talk about about us and work on our communication. if we can keep that up, there is less chance i will LB and throw him off track altogether.

i think we both have to try to remember.....

"Ask not what your spouse can do for you, but what YOU can do for your spouse." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ January 26, 2004, 08:43 PM: Message edited by: nelly ]</small>

Can I ask what your highest EN was?

sorry, double post.

<small>[ January 27, 2004, 06:08 AM: Message edited by: nelly ]</small>

sorry, i signed off right after that last post.

my hghest EN is H/O....admiration and SF are a close 2nd and 3rd.......and then conversation.

and they are all very close for me...almost intertwined.

how about you?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by nelly:
[QB] it's very hard when they travel for work after a good reconnect time.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, it is. My DH just left Sunday for a trip, after being home for 2 months solid. He'll be gone a week, here 2 days, and then gone another week. Then home a few days and gone another week.

Normally, it isn't that bad...maybe 4-5 days a month. But there are two really heavy travel periods a year, and they each fall after times of no travel....and the adjustment is hard. I think my Taker needs to work on its own list <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

Kathi

I need to take that test again, but from what I have read...I am definately an O/H, communication, then maybe the affection, I would have to say too that mine are all pretty close.

I know that I feel my worst, when I get to spend about 5 minutes on the phone with him during one days time.

i know what you mean.
i need to stay in close contact w/ him to remain feeling "connected".
when i start to feel like i am not a priority....i can take being 2nd or 3rd on his to do list for only so long......i hinders my ability to feel close to him.
it also allows the distrust to creep back.
guess that is something i need to work on about myself.

i agree with that, when i feel disconnected from him, i withdraw a lot.

i am not the happy wife he expects to be waiting by the door when he gets home from work--regardless of how long he has been away. instead i am sad and almost depressed, and you can guess, that my sex drive is really pretty low too.

i can relate to that feeling.

i have a high sex drive......but, it has a huge appetite for attention and intimate conversation.
and,if it's not fed first.....it just doesn't have the same energy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ January 27, 2004, 10:25 AM: Message edited by: nelly ]</small>