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#2428639 09/21/10 12:03 PM
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jal7788 Offline OP
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Thank the good Lord for this forum and Dr. Haley's resources.
I stumbled upon it after going through the worst month of my life (August 2010). Let me tell you my story and please offer your wisdom. Thankfully the good Lord has offered me much hope and wisdom through His Word and prayer but dang it! It still hurts! I know that I must forgive but I'm angry! Reading some of the posts here, I should consider myself very fortunate (and I do) as I read some of the heart breaking stories.

I'm 53 and my WW 48. We've been married 19 years and have 3 DD,17,14 and 9. Life has had it's ups and downs and I thought we had a "good" marriage. Boy, was I in for a shock! My wife had made plans to go to her sister's wedding on her own out of state. It was kind of a family reunion so I had no problem with it.

The week before she flew out, she went out with a female friend to a club. I've never been happy with that situation of her going to clubs but I've always trusted her so I keep my feelings regarding that to myself. That was a Friday and the following Saturday morning she actually initiated LM which hadn't happen in quite a few years. She told what a great time she had and thought I would enjoy it too (they did Salsa dancing).

That Sunday, I took my girls to church as I usually do and she went to work out. Later that afternoon we lounged by the pool and the complex we live. I have to admit, my wife was unusually animated, upbeat. She usually is but looking back, there was a extra spark going on. As the week started, my wife, who just recently went back to work after being a stay at home mom for 17 years, told me she had a business mixer that she had to attend that Thursday and would I be alright with it. Of course, I said. She kept on informing me she didn't really want to go but it was for business. I was in complete agreement that it would be good to go.

That Thursday afternoon, we both took our DD 14 year old to the Doctor as she had a condition that was worrying. Afterwards, I went shopping with WW and the 14 and 9 year old so she could buy a new coat for the "mixer" that night. (Everything was okay with my 14 year old---relief).

She went, came home about 11:30 pm (I was in bed) We breifly spoke about it and went to sleep. The following Friday we were to go out together for a drink as she was leaving for her sister's wedding for a week. Typically, we phone each other a couple of times a day. That Friday, I got her VM and she never returned my call. I finally got a hold of her at about 4:00 pm and she was very evasive about wanting to meet for that drink. I told her, "hey, don't feel obligated, spend the time with the girls as they will miss you as well". (Here I'm thinking we will ML that night)

That night at home was truly the Twlight Zone. She was as cold as ice. It was so bad, I slept in one of my daughter's rooms (she was spending the night at a friend's). Dear reader, I hadn't done that EVER in 19 years of marriage.
The following Saturday morning as she was leaving for her trip, she hovered me as I awoke with a very stern "goodbye". I weakly replied "have a good time". I'm still wondering what is happening here.

Later Saturday and that Sunday, the kids got warm text messages, nothing for me. Well, my red alert went up. I decided to check the cell phone records. I had never done that before with the one exception of monitoring my eldest two years previously. I had forgotton the password. I had text'd my WW for the password under the guise that I wanted to check the 14 year old records. The reply came back that I would have to wait as she didn't have it. Well I knew that was a lie. I called the carrier and reset the password and immedidately checked her usage. I didn't recognize many of the numbers but the one thing that jumped out at me was a text message at 1:30 am after her so called "mixer". I phoned the number at got the OM voice mail and his name. I immediately phoned my WW and asked, so who is (name)? Right away I got a barrage of how unhappy she is and how rotten I am. Very angry with me. She said she just went to dinner with OM and she was not having A as she just met him. And because I found out so easily, she didn't premediate anything.

The next 5 days were hell. Now I am checking the cell phone records constantly and seeing text messages go back and forth between them. I am totally stressed out. My girls see their Dad cry for the first time. They are fully aware of what's happening and try to comfort me saying that Mom wouldn't do such a thing--it must be harmless. I talk to my pastor and have a breakdown. I am in shock.

WW returns early Saturday morning expecting me to be outraged. I am calm and at peace. We talk for hours. I have cried like I've never cried before. She cries too, but tells me she wants a separation. My jaw is so far dropped it hits my feet. She tells me little about OM expect he makes her feel "special". He is 13 years her junior and very successful. I ask "does he know you are married with 3 children". He does but is okay with it.

That weekend we talk, cry, talk. I'm exhausted, she is exhausted. WW agrees that I can "stay" (thank you very much) but she will not NC with OM. My DD 14 year old is furious with Mom. She is also furious with me for allowing it. I tell her, what can I do, sweetie? The only alternative is for me to move out. I arrange for counselling that Monday. WW agrees but says she will not give up contact and she doesn't know if she loves me anymore. We go out for a meal afterwards. Everything is very civil. I hear about my "faults" and her resentments stemming from incidents 10 years ago. Why didn't you tell me? You shouldn't known, she answers.

She plans to go out on second dinner date with OM that Thursday. They are texting and telephoning all the while. WW is still holding my hand and cuddling me as we talk. She even suggested we rent "Fireproof". We had seen it a few months previously and I had totally forgotten about it. We get it and watch it that Wednesday and have long discussion about it that was positive.

That Thursday as she is getting ready for her date, I am absolutely beside myself but keep my emotions in check. Phone my Pastor and brother for support. She looks great. Just before she leaves I go to gym to work out. Get home and spend the next 4 hours dying inside. On my knees praying. She gets home at 1:40 am. I offer to make her tea. She says yes. I ask nothing about the date. She goes to bed and cuddles up to me. Weird.

Friday night, I come home having picked up my two teenagers from activities. WW is on phone to OM in the house. 14 year old goes ballastic. WW leaves to continue conversation. That night we all go ice skating. Have a good time. Monday rolls around and that evening WW tell me she is breaking off communication with OM. I thank her. She is still not sure about our marriage. I have since found some email communciation that she did not delete and very hurtful.

Three weeks later, it is as if it never happened. WW is actually saying "I love you". But I'm still obessing about it and it makes me angry.

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JAL,

I think you need a plan, not just encouragement. If you have not read Dr Harley's book, "Surviving an Affair", get it as soon as possible. Also, Scotland has a thread for newly betrayed with many links in it. Read through those as well, if you haven't already.

Ask your wife to write a no contact letter that you will send. Her response to that request will be very telling. My guess is that she will not want to do it and this A has just gone further underground. Also, since this is a workplace affair, there are several places it needs to be exposed. So far, your wife is having no problem at all flaunting her activity in front of your children. You need more pressure. Is the OM married? If so, expose the A to his wife.

Do not leave your home or children. Your wife is the one in the affair. She should be the one to leave.

I am sorry you are here and this is happening to you and your family. If you decide to fight for your M, the resources are here to help you.

AM

PS. By the way, Dr. Harley writes that there are three very specific things that should occur after an A (I paraphrase).
1. End the affair, with no contact with other person for life
2. Develop extraordinary precautions that would prevent the affair from re-starting (change the environment, quit the job, change email address and phone numbers, share passwords, etc)
3. Have a marriage that is passionate (spouses devote 15-20 hours/week of undivided attention meeting each other's most important emotional needs).

Ask your wife is she is willing to work on the marriage in light of the above three items.


Last edited by armymama; 09/21/10 12:36 PM.

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jal - I'm very very sorry that you're here, but you have come to the best place to recover your marriage. I know the vets will be along soon to get you off on the right foot. In the meantime, READ READ READ everything on this site. Scotland has created a VERY helpful thread that will explain all you need to do to kill the affair and restore love.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240&page=1

aBetterMe


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Me 33
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MB has changed me and changed my life. I am becoming a better person for it, and building a better marriage. MB principles can truly help you create the love and the life you want.
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thank you for your response. Yes, I have book on order. Yes, I very much intend to fight for my marriage. I am not leaving the home.

I do have access to her email unbeknowst to her. No new communication but the previous emails still not deleted. You're right, I doubt very seriously she will write a NC letter as she thinks because she didn't have sex and it was "only" dinner twice it's no big deal. Your comment that the A might have gone underground scares me. Might that be a bit paranoid? Or am I being naive?

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jal,

What are you doing to snoop? Unfortunately, it is almost as though you need to believe contact has gone underground unless you can verify that there really is no more contact.

I would get a VAR/GPS installed in the car and also a keylogger on the computer. She could have set up a secret email and she could also have an "affair" phone.

It's not so much that you are not being naive but a big mistake that BSs make is that they think their WS is being reasonable when really they are the equivalent of a crackhead, doing whatever they can to keep getting their hits off the pipe...

Who was this exposed to? You said your 14 yr old went ballistic, do all your children know?

Also if she came home at 1:40 am , I hate to say it but there is a good chance this went physical.

Hang in there & keep posting!

Last edited by SusieQ; 09/21/10 12:46 PM.

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If she is putting this all under the rug this my friend is a FALSE recovery. Listen to armymama you and your wife needs to sit down and discuss about new EP's, and you need to get your balls back from your wife and start taking control of this marriage. Sorry to be harsh, but that is what I did with my husband wheels. I did not respect him as a man or a husband and she is totally doing that to you. She is not respecting you! So start taking control. A woman loves it when the man takes control of the marriage, or in any situation.

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Originally Posted by jal7788
as she thinks because she didn't have sex and it was "only" dinner twice it's no big deal.


Sorry to be the one to burst your bubble....

THEY HAD SEX

Why do you think she was so cold to you the night she came home?? HELLO!! WAKE UP!!

Your wife is a classic wayward wife, and you my friend are in a false recovery if she does not...

write a nc letter
block him on fb, phone, email, etc
transparency you having all access to everything
Making new EP's so this does not happen again
and she needs to stop talking to other male friends alone or at all!

And that list is only the half of it, but if she is not willing to write a nc letter, then the rest is out of the question.

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SapphireReturns and SusieQ

thank you for your input. Yes, I have installed keylogger software--pretty sure no secret email. I have access to all internet accounts including FB and work email (which I captured with keylogger--I didn't ask for it). I found out where she went to dinner the first time as she had it on her GPS. I know she met OM for second date at his home as she left mapquest in her car. I did reverse address and confirmed his name. He is not married. I asked her if she had sex and she said no for fear of STD and that was the purpose for going out We have always hammered that point home to our teenage girls.

After she told me she cut off communication he had text'd her one last time saying he "regretting his comments" ironically enough on our anniversary day. She didn't know I knew what the message said (I commandered her phone and saw it) and came clean as to its content. We spoke about it over our anniversary dinner and she commented that he was a "player" and that her body would be compared to much younger woman. She didn't respond to it and commented that he was probably drunk (it came across at 2 am).

Is it possible that she came out of her fog sooner rather than later?

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SapphireReturns:

I've known the WW for 19 years. I really don't believe she would have had sex after 2 dates. True, it would have happened if it continued....I think OM wanted to that's why she backed off. In any event, she hasn't expressed a desire to "fix" our marriage or go to counselling (not good signs) but we are communicating well.

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Originally Posted by jal7788
I asked her if she had sex and she said no for fear of STD and that was the purpose for going out We have always hammered that point home to our teenage girls.
I am sorry but all bets are off when your spouse has gone wayward. The word of a wayward is basically worthless.

Have you asked her for a polygraph? Getting trickle truth is going to cause more ddays and hurt your chances for recovery.

Again, were all of your children told about the A? I am not sure if I missed it but who else was this exposed to?


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I am sorry to say that I find it hard to believe that the A ended this easily.

Is ALL of her time accounted for? Does she still go out with her girlfriends for drinks or clubs? Has she been out ANY nights since she "ended" the A?


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JAL,

She won't come out of the fog before the A has ended and I doubt that it is ended. They have still been communicating. Ask for the NC letter. Her response will be telling.

Why would she need a secret email? If I read the first post correctly, the OM is present in the workplace. She could talk to him any time she wants at work, go to lunch, etc.

She went to his house. The other posters are right. This A went physical (at some level, if not intercourse).

AM


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I agree, this was probably physical. And this affair isn't over. If she's serious about it being over, she will leave this job and find another. Continuing to work there puts her in danger of resuming her affair.

I am sure that the emails you have are way beyond what is appropriate for coworkers. I would expose this to her family and other friends (though you'll probably get little support from her clubbing companions) and I would alert HR to what your wife and scummy OM are doing. This man is a danger to the company - he is setting them up for a Sexual Harrassment lawsuit.

It's only been a month, you absolutely cannot expect yourself to be over it yet - it is going to take time and a repentant spouse to get there.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation.


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SusieQ:
All 3 children know. WW even phoned my mom to say she had gone out twice with OM which surprised me. She delivered the news matter factly. She did it to preempt my telling her. My mom just said WW told her but she didn't ask any question. WW parents know but because they are amoral, it doesn't matter a jot to them.

I had my pastor over for dinner (he knows all) and it went well. I told my brother and his wife. They are supportive.

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OM doesn't work in same workplace at all. OM is 20 minutes away--different business. Only thing is--she went out two Fridays ago with the same female friend against my wishes. I suspected she was hoping to "bump" into OM. I asked her if she did and said no.

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But who told your children?

I hope it wasn't your WW. Because most likely she didn't tell them a) it was an AFFAIR and b) that it was WRONG and c) they are probably confused because of the fogbabble she spewed at them...

It sounds like your eldest is old enough to know better but we have heard many horror stories of waywards confusing their children about the A (my niece is one example.)


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Sorry if you are getting overwhelmed with all the questions but this one is important:
Originally Posted by SusieQ
Is ALL of her time accounted for? Does she still go out with her girlfriends for drinks or clubs? Has she been out ANY nights since she "ended" the A?


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SusieQ:
I told them the week WW was gone. All 3 very unhappy with Mom. they all know it's wrong and damaging to our family. WW has assured them she won't continue for their sake (not mine nor marriage).

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Your wife needs to stop going out clubbing. PERIOD.

You need to demand that as part of your recovery.

She has demonstrated an inability to party and maintain her marriage vows. Also, going out provides opportunities for contact. Her story doesn't add up - if they don't work together going on 2 dates wont provide the emotional detachment to you and attachment to him. How long has she been seeing him?

Ask her for a polygraph.


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susieQ:
Only thing is--she went out two Fridays ago with the same female friend against my wishes. I suspected she was hoping to "bump" into OM. I asked her if she did and said no. She text me a couple of times. her friend found out about the affair and express her displeasure...she could be a ally but not sure

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